Round of 8 Previews
October 6th, 2016The Round of Eight is finally here! Will there be a rainout? I don’t know–there was an 80% chance of rain on Saturday on Wednesday, now there’s a 40% chance that may shift the day of the downpour to Friday or … Sunday! Will Hurricane Matthew Newman let us play?!
But wait, Mr. Met is no longer in the playoffs, so who could possibly replace him? This guy, he’s someone you definitely don’t want to see on your court Sunday, and definitely not in the Round of 4’s.
But, this type of vague information on weather.com calls for a hero. Like someone who used to work at a news service, preferably in broadcasting or reporting, possibly chased people around in a car who were talking on their cell phone, and has deep contacts with a Long Island weatherman. Well, this sucks, I know an asshole with that background, but surely not a hero.
Fresh Kills v. Butchers
Neither team submitted their mad libs against humanity, so I guess they get a real preview…
Fresh Kills has been a solid team all year, when their studs show up to play. You know who I’m talking about–any one on their roster. This year, they’ve seen short benches here and there, but if Tom, Gabe, Ariel, Pat Moore, and a few others make it with a strong Barch in net, they’re going to have a real strong showing against the Butchers.
But the Butchers are not to be underestimated. Posting the best season and strongest squad in Butcher history, the Meats will also be a force to reckon with. Their speed across the board may make it hard for Moore to track and Gabe and Ariel to chase down. While the Butchers’ captain, Dana, hangs out in the best vineyards in Tuscany, her squad will be playing in a franchise-defining game.
Although 2011 had a good squad, the 2016 Meats are really stacked. It also doesn’t look like anyone in this photo has aged in the last 5 years. Good on you!
Will a Butchers win be an upset? No, not really, if you have ever watched the Amazin’ Meats team this year. I don’t know who will come out on top, but it’s going to be a nail-biting game, possibly going into OT.
Lbs, Inc. v. Filthier
Last week Filthier had a Mr. Flopper of a game. Their soiled in oil performance, which was tantamount to the Rainbow’s no douches in this crease style of play was a real test. Luckily, pen15 pulled a baseball bat down a hallway maneuver to win the game.
But, the Pounds are looking to give it to them doggy style by the dog pound, making them all lubricated and milky. This game will get interesting if this happens.
Meanwhile, Filthier did not submit their mad libs against humanity, so they’re previews are looking a bit more bleak. Will Denny and the Gang take back control of their playoff run? Will Adela be roster checked because she’s only showed up twice or so this season? With Shaq back from Oktoberfest or wherever the hell he was, and the perfect duo, James and Ann, on the prowl, the game’s final score will be left up to both teams’ stellar goaltending.
G. Anklebiters v. Rehabs
The Anklebiters are known for taking teams to the final minutes of playoff games. With Ben, Derho, and their secret shooting weapon who shall not be named, Eric Ramirez may have some trouble coming his way. Despite not posting a phenomenal season record, they can go toe to toe with any team in this league. A few bounces their way, with some grit and hustle, is going to make this game a true $H0wD0wN.
In that same vein, the Rehabs are looking incredibly strong this year. They acquired two players from inarguably the best team in league history for a pastrami sandwich from Tompkins Finest Deli, but they may have to forfeit this game due to these illegal players after their captain failed to pay the “next round of beer is on us” clause of the contract, which has been outstanding for more than 8 weeks. With two of the best women constantly on defense and a swath of hunks always prepared to shoot the ball, the Anklebiters may become moreover nailbiters this game, as Craig is going to have to do a lot to keep them out of the net.
Sky Fighters v. Fuzz
And finally, the preview that I’ve been waiting to get to. Not because of a certain affinity for either team, but because over the past couple days, I learned a lot about Rich Glanzer by asking a simple question: can you please send me a set of nouns, verbs, adjectives/adverbs, and sexual innuendoes for a mad libs/cards against humanity preview? So, this is what we are left with–when you thought commas were an issue–nouns, verbs, and sexual innuendoes are just as hard to come by…
While the Skyfighters are coming off a win against the team with the biggest pipe organs BTSH has ever known, the Fuzz is going to have to Cosby and gush the Skyfighters’ lubricious defense. Will Fuzz’s stubby be enough to break through Bob W’s and Greg’s gelatinous zone? With Jeff’s diddle and Rich’s squishy, things are going to get weird.
Fuzz looks on at disgust from what Rich sent me.
Meanwhile, the Fuzz is going to have to be slippery, oily, creamy, buttery, gloopy, gooey, lush, glossy, blubbery, moist, and make this the worst previews in Round of 8 history due to Rich sending me his breakfast menu, instead of what was asked. And, Familia sucks. If I had a dollar for every time I said that to Mets fans over the last two years, I’d have enough money for a significant vacation.
Not Three Stars of the Round of 16
October 5th, 2016by Richiehero
Not Third Star
Ramy from Rehabs
We’ve all made bad predictions in our lives, but lets forgive ourselves and focus on Ramy’s. You picked the Hookers and Fuzz to advance, even though the odds were we were going to play each other. You picked FK and Instant Karma to advance even though the odds were 100% they were playing each other! I know we gave it to you pretty good on the Facebook page, but I didn’t feel satisfied. I didn’t feel like it was enough. I’m still not 100% satisfied but this is making me feel a little better. But I may need your work phone # to yell at you some more if you don’t mind.
Not Second Star
BTSH Media
So let me get this straight, after six long months of fun, but basically meaningless hockey, we finally get to the playoffs…and all three stars goes to people on losing teams. Like it’s ok to want to win people. It doesn’t make you a bad person. She’ll deny this to the day she dies, but when the Butchers beat Cobra Kai, Rachel Greene, screamed and pumped her fist. Yes, Kevin played such an amazing game he absolutely deserved first star. But winning doesn’t make you an asshole. Thinking you are too cool and pretending you don’t want to win does. (That wasn’t directed at you unless your name is Sam Norris.)
Not First Star
Justin P. of Mathematics and WTP (sub)
Loser. Loser. You get two losers because you got eliminated twice from the playoffs. First Math barked their way out of the playoffs by forgetting to cover Mike T. And then Justin from WTP decided you “won” the lottery by asking you to play against Fuzz. It reminds me of the best short story of all time, “The Lottery.” That’s right, I read.
But I digress. Justin, you should have asked to play for Fuzz. What were you thinking?!?
And OMG! He also got crushed in the BTSH fantasy football league. Can we just trade him out for Newman or something? Newman.
Three Stars of the Round of 16 Playoffs
October 4th, 2016
THIRD STAR
Yuriy Turetskiy from Mega Touch
by Rachel G
Yes…that’s how you spell his name. I think. But I am pretty sure he left Facebook, so who is left to correct me? I digress (too much time with Glanzer?). Did anyone watch the Mega Touch vs Anklebiters game? I mean, all of BTSH wanted to watch this game. But Yuriy was an (probably not entirely) unsung hero. He decided to save all his 2016 goals for the playoffs. We all tip our hats to Mega, but let’s buy this man a beer. Also, he would be really helpful playing against the Fresh Kills, since he’s cracked the code…Petitska.
SECOND STAR
The Almost Upsets
by Sam
Well, playoffs v1.5 came and went yesterday, leaving the majority of teams predicted to win having won. Assholes.
However, despite a bunch of assholes playing and winning, there were some phenom plays across two games that almost gave the BTSH Universe some more underdog mythology. But all for not, they came up short. Here is their story:
Mega Touch vs. the Gouging Anklebiters (A first person account from referee, Josh Wilson, with editor’s notes enclosed)
“I reffed Mega/GA. It was a very even and clean game. Both teams played great team games. Also want to give a shout out/[Handjob]/thanks to the Anklebiters for buying our team a round.
[The shitbag] Gouging Anklebiters hit a crossbar in the opening seconds [because they really, really suck] and Caroline [unfortunately] scored a minute later. Yuriy scored the next 2 goals [and Julie tells me they were both beauties]. Worky tied it with about 4 minutes left.Ben hit a crossbar with a few minutes left and Julie had 2 whacks out front at the buzzer, [but Craig gobbled the hell out of those balls].
Chuck scored on the shootout. The Mega girl totally faked Craig out but missed the empty net [I mean, come on, Cheeky!] and Alex scored. [Regardless, Mega is still sexy as he-ell!]”
Hats off to Mega Touch this year–their best season in their history. Cheers.
Dark Rainbows vs. Filthier
The Dark Rainbows are known for three things: free shoes, a guy that looks like Jaromir Jagr, and always having the potential to upset the hell out of a team. While I wore the first part yesterday, I also got to witness the legend of the two latter parts.
After the half, the Rainbows were up 1-0. A BTSH heckle wall had formed, about to potentially witness the 2015 BTSH Champions be unseated in the first round of playoffs. An upset this big hadn’t happened in awhile, except an hour prior when WTP beat The Fuzz in a forfeit due to continued full line changes on water breaks. But nobody cares about The Fuzz, or even if the “t” in “the” is capitalized. Is their name just “Fuzz” or “The Fuzz”? Either way, the Rainbows kept their pressure on the next 12 minutes, having many scoring opportunities, when league asshole and ugliest person alive, Dennis “Please Call Me Denny” scored the game tying goal. Then, moments later, the heckle wall started to cheer, as “Free Shoes” Bill broke loose and had a breakaway. Unfortunately, he didn’t score and the league leading face and chief philanthropist, Jeff Kamen, scored with 11 seconds to go on a screen of 3 players.
FIRST STAR
Longwell from Dark Rainbows
by Byron Clavicle
The BTSH sweet sixteen playoff day is traditionally a bloodbath, as the top seeds sharpen their proverbial skates on the bones of the lower-ranked. Those upper echelon teams are the ones you only cheer for if you’re on them– oh sure, they’re swell people with skills that are really super, but on the morning of game day you still hope someone’s cut the brake-line on their team bus. But, eh, they usually advance, in what we may as well just call Hockey Massacre Day. This particular one, October 2nd, is also the day Ivan the Terrible razed Kazan in 1552, and worse yet, Phil Kessel’s birthday.
So, this week was no different. One-by-one, the lower seeds fell. The LBS exorcised the reformed Denim Demons; What The Puck got stopped, frisked, and busted by Fuzz; the Gremlins OD’d on the Rehabs’ methadone; Cobra Kai got filleted and gutted by the Butchers; and Instant Karma was reincarnated as a small flightless bird by the Fresh Kills. The best thing that can be said for those teams winning is that, if any of them advance to the finals, the Heckle Wall will once again be the star of the day.
But a strange thing happened around 4 o’clock that gave hope to the afternoon’s disemboweled prey. The Dark Rainbows took an early 1-0 lead in their game against our league’s Filthiest, and held it against a barrage of wicked shots, frustrating the best team money could buy for the better part of an hour. The defense deserves plenty of credit, sure, and the Rainbows offense was valiant. But the action was mostly on their defensive side, and the true highlights were the goalie’s. He shrugged off cannonades from all directions, points, slot, wings, and probably even a few shots from the opposing goalie. Not your garden-variety limp lobs on net, either, but fully operational Death Star laser beams. The Rainbows held strong. It was one of the most stunning displays of goal-line determination this reporter has seen in 9 years of BTSH. Finally, with only a few minutes left, Filthier got a fluky-looking thing past him. Resignation filled the air. A few minutes later, eleven seconds before it would’ve gone to overtime, Filthier struck the knockout blow. At that moment, to quote John Walker, “the league’s collective heart broke.” And the day was done.
So the vanquished are home at last with their families, dreaming of what might have been on the digital ice of NHL 2K17, or maybe they’re still sucking on a bottle of Thunderbird in the the Tompkins Square restrooms. I don’t know. But I do know that no one among us would have traded places with Filthier for those first 45 minutes, pounding helplessly at the brick wall the Rainbows had minding their net.
His name is Kevin Longwell and he is this week’s first star.
Honorable Mentions:
An Ice Cold Can of Beer by Perras, not only good for celebrating victories or washing away defeat, it can also be used as an ice pack. So says Derho’s right eye.
Carlton from the Rehabs by Mia, Blonde Patrick Swayze cut open his knuckles during a fall against The Gremlins. But he continued to rage, scoring a sick goal as blood gushed down his hand and legs. It was a messy job bandaging him up—it took a lot of gauze to stop the bleeding and clean the wound (all those droplets on the ground came from him). Frankly, his DNA was all over my hands… I’m hoping some of his skills rubbed off on me.
Playoffs Week 2 Box Scores
October 2nd, 2016
| Sky Fighters |  |
3-0 |  |
Mathematics | Final |
| Sky Fighters: Michael Teytelbaum x 3 Mathematics: Goalie Win: Kevin Au (via Free Agent) |
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| Denim Demons |  |
1-2 |  |
LBS Inc. | Final |
| Denim Demons: Eric Slosberg LBS Inc.: Sam Anthony, Cherie Stewart Goalie Win: Tim Brown |
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| What The Puck |  |
0-5 |  |
Fuzz | Final |
| What The Puck: Fuzz: Anthony Sig, Miles Hilder x 3, Caitlin Graziano Goalie Win: Aaron Pagdon |
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| Instant Karma |  |
1-4 |  |
Fresh Kills | Final |
| Instant Karma: Cory Vernoia Fresh Kills: Matt Zimmerman, Sheena Wagaman, Tom Rush, Gabe Chenard-Poirier Goalie Win: Patrick Barch |
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| Gremlins |  |
0-3 |  |
Rehabs | Final |
| Gremlins: Rehabs: Carlton Ruth, Ramy Odeh, Robert Blandi Goalie Win: Eric Ramirez |
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| Gouging Anklebiters |  |
3-2 |  |
Mega Touch | Final(SO) |
| Gouging Anklebiters: Caroline Bickerton, Matthew Workman Mega Touch: Yuri Turetskiy x 2 Shootout: Winner by Alex Derhohannesian Goalie Win: Craig Lacombe |
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| Cobra Kai |  |
0-1 |  |
Butchers | Final |
| Cobra Kai: Butchers: Peter D’Angelo Goalie Win: Tim Burke |
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| Dark Rainbows |  |
1-2 |  |
Filthier | Final |
| Dark Rainbows: Josh Wilson Filthier: Denis Miciletto, Jeff Kamen Goalie Win: Tim Kayiatos |
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Playoffs Round of 16 Previews – Part 2
September 30th, 2016Remember when the season started off and Instant Karma was the at-that-moment-still-known-as-Showtime division darling? They had a 7-1 record, THE Peter Wilson and full control of the media. Where were Fresh Kills at this time? Pretty sure Gabe was getting married and Sheena was being formed in some awesome-female-hockey-player lab that I still have yet to locate. These are cute anecdotes and all, but this is the playoffs.
Soko and Fresh Kills don’t mess around for the playoffs. And Chadwick? Messing around is kind of his specialty. Which in some cases has worked to his advantage. How will Barch know where his shot is going of Ben doesn’t even know?
Statistically, Gabe plays better when wearing Karma blue. Just saying.
Karma’s Keys to the Game: Bill has his work cut out for him shutting down a very potent offense, make sure you watch for Ariel – don’t let those cuddly looks fool you. Maloney needs to stay sober and stand on his head.
Kills’ Keys to the Game: Speak Russian on the court and confuse Karma. I hope you’ve taught the rest of the team some of those key phrases like “Petitska.”
Prediction: If Karma can be more decisive on offense they’ll keep this one close, but in the end FK will be the team moving on 5-2 (-2.5 goals).
We have an exciting match-up this Sunday between the Ace Division Gouging Anklebiters and HiFi Division Mega Touch. This is anyone’s game people!
Mega Touchers (?) have impressed everyone with their strong play this year (especially Adriano “I score almost as much as Probert” Bratta) while the Biters have been credited with bringing that boozy spirit (and crabzzz) back to the league again. The last time these 2 teams met Mega Touch won 2-0, but were the Anklebiters at full strength? They could have just been hungover from a wild Saturday night or playing without star forward Ben “Scores A Lot” Probert. We’ll never know, because I don’t plan to fact check this article. That being said, Mega Touch is in uncharted territory this year, having earned the first round bye. This is all going to come down to which team has the most Hustle, Loyalty, & Respect (had to).
The team that dranks together wins together.
Until Sunday, so many questions remain…Will Sarah M and Caroline step up for the Biters to pull in a W (for women, you guys!)? Are Brady and Alok ready to go head-to-head with the likes of Phil and Worky? Will Craig actually keep his clothes on through the entire game? Did Mega Touch lose Julie somewhere between the Fujis and Honeycrisps last weekend? Are there any horse socks? Is anyone listening to me?
Now that’s team unity.
After a disappointing, sub .500 season, Cobra Kai limped into the postseason as the #15 seed and were staring directly at a daunting opening round matchup against the Corlears Hookers and their suspect goalie. However, against all odds, the Dojo survived an early 1-0 deficit and advanced to the Round of 16 with a solid 3-1 win. Liam Martens scored two in the contest, causing many to wonder where he’d been all season. Alas.
Cobra Kai will play the underdog role once again this week.
The Butchers, on the other hand, are the Elle Woods of the playoffs. Sure, they won their division with ease, more or less clinching it sometime in July. Yes, they trail only Fuzz in goals scored and have two of the league’s top scorers in James Kinney and Georgine “Mulva” Paulin. And yet, they still find themselves in law school with a ton of doubters, people thinking of ways to restructure the playoffs because they think the Butchers are seeded too high, a professor offering them internships for sex, and everything to prove.
Prediction: The Butchers have already beaten Cobra Kai twice this season: 5-3 back in April and 4-2 just two weeks ago. It’s no secret I’m big fan of the Fightin’ Rachels (even the one whose name I can’t pronounce), but the Butchers are the #3 seed for a reason…so as much as it pains me, I’m calling another 2 goal victory for the Butchers. (-1.5 goals)
Dark Rainbows vs. Filthier, WTP vs. Fuzz, Gremmies vs. Rehabs…these three matchups all seem like impossible matchups for the Kazin Conference (or it it some silly Harry Potter conference name?) teams. All three will require the following things for an upset.
Rainbows, regardless of the score, this dude hustles till the end. Put a body or two on him.
- Great goaltending. You are about to get outshot. By a lot. So Kevin will have to outplay Tim K. This is going to be really hard because Tim K. is the best regulation goalie we have in this league. But if it gets to OT, call me, and I can help you out.
- Competitiveness: While the Rainbows aren’t known for their winning take all mentality, Filthier is. And if the Rainbows want to truly pull off this upset, Roberts needs to get the team to buy in.
- Intelligence: Gotta play smart against Filthier. No team can run and gun with them. Denis backchecks! (And just checks in general)
