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We’re back, BTSH!  Thanks to The Chairman’s brilliant idea of investing in the nearest liquor store to Sean Spicer’s house we have more than enough funds to get the media machine rolling again.  And to reward you loyal readers how about some official Week 6 Preview, baby!

By BTSH Media Writers

We missed this.

Tompkins Square Riots at Filthier

This is a tough matchup for the Riots who are coming off of that amazing 17 round shootout last week (nice work, Dave GDR!).  Hopefully Laura, Frost and the gang have got enough left in tank to keep pace with one of the fastest teams in the league.  As long as their back-checking specialist shows up they should be alright.

Filthier hasn’t been lighting the lamp this season with the ease of previous ones.  Forcing them to play more of the defensive minded game – something they are unfamiliar with.  But we’ve got a feeling the get the offense back on track in this game and greatly improve their Goals For differential.

Prediction: James doesn’t complete a hat trick because Ann is caught in the crease (again), but Filthy ends up winning 5-0.

Mathematics at Gremlins 

Keeping it BTSH real.

It is oddly suspicious how these two teams that aren’t even the same division end up playing each other each year.  Wonder how the schedule makers could let that happen?

The Gremlins are probably the most unassuming team in all of BTSH.  At first glance they look like a rag-tag team that showed up for the schitz’n giggles and decided to play some street hockey.  But by the middle of the second half they’ve frustrated the schitz out of you and built a comfortable two goal lead.

Math on the other hand baits you into believing you’ve got a chance and then snatches it away like a sensei does a pebble from a pupil.  (Cue Sarah pointing and laughing at <insert team name here>.)  Unfazed by the roster turnover they’ve gone through over the past two years, they just keep on finding ways to win.  Kudos to them.

Prediction: a Norris always seem to find the back of net against the Jamie and Math will find a way to remain undefeated against the Gremmies.  Math 4-3.

Cobra Kai (W/L/W/W/W) vs. Gouging Anklebiters (L/OTL/L/W/W)

With the Anklebiters back on the bounce—thanks to former commissioner Tim ‘Baby’ Brown shadowing what Marc-Andre “McFlurry” Fleury is doing with the Penguins in the postseason, whatever that is—the crew in navy blue will have a good struggle on their hands against the in-form Dojo, whose offensive trident of Will G, L Martens, and Rachel Longlie is, for the moment, unflappable.

Prediction: CK will take the win after regulation, a slugfest of goals for at least 50 minutes.

Butchers (L/L/W/L/L) vs. Mega Touch (L/L/L/L/L)

Both the Butchers and Mega Touch have faced strong competition in the first five matches, but only Georgine’s team emerged victorious at least once so far. If the strike tandem of Pete D’A and David St. Jules appear for this match, it could be easy to close out their jort-wearing rivals. Don’t discount the tenacity of Alex EM and J-Katz, as their hustle and counterattack are resilient.

Prediction: Butchers will likely get the W, but expect much resistance from MT in the game’s entirety.

Fuzz at Gut Rot 

Ok, I am just going to come out and say it: In years past, this would have been a massacre. Fuzz are a well-oiled goal scoring machine (they currently lead the league with 20), and Gut Rot are the absolute BEST, but……not at hockey.

‘Having said that…’

As shown here, Alyssa’s smile isn’t really visible through her cage. But, rest assured, she is smiling.

What the Puck? (W/L/W/W/OTL) vs. Rehabs (W/W/SO/W/W)

Both teams are serious in the gegenpresse, playing defense in all areas of the court. Regardless of the amount of forechecking and backchecking, the refs might call a lot for stick-checking. Aside from the Richiepoothang checking incident on Bryan W (Worldstar!) a long time ago, I’m pretty sure there won’t be actual checking from or to a Rehabs player for this matchup, or any other matchup for that matter. A stalwart Rehabs roster will encounter some new faces on WTP (like that rookie Zac), which just may be the dark horse candidate for this year’s postseason. Obviously writing this too early.

Prediction: WTP will start strong at the gate, but the Rehabs will snatch momentum in the second half to win in regulation.

Sky Fighters at Corlears Hookers

Aaron: ‘Man, look at the butt on that.’
Cro: ‘Yeah, he must work out.’

This is like a celebrity Apprentice episode, where two former A-listers are now battling it out for pennies. The Hookers are far removed from their perch as the league’s best franchise. Now most of the fun is when Sara orders around Noelle telling her to go from defense to offense because Sara is tired and  Noelle’s dreams and desires mean nothing.

Meanwhile the Sky Fighters are like Drago. Their emotionless defensemen, Olivier, Greg, Kuci, just dump the ball as soon as they touch it so neither team can create any offense. Every single game ends in a 3-2 score. You just don’t know if a scrub will add to Mike’s two goals and they win, or no scrub scores and they lose. (Cue Olivier cursing me out but it’s in French  so I don’t understand it anyways. Jo-Ann nods in agreement.)

Prediction: CJ and Jeff score for the Hookers, Stefan scores a rare goal for the Sky Fighters. Of course Mike scores 2 and Erich Graham weeps as Mike takes over the scoring lead and never relinquishes it. Sky 3-2.

Denim Demons at Instant Karma 

I was surprised to learn that Anshu joined the Demons this season. I mean, she is just so nice. (Sorry, Demons). Adding her upped their niceness factor by like a million. Between Anshu, Tracy, and Sara K., they’re really carrying this team in the niceness department. (Sorry, every single other Demon besides those 3, including the many new ones whom I don’t even know.)

I am leaning toward…..yes?

Just look at that smile. Also: check out her rad Tosche Station t-shirt!

Karma is extremely high on the niceness scale (except for Isaac), but they are also struggling a bit this season. They dropped their first 3 games, causing Chadwick to consider immediate retirement. However, they are riding high after winning their last 2, causing Chadwick to decide to stay and continue not scoring any goals, woohoo!

Not nice.

However, what this team may be lacking this season on the hockey rink, they more than make up for on the intelligence……..rink.  Unfortunately for them, this is not the Scripps National Spelling Bee.

Prediction: Karma wins this one in the niceness department, but they get shellacked on the rink. 5-2, for the New Demons. (Karma goals by Nicole and Bill. Demons goals by several people I don’t even know.)

Dark Rainbows (L/L/L/L/SO) vs. Fresh Kills (W/W/W/W/W)

Reminiscing what happened when Coach Bombay and Team USA first encountered Gunnar Stahl and Team Iceland in the Junior Goodwill Games, I feel the same will likely happen here. But maybe Cro will be so enamored in his new wine-flavored whistle that most of the errant blows he’ll make will likely fall against the undefeated blue crew, and the fluorescent fuschians will capitalize on them. Agree or nah?

Prediction: 12-1 to Team Iceland.

LBS, Inc. at Poutine Machine

Hey, LBS, you ready to go?

Facing off against Poutine this season has been like f*cking a gorilla.  You go until the gorilla stops.

Luckily for LBS they’ve got the stamina to last 50+ minutes with those uglies.

Charlotte and Boylan might get all the attention (for obvious reasons), but don’t sleep on the savvy veteran, Ali, or Poutine’s rookie Hilary (aka Larry). Both of them have been just as instrumental to their team’s play this season and could be difference in this bout.

The other game within the game that all the talking heads can’t stop jabbering about is LBS’s fast wheel’n Scott against Poutine’s other rookie Peltsie. Both can move the ball and are accustomed to finding the back of the net, but what do they have to offer on defense?

Prediction: Jerome earns a brace, but LBS gets another W, 4-2.

For any updates or corrections, please reach out to derek@btsh.org.