Week 7 Previews: Part One
May 18th, 2017By BTSH Media Writers
Butchers (L/W/L/L/W) at Rehabs (W/L/W/W/W), Tompkins East, 1300
Burke’s got his work cut our for him in this game.
Don’t let the last five games for the Butchers fool you. Two of their three losses came from teams in the better conference (go ahead and roll your eyes), and no loss was a blowout. The Rehabs, conversely, have been cruising through six weeks without a serious hiccup, with their only loss to Bob “Olmec” Weyersberg’s old team, Fresh Kills, who still haven’t faced a regulation loss. Just goes to show how strong the top teams really fare out this season.
With the top female scorer (Cherie “Go Ducks!” Stewart) as well as the #4 top male scorer to date (Joey “Fodas-se Benfica” Batista), the Rehabs are likely to seize the day. Awaken the beast in David St. Jules—watch this guy in scrimmage, by the way—and the Butchers will give the rossonero a hard time.
Prediction: Rehabs grapple with the meat cleavers, but will find themselves victorious within 50. It will be a dogfight, but not to Mr. Vick’s palate.
Gut Rot (W/W/L/L/W) at Corlears Hookers (L/W/W/L/W), Tompkins West, 1300
Don’t peel your eyes off this beauty of a matchup; that is, if you weren’t going on a bender the night before and miraculously show up just to watch a 1pm game. It’s Ellery versus Cro—a duel for the ages. What’s absolute: Ellery will have his shirt off long before regulation (because the O’s are still 0.5 games behind the Yankees); Cro will have yet ordered his 958th cherished red hat during the halftime break (because New Yorkers are in love with Chinese fashion /s).
Hockey has been interesting for both sides this season. The royal purple a-la- Los-Angeles- Kings squad acquired much talent (namely, Dark Rainbows imports) and has been flourishing thus far. The other franchise in green/black/I don’t know continues to make historical leaps and bounds in the last weeks, securing a crowd-infused win against Fuzz (in their throwback 2012 Elves regalia, sleeved and unsleeved) in Week 6.
Although it’s my job to write a prediction, I’m crestfallen to realistically choose the Hookers to win. Bill L will probably notch a brace and Kamen will put the nail in the coffin. Longwell will contend to post a shutout, but the persistence of Jeff “Peaches” Hendricks, Tommy, and Becca could put them on the board. Let’s hope so.
Prediction: As he’s reading this, Peaches will surely flip me the bird for not choosing his side, but trust me… my heart—like the rest of the league—cheers for Gut Rot to continue pulling upsets this year.
What The Puck at Dark Rainbows
Emily and the Pucks have a lot to smile about this season.
Bright orange and dayglo pink. Stare too long at this game and the two colors are going to start swirling together as you enter a hypnotic trance. You won’t know if you’re watching WTP v. Rainbows or the “Groove Is In The Heart” music video.
I was going to talk about the addition of Claire to WTP this season, but then I’d have to bring up the Caps’ heartbreaking loss and how the Pucks are still depressed about it. Well, I guess I already did. And, depressed they are. I recently saw Holden McNeil and he told me that Justin has been walking around like a morose motherfucker whose cereal has been shit in (please someone get this reference). Dudolevitch quit his band because he felt like their show jinxed the Caps.
I don’t want to say that WTP are kind of a mess right now, but, again…..I guess I already did.
Will the Rainbows take advantage of WTP being down in the dumps? They themselves are coming off a rough loss to the mighty Fresh Kills, and additionally they are still looking for their first win. I can never remember if Tia is actually going to be there on a given week, but if she is, and she, Josh, and new Rainbow Paul go on the attack, it could spell trouble for the bright orange portion of the swirling vortex.
Prediction: Emily cheers her team up enough to win, and the Rainbows are left searching for that elusive first W. 4-2, Pucks. (Susie or Liz score in this game. I won’t say which one of them.)
Filthier at Fresh Kills
Cupcakes are muffins that believed in miracles. This Sunday Ann, Tim, Kate and the rest of Filty could be that cupcake. Stick together, communicate, don’t get caught out of position and get the ball to Suvin. That dude can cut through a defense like he’s peeling the skin off of tangerine.
Well, perhaps not against Gabe when he’s out on defense. Soko’s surprise move this season to put his superstar player on D raised more than just a couple eyebrows. But the doubters have been quieted as everyone on Fresh Kills, even Natasha, has been rowing in the same direction.
Prediction: Filthy will have to wait for another Sunday to collect their first division win of the season. Ariel does work and the Kills moonwalk to 5-2.
Gremlins at Instant Karma
Fuck you Jamie.
Back in 2010, one of Adriano’s first big moves was to integrate the teams for a week. So it would have been What the Elves vs. the Happy Little Puck. God thankfully intervened and Adzo scrapped the idea after every player in the league besides Walker hated it. (Think Seinfeld name tags.)
This game reminds me of that terrible idea. These two teams are the most friendliest of friends. Sure, Mark is going to complain to the refs about something, but for the most part there will be laughs, pats on the back and an amazing time had by all. It’s the Spirit of BTSH. And just writing this paragraph makes me puke and want to send Diana Marko through a fence.
Prediction: The Gremlins are littered all over the scoring list. Erich is 2nd in the league, Cody just got his (I’m assuming) first career BTSH hat trick, Maire is in there for the women and Jamie is having an ok season with a 1.83 goals against average. Personally, I think you need to be 1.82 or better to be considered good, but whatever.
For Karma….Brianna is on the scoring list because she scored twice in one game.
Crickets.
OK, so maybe they aren’t as prolific as the Gremlins but Pete, Al and Bill are so old and have been in the league so long, Gil calls them, “sir.” So maybe they won’t score that many goals, but they probably are good positionally or something?? But not good enough as Grems take this 4-2. The league takes solace in the fact that Jamie adds to his already horrendous GAA.
Being A Fan
May 16th, 2017I started playing in the league years ago because I missed playing street hockey. I sought out the league for hockey, but like many of us, I found so much more. Among all these great things, something happened to me that I would have never predicted. Over the years I became……a fan.
We may not refer to ourselves as fans, but we are. We watch each other’s games, we cheer each other on, we collect each other’s trading cards (ok, that hasn’t happened yet, but Jerome is working on it). Players can even be seen wearing the shirt of a friend’s team. (This sometimes leads to confusion, since there have been a lot of people switching teams in recent years. But that’s a whole other article.)
I love playing. We all know how much I love playing because I never stop yammering on about playing time. However, in addition to this, I also often realize I am unable to tear myself away from watching the other games. The pinnacle of this occurred during last Sunday’s games, when Gut Rot were playing the-team-formerly-known-as-the-Elves. The only reason I stayed after my game was to watch this specific game. It was rainy, it was cold, it was shitty out. But I stayed, hoping for the upset. I stayed because I’m a Gut Rot fan.
Of course, I’m not the only one. Gut Rot is the team everybody loves to love. This was never more apparent than during this game. As the game progressed, a crowd started to gather. Then that crowd got bigger. Murmurs of “Wait, this game is tied up at 1-1, what??” passed through the crowd. People started to cheer, people started to heckle. People freaked out when Gut Rot went ahead 2-1, and we all freaked out even more when the final whistle blew, signaling the glorious victory.
The fact of the matter is, being a BTSH fan is so much better than being a fan of an NHL team. It’s better because you KNOW these people. How great is it when you see someone who hardly ever scores notch a goal? Or a goalie who rarely gets the W making save after ridiculous save? You know one of your friends is having a rough week, and you witness them have a great game, maybe they even get the shootout winner. They forget about their problems, if only for 50 minutes. You cheer for them until your voice is hoarse, and it all makes them elated. And how does it make you feel? You know exactly how it makes you feel. Because you’re a fan, too.
There are few things in life I love more than playing hockey. But cheering on and supporting my friends who play hockey……that has to be one of them.
photo credit: Jamie B.
Caption Contest Winner
May 15th, 2017By Diana M
Brethren,
This week’s Cap’tion Crunch leads us back to the good old days of tushy humor. I asked you for your worst, and you delivered.
“Worky and Creamy prepare for their roles in the upcoming re-enactment of the Rich Glanzer Fence Incident by testing the tensile strength of said fence.” by Eli K
3rd Place: “Creamy, can you believe that tight calves are pre-existing conditions?” by Tia L
Way to be current and witty, homegirl.
2nd Place: “No, Creamy! Like this. THIS is how you bring all the boys to the yard.” by Isaac S
Trust a Hemsworth to know how to catch some prey.
1st Place: “Worky and Creamy prepare for their roles in the upcoming re-enactment of the Rich Glanzer Fence Incident by testing the tensile strength of said fence.” by Eli K
Your ability to bring everything back to Glanzer takes my breath away.
Honorable mentions:
“Worky you POS. You don’t call a high stick with a minute left when someone thinks they scored. It didn’t affect the play. Or effect? I don’t know I suck with grammar. Fuck you. Hey Creamy. Miss you. Glad you’re back.” by Glanzer
“Check out the Butt on that! Yeah. He must workout.” by Cro
“Our eyes are up here.” by Worky
Happy Mother’s Day to all the BTSH Momma Ballers
May 14th, 2017Dear BTSH Momma Ballers,
Whether you are a current of former league member momma, have a baby-daddy-dude that you gracefully allow to play on Sundays (yes, let’s face it, we ask for permission and they allow us to play), raising a future BTSHers, or are a momma of a current player (like mommas Glanzer! Klion! and Norris!), we thank you for all that you do!
That’a girl Amy.
So, from all of us here at the BTSH media newsroom, we salute you.
Happy Mother’s Day!
Craig loves this idea—he now thinks he may actually get a playoff win this year!
And Gentlemen,
Whether you’ve got a momma, turned a lady into a momma, or know someone who is expecting to join the tortured rewarding sorority of mommas, be sure to take care of them and thank them this Sunday!
Three Stars of Week 6
May 11th, 2017
Cody is on the left. No idea who the other two are.
Cody from the Gremlins had his first career hat trick in their 4-2 upset of Math this week. In honor of the number 3, I conducted this hard-hitting interview with him:
Diana M: What are three “3-ish” facts about you?
Cody: I love threes personally. My initials are CCC, born in the third month of March, was number 33 in hockey. And was born in 93.
Diana M: That was four things. Going forward, please try to contain yourself.
Cody: Sorry
Diana M: What are your favorite 3 things about the Gremlins?
Cody: Favorite things about gremlins…we are a tight knit family, everyone is a team player, they are the reason for each and every goal I have scored.
Diana M: Aw that’s nice. Somewhere JW just got his wings. So what are three things this hat-trick made you feel?
Cody: My hat trick made me feel like a kid again, just enjoying the game, and seeing the smiles on everyone’s faces. Also I peed a little.
Diana M: That was four again, we talked about this.
Cody: Sorry
Diana M: Where are you from, and what are three things that would surprise us about your childhood?
Cody: I am originally from Tampa Bay FL. Three things would be….I always rep my Tampa teams, I’ve always played goalie my whole life, and I started playing floor hockey as a kid in FL since ice was limited and slowly transitioned into ice where I played from the ages of 4-23. So now I’m back to my roots of floor hockey!
Diana M: Well that’s adorable. Lastly, Cody, what are three things you can’t live without?
Cody: Can’t live without hockey, my red gloves, and Jamie B.
Second star: Gut Rot, BITCHEZZ
Gut Rot’s victory was the win heard round the world East Village on Sunday. They went balls to the wall on Fuzz, and continue to be BTSH’s favorite comeback story. Here are our five favorite moments from Gut Rot’s victory:
- There is reportedly a toolbox on Fuzz who was elbowing Jeff in front of the crease, trying to push him out. That is when Jeff got the tip-in for the 2ndgoal. And then Jeff tipped his hat while walking away. Jk, he didn’t have a hat on.
Gut Rot’s Number 1!
- Gut Rot only had three ladies most of the game. One (Morgen) who was still a lil’ drunk from brunch and continuing her funday on the sidelines. The team rally chant was “Morgen’s Drunk” in first half and “Morgen’s Still Drunk” in second half. Kellie came in for the end of second half and killed it on defense
- Thinking the game was over, Anklebiters & Friends rushed the court and then realized there were a few seconds left. So they waited 10 seconds and then rushed again, led by Phil, Sam and JW dousing the green guys in beer.
- The sideline chant “We are Gut Rot”
1. Gut Rot, bitchezzz!
Solid performance, Ed.
Gut Rot’s goalie was completely unfazed by the slick surface in the rain. While other folks slipped around, this ice goalie was digging it – Ed seemed to be right a home skating around in the crease. Everyone is pretty much in agreement that Ed played out of his goddamn mind against Fuzz, prompting Glanzer to ask “Is that your usual goalie?”
Sure is, bitchezzzz, sure is.
