BTSH Plants Undercover Agents on Scene of Infamous Opening Party — Agents Report on Timeline of Events in “HiFi” Bar and Lounge
March 27th, 20176:40pm: The sandwich falls on the floor during set up, and early volunteers picked it up while counting to 5 in hushed tones.
Week 1 Box Scores!
March 27th, 2017
| Fresh Kills |  |
3-0 |  |
LBS Inc. | Final |
| Fresh Kills: Ashley Singer (1), Ariel Imas x 2 (2) LBS Inc.: Goalie Win: Kevin Longwell (via Corlears Hookers) |
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| Cobra Kai |  |
1-0 |  |
Instant Karma | Final |
| Cobra Kai: Will Green (1) Instant Karma: Goalie Win: Campbell Weaver (1) |
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| Corlears Hookers |  |
4-2 |  |
Mega Touch | Final |
| Corlears Hookers: John Wolff (1), Tiffany Hagge (1), Brian Cronauer (1), Jeff Kamen (1) Mega Touch: Alex Eben Meyer (1), Aaron Arredondo (1) Goalie Win: Kevin Longwell (1) |
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| Rehabs |  |
4-3 |  |
Fuzz | Final(OT) |
| Rehabs: Alex May x 2 (2), Joey Batista x 2 (2) Fuzz: Jeff Laniado (1), Miles Hilder (1), Brian Hicks (1) Goalie Win: Hector Melendez (1) |
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| Filthier |  |
3-0 |  |
Denim Demons | Final |
| Filthier: Sunny Mehra (1), Ann Mathews (1), James Pereira (1) Denim Demons: Goalie Win: Tim Kayiatos (1) |
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| Mathematics |  |
2-1 |  |
Butchers | Final |
| Mathematics: Sam Norris x 2 (2) Butchers: Mike Mincieli (1) Goalie Win: David Liang (1) |
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| Gouging Anklebiters |  |
2-3 |  |
Sky Fighters | Final(SO) |
| Gouging Anklebiters: Jeremy Schumacher (1), Ben Probert (1) Sky Fighters: Michael Teytelbaum x 2 (2) Shootout: Winner by Michael Teytelbaum Goalie Win: James Stein (1) |
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| Poutine Machine |  |
0-3 |  |
What The Puck | Final |
| Poutine Machine: What The Puck: Mike Dudolevitch (1), Justin Michaliga x 2 (2) Goalie Win: Jordan Gerow (1) |
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| Gremlins |  |
7-0 |  |
Dark Rainbows | Final |
| Gremlins: Iannis Tourlakis (1), Ryan Mills (1), Erich Graham x 4 (4), Maire Lane (1) Dark Rainbows: Goalie Win: Jamie Batuwantudawe (1) |
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| Gut Rot |  |
3-2 |  |
Tompkins Square Riots | Final(SO) |
| Gut Rot: Michael Gilligan (1), Scott Kollar (1) Tompkins Square Riots: Christina Rohe (1), David Frost (1) Shootout: Winner by Liza Watts Goalie Win: Matt Newman (via Free Agent) |
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Week 1 Game Predictions! Sunday, Mar. 26, 2017
March 26th, 2017Fresh Kills at LBS Inc., East 12:30
The early battle of these two titans assures should set the tone for the season. Can Ali rally her allies over Dave’s ravening slaves? It probably depends on who’s in net. One thing’s for sure, it’s never smart to bet against Fresh Kills. Yuan’s Yuinners: 4-3 Kills.
The Three Red Dwarves for Sunday, Mar. 26, 2017
March 25th, 2017Well. Since I’m not being paid by BTSH (if you could call that getting paid), I don’t have to be nice to any of you fucks (if you could call that being nice). Here they are, your Three Red Dwarves, you animals. Yeah, the games haven’t even happened yet, but does it really matter? I look forward to reading the Facebook comments and finding out who y’all you think should have gotten a star. Wait, no. No I don’t. Eat a dick, BTSH, with love from the Lampoon’s Department of Celestial Metaphors. And choke on this.
Leaked Press Briefing: 3/24/2017
March 24th, 2017
Dear Subjects,
As the season opener approaches, please remember to pay your league fees because BTSH is dissolving as a company and now that money will go directly to each team so they my spend it as they see fit. This might sound familiar to you, dear reader, as the captains have elected to give power back to its rightful owners: individuals. Namely, the captains.
