Week 18 Previews – Part 1
September 8th, 2016That’s it. I give up. I concede. The ladies of BTSH truly run this world. And here’s their (superior) version of the Week 18 Previews – Part 1.
by a fine looking collection of Anonymous Lovely Ladies
Gremlins at Cobra Kai
Gremlins superstar scorer, Maire L., returned from her vacation abroad and is hungry to regain the league lead. Maire nets a pair with assists from Allison B. and Caitlin E.. The Rachels (N., L. and I.) of Cobra Kai try the triangle rotation and manage to wrist a few shots on net. Cobra Kai keeps hunting for an opening and a surprise appearance by Dani R. in the second half allows them to re-strategize. But Dr. Cathy Cho holds it down for the Gremlins D and stops all of the Dojo’s Rachels from scoring.
Gremlins 2-0
The media misses Gunner and so does the BTSH community. Where you at Super Raspberry?
Butchers at Mega Touch
Get ready for this classic showdown between Rachel G. and Julie K.. Many Butcher ladies are feeling renewed after a visit to Martha’s Vineyard. Both Rachel and Drake H. are looking to make it three goals for this season and accomplish that in this game. Mega Touch has been ruling the HiFi division as Captain Julie competed hard during the recruitment season and finally signed Cheeky H. But, has anyone seen Gunner K.? Mega takes the cake this time with shots of Tito on the side.
Mega wins this close one – 3-2
Defensive force on the courts, pure reality gold off the courts. (keep reading after the fold)
Riots at Rainbows
Feeling fresh from the championship game in Ocean City, Cat B. gets the Rainbows on the scoreboard early. Despite the early goal, Captain Jones and the Riots keep the game tight as Jen A. moves ball up the sidelines and gets one in for the Riots right before halftime. Rainbows Captain Abby M. creates a solid regrouping plan during halftime and they don’t look back as they score 4 more before the last whistle.
Also, get well soon, Suz P.!
Rainbows 5-1
Anklebiters at Fuzz
It’s 5 o’clock somewhere and the ‘biters are enjoying bloody marys on the sideline courtesy of Diana M. to keep them going on the court. The drinks are in full force as Caroline B. tips in a goal to begin the game. Fuzz keeps the game tight the entire time with Alyssa M. and Alexa T. finding the back of the net quickly after the ‘biters each time. An appearance by Luisa M. sends this game into OT. With the BTSH heckle wall going strong now due to the mid-day game, Fuzz has a turnover to Amy D. and she puts it away.
Anklebiters 4-3 (OT)
Poutine’s spinach.
Poutine at Gut Rot
Following the spirit of the BTSH Olympics, Gut Rot challenges Poutine to a chugging contest at the start of the game, then quickly put themselves on the scoreboard as Morgan S. pots one while waiting for Poutine to finish the beer. However, Captain Jo-Ann P., quickly has Poutine rally by making Charlotte M. shotgun a tallboy before rifling one in from a sideline inbound. In the end Poutine gets it done, but GUT ROT BITCHEZZZZ.
Poutine 3-1
And here’s my adequate take on this week’s games…
Gremlins at Cobra Kai
My beloved Gremmies need to win their next two games in order to not repeat 2014 and move down to the Hi-Fi Division. Not that there is anything wrong with Hi-Fi (well, the Division at least), it is just that I enjoy playing against them twice a year. Hey, Mills, when’s that dude coming back that busted his foot in May? You guys could use a little more offensive production and any signs of life from Alex (maybe another bee will get him going).
The Evil Dojo has been on fire lately. Producing 13 goals in their last two games (yep, you read that correctly). And it wasn’t just from luck. With Liam switching to defense he’s been gobbling up all cross court passes in his zone.
Prediction: Not even Jamie will be able to keep a Rachel off the score sheet or CK out of the W column, 4-2.
Butchers at Mega Touch
We’re a little concerned for the Mega Touch down the stretch this season. With the NFL kicking off the 2016 season on Sunday (yes, we know there’s a Thursday night game, but who cares) Alok and Julie are more interested in their Fantasy Football teams than their BTSH one.
Do the Butchers like American football? Might as well, they won the Johnsons Division about a month ago and have been looking a hobby to keep them occupied until the playoffs begin.
Prediction: Butchers distract Mega on court with NFL storylines and win 7-1.
Tompkins Square Riots at Dark Rainbows
We’d like to take this opportunity to pour a little out for Suz-P. On Sunday, August 21st she was viciously attacked by a sub off of the Free Agent list which resulted in a trip to ER. Get well soon, baby. The Riots and BTSH already miss you.
If the Norri ever get around to producing a BTSH reality web series they need to cast Cat from the Rainbows. The side conversations with her at the BTSH Olympics were pure gold. And if you were to tell me she registered herself as a team at the Ocean City tournament and faced teams 1 on 5, I’d believe it.
Prediction: The Riots overcome the loss of a great teammate and narrowly escape their encounter with the Rainbows 2-1.
Gouging Anklebiters at Fuzz
Dear Biters,
Would you kindly shut the Fuzz up? No really, their Facebook participation has surpassed the threshold of Outrageously Obnoxious. From Wrestling references and memes to how many championships they’ve apparently already won (or are going to win – I’m confused), it has hit a tipping point. We will kindly pay Tuesday for a victory today.
Sincerely,
The Greater BTSH Community
Prediction: Still hung over from OC, the Biters fizzle against the Fuzz and fall 5-2.
Poutine Machine at Gut Rot
The (Drunk) Machine is locked in and focused on leapfrogging Mega Touch in their Division and taking home the title. After featuring not one, but TWO contestants in the Hot Legs Olympic event and following it up by tearing up / pounding out OC – they are absolutely just full of themselves. Supposedly they are just better, or so we’ve all heard.
Having said that, the 3 pm slot hasn’t been kind to Poutine this year and Gut Rot is a team that is due for another win before the season is over. Heather, Morgen and Perko are ready to silence that rowdy bunch and do some celebrating of their own.
Prediction: Jesus takes the wheel and steers Gut Rot to their second victory of the season, 5-4.
What Teams Are Playing For – Corlears Park Conference
September 7th, 2016by Eli and Isaac
There are only two weeks remaining in the 2016 regular season, but there is still so much to play for. Eli and I have analyzed the current standings, game results (box scores), remaining schedule and other neediness to determine what teams are playing for down the stretch of the season. Here’s part 2 on the Corlears Park Conference (part 1 on the Tompkins Square Park Conference can be found here).
CORLEARS PARK CONFERENCE
Welcome to The Johnsons Division
BUTCHERS (22 pts)
Current Standings: Division – 1st, League – 3rd
Remaining Division Games: 2 (What The Puck and Cobra Kai)
Remaining Games: 3 (What The Puck, Mega Touch and Cobra Kai)
Potential Wins: 2
What Are They Playing For: The #1 seed overall. They already clinched the division.
What They Need: To secure the #1 seed, they’ll need to win their three remaining games and have Fuzz and the Rehabs each lose once. Or they can win twice, have Fuzz and the Rehabs both lose out, and have Fresh Kills lose at least once.
Best Case Scenario: They win their remaining games, hubris trips up the Fuzz, the clock strikes midnight on the Rehabs, and Drake (got to love the Drake!) regains her early season scoring form.
Worst Case Scenario: They lose all three remaining games, defensive struggles get worse, Pete misplaces his confidence, and Jimmy ends up being a mid-season fluke.
COBRA KAI (16 pts)
Current Standings: Division – 2nd, League – 12th
Remaining Division Games: 2 (Gremlins and Butchers)
Remaining Games: 2 (see above)
Potential Wins: 1
What Are They Playing For: Playoff seeding.
What They Need: To finish second in the division and improve their playoff seeding they’ll need to win both games with Karma losing once or win once with Karma losing both their games.
Best Case Scenario: They win their remaining games, the Tompkins Square Park Conference teams struggle – vaulting them into top seven in the league standings – and Liam continues to be a nuisance to opposing offenses.
Worst Case Scenario: They lose both games, move down in the standings into one of the bottom 8 slots, and Liam and Rachel (the one with the hat — wait, more than one Rachel wears a hat — the one with the Money In the Bank lunchbox?) join Jess’s Fantasy Football league.
INSTANT KARMA (16 pts)
Current Standings: Division -3rd, League – 13th
Remaining Division Games: 1 (What The Puck)
Remaining Games: 2 (What The Puck and Mega Touch)
Potential Wins: 1
What Are They Playing For: Playoff seeding.
What They Need: The same as Cobra Kai, just switch up the teams. Two wins with a Cobra Kai loss, or one win with two Cobra Kai losses.
Best Case Scenario: They win their remaining games with Cobra Kai losing both of theirs, move up into the top 12 in the standings, and Chadwick regains last season’s scoring touch.
Worst Case Scenario: They lose both games as their scoring drought continues, move further down in the standings, Chadwick is Chadwick, and Nina and Hugh run away to McKeeland.
WHAT THE PUCK (10 pts)
Current Standings: Division – 4th, League – 17th
Remaining Division Games: 2 (Instant Karma and Gremlins)
Remaining Games: 3 (Butchers, Instant Karma, and Gremlins)
Potential Wins: 1
What Are They Playing For: To remain in the division and opening round seeding.
What They Need: To avoid relegation, a win of any kind against the Gremlins. That’s it. Lose to the Gremlins, though, and they’ll need to win their other two games, or win one while the Gremlins lose to Cobra Kai.
Best Case Scenario: They beat the Gremlins, stay in the division, Mike Dudolevitch wins a faceoff, and the East Court is kinder to them than it has been.
Worst Case Scenario: They lose to the Gremlins, move down a division, Camden becomes another team’s mascot, and they have to face the Hookers in the play-in game.
GREMLINS (9 pts)
Current Standings: Division – 5th, League – 18th
Remaining Division Games: 2 (Cobra Kai and What The Puck)
Remaining Games: 2 (see above)
Potential Wins: 1
What Are They Playing For: To remain in their division and opening round seeding.
What They Need: To avoid relegation, a regulation win against What The Puck is necessary. They’ll also need a win against Cobra Kai and another What The Puck loss or for What The Puck to lose out.
Best Case Scenario: They win out and What The Puck loses an additional game, remain in the division, face a fellow conference member in the opening round, and Ryan and Marie return from Iceland without any rust.
Worst Case Scenario: They lose to What The Puck, move down a division, the dude with the busted foot is unable to return, and they continue to play Walker on defense.
Hi-Fi Division
MEGA TOUCH (18 pts)
Current Standings: Division – 1st, League – 8th
Remaining Division Games: None
Remaining Games: 2 (Butchers and Instant Karma)
Potential Wins: 1
What Are They Playing For: The division title and playoff seeding.
What They Need: To win the division, one win or one Poutine Machine loss.
Best Case Scenario: They win once to clinch the division title and Julie celebrates with a candy-fueled bender of epic proportions, improve their playoff seeding, Cheeky is for real, and Tuckman continues to play brilliantly in net.
Worst Case Scenario: Success is uncharted territory for Mega Touch and there’s no telling how they’ll handle it. However, the worst is familiar to them so we’ll see them again next season in the Hi-Fi Division.
POUTINE MACHINE (15 pts)
Current Standings: Division – 2nd, League – 14th
Remaining Division Games: 1 (Gut Rot)
Remaining Games: 2 (Gut Rot and Gouging Anklebiters)
Potential Wins: 1
What Are They Playing For: The division title and playoff seeding.
What They Need: To win the division, two wins and two Mega Touch losses (at least one in regulation). Or a win, an overtime loss, and two Mega Touch losses in regulation. In other words, we’re pretty sure they hold the head-to-head tiebreaker with Mega Touch.
Best Case Scenario: They win both games and the division title due to Mega unable to handle success, move up into the top 12 in the standings, and get some needed secondary scoring to compliment Mike and Hornswoggle.
Worst Case Scenario: They lose both games, move down in the division and standings, end up facing the Gremlins and angry Jamie in the opening round game, league sweetheart Christina is wooed by another team, and Stevie doesn’t believe in long distance relationships.
DARK RAINBOWS (14 pts)
Current Standings: Division – 3rd, League – 15th
Remaining Division Games: 1 (Riots)
Remaining Games: 2 (Riots and Hookers)
Potential Wins: 1
What Are They Playing For: Playoff seeding.
What They Need: In order to avoid the opening round, win both games and get a fair bit of help. All those points from overtime/shootout losses is going to hurt them if there is a tiebreak that comes down to wins.
Best Case Scenario: They win both games, move up into the top 12 with a lot of losses from teams just above them in the standings, and rediscover their roots with strong defensive play.
Worst Case Scenario: They lose their remaining games, get a bad draw in the opening round, Aaron is lost forever, and Longwell injuries himself by doing something dumb.
TOMPKINS SQUARE RIOTS (13 pts)
Current Standings: Division – 4th, League – 16th
Remaining Division Games: 1 (Dark Rainbows)
Remaining Games: 2 (Dark Rainbows and Rehabs)
Potential Wins: 1
What Are They Playing For: Playoff seeding.
What They Need: In order to avoid the opening round, with both games and get a lot of help. They’re in the same situation as Homer Simpson trying to get into the championship softball game on Mr. Burns’ team of major league ringers. Long odds, but it can be done.
Best Case Scenario: They win their remaining games, squeak into the #12 seed, and the budding broship of Joe and Drew translates into success on the courts.
Worst Case Scenario: They’re in the opening round and well, the loss of Suz has already been hard enough on them.
GUT ROT (BITCHES!) (2 pts)
Current Standings: Division – 5th, League 20th
Remaining Division Games: 1 (Poutine Machine)
Remaining Games: 2 (Poutine Machine and Sky Fighters)
Potential Wins: 1
What Are They Playing For: Bradley of the Rehabs. Yep, you read that right. Part of the Ramirez sign-and-trade deal with the Rehabs promised Bradley as consolation if Gut Rot finished last and the Rehabs won the PBR Cup. Stay tuned.
What They Need: At this point, nothing. We like them just how they are. Competitive and fun on the court and No. 1 in the Party Power Rankings off the court.
Best Case Scenario: Small tweaks on defense and smarter passing carries them to the semifinals, shocking BTSH.
Worst Case Scenario: Welch doesn’t make good on his promise, they lose their off court mojo, find a higher power, and rebrand themselves under the name The Straight Edge Society in 2017.
What Teams Are Playing For – Tompkins Square Park Conference
September 6th, 2016by Eli and Isaac
There are only two weeks remaining in the 2016 regular season, but there is still so much to play for. Eli and I have analyzed the current standings, game results (box scores) and remaining schedule to determine what teams are playing for down the stretch of the season. Here’s part 1 on the Tompkins Square Park Conference (part 2 on the Corlears Park Conference will post tomorrow).
TOMPKINS SQUARE PARK CONFERENCE
East Village Tavern Division
FRESH KILLS (21 pts)
Current Standings: Division -1st, League – 4th
Remaining Division Games: 2 (LBS, Inc. and Filthier)
Remaining Games: 2 (see above)
Potential Wins: 1.5
What Are They Playing For: The division title and the #2 seed overall. Okay, there’s a 0.001% chance they can snag the #1 seed, but that would require a four-way tie for first between them, Fuzz, the Rehabs, and Butchers, and some convoluted tie-breakers going their way.
What They Need: To win the division, a win again LBS, Inc. and taking Filthier to overtime, or a win against Filthier and taking LBS, Inc. to overtime. They could probably back into the title with just one win or even two OT losses, but where’s the fun in that?
Best Case Scenario: They win their last two games and clinch the division title, while the Rehabs and Butchers each lose two games, earning FK the #2 seed.
Worst Case Scenario: They lose their last two games, while the Demons and Sky Fighters win out and LBS, Inc. beats Math, putting them in a tie for last.
FILTHIER (19 pts)
Current Standings: Division – 2nd, League – 5th
Remaining Division Games: 2 (Denim Demons and Fresh Kills)
Remaining Games: 2 (see above)
Potential Wins: 1
What Are They Playing For: The division title and playoff seeding.
What They Need: To win the division, they’ll need to win out and have LBS, Inc. beat Fresh Kills.
Best Case Scenario: They win their last two games to clinch the division title and finish third overall in the league as the Butchers losing their remaining games.
Worst Case Scenario: Toronto (the city, not the Maple Leafs) claims Denis before the season ends, Jess discovers fantasy football, Tim somehow gives up another goal to Richie, and Filthy moves down a division.
LBS, Inc. (19 pts)
Current Standings: Division – 3rd, League – 6th
Remaining Division Games: 1 (Fresh Kills)
Remaining Games: 2 (FK and Mathematics)
Potential Wins: 1
What’s Are They Playing For: The division title and playoff seeding.
What They Need: To win the division, they’ll need to win out (preferably in regulation against Fresh Kills) and for Filthier to lose out.
Best Case Scenario: They win their last two games to clinch the division title and finish 3rd overall in the league as the Butchers losing their remaining games.
Worst Case Scenario: They lose their last two games, tumble down in the league standings, miss out on a playoff bye and Timmy Baby returns to Poutine.
SKY FIGHTERS (17 pts)
Current Standings: Division – 4th, League – 9th
Remaining Division Games: None
Remaining Games: 2 (Corlears Hookers and Gut Rot)
Potential Wins: 2
What Are They Playing For: To remain in their division and playoff seeding.
What They Need: In order not to move down a division they’ll need to win out and the have the Demons lose one, or win one game and have the Demons lose two, or have the Demons lose out.
Best Case Scenario: They win their last two games and the Demons lose one. Dan Hopper’s Ocean City appearance is enough to gain himself playoff eligibility.
Worst Case Scenario: They lose both games and drop a division as the Demons win at least one. Those brothers retire from BTSH because it isn’t hard core enough for them.
DENIM DEMONS (16 pts)
Current Standings: Division – 5th, League – 11th
Remaining Division Games: 1 (Filthier)
Remaining Games: 3 (Filthier, Fuzz and Gouging Anklebiters)
Potential Wins: 1
What Are They Playing For: To remain in their division, playoff seeding and (believe it or not) the division title.
What They Need: To win the division, they’ll need to win out, have Fresh Kills lose out, and have Math beat LBS, Inc. To avoid relegation, they’ll need to win out, win two and have the Sky Fighters lose one, or win one and have the Sky Fighters lose out.
Best Case Scenario: They win the division title, improve in the playoff seeding and Seffi and their Man-Child goalie stick around for the playoffs.
Worst Case Scenario: Seffi and Man-Child are off the college, they lose all of their remaining games, Rubens’ injuries are worse than he initially let on and end up playing the Butchers twice next year.
Ace Division
FUZZ (25 pts)
Current Standings: Division – 1st, League – 1st
Remaining Division Games: 1 (Gouging Anklebiters)
Remaining Games: 2 (Biters and Demons)
Potential Wins: 1
What Are They Playing For: The division title and the #1 seed overall.
What They Need: To win the division they’ll need to win out, win one game while the Rehabs lose one, or have the Rehabs lose out. For top seeding in the playoffs they need to win out, or win one game with both the Rehabs and Butchers losing one game.
Best Case Scenario: They keep on rolling offensively, win the division and finish tops in the league.
Worst Case Scenario: The best case scenario happens, but all that gets them is a round of 16 matchup with a fully stocked Corlears Hookers squad.
REHABS (24 pts)
Current Standings: Division – 2nd, League – 2nd
Remaining Division Games: 1 (Mathematics)
Remaining Games: 2 (Math and Tompkins Square Riots)
Potential Wins: 1
What Are They Playing For: The division title and the #1 seed overall.
What They Need: To win the division, they’ll need to win out and have Fuzz lose once, or win once while Fuzz loses out. To win the top seed, they’ll need to win the division, and have the Butchers lose once, or if they lose once then the Butchers have to lose twice.
Best Case Scenario: They take care of business by winning both games along with the division title and the #1 seed, and Ryann returns.
Worst Case Scenario: They can’t score or defend, lose both games, finish 4th overall in the league and Ryann defects to Instant Karma…again.
MATHEMATICS (18 pts)
Current Standings: Division – 3rd, League – 7th
Remaining Division Games: 1 (Rehabs)
Remaining Games: 2 (Rehabs and LBS)
Potential Wins: 0
What Are They Playing For: Playoff seeding.
What They Need: Two wins to definitely avoid the opening round or one win to likely avoid the opening round.
Best Case Scenario: Finish 4th overall in the league by winning out, having Fresh Kills lose out in regulation, and a few other breaks go their way.
Worst Case Scenario: Losing both games, tumbling down in the standings, missing out on a playoff bye and the Mets miss the playoffs.
GOUGING ANKLEBITERS (17 pts)
Current Standings: Division – 4th, League – 10th
Remaining Division Games: 1 (Fuzz)
Remaining Games: 3 (Fuzz, Poutine Machine and Demons)
Potential Wins: 1
What Are They Playing For: Playoff seeding.
What They Need: Pretty much the same as Math. They can’t win the division or be relegated, so it’s all about seeding.
Best Case Scenario: Finish 3rd overall in the league by winning out, having Fresh Kills and the Butchers both lose out, and a couple of other breaks go their way.
Worst Case Scenario: Somebody, not saying who, could ‘walk’ away with Craig’s goalie mask again throwing him all outta sorts and the Biters into an opening round game.
CORLEARS HOOKERS (8 pts)
Current Standings: Division – 5th, League – 19th
Remaining Division Games: None
Remaining Games: 2 (Sky Fighters and Dark Rainbows)
Potential Wins: 1
What Are They Playing For: Pride. We guess.
What They Need: They’re moving down no matter what..but to which division is still unclear.
Best Case Scenario: Lock-up Newman as their No. 1 goalie, win their remaining games, make sure Eitel, Sarah, and Danilo know when the playoffs begin, and give Fuzz a scare in the round of 16.
Worst Case Scenario: Well, at this point they can’t get worse than 19th, but they could lock-up Newman, aka ‘Mr. Open Five Hole,’ as their No. 1 goalie.
Ocean City 2016 – 10 Things I Learned
September 4th, 201610 Things I Learned At Ocean City: 2016 Edition
by Dave Gil de Rubio
Back in OC for the tournament that involved an un-air conditioned ride in Mike D’s rock van that gave new meaning to the term Cambodia hot when we were stuck crawling through lower Manhattan’s China Town for two hours. So here’s the knowledge dropped on me during my second tourney:
- Somehow, singing the Backstreet Boys on the party bus back from Seacrets (as done by Basic Beaches teammate Joe Fiore) will result in a massive sing-a-long. Apparently, the higher the consumption of alcohol is commiserate with your ability to tolerate crap music.
- Twin Dekes discovered their kryptonite by not having a boom box blare soft rock classics as part of their in-game strategy.
- In some bizarre, parallel universe, Matthew Newman has become the kind of rallying cry that found players from rival teams rallying around him in his absence, chanting his name in a strange hotel room and starting an impromptu fund to ship him down to Maryland that weekend. (Turns out he couldn’t make it.) It ALMOST made up for Craig LaCombe not being there to steal the Cup and streak around in his jock strap.
Captain Crobvious
- You haven’t lived until you have a visibly intoxicated Brian Cronaeur visit your table at the Crab Shack looking like Captain Obvious from the Hotels.com commercial and sounding like Stiffler from the American Pie film franchise and proceed to regale you with his porn star exploits. And then get offered the grand total of .79 cents to go away and share the wealth somewhere else.
- Whitney Houston once sang that the children are the future. For my money, Ben Probert is the future of BTSH.
- When partying on the beach, there’s no question that Tiki torches were a major game-changer. Glo sticks will only get you so far. Major kudos to tournament organizer Matt Workman for making that happen. Rumor has it that glow-in-the-dark corn hole may be on the docket for next year.
- Speaking of corn-hole, it was a nice sideline to all the pounding of booze and playing of hockey that went on. And you shouldn’t judge if someone decides to use it as a verb (ie. “When are we going corn-holing?”)
Know who you’re f*cking with.
- Jen Popack will cut a bitch.
- Dan Hopper is so competitive that he traveled three time zones to make sure his Shortis repeated as OC champs.
Back-to-back OC champs.
- Speaking of people traveling long ways to hit the OC scene, tournaments are always better when Nicholas Barretta comes down from Toronto to join in the fun. Seriously. Now if we can only get Showtime to come down next year.
Bonus fact:
Two in one calendar year?
I offer a league-wide apology for allowing Rich Glanzer to score an epic goal that found him falling while putting the biscuit in the basket. It was a play worthy of Sports Center. The aftermath can be seen in a pic featuring him, me and Tim Kayiatos (the only other netminder to give up a goal to Richie Hero during league play). The look of abject sadness on my face is in knowing that a little bit of BTSH’s soul died that day.
BTSH Olympics Recap
August 30th, 2016The Olympic committee has finally sobered up enough from the delightful mayhem that was the BTSH Olympics to recap the night. Here’s what we remember… (the majority of it is still a little hazy)
F*CK PHELPS, BILES & RIO
Stars Shine at BTSH Olympics
by Mike Rotchburns
What do you get when mix binge drinking and food consumption, Norris-on-Norris crime, a ‘suck-off,’ full frontal male nudity, Glanzer versus Showtime?
No, not the makings for White Men Can’t Hump, but rather the fifth BTSH Olympiad, returning to action after a six-year hiatus at the Parkside Lounge.
A packed back room at Parkside witnessed and participated in eight events with Ben and Joe P of the Anklebiters each hauling in a pair of gold medals. Yet there are gold medals and then there are gold medals. And no gold medal shines as brightly as the one Joe P claimed in the showcase event of the evening, the Hot Legs Competition, by strutting down the catwalk in a gold speedo. In celebration, he got the ceremonial cupcake in his ass from former champion, Rosie.
“Joe wanted a live gerbil, but the pet store had already closed,” said Rosie. “Then he asked for a fist, but I gotta be in a relationship before I do that in public – just ask Ali.”
The night heated up early with Brian Cro of the Hookers lighting the ceremonial Olympic flame on stage, then went straight into Arm Wrestling competition where Showtime took the men’s title and Cherie took home the ladies’ division. On his way to the championship, Showtime defeated Glanzer in rematch of the Rehabs-Fuzz game earlier in the day.
Arm Wrestling Champ
“It was just like today’s game,” said onlooker Emily from WTP. “Without all the douchebaggery, yelling and psychotic intensity…oh, and Showtime actually won this time!”
For some purist, the most prestigious event at the BTSH Olympics is the PBR Tecate Chugging Competition (three people per team, three beers each), won in dominating fashion by an Anklebiter squad of Caroline, Worky and Ben. Other champions include a mixed Fuzz/LBS team (Flip Cup), Justin from WTP (Phallic Fluffer Eating Contest), the Anklebiters (Beer Pong) and Diana from the ‘Biters (Bar Napkin Love Poem).
We play fast and loose
In Navy and Gold
Our balls run deep
And our shafts are bold
Rich might bitch
He hate us cause he ain’t us
But we always bring it home
Like a cupcake to the anus
“Any day I can get an anal flower into my prose is a good day,” said Diana.
The Olympics also featured one brand new event, the 2 Girls, 1 Cup Competition where pairs of ladies downed 24-ounce beer through straws. An initial round of drinking brought a tie between Gut Rot and What The Puck/Poutine which resulted in an unexpected, sudden death ‘Suck-Off’ won by Heather and Morgen of Gut Rot.
“I haven’t sucked like that since junior high,” said Heather.
And what night would not be complete without Craig’s penis subtly being placed on the beer pong table? This one.
This is the Phallic Fluffer Competition – not Craig.
In honor of the Late, Great SB, Here Are Some Kudos/Gas Face Awards for the Olympics
Kudos:
- Hippie. He came out of BTSH retirement for Gut Rot and was runner up in both the Hot Legs and the Bar Napkin Love Poem contest. Bravo!
- Liz for bailing into the tables while trying to execute a cartwheel during Hot Legs. Amazing courage, hilarious result.
- Ben and Joe P from the ‘Biters. The Phelps and Biles of the BTSH Olympics…and with that outfit, Joe is definitely the Biles.
- Justin of WTP for his Coney Island horse track carnival game narration for the Flip Cup tournament.
- An amazing planning team of 15 people across a whole bunch of BTSH teams who made it all happen. The Olympics came back in style – kudos!
Gas Face Awards:
- Gut Rot for cheating in the Tecate Chug by drinking at the same time and then trying to hide two of their beers.
- Brian Cro for getting too drunk and having to get Ubered home while he was supposed to be the recipient of the Charity Pour and Slop Event.
Events & Winners:
- Hot Legs – Joe P – Anklebiters
- Flip Cup – Fuzz/LBS (Glanzer, Hicks and Liz)
- Tecate Chug – Anklebiters (Caroline, Worky and Ben)
- Phallic Fluffer Eating Contest – Justin – WTP
- Beer Pong – Anklebiters (Joe and Ben)
- 2 Girls, 1 Cup – Gut Rot (Heather and Morgen)
- Arm Wrestling (women) – Cherie – LBS
- Arm Wrestling (men) – Showtime –
Rehabs– Retired - Bar Napkin Love Poem – Diana – Anklebiters
Some of the Olympians created their own events.
