Week 10 Previews – Partie Un
June 22nd, 2017Poutine Machine at Gut Rot
by Isaac
In one corner we’ve got Poutine, who are young, dumb and full of come at me bro. And quite full of themselves too after receiving a shocking spot at No. 2 in the recent Annual Power Rankings post by one of their own. Not saying they are undeserving of recognition for the incredible season they’re having, just saying it is still early.
In the other we’ve got Gut Rot, the quintessential BTSH team that enjoys marinating in the true essence of what the league is really about. At mid-season they’ve already accomplished one of their seasonal goals by collecting more points than 2016 while maintaining the blood alcohol content of an average Bostonian. Can our drunken friends earn another W against a divisional foe? Is the 1 pm time slot too early for them to shake off the fever of saturday night?
Prediction: the rabid Machine’s suffocating defense makes it an easy day for Hesse, but a frustrating one for GR, 3-0.
Instant Karma at Cobra Kai
by Richiehero
Karma vs. Kobra Kai, or the KKK Game as Etile Llort likes to call it, is a matchup that everyo….wait it’s Cobra, not Kobra? That sucks. Fuckin’ Llort.
Anyways, Karma is coming off a decisive victory over the Riots where league sweetheart, Isaac, scored two goals and Heather played her best game yet. I’m not just saying a girls name just to put it there. You dolts know I don’t do that. She was in great spots all game and almost scored. Lisa got checked into the fence and one of the refs was laughing so hard he forgot to call the actual penalty. Luckily Ryann was reffing and did.
Campbell might be receiving praise, but Liam and Nabataz are doing all the work.
On the other side, the Rachels of Cobra Kai are in first place after disposing of the Cro-okers 4-0. This guy Campbell is pretty good in net, eh? Paul B. scored his first two goals of the season to lead the way and could be due for more.
Prediction: None shall pass one against Campbell. Nabatz will be like James Ellsworth while leading LJ and Goth Rachel to distract the turds on Karma, while jerks like Liam and Sebastian score and get all the credit. Will will also score but he’s not a jerk. 4-0 Kobra Kai over Karma.
Gremlins at Corlears Hookers
by Isaac
You can never count out the Hookers when these two are in the game.
On paper, the Gremmies and Hookers are nearly identical. Both have earned 12 points by winning six games with only three losses, are 2-2-0 in their division, have legitimate scoring threats (Erich & Cody and Sarah & Tiffany & Jenna), ball moving defenders (McAdams and Danilo) and quality protectors between the pipes (Batuwantudawe and Longwell). So what does separate these two? Well for starters, one is captained by a savvy league veteran with the demeanor of Ferdinand the Bull and the other by a blundering buffoon. (We’ll let you figure that one out for yourselves.)
Prediction: the Gremlins defeated the Hookers earlier this year and will sweep the series on Sunday by 5-3 with Tim finally getting on the scoring sheet. Oh yeah, Walker ends up earning a Glanzer (-2).
Denim Demons at Fuzz
by Isaac
The BTSH equivalent of a Money In The Bank Cage Match. Neither of these back down from a challenge and both are out to prove that their recent success is no fluke. Also, add in that they know each other and don’t like each other and we’ve got pure ‘oh no you didn’t’ finger wagging all game long.
The Demons and Fuzz had rough starts to their seasons, but have been performing close to expectations lately. This is the time of year when collecting points isn’t the only thing that matters – it is creating and sustaining an identify too (that becomes paramount for all teams during the second half of the season).
Are the Fuzz the underachieving bag of talent that are collapsing under the weight of last season’s success? Are the Demons last year’s Hookers that regressed and tanked in order to rebuild? These questions may not be answered in just one game, but at least we’ll be learning more about who they are.
Prediction: the team you love to hate outduels the team you used to hate with Fuzz taking this one 4-2.
Butchers at Gouging Anklebiters
by Richiehero
Judging by Marko’s Instagram this will be played 4 on 4 with her and Creamy making out at center court the whole time. And that’s bad news for the Butchers. (No offense to Diana.) Creamy may have lucked out in his personal life, but Probie and the boys will certainly take that trade off.
Have you seen this women’s right glove? If so, call 1-900-MIX-A-LOT.
However this will cause problems for the Biters as they like to have Joe P. lead the breakout and having the middle clogged will certainly deter their transition game. Not only that, but Sarah M., Caroline, Amy and the rest of the Biter women are going to be annoyed that Diana is taking such a long shift.
The Butchers won’t mind as Arnold will get tossed, JSB is really chill and will be happy for Creamy and Peter…that dude that replaced Jeff will still score two goals.
Prediction: I predict a Butchers upset…3-2!
Hockey Beach Needs To Know What You’re Good At Besides Hockey
June 21st, 2017by Ophelia Bauls
Postcard from last year.
First of all…
That friend with the awesome house in Montauk has a guestlist longer than your BTSH bar regrets, it’s not happening for you this August. Stop “waiting to see how your summer pans out” and sign up now by PayPaling $60 to worky@btsh.org. You want to have a Crabmeat Bloody Mary and jump into the ocean between games. You just do.
Second of all, we need your skillz…
If you can help out with any of these things, please jump in. Your participation will help make Hockey Beach better than ever this year.
1. Make the pretty (designers)
We need some help designing the following things…
– Scoresheet
– Trucker hat (incorporating the existing HockeyBeach logo)
– New banner to hang at courts
– Schedule
– Marketing email
2. Get all the likes
Do you kill it on Instagram or the ‘book? Help us with Social Media for Hockey Beach. You can pick every goddamn filter and only post pictures in which you look beyond. Oh the power.
3. Squad goals
Get the word out and grab some free agents. More players = more teams = more funds = more swag and party perks. You don’t need to commit to a team right now if you don’t want. Just sign up as a free agent.
Ocean City re-peat champs.
Annual Mid-Season Power Rankings
June 20th, 2017by Jerome V to the R
The only two things that are certain in these rankings are: that Fresh Kills have come out the gate dominating, and that I may be biased in my ranking.
What else could anyone say about this season other than how exciting it’s been? Those of you relegated to just reading these articles should head over to become a member of the BTSH Hockey Facebook site, because it’s saturated with pictures of the matches (a collaborative effort from Tia and Jamie), lots of hockey talk, and the usual joshing over Fuzz’s Richie. But just as the media has been churning articles for your enjoyment, so have all the teams with their goal scorers! Since my days out at Corlears Hook Park watching drunken hockey players tricycle relaying postgame, BTSH has been producing a diverse yet elite-worthy group of people good enough to take the international stage. Their style of play has been both witnessed on the court and even livestreamed online.
The methodology for the ranking wasn’t so simple… in fact, I depended a lot on intuition. Also, knowing who’s on the teams and having an organized results table have been extremely helpful. Isaac and I have had quite a few tête-à-têtes both in person and through email that I’d think twice about putting Poutine as the #2 seed. But in the end, I did, and probably to your (the reader’s) consternation. But if you were feeling good about your team, maybe you’d put your team in a good position? Just some thoughts.
Most difficult in this task was setting ranks #9 to #16. Even those teams have very talented personnel—some of whom are on the top scorers’ list—but a winning or losing streak could set themselves up for success or failure in the following weeks, which is why I’ve set up a trend predictor to determine a team’s direction. If you’re on a team in a downtrend: have patience and optimism! If you’re on a team with an uptrend or in a high position: I hope your teammates show up and keep the team on pace because we’ve a long summer!
With all that written… maybe some of you have taken these rankings seriously. Maybe there’s a fire burning inside of you so much that you’re on your way to Tompkins already, or climbing up the Rocky Steps after your three-egg yolk juice, or probably having your choice words for me at the ready. There’s no need to do any of those things (except, maybe keep that fire!), but hell, I won’t stop you. I’ll see y’all swole selves on Sunday.
And. Here. We. Go!
1. Fresh Kills
The obvious choice. They are making the unprecedented push of being the Golden State Warriors of BTSH.
Trending: Elite
2. Poutine Machine
Making a bullish statement. Their current 7-2 is the kind of pushback Sven would love to see in person since his departure.
Trending: Overachieving
3. Rehabs
Title holders still have what it takes to repeat, but the top teams in all divisions have thwarted challenges at them.
Trending: Strong
4. Filthier
This squad is sitting humbly, but the 2015 champions know what they’re worth. Still quite threatening to most.
Trending: Sideways
5. Gremlins
Our Fairy Tale Cup champion goons outscore everyone, even Fresh Kills. At least our caged-helmet comrade will convince you his team is the best.
Trending: Up
6. LBS, Inc.
Don’t be fooled: even without Timmy-baby, the squad has enough depth to assume that any major departure is irrelevant.
Trending: Up
7. Cobra Kai
A brush with glory having almost won against Fresh Kills + overpowering W9 against the Hookers = pole position in their division.
Trending: Steady
8. Mathematics
Although a recent loss to Fresh Kills is a setback, D-Tag’s successors are staunch defenders, and the Norris clan is still dominant.
Trending: Steady
9. Corlears Hookers
In a three-way tie for points in their division, their record is still good. Consistency in attendance is crucial.
Trending: Sideways
10. Gouging Anklebiters
Probie and the elite goalie tandem round out the top 10. If they avoid costly mistakes against lower teams, they’ll be fine.
Trending: Steady
11. What The Puck
Conceptually, no single person carries a team, but Zac’s 10 goals help to further inject life and tenacity for the Orange Crush.
Trending: Up
12. Fuzz
Still a team with players worthy of playing in the top division, Rich can pick his players up from the doldrums of a below .500 record.
Trending: Underachieving
13. Butchers
Rachel’s crimson tide is in the course of stabilizing with a 4-win streak with Pete and MDF making waves.
Trending: Up
14. Sky Fighters
Where are the Czechs? The Teytelbaums have been trying to hold the fort, and there’s only one Olivier and Mia each on the team.
Trending: Down
15. Gut Rot
The perennial bottom-dwellers, due to stellar goaltending and Peaches’ sass, have made moves to have a voice in hockey louder than Ellery’s.
Trending: Drunk
16. Denim Demons
Reconstructing the team has been a tough task for Jenn and Adam, but a solid win in W9 with Brian’s hatty may be the spark to returning to old form.
Trending: Down
17. Instant Karma
A handful of the team is probably older than most of the league, but never nix the adage ‘age over beauty.’ Experience means a lot.
Trending: Sideways
18. Tompkins Square Riots
Possibly still starstruck from all that has been going on, Dave GDR and the Riots are in limbo. If they straighten out this summer, they’ll be fine.
Trending: Sideways
19. Mega Touch
After nine game did the 2016 formerly-known-as-Greene-division winners finally post a win this season. Moral: put it in Brady’s wheelhouse.
Trending: Up
20. Dark Rainbows
Still shocked at the loss of Camber and Tyrell ‘Jesus,’ this rebuilding squad is desperate for a resurrection.
Trending: Steady
Trending definitions:
Elite: the top team in the league.
Strong: playing just as well as the top team.
Steady: playing at the level of Ranking.
Up: improving each week and moving up in the Rankings.
Sideways: exactly where they were when the season started.
Underachieving: not living up to expectations.
Down: less activity and interest.
BTSH Collages
June 19th, 2017by Jamie B.
Gut Rot 2017
Week 6, May 7th
Fresh Kills 2017
BTSH Hits the Boardwalk!
June 16th, 2017by Sam N
This Saturday, the world’s largest art parade hits the Coney Island Boardwalk at 1:00 and goes to about 4:30 or so in the afternoon. But you know what’s better than that?! Not just catching those first gallivanters, and instead getting to the parade around 2:30. If you thought it didn’t get better, Rich Glanzer is rumored to be a mermaid this year. BUT THAT’S NOT ALL!!! After grabbing some drinks after the parade, we’re going to head down the boardwalk through Brighton Beach to Sheepshead Bay, and then jump on a striped bass charter boat from 7 pm to midnight.
This is one of the only times we saw Jeff that night
