Meet the Rookies: Daniel P. Perko
June 9th, 2016By The Lovely Ladies of the BTSH Media
Welcome to the first in a possibly very short series we’ve called “Meet the Rookie.” The lovely ladies of the media (picture us with pencils behind our ears and runs in our stockings, furiously scribbling on steno pads) sat down with their first (and possibly last) rookie from the Entry Class of 2016. Without further ado, we bring you the rookie, Daniel P. Perko…
(What does the P stand for? Is there actually a P, or did we just make that up? The truth will never be discovered.)
This is Dan. In a lake.
1. Where are you from?
I’m from Broadview Heights, Ohio, which is about 20 minutes south of Cleveland.
2. How did you find out about BTSH?
Working with Zach Norris at Zenith Media.
3. How much did you pay Zach to let you into BTSH?
You honestly don’t want to know. But seriously, so grateful to join such an amazing league with so many awesome people!
(ed note: blatant attempt at flattery.)
(further ed note: it’s working)
4. Did Zach banish you to Gut Rot because you just aren’t Norris enough (or too much Y chromosome)?
A bit of both, but mostly because I enjoy an adult beverage on occasion, which is typically any day that ends in ‘y.’
(ed note: atta boy)
5. What do you think is the best k-pop comparison for gut rot?
Well, considering our fierceness, grit, and penchant for rocking real hard, I’d say Baby Metal. Look them up…
(ed note: oh we did…here you are BTSH…you are welcome)
They’re so Gut Rot.
6. Who is your favorite spice girl?
Obviously Posh.
(ed note: whatcha really really want)
7. What is your favorite Julia Roberts Movie?
Not the biggest Julia Roberts fan, but did like watching her crushing corporate America in Erin Brockovich.
(ed note: you are hereby sentenced to a viewing of Pretty Woman and the Pelican Brief)
8. What do you think about Diana’s cheekbones?
Fairly sure she’s related to Deanerys Targaryen, the Unburt, Queen of the Andals, the Rhoynar, and the First Men, Queen of Meereeen, Khaleesi of the Great Grass Sea, Breaker of Chains, and Mother of Dragons
(ed note: really workin’ that flattery thing)
9. Who is your favorite BTSH pup?
Haven’t been around long enough to meet a lot of them, but if they have floppy ears, wiggly lil tails, or dumb lil faces, I’m all there. (Also, Cherie and Michelle’s dogs are super awesome.)
We’ve heard the Tompkins Square Hawk has taking a liking to them too.
10. Who would you want to play you in a movie?
This is a tough one… More realistic? Definitely Chris Farley. More practical? Christian Bale, because, you know, blond hair.
(ed note: those two are similar)
11. What’s an obsession of yours that you would be embarrassed to make public (we will make it public)?
I’ve gone to symposiums on public transit, MTA subway map design, watched countless hours of videos about the subway, and read up on the general history if NYC’s subways. :/
(ed note: sorry, nodded off. What was that?)
12. On any given work day, what annoys you the most?
Tourists. But watching them go ape shit over the World Trade Center will never get old.
13. Say you’re going to the electric chair tomorrow, what’s your last meal?
Toss up between a whole hog roast with sauerkraut and dumplings or fried chicken and waffles with hot sauce and honey. Most likely the later for the pun effect, so I can say “flip the switch boys and fry me up like the chicky that’s in my belly!”
(ed note: Perko has dark side)
Not a bad choice.
14. If you could have a superpower what would it be? Why?
Power to change probability. For example, what’s the probability I’ll never shit my pants, at this time, without the power, is fairly low. However, with the power I’d like to make 100% sure it will never happen again.
(ed note: okay that was really funny)
15. When you were a little kid, what did you think you were going to be when you grew up?
….A garbage man.
16. Is there one word you hate?
I love all words, a bit of a word-smith, so my favorite right now is ‘quixotic.’
17. Who was your first famous person crush?
Always and forever Natalie Portman.
(ed note: <3 <3 <3)
Week 9 Previews – Part I: Rivalry Week
June 8th, 2016By Richiepoothang
Before I write these previews, I want to make sure I get paid even if the games are called off due to Rain Fears. I mean I went to the park today and saw this woman with an umbrella and thought, “Thank God Danielle didn’t see her or she’d cancel the whole season.”
Emojis for BTSH Teams
June 7th, 2016By Legend Killer of the Denim Demons
Word of the year.
Emojis are the future, whether you like it or not. Since their creation in the late 90s, emoji adaption has skyrocketed and shows no signs of slowing down. Emoji was named Oxford Dictionaries’ Word of the year. Whenever Apple wants people to adopt to their latest iOS version, they simply tell people if they upgrade they get new emojis, and it works like a charm. Books like Moby Dick (http://www.emojidick.com/) have been translated into emoji and of course The Bible (http://www.nytimes.com/2016/06/03/business/media/the-word-of-god-now-available-in-emoji.html) as well.
But what about hockey? The “Ice Hockey Stick and Puck” emoji finally debuted last year, but different companies have different views about how they should look.
Like the rest of their style, Apple’s emoji is slick and simple. Google’s is a mess however. The tape on the shaft resembles a field hockey stick, and the puck is gigantic. Samsung’s looks like clip art, and LG’s is sort of a mix between Apple’s and Samsung’s. Twitter focuses on the blade and uses a very strange looking orange wood. Emoji One’s kind of looks like a child taped the blade and has a gigantic puck. And last, emojidex looks like a family crest that I fully expect a BTSH team to adopt on their next t-shirt.
And speaking of BTSH, the lack of emojis is a very real problem. And until Unicode 415 comes out in the distant future and gives each team their logo, let’s try to emojify each team.
Notes: The Martial Arts Uniform emoji won’t be released for a few weeks, but that shouldn’t stop Cobra Kai from using it. The words “Fresh” and “Kills” don’t really have emojis, so a nod to their Staten Island roots will have to suffice. Beer before liquor, never sicker for Gut Rot. And the Riots not only have the longest BTSH name, but also the longest emoji string, which seems appropriate.
Caption Contest: Week of 6/6
June 6th, 2016Party people,
(insert caption here)
Enter here: Poll.
Do your worst.
First Annual BTSH Karaoke Competition
June 3rd, 2016REALLY VERY, VERY GOOD
By Ophelia Baulls
When I heard presidential hopeful, Donald Trump, would be in attendance of this year’s First Annual BTSH Karaoke CompetitionTM at Hifi on June 19th – I immediately worked my press credentials to get in for a quick tête-à-tête.
OB: Mr. Trump, I’m thrilled, and somewhat surprised at your attendance to our upcoming event. What drew you in?
DT: Ophelia, I think this going to be tremendous, just tremendous. BTSH is really a very good organization with some talented folks. I have many, many friends in the BTSH community.
OB: Well, thank you, I suppose you’ve heard that Deejay BubblebathTM will be on the turntables for this event?
DT: You know it’s really a great honor to have LaCombe at this event. He’s a sensational talent, I expect him to do very well. I think we’re all in the same business of trying to make our country better, a better place, so we have something in common.
OB: Our hosts, Diana and Worky are gearing up to entertain folks with some tom foolery I’m sure. What a gas! Have you met with them?
DT: Worky is an excellent host, I’ve found him to be just an excellent performer.
OB: And Diana?
DT: I can’t lie — I’ve been treated badly, very, very badly in the past by the BTSH media. She’s really not very good, and I don’t have time for total political correctness — she’s a bimbo. She’s very angry when she talks about me, there’s blood coming out of her eyes, coming out of her…wherever.
OB: Mr. Trump, do you feel this way about all the BTSH media?
DT: Well, I can tell you that Isaac is a sleaze, just a total sleaze and a liar. He’s very biased against me, I think he’s Mexican. There are certain groups of people who are very biased against me for protecting America. But the fact is we should ban Muslims from this event.
OB: You really think you can keep certain groups of people from getting into the karaoke competition?
DT: The greatest generation beat back the Nazis and Japanese imperialists. And you think we can’t keep out Jamie?
OB: Thank you for sitting down with me Mr. Trump.
DT: This will be a great event. A truly great event.
