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10 Things I Learned At Ocean City: 2016 Edition
by Dave Gil de Rubio

Back in OC for the tournament that involved an un-air conditioned ride in Mike D’s rock van that gave new meaning to the term Cambodia hot when we were stuck crawling through lower Manhattan’s China Town for two hours. So here’s the knowledge dropped on me during my second tourney:

1. Somehow, singing the Backstreet Boys on the party bus back from Seacrets (as done by Basic Beaches teammate Joe Fiore) will result in a massive sing-a-long. Apparently, the higher the consumption of alcohol is commiserate with your ability to tolerate crap music.
2. Twin Dekes discovered their kryptonite by not having a boom box blare soft rock classics as part of their in-game strategy.
3. In some bizarre, parallel universe, Matthew Newman has become the kind of rallying cry that found players from rival teams rallying around him in his absence, chanting his name in a strange hotel room and starting an impromptu fund to ship him down to Maryland that weekend. (Turns out he couldn’t make it.) It ALMOST made up for Craig LaCombe not being there to steal the Cup and streak around in his jock strap.
   

   Captain Crobvious

4. You haven’t lived until you have a visibly intoxicated Brian Cronaeur visit your table at the Crab Shack looking like Captain Obvious from the Hotels.com commercial and sounding like Stiffler from the American Pie film franchise and proceed to regale you with his porn star exploits. And then get offered the grand total of .79 cents to go away and share the wealth somewhere else.
5. Whitney Houston once sang that the children are the future. For my money, Ben Probert is the future of BTSH.
6. When partying on the beach, there’s no question that Tiki torches were a major game-changer. Glo sticks will only get you so far. Major kudos to tournament organizer Matt Workman for making that happen. Rumor has it that glow-in-the-dark corn hole may be on the docket for next year.
7. Speaking of corn-hole, it was a nice sideline to all the pounding of booze and playing of hockey that went on. And you shouldn’t judge if someone decides to use it as a verb (ie. “When are we going corn-holing?”)
   

   Know who you’re f*cking with.

8. Jen Popack will cut a bitch.
9. Dan Hopper is so competitive that he traveled three time zones to make sure his Shortis repeated as OC champs.
   

   Back-to-back OC champs.

10. Speaking of people traveling long ways to hit the OC scene, tournaments are always better when Nicholas Barretta comes down from Toronto to join in the fun. Seriously. Now if we can only get Showtime to come down next year.

Bonus fact:

Two in one calendar year?

I offer a league-wide apology for allowing Rich Glanzer to score an epic goal that found him falling while putting the biscuit in the basket. It was a play worthy of Sports Center. The aftermath can be seen in a pic featuring him, me and Tim Kayiatos (the only other netminder to give up a goal to Richie Hero during league play). The look of abject sadness on my face is in knowing that a little bit of BTSH’s soul died that day.

Twin Dekes by Rachel K

Can the Twin Dekes come back from last year’s heartbreaking loss in the ‘ships to win it all this year?  If they can their shit together long enough, probably.

Post-Seacrets Twin Dekes

Hockey Beach virgin Cro has joined the team – expect to see him outside of the bar trying to talk his way in without an ID or with a Bud Light tall boy in his hand wandering the beach. He went down to OC on Monday with Nic & (Brian Sullivan Alert) Brian Sullivan from Poutine, so there’s a 50% chance he doesn’t make it to the weekend. Stay tuned! Rounding out the team we have WTPers Justin and Mike Dude, Coach from Fuzz, the BROsens, and fellow Rainbow Mike Roberts (currently playing through a broken dick). Also, non-BTSH mystery men Will and Russell were late additions…they don’t even go here! Unlike Rich Glanzer, Twin Dekes has no problem getting women and has a strong female contingent with Liz Alden, Jenn Popack, Susie Lai, Emily Moore, and yours truly. Even though Cecil Harambe was determined to collect all of the Hockey Beach Rachels (and managed to steal Rachel Longley), I stuck it out because I love dicks. I mean DEKES, dekes. If you hear yacht rock bumping and catch the scent of stale beer, house party, and bad decisions, congratulations you’ve found our bench. Resident rockstar Mike ‘The Dude’ and his band The Nuclears are playing Peppers Tavern on Friday (9pm, you guys!) to kick off the weekend, so things should escalate quickly. I could talk about hockey, but everyone knows that Saturday night at Seacrets is where the real heroes are made. Expect Twin Dekes out in full force guzzling booze and getting weird on the dance floor. I’ll only remember about 80% of what happens at Seacrets, which is definitely for the best. Emily & Mike, who literally found love in a hopeless place last year at OC (in Seacrets), will be celebrating their 1 year anniversary, and what better place than where they had their first date met dirty grinding. Will we witness the start of another BTSH power couple this weekend? The answer is most likely no, we’ll just see a lot of sweaty dancing, dance floor make outs (DFMO), and someone throwing up on themselves, but hey…you never know!

Drunk Machine by Drunk Machine

The first draft ended up just being the lyrics of Big Sean’s hit “I Don’t Give A F*ck”

We are just better than you.

You don’t know who’s on our team?  We are Poutine.  We will be drunk.  We will destroy you physically, mentally and alcoholically.

You can’t hang with us.

Who are you?

Charlotte will squat Rich…  Because he is small and weak.

Come at us Bro.

Sea Section by Drew Peacock

Born from blood and scalpels, the Sea Sections arrive at Ocean City with only one thing on their minds: getting drunk on the beach.  Sure there’s hockey, Seacrets, and the water park, but to this crew of mostly Anklebiters with an accent of Gut Rot and a Rehabs goaltender, the mission is clear.

“I just wanna make sure I wake up still an anal virgin,” said captain Probie of the Anklebiters. “Or at least someone bought me a few drinks first.”

The least you could do is buy him a couple drinks first.

Proud owners of a collective six gold medals at the BTSH Olympics, this squad boasts some high profile professional drinkers who are glad to have a noon (latest slot) start time on their first game – courtesy of tournament organizer and team member Worky McParty.

“I plan to be face down in a pool of my own urine until 11:53,” said McParty. “Hey, decision is in your hands, what would you do?”

Still, the Sea Sections are ready for the sport courts and vow to demonstrate discipline in preparation for their tournament run.

“We may have a few crab bloodies before we play,” said Caroline of the Anklebiters.  “But we now have a strict no pre-game blow policy this year.”

Basic Beaches by Amy A

Lifetime Movie Network presents: You Can’t Keep a Strong Woman Down: The Basic Beaches Story

When high-powered CEO Suz Pasquantonio ends up in the hospital with a broken foot after a black SUV with tinted windows runs her down just a week before Ocean City, hardened detective Amy Jones and her sassy partner Laura McNeil will stop at nothing to take down the person, or persons, responsible. That SUV was gunning for Suz. Accident? Ha. That was no accident. 

Theories? Oh, Jones and MacNeil have theories alright. Of course, the easy answer is that the hit came from someone on Rich Glanzer’s team, as a protest against the fact that the Beaches have taken all the women. All the women! (Except Suz’s sister Vicky. Hmmm… some sort of jealous sister revenge plot? Was Suz always the perfect one? Was it unbearable to try and compete with her for mom and dad’s attention? To live in her shadow all these years??) But Jones and MacNeil are skeptical. That all sounds a little too easy, and god knows we couldn’t go past two commercial breaks with that plot.

But what about some of the supporting characters in Suz’s beach hockey weekend plans? Could the culprit be Suz’s new assistant, Vanck? He seems too good to be true. And where did he come from, anyway? We tried calling his last company for references, but nobody there had ever heard of him. Or what about company marketing director, Alok? He’s been at the company just as long as Suz. There’s no reason she should have been promoted before him! How about Suz’s slightly overzealous new friend, Rachel? A flashback showed that she spent years in an asylum upstate after losing to Suz in the Camp Narragansett Talent Show in 1988, and we’re pretty sure she just bought the exact same shinguards as Suz. Friendly neighbor Sebastien is always willing to collect Suz’s newspaper when she’s away, but he also has a creepy room in the basement that is covered with surveillance photos of her and newspaper clippings (they are mostly coupons). Joe Fiore (screen name WillCharmU) hasn’t even met Suz in person, but felt a real connection with her during their online chat sessions – until she blew him off for what was supposed to be their first date. He has stopped going to work so he can cyberstalk, and regular stalk, her 24/7. Lorenz — well, we don’t know much about him, but he has a Swiss accent that could be considered sinister, if you say to him, “Lorenz, say something, but say it with a sinister accent!” And how is it that longtime drinking buddy Amy A ended up on the Beaches’ roster just moments after Suz emerged from the hospital, all hopped up on Percocet and whatever Joe P gave her to drink on the sidelines just after she was carried off the court? And, speaking of longtime drinking buddies, will Heather wear  Ocean City short-shorts during all the games?

Jones and MacNeil aren’t alone in their quest for answers. While they do official police work, they’ll turn to computer whiz Fallon to hack passwords, run checks on credit cards and trace phone calls. They’ll also get advice from Lieutenant Dave, though he’ll mostly say stuff like, “Bad guys. They just keep doing bad stuff. And it’s our job to stop ’em.” Other Basic Beaches will be doing some of their own investigating. Michael, owner of Suz’s favorite coffee shop, is sure he remembers seeing a dark SUV with tinted windows hanging around outside last week, two or three times. Instead of giving this information to the cops, he’ll follow it out to the woods in his own car the next time it shows up. (Sorry Mike, there’s no cell service out there, and this character always dies.) BFF Stephanie is suspicious of everyone mentioned in the paragraph above, everyone in the tournament, and everyone. She starts asking questions. (Sorry Stephanie, this character always dies, too.) Savvy Sheena will be sure to arm herself with a crowbar and a hockey stick and a cell phone with many bars and she’ll learn karate before she goes into Suz’s model home to investigate that newly-broken window. 

Will Jones and MacNeil solve the mystery before the entire Basic Beaches roster is on crutches? Will Heather wear Ocean City short-shorts during all the games?? Is there really a book called The Day My Butt Went Pscyho??? Find out this weekend, beaches!

You wake up with a cigarette butt in your mouth and a Philly Cheese Steak stuck to your stomach.  Your eyes fight their way open as the sun pours through the windows of an unfamiliar room.  Wait, not so unfamiliar, this is the Seahawk Motel.

It all comes rushing back.  Holding back your teammate’s hair while she hugs the porcelain throne.  Remembering that you guys hooked up on the Seacrets dancefloor.  Did anyone see?  Will it be awkward later?  Fuck it.

Sand is everywhere.  In your toes.  On your face, your hair.  You can feel it running down your shirt as you sit up and look around.

Your three roommates are all passed out around you.  One of them made it on to his bed.  Two of them have clothes on.  The clock reads 9:53.  You have a game at 10:00 across the street.  Let’s fucking go!

–Phil D of Sea Section

Kum & Go by J-Dubs

Just a couple more spots open!

I asked team captain and one-man-party Sam Norris what makes this team so special. His response to me was “Mumble, mumble, glurg, glarg, glurg.”.  He was too busy wolfing down hot wings and chugging Pabst (somehow at the exact same time?) to answer my question. I think what Sammy WOULD have said is this: what’s not to love about this team?  Take your pick – Jamie’s laugh (and insane glove hand), the triumphant return of Becky Norris from overseas, the fact that we have the Commissioner, Walsh’s Tito’s and tonic recipe (oops, I gave away the recipe), Georgine’s calming presence, JW’s NON-calming presence, Barretta’s re-defection to the US, Eli’s sweatband, a crazed Scotsman, and I will leave the rest of our secret arsenal players……a secret.  Also, let’s face it, when we look at OCs past, the name of the game has always been to kum………and go.

Cecil Harambe by Richiehero

Last year Derk, Ariel and I were on Plan B (Pullouts). We received this email a few months ago. “Hey guys , how are you? Just so you know we would rather you be dead than for us to ever play with you again. Any chance some other team can take you?”

Cecil greets Harambe in Animal Heaven by trying to send him to Animal Hell.

Gabe is highly considering our offer!

I won’t bore you with the roster. I’d prefer to bore you with wrestling references! But suffice to say, with so many Fresh Kills guys, we stand a very good chance of being the team that the Shortis will beat in the finals. Speaking of the Shortis, I hate when captains take things too seriously and try to win. Adding Jeff??? Really? Rachel Greene is going to be so pissed at you Julie, trust me I know! I mean, you sorttttta make up for stacking your team by having Tim (I gave up an overtime goal to Rich Glanzer) K. as your goalie, but still.

But I digress. Our team is going to be loads of fun. While Rachel (The Nodding Mansplainer) quit the team, we still have Rachel N.

Nabatz pretty much is the party. Hicks promises to eat 3 more crabs than Julie and taunt her endlessly about it. I plan on wrestling many people on the beach, both men and women and both people I know and I don’t. Catherine B. is probably going to be so mortified by our antics that she will beg Amy to take her on her team, but Worky probably will not allow it and tell us just to chill. We will of course not listen.

But most of all, you are all invited the best party bus of the night. When we come home from Seacrets and chant the three best words in the American language. USA!! USA!! USA!!!

USA!! USA!! USA!!

Shortis by Olivier

Cette 4^e et plus récente édition de la franchise des Shortis tentera de prolonger la tradition d’exceptionnelle réussite dans le domaine de l’excellence, qui est depuis le tout début le seul et unique objectif de cette équipe officiellement commanditée par Wawa. Après un couronnement grandiose lors du premier tournoi Hockey Beach il y a déjà un an, les Shortis ont voyage partout dans le monde a la recherche d’adversaires dignes leur talent et de leur intellect: le pittoresque village de Feasterville PA, puis, eh, Feasterville PA encore une fois, avant finalement retourner la où tout a commencé, à la merveilleuse station balnéaire du Maryland : Ocean City.

Malgré un noyau relativement stable, des changements de personnel ont du être réalisés au fil du temps pour diverse raisons. Les irremplaçables Gunnar (blessure au haut du corps), James Stein (en attente de son 3^e enfant légitime, son 367^e nouveau-né au total, et le recensement continue), Roman (trop énigmatique), le couple Ann & James (ils ne nous trouvent pas assez beaux), Sam et Ben (les traitres !), MDF (impliquée dans un mariage de convenance), ainsi que l’ex co-capitaine Rachel (suspendue de l’équipe indéfiniment pour ses frasques a l’extérieur du terrain) furent rapidement et facilement oubliés, alors que les divas Alexis et Mia, des Sky Fighters, et les d’autant-plus-divas Liam et Will, en provenance de Kobra Kaï, se joignent au groupe de champions que sont Alexa, Jeff, Brady, Olivier, Pete, Caroline, Greg, Tim, ainsi que le revenant d’outre-tombe Dan Hopper, le tout dirigés d’une main de fer par la capitaine, directrice générale, présidente et grande mangeuse de crabes Julie Katz.

L’équipe des Shortis souhaite a tous les participants de la deuxième édition de  Hockey Beach un merveilleux tournoi, et que la meilleure équipe gagne ! Sauf si cette équipe n’est pas les Shortis.

The Shortis will live on forever as the first-ever Ocean City champs, just like the first-ever Stanley Cup winners… the, uh, [Googles it] …1873 St. Catherine’s Mustacheroos. Both legends.