BTSH Experts Predict the 2016-2017 NHL Season
October 12th, 2016The 2016-2017 NHL Season is kicking off today! And to get everyone fired up about it, we’ve assemble a vast panel of the most respected Hockey minds in our community to predict how the season will play out. They’ve analyzed all of the off-season moves, team’s training programs, player’s vacations and current relationship status to give a definitive answer. Here are their findings:
(Note: Byron Clavvicle sustained an injury prior to submitting his predictions. It is unclear at the moment if the unfortunate incident will impact his decision making on selecting the winner of the 2016 Clavvy Award.)
What team will win each division?
Clavvicle: 8
What team will be the surprise sleeper from each division?
Clavvicle: Bridgeport Sound Tigers
Which teams will make the playoffs from each division?
EASTERN CONFERENCE
Clavvicle: Gilgamesh
Clavvicle: Washington!
WESTERN CONFERENCE
Clavvicle: there is no western conference
Clavvicle:
Which teams will represent their conference in the finals and which one will win the Cup?
Clavvicle: Ak Bars Kazan
Which team will win the President’s Trophy for most points?
Clavvicle: Metallurg Magnetogorsk
Who will be MVP?
Hopper: Sidney Crosby, Pittsburgh Penguins
Eli: Jamie Benn, Dallas Stars
Sif: Alexander Ovechkin, Washington Capitals
Isaac: Carey Price, Montreal Canadiens
Clavvicle: Bob Boughner
Who will be ROY?
Hopper: Auston Matthews, Toronto Maple Leafs
Eli: Patrik Laine, Winnipeg Jets
Sif: Patrik Laine, Winnipeg Jets
Isaac: Auston Matthews, Toronto Maple Leafs
Clavvicle: ROY WILL BE ROY
Who will win the Selke Trophy?
Hopper: Who cares. Probably Toews or some shit.
Eli: Anze Kopitar, Los Angeles Kings
Sif: Anze Kopitar, Los Angeles Kings
Isaac: Nicklas Backstrom, Washington Capitals
Clavvicle: John Walker, obviously
Who will win the Norris Trophy?
Hopper: Erik Karlsson, Ottawa Senators
Eli: Erik Karlsson, Ottawa Senators
Sif: Shea Weber, Montreal Canadiens
Isaac: Brent Burns, San Jose Sharks
Clavvicle: Zach Norris
Who will be Coach of the Year?
Hopper: Guy Boucher, Ottawa Senators
Eli: Peter Laviolette, Nashville Predators
Sif: Barry Trotz, Washington Capitals
Isaac: Bruce Broudreau, Minnesota Wild
Clavvicle: Zoltan Istvan
Who will lead the league in points?
Hopper: Connor McDavid, Edmonton Oilers
Eli: Connor McDavid, Edmonton Oilers
Sif: Evgeny Kuznetsov, Washington Capitals
Isaac: Jamie Benn, Dallas Stars
Clavvicle: Eli Kazin
Who is most likely to be traded?
Hopper: Martin Hanzal, Arizona Coyotes (LOCK)
Eli: Ben Bishop, Tampa Bay Lightning
Sif: Marc-Andre Fleury, Pittsburgh Penguins
Isaac: Henrik Lunquist, New York Rangers
Clavvicle: 1. Eli Kazin. 2. Penguins to KHL.
Who will be involved in an off-ice scandal? And what will it be?
Hopper: 1. Patrick Kane and Evander Kane will literally blow up a hospital, Joker from Dark Knight style, and face zero consequences. 2. Montreal fires Michel Therrien then makes the playoffs with a different coach. 3. The first team to fire it’s coach will hire Ralph Krueger, the Team Europe guy (unless it’s Montreal. Maybe Islanders or Detroit?).
Sif: One of the lesser known Kardashians will start dating an NHL player on a team in the Western Conference. Leading to front office groans, fan disgust and protest, and an almost trade.
Isaac: During the All-Star break Phil Kessel will visit Hershey Park, PA for the first time, never to be heard from again…
Clavvicle: Donald Trump
Three Stars of the Rained out Quarterfinals
October 9th, 2016There were Rain Fears but fear not young BTSHers, that doesn’t mean we’re not doing the 3 Stars. Unfortunately, we still can’t upload new pictures (did Danielle only pay half the bill?) so we are going to have to go with the same pictures we always use.
Everyone’s favorite picture
Round of 8 Previews
October 6th, 2016The Round of Eight is finally here! Will there be a rainout? I don’t know–there was an 80% chance of rain on Saturday on Wednesday, now there’s a 40% chance that may shift the day of the downpour to Friday or … Sunday! Will Hurricane Matthew Newman let us play?!
But wait, Mr. Met is no longer in the playoffs, so who could possibly replace him? This guy, he’s someone you definitely don’t want to see on your court Sunday, and definitely not in the Round of 4’s.
But, this type of vague information on weather.com calls for a hero. Like someone who used to work at a news service, preferably in broadcasting or reporting, possibly chased people around in a car who were talking on their cell phone, and has deep contacts with a Long Island weatherman. Well, this sucks, I know an asshole with that background, but surely not a hero.
Fresh Kills v. Butchers
Neither team submitted their mad libs against humanity, so I guess they get a real preview…
Fresh Kills has been a solid team all year, when their studs show up to play. You know who I’m talking about–any one on their roster. This year, they’ve seen short benches here and there, but if Tom, Gabe, Ariel, Pat Moore, and a few others make it with a strong Barch in net, they’re going to have a real strong showing against the Butchers.
But the Butchers are not to be underestimated. Posting the best season and strongest squad in Butcher history, the Meats will also be a force to reckon with. Their speed across the board may make it hard for Moore to track and Gabe and Ariel to chase down. While the Butchers’ captain, Dana, hangs out in the best vineyards in Tuscany, her squad will be playing in a franchise-defining game.
Although 2011 had a good squad, the 2016 Meats are really stacked. It also doesn’t look like anyone in this photo has aged in the last 5 years. Good on you!
Will a Butchers win be an upset? No, not really, if you have ever watched the Amazin’ Meats team this year. I don’t know who will come out on top, but it’s going to be a nail-biting game, possibly going into OT.
Lbs, Inc. v. Filthier
Last week Filthier had a Mr. Flopper of a game. Their soiled in oil performance, which was tantamount to the Rainbow’s no douches in this crease style of play was a real test. Luckily, pen15 pulled a baseball bat down a hallway maneuver to win the game.
But, the Pounds are looking to give it to them doggy style by the dog pound, making them all lubricated and milky. This game will get interesting if this happens.
Meanwhile, Filthier did not submit their mad libs against humanity, so they’re previews are looking a bit more bleak. Will Denny and the Gang take back control of their playoff run? Will Adela be roster checked because she’s only showed up twice or so this season? With Shaq back from Oktoberfest or wherever the hell he was, and the perfect duo, James and Ann, on the prowl, the game’s final score will be left up to both teams’ stellar goaltending.
G. Anklebiters v. Rehabs
The Anklebiters are known for taking teams to the final minutes of playoff games. With Ben, Derho, and their secret shooting weapon who shall not be named, Eric Ramirez may have some trouble coming his way. Despite not posting a phenomenal season record, they can go toe to toe with any team in this league. A few bounces their way, with some grit and hustle, is going to make this game a true $H0wD0wN.
In that same vein, the Rehabs are looking incredibly strong this year. They acquired two players from inarguably the best team in league history for a pastrami sandwich from Tompkins Finest Deli, but they may have to forfeit this game due to these illegal players after their captain failed to pay the “next round of beer is on us” clause of the contract, which has been outstanding for more than 8 weeks. With two of the best women constantly on defense and a swath of hunks always prepared to shoot the ball, the Anklebiters may become moreover nailbiters this game, as Craig is going to have to do a lot to keep them out of the net.
Sky Fighters v. Fuzz
And finally, the preview that I’ve been waiting to get to. Not because of a certain affinity for either team, but because over the past couple days, I learned a lot about Rich Glanzer by asking a simple question: can you please send me a set of nouns, verbs, adjectives/adverbs, and sexual innuendoes for a mad libs/cards against humanity preview? So, this is what we are left with–when you thought commas were an issue–nouns, verbs, and sexual innuendoes are just as hard to come by…
While the Skyfighters are coming off a win against the team with the biggest pipe organs BTSH has ever known, the Fuzz is going to have to Cosby and gush the Skyfighters’ lubricious defense. Will Fuzz’s stubby be enough to break through Bob W’s and Greg’s gelatinous zone? With Jeff’s diddle and Rich’s squishy, things are going to get weird.
Fuzz looks on at disgust from what Rich sent me.
Meanwhile, the Fuzz is going to have to be slippery, oily, creamy, buttery, gloopy, gooey, lush, glossy, blubbery, moist, and make this the worst previews in Round of 8 history due to Rich sending me his breakfast menu, instead of what was asked. And, Familia sucks. If I had a dollar for every time I said that to Mets fans over the last two years, I’d have enough money for a significant vacation.
Not Three Stars of the Round of 16
October 5th, 2016by Richiehero
Not Third Star
Ramy from Rehabs
We’ve all made bad predictions in our lives, but lets forgive ourselves and focus on Ramy’s. You picked the Hookers and Fuzz to advance, even though the odds were we were going to play each other. You picked FK and Instant Karma to advance even though the odds were 100% they were playing each other! I know we gave it to you pretty good on the Facebook page, but I didn’t feel satisfied. I didn’t feel like it was enough. I’m still not 100% satisfied but this is making me feel a little better. But I may need your work phone # to yell at you some more if you don’t mind.
Not Second Star
BTSH Media
So let me get this straight, after six long months of fun, but basically meaningless hockey, we finally get to the playoffs…and all three stars goes to people on losing teams. Like it’s ok to want to win people. It doesn’t make you a bad person. She’ll deny this to the day she dies, but when the Butchers beat Cobra Kai, Rachel Greene, screamed and pumped her fist. Yes, Kevin played such an amazing game he absolutely deserved first star. But winning doesn’t make you an asshole. Thinking you are too cool and pretending you don’t want to win does. (That wasn’t directed at you unless your name is Sam Norris.)
Not First Star
Justin P. of Mathematics and WTP (sub)
Loser. Loser. You get two losers because you got eliminated twice from the playoffs. First Math barked their way out of the playoffs by forgetting to cover Mike T. And then Justin from WTP decided you “won” the lottery by asking you to play against Fuzz. It reminds me of the best short story of all time, “The Lottery.” That’s right, I read.
But I digress. Justin, you should have asked to play for Fuzz. What were you thinking?!?
And OMG! He also got crushed in the BTSH fantasy football league. Can we just trade him out for Newman or something? Newman.
Three Stars of the Round of 16 Playoffs
October 4th, 2016
THIRD STAR
Yuriy Turetskiy from Mega Touch
by Rachel G
Yes…that’s how you spell his name. I think. But I am pretty sure he left Facebook, so who is left to correct me? I digress (too much time with Glanzer?). Did anyone watch the Mega Touch vs Anklebiters game? I mean, all of BTSH wanted to watch this game. But Yuriy was an (probably not entirely) unsung hero. He decided to save all his 2016 goals for the playoffs. We all tip our hats to Mega, but let’s buy this man a beer. Also, he would be really helpful playing against the Fresh Kills, since he’s cracked the code…Petitska.
SECOND STAR
The Almost Upsets
by Sam
Well, playoffs v1.5 came and went yesterday, leaving the majority of teams predicted to win having won. Assholes.
However, despite a bunch of assholes playing and winning, there were some phenom plays across two games that almost gave the BTSH Universe some more underdog mythology. But all for not, they came up short. Here is their story:
Mega Touch vs. the Gouging Anklebiters (A first person account from referee, Josh Wilson, with editor’s notes enclosed)
“I reffed Mega/GA. It was a very even and clean game. Both teams played great team games. Also want to give a shout out/[Handjob]/thanks to the Anklebiters for buying our team a round.
[The shitbag] Gouging Anklebiters hit a crossbar in the opening seconds [because they really, really suck] and Caroline [unfortunately] scored a minute later. Yuriy scored the next 2 goals [and Julie tells me they were both beauties]. Worky tied it with about 4 minutes left.Ben hit a crossbar with a few minutes left and Julie had 2 whacks out front at the buzzer, [but Craig gobbled the hell out of those balls].
Chuck scored on the shootout. The Mega girl totally faked Craig out but missed the empty net [I mean, come on, Cheeky!] and Alex scored. [Regardless, Mega is still sexy as he-ell!]”
Hats off to Mega Touch this year–their best season in their history. Cheers.
Dark Rainbows vs. Filthier
The Dark Rainbows are known for three things: free shoes, a guy that looks like Jaromir Jagr, and always having the potential to upset the hell out of a team. While I wore the first part yesterday, I also got to witness the legend of the two latter parts.
After the half, the Rainbows were up 1-0. A BTSH heckle wall had formed, about to potentially witness the 2015 BTSH Champions be unseated in the first round of playoffs. An upset this big hadn’t happened in awhile, except an hour prior when WTP beat The Fuzz in a forfeit due to continued full line changes on water breaks. But nobody cares about The Fuzz, or even if the “t” in “the” is capitalized. Is their name just “Fuzz” or “The Fuzz”? Either way, the Rainbows kept their pressure on the next 12 minutes, having many scoring opportunities, when league asshole and ugliest person alive, Dennis “Please Call Me Denny” scored the game tying goal. Then, moments later, the heckle wall started to cheer, as “Free Shoes” Bill broke loose and had a breakaway. Unfortunately, he didn’t score and the league leading face and chief philanthropist, Jeff Kamen, scored with 11 seconds to go on a screen of 3 players.
FIRST STAR
Longwell from Dark Rainbows
by Byron Clavicle
The BTSH sweet sixteen playoff day is traditionally a bloodbath, as the top seeds sharpen their proverbial skates on the bones of the lower-ranked. Those upper echelon teams are the ones you only cheer for if you’re on them– oh sure, they’re swell people with skills that are really super, but on the morning of game day you still hope someone’s cut the brake-line on their team bus. But, eh, they usually advance, in what we may as well just call Hockey Massacre Day. This particular one, October 2nd, is also the day Ivan the Terrible razed Kazan in 1552, and worse yet, Phil Kessel’s birthday.
So, this week was no different. One-by-one, the lower seeds fell. The LBS exorcised the reformed Denim Demons; What The Puck got stopped, frisked, and busted by Fuzz; the Gremlins OD’d on the Rehabs’ methadone; Cobra Kai got filleted and gutted by the Butchers; and Instant Karma was reincarnated as a small flightless bird by the Fresh Kills. The best thing that can be said for those teams winning is that, if any of them advance to the finals, the Heckle Wall will once again be the star of the day.
But a strange thing happened around 4 o’clock that gave hope to the afternoon’s disemboweled prey. The Dark Rainbows took an early 1-0 lead in their game against our league’s Filthiest, and held it against a barrage of wicked shots, frustrating the best team money could buy for the better part of an hour. The defense deserves plenty of credit, sure, and the Rainbows offense was valiant. But the action was mostly on their defensive side, and the true highlights were the goalie’s. He shrugged off cannonades from all directions, points, slot, wings, and probably even a few shots from the opposing goalie. Not your garden-variety limp lobs on net, either, but fully operational Death Star laser beams. The Rainbows held strong. It was one of the most stunning displays of goal-line determination this reporter has seen in 9 years of BTSH. Finally, with only a few minutes left, Filthier got a fluky-looking thing past him. Resignation filled the air. A few minutes later, eleven seconds before it would’ve gone to overtime, Filthier struck the knockout blow. At that moment, to quote John Walker, “the league’s collective heart broke.” And the day was done.
So the vanquished are home at last with their families, dreaming of what might have been on the digital ice of NHL 2K17, or maybe they’re still sucking on a bottle of Thunderbird in the the Tompkins Square restrooms. I don’t know. But I do know that no one among us would have traded places with Filthier for those first 45 minutes, pounding helplessly at the brick wall the Rainbows had minding their net.
His name is Kevin Longwell and he is this week’s first star.
Honorable Mentions:
An Ice Cold Can of Beer by Perras, not only good for celebrating victories or washing away defeat, it can also be used as an ice pack. So says Derho’s right eye.
Carlton from the Rehabs by Mia, Blonde Patrick Swayze cut open his knuckles during a fall against The Gremlins. But he continued to rage, scoring a sick goal as blood gushed down his hand and legs. It was a messy job bandaging him up—it took a lot of gauze to stop the bleeding and clean the wound (all those droplets on the ground came from him). Frankly, his DNA was all over my hands… I’m hoping some of his skills rubbed off on me.
