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With Isaac out of town, I’ve hit some desperate times looking for writers. This week, I’ve leaned on my trusty championship trivia team to help me out. Common Law Cuckolds, welcome to the BTSH media team (except for those of you who’ve been here for a while).

Corlears Hookers at Filthier

Written by budding media star, Tia Lendo

Filthier versus the Hookers. Who will win? More importantly, who cares? Just kidding. We’re all a little bit intimidated by the talent stacked on both teams. That makes this game particularly difficult to call. To make a prediction, I decided to turn to a proven methodology. I imagined which fictional characters best represent our opponents, and picked my winner based on that.

LBS, Inc. at Poutine Machine

Written by secret trivia superstar, Jamie Batuwantudawe

I ran into Jake from the LBS on the street the other day. I don’t think we’ve ever spoken at the courts, but he beamed a smile at me and chatted for a bit. He’s a great guy and an awesome hockey player. I have a gut feeling he pots a few this week.

In years past, Poutine haven’t always been the most fun team to play against. But this year, they seem way more laid back, with a really positive attitude. Big kudos to Joanne and Bryan for pushing a new team culture. I guess there’s hope that all BTSH teams can change.

I think Poutine will have to be happy with their effort in a loss this week though. Prediction: LBS 3, Poutine 0.

Jamie’s wrong, Angry Poutine Still Exists

Sky Fighters at Fresh Kills

We called in our retired ringer from the West Coast for this one. Here’s what Hopper had to say:

Yeah right, like I got time for previews. Know how many meetings I got this week??? One, I think. But it’s west of La Brea. Might as well be on the damn MOON, amiright? Anyway gotta run, conf call w/ 3Arts at 11 and the service here in Ojai is B-A-D. Like, Gods of Egypt opening weekend bad.

Sent Poolside while asleep with a huge physical copy of Variety draped over my face

Instant Karma vs. Cobra Kai: Or, Too Many Petes

by Chadwick Jørgenflüdler

Ahh, the inaugural Karma/Kai Klassic! Uh oh, KKK? That’s not good. Anyway, were two teams ever more evenly matched? Probably! But Cory, Hugh, Bill, Brianna, and Nicole have their approximate counterparts in Liam, Pete G., Paul, Seb, Rachel 1, and Rachel 2. And the rest of the team probably matches up with someone too, especially if I make no effort at being specific, except Karma doesn’t have a doppelganger for Altman, but hey, he’s probably in Mexico anyway.

The secret to a Cobra Kai victory this week is to notice that Chadwick isn’t there to take up half the court. The secret to a Karma victory is to realize that Karma’s Pete W. has nearly an equal reach and actually scores goals, too, so missing Chadwick is actually a good thing. Actually, there are lots of secrets to a Karma victory. And I’d name them all here if I wasn’t also a Karma Kaptain. See, I did learn something from Richard “let’s tell everyone our strategy” Glanzer!

Why was I assigned this preview, anyway? It makes no sense! Ughhh… I’ll just fill up this nonsense with our team’s official anthem, O Karma-da:

O, Karma-da
Meow meow meow meow meow meoooow
Our team’s got the commissioner
So you better be nice and not piss off her

We sometimes win at hockey
and Chadwick is Chewbaccy
and Al grasps complex numbers
and Isaac serves cucumbers

And if you say “baloney!”
Tell it to Mike Maloney
Cause he’s got saves and you ain’t got none
He catching shots like as if they was a Pokemon

So, all hail Instant Karma-da
Wiser than the Spanish Armada
More boozed than Sierra Nevada
We’re like one big tasty enchilada
in the home of MTV
and the land of, uh, MTV

…well, it’s a work in progress. The point I’m trying to make is Karma 4, Cobra Kai 2.

Not sure how Karma is going to win without this kind of grace and athleticism on the court

Gut Rot at Mathematics

Written by internet sensation: Justin Perras

With the triumphant return of Rebecca “Becky/Becca” Norris, Math is Mama Norris’s head away from the full Norris Voltron. Lady Norris has brought Talented James with her — not Math’s talented James from last season but another James because apparently Math’s supply of quality Jameses is infinite.

What can you say about Gut Rot that they haven’t said themselves a thousand times always ending with “bitches?” I’m starting to think they need to find a way to move the games off the courts and into the bar where they’d be undefeated. Ellery should show up for the game and be a one man player/heckle wall.

I dunno…Math by a lot probably? Amy scores a goal when I’m not there for the third straight year.

Pictured (clockwise from top): Mama, Nathan, Becca, Zach, Sam

Fuzz at Rehabs

Written by Fuzz’s Senior Media Consultant/Advocate: Rob Walsh

In one of the premier matches of the week, the Rehabs will take on Fuzz, the most hated team in the league in a battle for first place.  I mean let’s face it – there is so much to hate about Fuzz.  Let’s examine the case.  They added some players in the offseason just like every other team has done.  They always use the free agent list each week when short and never borrow any other team’s players.  Let’s also count how many players they have cut over the past season.  Oh right – none.  And as the winners of the Newman sweepstakes they have used Newman twice in the pipes and he has lead them to two victories including his first shutout.  How many times has Fuzz gotten written up this season?  Right again – none.  Ok – enough about the legit reasons to hate Fuzz.  It is very clear why Fuzz is only slightly less hated than Donald Trump.  No offense Brian Cronauer.

Meanwhile does anyone even know the mercenaries on the Rehabs?  I mean besides Joey B and Amber of course?

So onto the matchup –  which really has it all……the top two teams in the league based on points…….the two teams with the largest goal differential………the league’s best offense (Fuzz) against the league’s best defense (Rehabs).

If you judge by the Super Bowl result this past season, strong defense stops strong offense.  But will that be the case this Sunday?  Will Evil triumph over Evil?  For sure it will.  

Fuzz squeaks past the Rehabs 3-2 to sweep the season series and proving that offense beats defense especially if you manage to score more than the other team.

Special shout out to Alexa “The Architect” Taubman who will be celebrating her birthday on Sunday and will be scoring the winning goal!

Gremlins at Tompkins Square Riots

So eagerly written by JW Talker, as penance for being himself.

The Grems are coming off a big OT win last week, while the Riots fell to the Machine.
This game has a lot more questions than answers. Some of which are:

– Will Sharif get to exhibit his world-renowned goal celebration?

– Will Amy Jones return from injury to lead her team to victory?

– Will Ryan and Maire be back from Europe for this game? (No, seriously, I can’t remember. I should probably make sure we have enough players.)

– Will JW’s new free agents make the impact they made last game? (This is actually just a plug for teams to ACTUALLY USE THE FREE AGENT LIST.)

– Will MacNeil yell about something at some point? (I think we all know the answer to this one, actually.)

– Will the 1-2 offensive punch of Joe and Drew be too much for the Gremlins?

– Will Busch still wear jeans to play, even in this heat?

– Will it cool off enough for Dave to shine in net for the Riots?

– Something something, heat.  Something something, humidity.

Game prediction: MacNeil ends up yelling a ton, about various things, but it isn’t enough to throw off the Grems’ rhythm. They bag this one, 4-3 in regulation.

Marko is PISSED she’s had to read this many words without one being “cheekbones”

Mega Touch at Dark Rainbows

Co-written by this week’s frenemies: Tia Lendo and a guy(A. Ghai) from Mega

Alok: Despite many tough losses, you all have played really well this season, so this is a tough one to call.

Tia: I agree. And Mega has played well despite the Ws and Ls, too. You’re a hard-working team, and have really only struggled when you’ve had a short bench.

Alok: You Rainbows have been in every game you’ve had this season, regardless of the opponent of your division. It was a tough loss to Fuzz last week 3-0, but you all kept it to 0-0 and 1-0 for most of the game.

Tia:  Thanks. It was a rough one against the Rehabs this weekend, but you all played so well against the Gremlins and Hookers recently…watching Cheeky score twice was amazing.  What a rookie!

Alok: And you all are just so nice. You’re the kind of team people want to have a drink with.

Tia: And so are you. Mega is a team to have a drink with… or maybe some dessert, since many on your team have a sweet tooth.

Alok: Yeah, maybe we can all go for ice cream or cupcakes together after the game this Sunday.

Tia: But this Sunday is the BTSH Olympics, so we really should go to that.

Alok:  Oh, yes. I almost forgot. Let’s show our support and bring our positive energy and sportsmanship to the bar for the Olympics.

Tia: I don’t want to compete with you all though. Let’s form one team for the Olympics: Mega Rainbows. We’ll be like post-unification Germany.

Alok: Sounds good. I have to bring us back to the question at hand, though. We really do need to make a prediction for the BTSH game we have this Sunday.

Tia: I want both of our teams to win. So let’s just call it a tie.

Alok: I agree. I know it’s not technically possible for a BTSH game to end in a tie, but let’s pretend it is.

Prediction: Mega Touch tie Dark Rainbows in a once-in-a-generation BTSH event.

Butchers at What The Puck

Written by internet sensation: Justin Perras

A few years ago I lost an NCAA basketball pool by one point to a guy who never watched sports but did all his picks based on things like mascots and jerseys. Without further ado…

The Butchers have the coolest shirts in the league. They’re timeless and kinda scary.

WTP has Camden, the cutest dog in the league. But they also wear orange which is the color of the sun and I think we can all agree this August that the sun can go fuck itself backwards.

Butchers win a surprisingly tight one, 4-2 with a late empty netter.

Tompkins Square Park, August 21, 2016

Denim Demons at Gouging Anklebiters

I hope you all enjoyed reading contributions by all these awesome new writers, but for this one, you are stuck with good ol’ me.

Little known fact, Craig LaCombe’s first team in BTSH was the Demons. Will this impact the game at all? No. Especially if it’s over 90 degrees and Craig stages another Union strike. For a kid raised in motor city, he sure does suck at labor organization.

But the Demons seem to be doing just fine without Craig, or any of the fuzz-defectors. Adam seems to have an unending supply of hockey talent. They are steam-rolling along this season, proving they earned that spot EVT Division(sorry, Double-Wide didn’t make the list).

Keys to the game for the ‘Biters: Figure out who Zach Fein is and cover him.

Keys to the game for the Demons: Invite the ‘Biters for pre-game drinks, then hand Caroline a bottle of vodka/champagne/whatever.

Craig’s latest strike seems to be going reeeeeeally well.