btsh.org

by Richiepoothang

As 2016 comes to a close, we have one more gift for you, the BTSH Universe. The last member of the 2016 HOF. Inducted by the Old Timers Committee, this player could have been a first ballot Hall of Famer, but wasn’t, because he doesn’t like his own Facebook statuses. (So its not me, Derk or Hicks.)

Patrick Sven L. is our newest member. There are many reasons why Sven should be a HOFer and only a few reasons why he shouldn’t. We will go over all of them, both good and bad.

Sven has found a better paying job since leaving BTSH Media.

Reasons why Sven should be in HOF:

• There would be no HOF without Sven…since he’s the one that actually created it. He initially came up with a really crappy idea of inducting Alex Eben Jerkface’s socks and other stupid gimmicks when he then realized…hey why not induct jerks like Alex? So the HOF was created and jerks like Alex eventually got in.
• Sven is one of the few players to captain two different franchises. He joined the league in 2005* with the Mighty Squirrels until they disbanded after the 2009 season. In 2010 Sven created Poutine Machine and captained them until his last game against the Happy Little Elves in 2014. (What you thought I wasn’t going to mention the Elves at all in this article? Stupid Idiots.)
• Poutine could have turned into perennial losers. They never had a lot of talent, but my God did Sven’s passion for playing get them fired up. I’m not just saying this btw. As all our shins know, few people played harder than Sven and his team has always matched his intensity. Is that the Spirit of BTSH? Not for some of you wusses like Black Rob, but for a lot of us it is. The biggest compliment I can give Sven is that even though he retired in 2014, for two years and many more to come, Poutine will honor his legacy by playing as hard as he did. He passed on his intensity to Jo-Anne and she has done a great job passing it down to the others. I truly feel a championship will happen for them.**
• There are very few people in the league who have done more for BTSH than Sven. I don’t know when he started reffing, but I know he was there when I started in 2008 and was there at the end in 2014. He was Mr. Dependable and even would sub in for Filthy when they (routinely) didn’t provide a ref. (No offense Monica.) Keep in mind, in those days we were making $3 a game at times and only if Reubens remembered to pay us. (Yes, not paying refs in BTSH is a tradition.)
• Anyone who mentions power couple deserves to get punched in the face. Especially if you #hashtag it because that makes you even more of a Walker. But Sven and his wife Monica are the only husband and wife ever inducted into the BTSH HOF. And Baby Talia may not have as many likes as Derk’s new baby, but she could certainly deadlift more than her.

But for Christ Sakes, Sven’s not God. He has his flaws. Lets go over them…

• The Squirrels tied the Elves in 2008. We went 1-16-1. And if Chadwick didn’t idiotically choose Jerome over me in the shootout we would have won. (I actually believe this. I had a great game and would have scored.)
• No one calls a routinely strange timeout more than Sven (no offense). You can set your watch to it. With 10 minutes left in the 2^nd half Sven would call a timeout to gather his team and discuss strategy or something. Dude, you’re down by 2 goals, you will need that timeout later. And worst yet, Jo-Anne now does it! (Though she claims she doesn’t, but she does.) This is why Julie didn’t even want him inducted.
• I don’t know if this is true at all, but Georgine has more career goals than him.

But those two, maybe three flaws not-withstanding, Sven is certainly deserving. So congrats Sven…now the only thing you have to tell us is what jersey you are going to were in the HOF picture? Poutine or Squirrels?

• * = According to Elly
• ** = Only if (Brian Sullivan Alert) Brian Sullivan listens to me and stops adding players unless they are supremely talented. Unfortunately he recently tried to poach Shean DeLasy so I’m not sure if I really believe this. Also I’m probably going to poach Charlotte from them soon.

by Richiehero

If you had to pick two OG’s for BTSH, it would be Bob W. and SB. SB created BTSH, and Bob W. became the commissioner. Those two created and formed the early days of BTSH. While we will forever be in debt to those trailblazers, the (ambiguously straight) duo that turned BTSH from a fun league to a legendary league are Derek and Eli.

The pair ran BTSH.org for many years and in my opinion, no one has done it better (no offense to Sven, me or Isaac). They would show up each Sunday and take pictures and watch every game so they would have something to write about. They even wrote previews for post-season exhibition games.

They also were not afraid to pick a winner and loser, and make some hockey digs. Playing for the 2008 Elves was a miserable, miserable experience. We won our first game against the Tuques and lost every game after except the time we played Rachel Greene’s team and tied them because any team Rachel is on isn’t very good at hockey (except for her stacked Feasterville team that she probably should call Fuzz). Unlike the safespace safety pins of Isaac, Sam and Rachel, these two were not afraid to call it like they saw it. When the Elves played the Anklebiters in a postseason scrimmage their game preview was, “Bad hockey.” Can you imagine if someone said that about a Rainbows v Gut Rot game? (2017 Rainbows version, since asshole Cro got his wish again…and made the Hookers really good again by taking Roberts, Bill, Kevin etc. from the Rainbows.)

But Derk and Elly were so much more than just writers for the website. Both were bar regulars and a friendly face on the side of the courts. If there was a heavy rock on the courts, they could probably bench press it as both benched more than 259 pounds, and anyone that’s ever benched more than 259 pounds is really strong and probably very good looking.

On the rink, things weren’t so great for the pair. Math kinda sucked for a long time until a Norris came along. Just one: Zach. But luckily Zach cloned himself into several other Norris’ including a dullard named Sam who was really good at hockey. Math made it all the way to the semis where they famously lost to the Hookers in overtime. While everyone blames Aaron for missing a goal, I blame Math for blowing a 2-1 lead with a minute left. Yeah, Aaron screwed Math, but Math screwed Math first.

Unfortunately, Derk gave the GM reigns to Zach and Sam and Math has yet to win a game against anyone but the Rainbows, Fuzz (in a shootout) and Gut Rot since. BTW, I think Amy just defected to the Sky Fighters.

But the best way to end this tangent-filled article is by remembering them for what they did when they vacated their throne as .org writers. They nominated themselves for Best Duo. They decided it would be funny if they won and thought they’d get booed off the stage. But the fans would have none of it and cheered them. Because they deserve it.

Heroes.

Congratulations

by Richiehero

There are very few people in this world where if you get into an argument with someone, you know immediately its you, not them. Georgine is one of those people. If you get into an argument with Georgine, you’re wrong, you just are.

Another reason Georgine is a HOFer…Georgine is the nicest American in BTSH. I mean she’s clearly nicer than Schuey and Rubens, so that’s two down. While Sam Norris is a pretty nice guy he’s no Zach Norris, so Sam is eliminated and we can compare her to Zach. Zach is from Cleveland and I’m not really sure where that is so he’s eliminated. So by process of elimination, Georgine is the nicest American. She’s clearly no Corey W but luckily for her, he’s from Canada. (Also if Georgine and Corey got into an argument, please video it, but I have to take Corey’s side I think, but its close).

But seriously, when people talk about the “Spirit of BTSH” I typically want to punch them in the face, because who the fuck are you to tell anyone else what the spirit of how you play should be? Yes, playing clean and not being a dick certainly are BTSH requirements, but why is hustle, loyalty and respect a bad thing? Sorry, I was just texting Hicks and got side-tracked.

The point I am trying to make is that Georgine really plays the game the right BTSH way. She’s friendly, approachable and pretty good at the actual game of hockey. Her career highlight is when she scored a natural hat trick for the Butchers. After the game she was her usual modest self when I asked how she felt and she said, “I thought it was excessive.”

Congrats Georgine!