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The playoffs are finally here, BTSH!  And these opening round matchups look like the perfect recipe to end up being beautifully nasty.  So, let’s. Get. BIZ-ZAY!!!

Corlears Hookers at Cobra Kai
by Rachel G

Lots of drama surrounding the Hookers goalie situation, which most of us don’t really care about. What we do care about – which version of the Hookers are showing up this week? The team that won a championship a few years back?  Or the one that got clobbered by Math…twice? Listen, I can talk about Danilo, Eitel, Tiffany, and that guy who looks like Eitel and is super into Zog…but will they show up? Consistency has definitely been an issue with that squad, which earned them a place in the bottom 8, but I can say with certainty…I don’t want to see them next round.

Same can be asked about the Dojo..which team will show up? Will it be Liam, Will and Pete dancing around us all? Or Jenks throwing a tantrum? When they are feeling it – this team can take on any team in BTSH. Most importantly they now have more Rachel-power than any other team in the league… I think that should get them past the first round as long as they don’t bring Altman back to offend womankind everywhere.

Let’s hope Cobra Kai wins so we can be done with this Cro-fueled sneaky goalie nonsense.

Prediction: Liam and #dojorachels are too savvy to allow just any FA goalie to hop in net for the Hookers and they’ll move on to the Round of 16 (-1.5 goals).

Gut Rot at Dark Rainbows
by Rachel G

What can we say about 2016 Gut Rot?  We all loved them. Gilligan, Tommy, Scotty K, Peaches…yeah, pretty sure they scored all their goals for the season. But if Heather didn’t dress up like a box of wine, what would this league be? Who can compete with Diane’s smile, even as she begs, pleads and harasses to get refs for us every week?

Gut Rot 2016

Rainbows, I’m sure you’ve got a number of goals in there. Even without league-loved seasoned agitator Aaron Friedman, I’m sure you’ll be just fine. Your mouthy new rookie can take care of that. Tia’s moment of flying under the radar might be done, I’m calling a goal for her this week, and Roberts and probably about three other people.

Love you, Gut Rot, but I’m calling this 5-1, DR.

Prediction: You just read it.  Dark Rainbows (-3.5 goals).

Gremlins at Tompkins Square Riots
by Rachel G

Jamie, JW needs you to be wearing that shirt AT the rink Sunday, not wherever the hell you are.

It’s been a rough season for the Gremmies, they flirted with being sent out of the Welcome to the Johnson’s division again, they also flirted with Cheeky in her courting period, just to lose to Mega. But they also won 3 out of their last 4 games. Now it’s the playoffs and that rough season is a whole different story. When this team decides to bring it, they can take down anyone. Maire, Erich, Rod, they can change a game in a moment. I hear JW stole some charity money to fly Jamie back from whatever corner of the globe he ran off to. Similarly, the Riots are not to be underestimated by their record or division. This is a gritty, determined squad who will fight and earn every goal. I’m not sure if you were on social media last week, but Showtime had his mouthful of Dave Gil de Rubio, and rightfully so…did you see that game?! He’s not the only one to look out for, Drew and Joe have moves that leave the league’s best defenders flat-footed. Although they haven’t scored any NWHL ringers, these ladies are some of the best out there – don’t underestimate the two-way play of Laura MacNeil, or Amy’s stalwart defense.

Close one, I’m guessing Gremmies by 1. Can’t hold Erich down in a close game.

Prediction: Gremlins survive this round to get demolished in next (+0.5 goals).

What The Puck at Poutine Machine
by Kid Kazin

Since this is a Round of 16 qualifying game, there will be a metal briefcase suspended high above the West court.  Inside of it, a contract that guarantees the winning team a playoff game on October 2 against a top 4 seed of the league’s choosing.  To earn that contract…wait, the wrestling-laden He-Views were last week?  Okay, fine, we’ll put on the journalism cap for this one…

Refs, you should be nervous if Jo-Ann is not helping you ref Poutine’s game.

The Fighting Poos could have earned a bye and avoided this playoff game with a win last Sunday, but a late Anklebiters goal sealed their position as the #14 seed.  And while a lot of the surface stats for this matchup with the league’s second-best orange clothed team clearly point in Poutine’s favor, the game should be close and competitive.  Sure, Poutine won eight games during the regular season to What The Puck’s four.  And yeah, their goal differential of +7 is way better than What The Puck’s -18.  Plus, they have Brian Sullivan.  What The Puck doesn’t have Brian Sullivan.

But let’s look past the surface a little.  Poutine’s regular season record was inflated by seven division wins, as they went 1-7-1 outside of their division.  Okay, so that one win was against What The Puck, but it was only by one goal.  And What The Puck played some of their better games this season against tougher competition, knocking off the Anklebiters, taking the Butchers to overtime, and losing to Fresh Kills by one.  We’re also expecting savvy veteran Corey to be present for What The Puck, and he always ups his game for the playoffs.

Prediction: Emily, Corey, Justin M., Jordan, and the rest of What The Puck fight valiantly, but can’t overcome the Fighting Poos sound defensive structure.  Charlotte, Kevin, Whitney, A.J., and Scott lead the charge to keep What The Puck at bay, and a timely goal from Brian Sullivan extinguishes any lingering hopes of an upset.  Poo Nation moves on to the Round of 16 with a hard-earned 3-1 win (-1.5 goals).