Three Stars of Week 16
August 16th, 2017
THIRD STARS
Cory, Alex and Instant Karma
by Chadwick
Well, by Chadwick or the artist formally known as ¯\_(?)_/¯ as he was supposed to have written this piece, but much like his approach to captaining, he holds the title while someone else does all the work.
Best of luck out west, Alex!
It has been a rough two months for Karma; dropping 3 or 7 in a row by only a goal or 3 and losing the lead in the second half a couple of times to boot, there wasn’t much going for us. This past Sunday when it appeared that there was about to be more of the same bad luck, Cory said: ‘f*ck that, we’re getting it done this week.’ He proceeded to score the game tying goal early in the second half and also the shootout winner finally breaking Karma’s shit streak. It was bittersweet as Alex, who was playing his last game for Karma before packing up talents (and maybe his family too) and heading out west, blanked the opponent in the shootout and was rushed by his teammates while (finally) savoring that sweet taste of victory.
SECOND STAR
BTSHing
80 Beers At The Courts
by Arya Stark
Losing in a shootout is never fun but some things are more important than wins and losses (particularly since every team makes the playoffs anyway). So it was with a heavy heart and an apprehensive liver that the LBS decided to wash away the sting of that game by going to the supermarket (because thriftiness is important) and coming back with over 80 beers and assorted sparkling wines to celebrate Roberts’ birthday with the league. He was last seen at Percy’s about eight hours later, eyes rolling back in his head like a mix between The Undertaker and a relapsing heroin addict, ripping whiskey shots and debating the likelihood of group sex going down in Ocean City, a conversation he probably didn’t remember until reading this star just now. Happy Birthday Roberts; next year, we’re getting a keg.
Return of the Heckle Wall(s)
by Isaac
With the ladies of Gut Rot and Friends in peak and surly form, they made their way over to the westside dugout to provide obscene commentary and imaginative catcalls during the FK/Filthy game. I wonder where they learned how to attempt to inflate the players and refs egos while at the same time making them feel a little self-conscious? Much to the crowds disappointment, Tom R. kept his shirt on during the shootout attempt. (Perhaps next time y’all)
HEEEECCCKKKLLLEEE WAAAAALLLLL!!!!!
Later in the day, led by Ambrose Burnside (see below) with other members of the Biters and random Touches, the sideline Heckle Bench freely spoke their minds during the SF/Butchers game. Encouraging refs to make calls that weren’t there, asking the players if they thought that is what passes as hockey, and pleading for ideas on how to stop hiccuping.
FIRST STARS
James, Tim and Filthier
by Isaac
The game this past Sunday against a division rival was an instant classic. James and Co. set the tone early by clogging the neutral zone, back checking and crashing the net that resulted in early dividends with a goal by Kate. Never falling behind throughout the contest or faltering when the equalizer was given up, Filthier frustrated their opponent with a full court press.
Not very gentlemanly. (video credit: Eric R.)
In overtime and in the shootout, Tim was stoic in net, stopping every shot he faced and daring Ariel to use his signature move. Going into the fifth round of the shootout it was James who finally put it in net while gracefully toppling over the goalie. Ass over end, is how you get the job done my friends.
Honorable mention:
by Cheeky
An honorable mention goes to Matthew “Ambrose Burnside” Workman for his luscious, although mildly pedophilic, sideburns and mustache he was sporting on the courts this past Sunday. He took throwback to a whole new level (although is it really a throwback if he was alive when that look was popular?).
Worky Burnside
Week 16 Previews: Part 2
August 11th, 2017Fresh Kills at Filthier
by Isaac
The good times have been rolling all season long for Barch and Fresh Kills. Maintaining a performance at an elite level has them on pace for a historic season. No, we’re not talking about their record, we simply mean that they’ve been able to overcome the loss of Gabe’s talents that seem to have fallen off that cliff called marriage. The expression on Roxy’s face has been that of anyone who is paired with Glanzer.
Ariel’s performances are Messi-esque at times.
Still butt-hurt from getting smoked by Ariel in the shootout loss Tim and Filthier are out for revenge. (Every time that video resurfaces on Facebook they collectively make the face of a slapped ass.) While the losses of Denis and Suvin this season have been hard to overcome that new clean-cut fellow seems to perform adequately. Can he replicate some of that lost poise and panache? Shafiq sure hopes so.
Prediction: James bumfuzzles the Kills’ defense with his skillz and Filthy stamps a blemish on the FK’s record, 5-3.
Mega Touch (L/L/L/W/L; final two: LBS, Inc., Gremlins) at Corlears Hookers (W/W/W/W/W; final two: Fresh Kills, Cobra Kai) Tompkins East, 1645
by Hornswoggle
This division rivalry will be one of Julie’s last chances to stay in her own [namesake’s] division, since the last two will be highly demanding and exhausting. Brutal losses against the Riots and Sky Fighters may have diminished the morale of the players, and perhaps because the weather has prevented them from sporting their marquee jorts at least once this season. So will they don them on Sunday? I reckon the fashion statement will leave a few opposing players double-taking once or twice too many.
Meanwhile, the Katz conference team in Grimace™-colored regalia has been on a tear, and the timing may as well be perfect as the Ocean City/Labor Day break is fast approaching. However, before the break is their long-awaited matchup with the undefeated Fresh Kills, this Sunday’s game against Mega may as well be a training session for them, considering their from.
Prediction: This game will probably be more boring than watching paint dry. However, if Alok turns his passive-aggressiveness around and gets called for one—just one!—infraction, I’m privy on carrying the skateboard ramp with a vat of buttered popcorn. Hookers nonchalantly axe Mega by three goals.
Instant Karma (L/L/L/L/L; final two: Fuzz, Gut Rot) at Gremlins (W/W/W/OT/W; final two: Rehabs, Mega Touch) Tompkins West, 1645
by Hornswoggle
The tragedy for last Sunday was watching an Instant Karma team (1) scrambling last minute to find an available, eligible goaltender, (2) dejectedly conceding a near buzzer beater in the second half to a wavering What the Puck side, as well as (3) having to see that particular moment as a cover photo on the league Facebook page. I personally tried to assuage Isaac postgame with a Messi picture, but to no avail. The battle with Mega Touch to prevent relegation has been long occurring, what with Cobra Kai, Hookers, and Gremlins vying for the top division spot. While I’d say this division rivalry is winnable for Karma, methinks the unexpectedness in attendance and inconsistencies in their gameplay both lead me to doubt their success on Sunday.
‘I’m not usually a praying man, but if you are up there Superman, please send me to Barca or Instant Karma.’
At the opposite end of the division lies our trivia guru/Grammar Nazi, Walker, and his monstrous minions. Specifically, it is known that he, Jamie, and Erich have been surveying the court to review strategies, scoff other refs, and munch on scones. They’ve all the elements of a well-built team: goal scorers, veteran presence, and solid goaltending. How all those will hold up against the Rehabs next week is unknown at the moment; but in the meantime, the Gremmies will have a slight test on their hands, and something tells me the entire squad needn’t be there.
Prediction: The Gremmies have a penchant for playing casual in the first half, and while that may not lead to any kind of demise for Sunday, it is the kind of habit they will not want to carry next week, the week after next, and the playoff weeks as well. Nevertheless, they’ll certainly have the patience to strike at opportune times and drop Karma like a ton of bricks. Isaac, I’m preparing more Messi pictures for your next email (sorry, none of them with Coutinho in them). Gremmies triumph by two.
Fuzz (W/SO/W/L/W; final two: Instant Karma, Filthier) at Rehabs (W/L/W/W/W; final two: Gremlins, LBS, Inc.) Hockey Night in Tompkins [National Telecast] Tompkins East, 1800
by Hornswoggle
While any team playing the Fresh Kills—this Sunday, it’s Filthier—potentially becomes a marquee matchup, this evening division rivalry holds all the keys to an entertaining game, not to mention the possibility of yet another Sultan South[east] Side Smash/Smush in the works. Yes, the topsy-turvy Fizz are probably feeling a little relieved that this season is slowly coming to a close, knowing that in just a couple months, they won’t have to be some sort of laughingstock… until next year. Right now, though, they’ve still got talent: Jeff and Alexa are just as dynamic as they were, Miles still shakes defenses up, and Hicks can lift most the opposition up and put them down (not necessarily gently).
The Rehabs are steadying the course, and defending their title with nearly half the league in the 20-point range will be a challenge for them. Two regulation losses is second best to Fresh Kills, and the defensive trident of Sena, Cherie, and elite-level goalie Eric is part and parcel of finding the ingredients to success. Many teams, perhaps, think the rossoneri is the team everyone loves to hate, but none of its players seems to have crossed the line that is the league’s first rule. So, love ‘em or hate ‘em, this team is quite talented and will always have Showtime’s mouth and fingertips to back that up.
Prediction: The Sultan will certainly tone it down with his physicality, and he’ll receive a lot of jeering from the opposition (not only the Rehabs). An element that will frustrate Fuzz is that the Rehabs’ roster will remain consistent through the entire 50, so unless there is a complete mismatch in the Rehabs’ lineup (due to absence or injury), a breakthrough will be a rarity for Fuzz. Some will be hoping for a Sena-esque own goal, but the Rehabs will put the match to rest by holding a two-goal lead firm.
Butchers (W/W/L/W/L; final two: Dark Rainbows, Fresh Kills) at Sky Fighters (L/W/W/L/L; final two: Tompkins Square Riots, Gouging Anklebiters) Hockey Night in Tompkins [Regional Telecast], Tompkins West, 1800
by Hornswoggle
With Math facing the LBS this Sunday and Poutine the following Sunday, the Butchers’ schedule is marginally easier, and winning the last two out of three could mean Rachel’s worst nightmare of being in the top division. Facing the likes of teams that have actually won a championship at the turn of the decade isn’t what the Bloody Tide® had in mind, but at the rate the squad is going, their future schedule may be inevitably unfavorable. Like the Rehabs, they’ve stayed the course—even amassing a 7-game win streak—and could snatch a comfortable playoff spot.
Regardless of whether Roman plays Greg will be bringing some nasty.
Stein and Olivier could rest in the fact that their team’s reputation won’t be cast in the shadows, only because of a single person: Mike T. Yes, you might’ve read the metrics that show his trajectory that blows previous BTSH Pichichi winners through the roof. Think about it: it takes four Gremmies to get 64% of the team’s goals, but one Sky Fighter to achieve 57% for his team. Therefore, it shouldn’t be surprising to say that Mike is the fulcrum for every offensive campaign, right? Well, no. Succinctly, opposition should rotate their focus to Ro-Teyt, Mike’s brother. Roman is the “man behind the curtain” and you wouldn’t want to block his shots. And when Roman is on the bench, watch Bob W. sail a few over the crossbar. [Bob has won a couple of ships with different teams, btw.]
Prediction: Of the four teams I’ve offered to write, this duel will be tough to gauge. Both teams have noses for the net (Pete D. of the Butchers has 9), and women who know how to play the game (Sky’s Coop and Butchers’ Georgine). They both have players who hustle (Infanti vs. Creamy) and players who can elude opponents (David vs. Olivier), so honestly, there isn’t a clear-cut winner here. Butchers are likely to take the W if they force a shootout, where David and MDF put their attempts past Stein… and sadly no one will be there to record them.
Week 16 Previews: Part 1
August 11th, 2017LBS, Inc. at Mathematics
by Isaac
The Legend of Sizzler is in full effect and word of his on (and off) court performances is spreading throughout the league like the inevitable Long Night across Westeros. With the newly acquired Cat’s Paw dagger by media writer Arya the LBS defense has become even more dangerous in open space. They’ll be looking to knife through Math’s forces and assassinate the Net.
Could No One have also taught the LBS how to play hockey?
Meanwhile Math have remained steady and competent in the majority of their battles this season. The indispensable (and also underrated) talents of Bradley and his buddy Jon on defense have been more than enough to make up for Sarah’s blunders this season. But if they want to stay in the race for the CMB division title then that long-haired, pants wearing, backwards hat sporting, hippy dude will need to come correct and do his thang.
Prediction: a close game that appears headed for OT until Amy scores in the final 2 minutes of regulation. Math win 3-2.
Gut Rot at What The Puck
by Arya Stark
2017 has been a strong bounce-back year for both teams. What The Puck finished last in their division last year and were relegated as per god’s law. They’ve responded with a strong season led by captain Emily Moore’s stellar play / singing voice and the adept stick skills of Zac “Hoggystyle” Hogg. WTP currently stand within striking distance of Poutine for the division crown; seeing as Poutine will be playing the sole winless team in the league this year, they’ll need this game to keep pace.
Also within striking distance is the band of marauding alcoholics and bandits known as Gut Rot. Continuing to exist as the depraved love child of Ron Burgundy pounding scotch (pre-game) and Ser Davos stranded on an island (post-game), Rot have won three of their past four games and could potentially go from finishing dead last with one win and a -70 goal differential to a winning record and first round bye in just one season. Sure, #akhilnation isn’t trending like they had hoped, and Becca’s still trying to figure out how to sign up for the Olympics, but things are certainly looking up.
Prediction: Unfortunately, chronic alcoholism does have its downsides (or so I’ve been told). 4-1 Motherpuckers.
Denim Demons at Gouging Anklebiters
by Isaac
These two teams just adore one another. Both have been opening the door for the other to stay in their division all season long. But alas, unless the wheels come exploding off of Timmy Baby it looks like Josh and the Demons will be the team moving to a new home next season.
Prediction: Demons regain their scoring touch and earn a much needed victory, 4-3.
Cobra Kai at Tompkins Square Riots
by Arya Stark
It’s been a rough season for the Riots. Despite strong play from the likes of Suz and Jen along with smart free agent pickups like Evan, they’ve had trouble getting on the board while GDR has at times been left out to dry. Last week they exhibited strong stretches of play against the Gremlins and while the game was closer than the final score would indicate, they nonetheless were only able to pot one breakaway goal. The Riots will have to work on getting shots through in the offensive zone and focusing on tight, fundamental play if they have any hope of taking down the dojo.
The Cobra Kai, on the other hand, are in the midst of an impressive seven game winning streak and sit tied for second in points with the defending champion Rehabs. They’ve got a goalie who’s #2 on the leaderboard and are top five in goals against and goals for, thanks in no small part to the efforts of Will Green. Will, for those who may not be aware, has a lot more going for him than a very serious resemblance to his spirit animal and possible biological father, John C Reilly.
The legend picked his own team in Survivor two weeks ago as they were set to play the Gremlins for the division lead. Down 1-0 with under a minute left, it seemed like he would fall victim to the picking-your-own-team-curse, otherwise known as “Brady’s original sin.” Somehow, the Cobra Kai were able to tie the game with a mere 13 seconds left and win it in overtime. Then just a week later, he picked up the #1 star by notching a natural hat trick on a single shift. Here are some other facts you may not know about this great man:
- The opening scene of “Saving Private Ryan” is loosely based on a game of dodgeball Will G played in second grade.
- Will G once ate three 72 oz steaks in an hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with the waitress.
- Will G is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are the trademarked names of his left and right legs.
- Will G once ate an entire cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper inside.
- In ancient China there is a legend that one day, a child will be born from a dragon, grow to be a man and vanquish evil from the land. That man is not Will G, because Will G killed that man.
Prediction: Cobra Kai wins 6-2 on the strength of another hat trick from Will. He also scores both Riots goals and solves the North Korea crisis during a water break.
Poutine Machine at Dark Rainbows
by Isaac
(Drunk) Machine has been in a funk lately. With the division title on the line they need to pull it together quickly. Luckily for Charlotte and her goony gang of slippery thugs this could be a perfect opportunity to regroup before the playoffs. Not only are two points at stake, but also another divisional victory to increase the margin between them and that orange team.
Keep you eye on the ball Poutine.
The Rainbows’ season may not be playing out the way they initially envisioned, but you can never count them out of any contest. Not even a Hot Legs contest (YEAH BABY). Jason, Tia, Fallon and Josh have found their way onto the Box Scores lately and when the big dogs eat from the table they don’t go back to the dish.
Prediction: Kevin and Whitney get caught gazing at each other while the Rainbows pump it past RJ for a 3-2 first season win.
Dispatches From The Bylaws Committee
August 10th, 2017by Anonymous Bylaws Committee Member
The Bylaws Committee has been working in conjunction with the Board to form a new corporate and general structure for this league to run as efficiently as possible. Our last meeting was on July 25 and was open to the public. We had representatives from about half the league attend and covered a wide range of issues concerning how everything is run.
One of the main goals of the committee and the Board is to structure the league in the most efficient manner possible, both legally and internally. We are a non-profit and our insurance has been upped to cover the league in a worst-case scenario (this does NOT mean you should start hacking / slashing / throwing each other into fences on Sundays…but your hacking / slashing / fence violence is at least unlikely to destroy the league). Interim committees have been created on several fronts to keep everything functioning during the season. The Board is overseeing this transition process and is comprised of five members. By rule, none of them are allowed to sit on any other committees or hold any paid positions for the entirety of their tenure. The bylaws committee is working on sorting out how future boards will be elected and how their terms will be structured.
The social committee has held several recent events that you may or may not remember (even those of you who attended may mysteriously have no memory of said events). The All-Star Game was a lot of fun (great work Ben) and the Olympics were as debaucherous as ever. The committee is officially made up of seven members. All members received a $150 stipend but opted to put that money back towards league booze so make sure to give them a hug when you see them. In the coming weeks, watch for more Sunday events both on the court and at the league bar of the week (the social committee has been rotating the bar of choice during the season to give new places a shot and mix it up so we’re not always at the same dimly lit spot every Sunday). There is also the first ever BTSH Prom, tentatively scheduled for September 23, and an end-of-season party / awards ceremony immediately following the championship game. Any questions or suggestions – ask Diana Marko, who is heading up the social committee, or any of the other six members (Ben, Alex, Rachel, Worky, Tracy and Lisa) when you see them. Make sure to buy them a drink first though.
The media committee, which you can assume is working smoothly if you are reading this very post, is headed up by Isaac and keeps this website running and all of you from actually doing work while at the office. If you have any suggestions or pitches for articles email BTSH.Media@gmail.com. We are currently looking for volunteers for community outreach; this is important because when we ask for permits, sponsorship, etc we must show that we give back to the community if the city is going to let us continue to play in / monopolize the park for six hours every Sunday. Please contact Jenn P if interested. Game day operations are being run by our new League Manager / Sultan, Rich G, and thus far no one has died on his watch which is a great sign.
In. the near future the website will be updated to keep you apprised of most developments. There will be a section devoted to monthly newsletter, minutes from our bylaws meetings, minutes from captains meetings (dirty jokes will likely not be transcribed) and possibly even a league history page that is actually kept updated and added to periodically. We are also hoping to implement a back-end system that will make it easier for captains to keep track of league business. All of this will help improve transparency as we continue to restructure the internal workings of BTSH. As Suz remarked in our meeting, “the main goal of this committee is to sort out what this league is and what it is going to become in the coming years.’ It’s a very exciting process and although only committee members are able to vote on committee matters, meetings are open to the BTSH public We invite all of you to attend, get involved and offer input/feedback on the future of this crazy league. Our next meeting is tentatively scheduled for mid/late November; your captains will receive all pertinent info and forward your way once we’ve set a date.
I hope the four people who read this entire update thoroughly enjoyed themselves (unlikely), and we look forward to seeing and beating you on the courts this Sunday (not literally…unless you’re into that sort of thing.)
Regards,
Anonymous Bylaws Committee Member
Three Stars of Week 15
August 9th, 2017
Third Star
Shutouts by Steven from the FA List and Scott from What The Puck
by Isaac
Earning a shutout for your team is about as close as it comes for a goalie winding up on the score sheet. Steven and Scott both posted a goose egg for their opponents that ensured their team victory and two points in the tight Michaliga division race. Not to take anything away from these goalies’ performances, but the defenders in front of them deserve some of this credit too. (Except Becca. Definitely not her.)
Second Star
Christina L (aka BONECRUSHER) from Poutine Machine
by Hornswoggle
Finally rewarded for always being in scoring position.
BTSH’s league sweetheart tallied her first-ever goal against a very confused Hookers netminder Longwell, who although won the war with his Grimace™-colored sidemen, lost one of the smaller battles by absent-mindedly allowing a simple deflection from an inbound pass. Blame the rest of the Hookers, too, on that line for thinking Christina was a weak link… she wasn’t. The rest of us Poutiners were.
From Thursday scrimmages to being part of Drunk Poutine last year at Ocean City last year (and this year), Christina has shown the utmost dedication and tenacity on the court, while being super approachable off it. To prove that tenacity exists in her, she still is pressing our teammate Nic over an outstanding bet to run around one New York City block in nothing but tidy-whiteys, after he contended that she couldn’t consume an entire order of wings by herself. She consumed that and more… a total of eighteen (18!) wings within a two-hour span.
First Star
Will G from Cobra Kai
by Isaac
Scoring three goals in one game is a feat that only a dozen or so BTSHers have accomplished this season. Scoring three goals in one shift for a natural hat trick is nearly unheard of. Well, that is until Will did just that on Sunday against his opponent. When asked for a quote afterwards while lounging on the sidelines and basking in the admiration of his teammates he nonchalantly responded with, ‘yeah, it happened…’
Honorable mention:
John from Math scored a hat trick against one of the best teams in the league. If don’t already know the story of how he joined the team, ask him. (Hint, it involves a Norris.)
