Playoffs Round of 16 Previews – Part 1
September 29th, 2016Sky Fighters at Mathematics
by Richiepoothang
It’s the playoffs so there will be no dopey preview mentioning how the Rainbows hold each other’s hand singing kumbaya after each goal against. Let’s talk hockey.
Sky at Math. What a matchup.
The game plan is simple: stop this guy.
It’s depth vs. star in this one. Mike T. had one of the best seasons in BTSH history, scoring more than half of his team’s goals with 24. Meanwhile, Math spreads out their goals a little more evenly. Half of Math’s 52 goals were scored by players currently on their team, like Elly, Justin and Derk. The other half were scored by players no longer on Math, like Cherie, Amber and Joey.
(PS. Cherie is the real female scoring leader, those goals happened and she deserves the title, but that’s none of my business.)
Prediction: Stein always steps up in big games and Mike T. is force that can’t be stopped. But Math’s secondary scoring will prove too much for Sky, as they win 3-2 in overtime. And unlike those rubes who always pick overtime or close games, I rarely do. It’ll be Bradley with the game winner. (-0.5 goals)
Denim Demons at LBS, Inc.
by Isaac
A round of 16 matchup featuring division rivals is always a personal favorite of mine. Because bad blood undeniably makes for a memorable encounter. As talented as these two teams are it does seem a bit unfair (and early) for one of them to be sent packing to next Sunday’s scrimmage line. But that is our current playoff format and the merciless nature of the playoffs.
This season the Demons have been a tale of two teams: one with riches at every position and the other desperately trying to scrap together a squad for Sunday. At the beginning of the season they got off to a hot start and it appeared that they would be contending for not only the Katz division title, but also the coveted overall top seed. But oh my how quickly life can change in BTSH. Their fast paced style of sharp passes, strategic spacing and sound cycling was quickly undone by injuries that eventually eroded all they had worked for. Despite their bad luck Rubens and J-Po were able to keep the Demons competitive by bringing up talent from their farm team in the Yeshiva League (Seffi!!!). (Okay, wait. This is starting to sound more like an end of season eulogy, so let’s move on…)
Ali and her LBS are feeling pretty good about their chances.
Out of these two teams, LBS, Inc. has been the more consistent and balanced one throughout the season. On their way to earning the top spot in the Mid-Season Power Rankings they swept the season series against the Demons for a combined goals differential of 6-1. Since then they’ve only become more lethal by adding an offensive force to their top line that keeps all opposing teams up the night before. But they have also developed cracks in their defense. Sam and that ‘dude that looks like Jim Morrison’ have been delivering a shaky performance in front of distinguished former commissioner Timmy Baby. If they don’t seal that up, then it is hello Upset City.
X-factor for Demons: the defensive prowess of JR. Regardless of which position she’s taking a shift at she can cause turnovers and find an open streaking teammate up the line.
X-factor for LBS: the speed and agility of Scott and Liz. They are usually the first ones to a loose ball and both know how to apply an ample amount of pressure.
Prediction: The Demons have the juice to pull off an upset, but the difference in this one will be who is in net. Timmy Baby and LBS, Inc. will move on to the next round 3-1. (-2.5 goals)
What The Puck at Fuzz
by Hornswoggle V to the R
Introduction
In a key playoff clash between Stoke City and Crystal Palace, it will be clear that the former will take on an attacking role, whereas the latter will be looking to “park the bus” the entire match.
Before I digress any further, my beloved Poo-squad lost to Crys—erm I mean, What the Puck (hereinafter “WTP”)—last Sunday and I am so disappointed in myself for not being there (even though we still would’ve lost anyway… haha). But Brian “Brian Sullivan Alert” Sullivan and a few Poutiners did kill it in trivia post-game, so I guess not all was lost.
Anyway. Never have the Orange Crush faced Fizz before, and if anyone has played at least a season of BTSH playoffs, he/she knows that its games are fraught with uncertainties, even with high-seeded teams. The Glanzer Dome has placed the final touches on its northern stand (read: the side where all the balls skitter under the fence, which has now been barricaded by extra wooden planks), and both teams can finally relish in perfect weather, free-flowing, don’t be a dick ball hockey.
When Eric H isn’t lighting the lamp in a shootout for WTP, he’s moving the ball for Crystal Palace.
The teams
First-seeded Fuzz/Fizz (14-2-1, +38) has galvanized their seat in BTSH history by achieving league greatness in their inaugural season. An impressive two losses during the regular season ties the Butchers, but the team’s ability to light the lamp was second to none (84 goals). A realistic expectation would be that Sunday’s faceoff would be no different than any other game, even if a “win or go home” mindset lingered in the minds of all of the Fuzz personnel.
What should Fuzz do to win? The guys and gals in the navy-volt swatches should play business as usual. Their run-and-gun style has enabled all its lines to exploit opponent defenses and create several scoring opportunities. Scoring early leads to scoring often. WTP’s male players take up space and are mobile, so smarter passing and moving without possession can and will further bewilder them. Creating confusion will exhaust WTP’s efficiency and desire to take the match.
It’s a different scenario for 19th-seed What the Puck (4-11-2, -19), the squad that’s continuing to build momentum and chemistry. Three of their four regular season victories came from teams that seeded between 13 and 20 (Gremlins, Dark Rainbows, Gut Rot), meaning that extra efforts and diligence on and off the court will be necessary to stave off Fuzz’s offensive output. Certainly, a pre-playoff poll demonstrated that very few hoped the mandarin-clad crew would advance, meaning that any burden of expectation is close to nonexistent. That said, WTP can proceed with positive and proactive views coming into the match.
Automatic advancement to the sweet sixteen if a WTP member plays in the orange version of this.
What should WTP do to win? Establishing roles early is crucial to part of the battle. Fuzz’s players are versatile, so figuring out who the pivotal players are, covering them, and sticking to plan will be beneficial. Keeping shape and consistency are the next steps. If a WTP player is out of position, communication is necessary so that a teammate can cover for him/her. Finally, everyone will have to contribute in making smart sequences so that those privy on scoring can put one (or more) past Fuzz’s goalie, whom I think may be the most exploitable in the squad. Moving to empty space, smart passing, short shifts, knowing roles: playing economical will have Fuzz scrambling to search for access points; also, timely chances to score can ensure WTP advancing to the round of 16.
Match result
It’s likely that Fizz can handily take this game. WTP will probably ride the high of last Sunday [of winning a scintillating game over Poutine] until Friday night into Saturday morning, when the alcohol subsides… and the once effervescent thoughts of playing fall Sunday hockey are overshadowed by having to face a Goliath-esque opponent. Winning against Fizz will be a tall order, but if Adidas says that “nothing is impossible”, then nothing will be impossible for What the Puck. However, Fizz seizes the day, much to the chagrin of Ben “The Washkenazi” Chadwick (for seeing a squad of lime greens move onto the next round), 4-1. (-3.5 goals)
What’s better than watermelon and BTSH playoffs? The Red Sox apparently.
But they will do none of that and lose 6-0. (-5.5 goals)
Proposal for 2017 BTSH Playoff Format
September 28th, 2016by Emeritus and Isaac
Well, with this year’s playoff format already decided and settled, can we get a show of hands from you, the greater BTSH Community, that finds it to be pretty stale? Like, eye rolling worthy as if they were wrestling centric previews from the past four or five years? Yeah, same here (Emeritus note – Let’s not hate on the wrestling centric previews, okay?). So here’s a modest proposal for next year’s playoff format…
The 2017 BTSH Playoffs will seed teams in a bracket with four five-team regions. The top seed in each region will be awarded to the regular season division winners, giving all teams an additional incentive to win the division. The fourth and fifth seeds in each region will be the teams that currently feed into the Opening Round in the current format (namely, the 13-20 seeds).
The second and third seeds in each region will be decided by ranking the remaining eight teams in descending order based on their final regular season points total (all ties broken using current tiebreakers). Using the final 2016 regular season standings for illustrative purposes only, the second and third seed pool is as follows:
- Rehabs
- LBS, Inc.
- Fresh Kills
- Mathematics
- Gouging Anklebiters
- Sky Fighters
- Instant Karma
- Denim Demons
From that pool, the team with the best point total (Rehabs) will be the second seed in the region whose top seed is the division winner with the lowest point total (Mega Touch). The team with the fourth best point total (Mathematics) will be assigned the second seed in the region with the top overall seed (Fuzz). And so forth for the other two second seeds.
In order to be fair and equitable, the third seed in each region will be paired as follows: the team with the lowest point total (Denim Demons) will follow the team with the best point total (Rehabs), 7th following 2nd, 6th following 3rd, and 5th following 4th (LBS, Inc. with Instant Karma, Fresh Kills with Sky Fighters, and Mathematics with Gouging Anklebiters, respectively).
The winners of each region will advance to the Frozen Four (or whatever name Sam comes up with) with the Northwest squaring off against Southeast and Southwest against Northeast. (Why East versus West? Because I’m a child of 90’s gangsta rap and the debate over which coast did (or still does) it better is worth checking out. (SPOILER ALERT: it’s the east coast, Cherie.))
Based on that format, here is how the regions would be constructed using this year’s data. And Here…We…Go!
Northwest Region (F*ck Your Couch)
The Fuzz will fit in nicely here.
- Fuzz
- Mathematics
- Gouging Anklebiters
- Gremlins
- Tompkins Square Riots
Northeast Region (Pickle-back)
Also helps to prevent cramps.
- Butchers
- Fresh Kills
- Sky Fighters
- Cobra Kai
- Corlears Hookers
Southeast Region (Dirty South)
Surprisingly, Filthy’s game is fresh and so clean-clean.
- Filthier
- LBS, Inc.
- Instant Karma
- Poutine Machine
- What The Puck
Southwest Region (Sour then Sweet)
Alex is mostly sour, but at least Julie is sweet.
- Mega Touch
- Rehabs
- Denim Demons
- Dark Rainbows
- Gut Rot
What does everyone think? Let us know on the league’s Facebook page.
Three Stars of the Playoff Debut
September 27th, 2016by Ophelia Baulls
There’s three of them. They’re wearing yellow. So sure, they count as Stars.
THIRD STAR
Gut Rot “We come last, or not at all”
Trying to describe Gut Rot is sometimes like trying to describe that guy you want to set your friend up with, who maybe isn’t a total smokeshow but is SO awesome it’s tough to describe exactly WHY. Here’s why this week:
1. They lost their goalie in the last month of the season and kept those cute smiles on their faces and welcomed Worky into the net
Hero.
2. Perko dropped his stick onto the subway tracks and this is what happened
3. Liza Watts because of this real-life chat over our company IM
darko: what was the score?
ldubs: uh…we lost?
ldubs: pretty sure we scored one goal
ldubs: and they scored more than one goal
darko: that sounds right
SECOND STAR
Erich from Gremlins “When I move, you move. Just like that.”
Arrogant chump.
The word on the street is that Erich was like the vinegar in your 6th grade volcano-science-project, making shit ERUPT (but less foamy?) every time he stepped onto the court. The Gremlins and Riots battled hard but Erich was leading a Macy’s day parade into the Riots defensive zone whenever he tapped in. Homeboy sunk two in the net, for a 4-1 victory over the Riots.
FIRST STAR
Tia from Dark Rainbows “Location, location, location”
Always putting herself and team in the best position.
Tia played in position like a bauss and nailed in two goals, securing a hearty victory for the Rainbows. Reportedly “well-stretched and highly caffeinated,” T-$ was in primetime goal scoring position and also breaking up Gut Rot’s offensive flow. Not only did she score twice, but she was picking up Rot passes like Perko picks up a stick: unexpected and slightly alarming.
Honorable mentions:
Liam of Cobra Kai for ensuring his team moved on to the next round by pumping two past the Hookers net minder. Of all the teams that won this past Sunday the evil dojo looked the most dangerous.
Walkie-Talkie and Mia for keeping the courts open late so us hockey junkies could hang out and scrimmage. Thanks for breaking it all down too.
True BTSH Commitment
September 26th, 2016by Perko from Gut Rot
With editor notes by Ophelia Baulls
As New Yorkers, we’ve been conditioned to do or not do numerous things we might encounter each day. Giving up your seat to a pregnant or older citizen (ed note: like Richie, or Richie), never speak to or look at a shrieking homeless person in front of McDonalds, never go to Times Square, always argue the fastest route to Ikea, and NEVER GO ON TO THE TRAIN TRACKS. All rules I gladly abide by with enthusiasm and routinely stress to out-of-towners; however, this past Sunday I willingly, for the sake of Gut Rot and the spirit of competition, broke one of those cardinal rules.
NEVER GO ON TO THE TRAIN TRACKS!
Standing at the very end of the L train at 14th St. Union Square, the most optimal position for de-training at 1st Ave., I was listening to music and generally getting myself hyped for a triumphant victory over Fart Rainbows. As any hockey player will surely understand, if you have a stick in your hands, you will spin it a few times just to make sure it is still working (?). Little did I realize when I woke up that morning, I would be tempting fate like I never have before (and that is saying a lot), because my beloved hockey stick of several years, tumbled from my hands, rocketed from the platform, and landed perfectly between the tracks.
That mug says it all.
My mouth agape, palms facing up like some taxi just cut me off in a crosswalk, I looked to my left and made eye contact with a man holding a laptop, wearing a drab safari hat and a pony tail any deadhead would envy, then right to a young blond women with a look just as flabbergasted as mine. After the initial shock and evaluation of my commitment to BTSH, I removed all possessions from my tailored track pants (ed note: appreciate pants-type specs), threw them on that fateful yellow threshold I would soon ignore.
I leapt down onto the tracks, quickly scooped up my stick like I had just dropped my dick (ed note: I have never dropped my vagina), and tossed it back onto the platform. I looked up to find my fellow commuters to find their faces drained of colour and in absolute disbelief, as I had done what you’re never supposed to do. With pure appreciation of their willingness to help me back up, I gruffly declined and summoned years of hockey board jumping wherewithal to boost myself back to safety. I quietly gathered my belongings and shoved them back into respective pockets, while I tried to hide my junkie-like withdrawal shakes, violent and completely involuntary. The adrenaline coursed through my veins, I could taste in my mouth, smell it in my nose, and feel exit my body with every deep exhale.
Man and stick happily reunited.
I had not planned on drinking that day, but within a 45 second window my whole outlook had changed from, “maybe I’ll do laundry after hockey” to “life is great and it’s a great day and I’m alive, so let’s celebrate.” I have dropped things on the tracks before (ed note: but not your dick), only to leave them with a few audible curses and pure inconvenience. Hockey is different, BTSH scheduling is strict, and a beloved hockey stick has memories of glory and defeat ingrained in every scrape and chip, for which I was not willing to sacrifice at the altar of the MTA. Sunday, I walked away with life, limbs, and stick, all intact and ready to drink.
Playoffs Week 1 Box Scores
September 26th, 2016
| Corlears Hookers |  |
1-3 |  |
Cobra Kai | Final |
| Corlears Hookers: Tiffany Hagge Cobra Kai: Will Green, Liam Martens x 2 Goalie Win: Nick Blair |
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| Gut Rot |  |
1-4 |  |
Dark Rainbows | Final |
| Gut Rot: Michael Gilligan Dark Rainbows: Josh Wilson, Mike Roberts, Tia Lendo x 2 Goalie Win: Kevin Longwell |
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| Gremlins |  |
4-1 |  |
Tompkins Square Riots | Final |
| Gremlins: Maire Lane, Erich Graham x 2, Iannis Tourlakis Tompkins Square Riots: David Frost Goalie Win: Jamie Batuwantudawe |
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| What The Puck |  |
2-1 |  |
Poutine Machine | Final(SO) |
| What The Puck: Noah Carter Poutine Machine: Brian Sullivan Shootout: Winner by Eric Higger Goalie Win: Peter Clarke |
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