btsh.org

In addition to registering this year (http://www.btsh.org/bruise/about-btsh/registration/), please stand, remove your caps, and prepare for opening day (as well as the party at ACE at 7:00 this Friday)!

oI really thought going to Canada and changing my identity was a great way to get out of the lifetime contract that I blindly signed to write for the BTSH website for life.  Unfortunately, Richie was able to track down my new phone number and guilt me into writing a preview.  

I obviously have no more than a general idea of how each team looks this season, but I like to think that me and my 6 goals in 2014 are uniquely qualified to judge talent and rank teams.  As I’ve retired from BTSH to take on my new role as the league’s official Mike Milbury, please enjoy my arbitrary and biased previews of the $h0wT!m3 DIVISION.  With in-line links, because that makes it look official.

5: Mathematics
Last season: Glanzer Division, 12-6-0, Championship
Most apt NHL team comparison: The Pittsburgh Penguins (star power, organizational hubris, playoff collapses)

Math is clearly the league’s Penguins.  Since winning the Norris lottery a few seasons ago, the team had all the makings to be a perennial powerhouse.  Combined with stalwart leadership in the Derek/Eli dictator borg and an uncanny ability to lure big name free agents like Joey Batista, Math had all the makings of a dynasty to come.   But every year, the playoffs happen and Math doesn’t have an answer.  Last year, it was a loss to the Hookers, setting up one of the most boring matchups in BTSH finals history (even though the game itself was exciting).  I still haven’t really forgiven them for that.

The name of the game is playoff success.  When you crash and burn in the semis with such lofty expectations, you find yourself coming in at the bottom of the power rankings.  I’m in Canada. What are you gonna do aboot it? 

4: Gouging Anklebiters
Last season: $h0wT!m3 Division, 11-6-1
Most apt NHL team comparison: New York Islanders (dark horse team, established core, plays hockey in New York)

I gave the Biters the Islanders for two reasons.  One is that I thought it would grind Rich’s gears, but the other is that I see this team as having a core that’s been together for at least as long as I’ve been around BTSH (one season give or take a few weeks).  Talking about people like Worky, Suz, Caroline, as well as the dynamic duo of Sarah Moore and Shelley Maasdorp.  Just a good, solid, reliable roster all around.

In all seriousness, these guys are in fourth place, but it’s less about them and mostly about the strength of the $h0wT!m3 in general (it’s a pretty strong division).  I think they are my dark horse pick to do some damage in the division.  That’s not really based on anything.  None of this is really.  None of this really matters.

3: Instant Karma (formerly La Famiglia/Tuques)
Last Season: $h0wT!m3 Division, 12-5-1
Most apt NHL team comparison: Winnipeg Jets (franchise name change, white uniforms)

IK/Tuques/Famiglia/whatever was always one of those teams that I felt like could win any game they played.  I only played against them once and reffed them a couple of times but they have a lot of people on the roster who do hockey things on a regular basis, like cycle the puck and establish a forecheck and block passing lanes on defense.  Because of that, I have them solidly in number 3 here.

I guess where the Jets comparison fails is that IK actually has a bonafide star (Denis Miciletto), whereas Winnipeg doesn’t.  IK has a good supporting cast, too, though.  Maybe the strength of the rebrand will push them deeper into the playoffs this season.

2: Happy Little Elves
Last Season: $h0wT!m3 Division, 12-6-0
Most apt NHL team comparison: Boston Bruins (tallest player, love-em-or-hate-em bunch, chippy, in-your-face game)

Another storied franchise that has carried the burden of expectations just short of the goal line in recent years.  The Elves’ swagger is propelled by their team talent, but also largely on their recent title a few years back.  However, BTSH is a game of what-have-you-done-for-me-lately, and sure enough, blowing out teams in the regular season isn’t going to cut it if you don’t make it happen in the postseason.  

The usual suspects are all here.  New Trevor has probably earned the right to be Old Jonathan at some point since he’s no longer a rook.  Adela is still my fourth-favorite female player in the league and I am going to miss reffing her.  Glanzer won’t score a goal but will learn about advanced statistics and spend the season telling everyone how goals don’t matter because his score-close Fenwick is through the roof and his subpar PDO will eventually regress to the mean.

I also saw that Emily and Trevor are engaged, so congrats for that.  Word is that Glanzer plans to make her a healthy scratch at her wedding, though. #emilybenched

1: Sky Fighters
Last Season: $h0wT!m3 Divison, 9-6-3
Most apt NHL team comparison: Washington Capitals (Eastern European franchise savior, dynamic duo on offense)

The Sky Fighters were quietly one of the most dominant teams in the second half of last season, and most of it had to do with the addition of the pride and joy of Latvia, Roman Teytelbaum.  He managed to make his way into the top-ten goalscorers even though I’m pretty sure he started playing about halfway through the season.  I might be wrong but it makes for a better story if I’m right.

I also have always really liked the Sky Fighters.  Dan Hopper is one of my favorite BTSHers and they have the coolest uniforms in the league.  To me, that’s good enough for numero uno in the $h0w’.   Olivier is probably the Backstrom to Roman’s Ovechkin, even though Olivier had more goals on the season last year.  The analogy makes more sense if Roman is Ovie.  (In before “racist”).

Who are these guys that are running around in the top division?

The Tuques are no more and 5 of the Prettiest People (though not the prettiest, that’s Lisa) have gone to join Suvin, James and the boys at Filthy.

Choose Your Own Adventures CLUE!

A note from the author: the following happened, in exact order, to the exact word, in a way I think I remembered how I interpreted it… –Hsieh

The sun was shining, my hockey sticks were in hand, and I was looking forward to the first of many relaxing Sunday summer days at Tompkins Square Park.  Today was the Free Agent scrimmage, where almost every team looks to replace their entire team in order to contend against the Hookers Math Skyfighters Filthy Gorgeous and Fresh Kills for the PBR Cup.  Unfortunately, for the 18 other teams–this never happens–and there are only 1-2 good players to pick from. 

However, as excited as I was, I always know whenever I am longing for a relaxing day of ball hockey, Rich Glanzer usually ruins it.  And that’s what happened.  He instantly found me and told me how someone has placed ads online in his likeness.  I don’t know what he is talking about; I tell him that any PR is good PR, especially if your name is Rich Glanzer.  “I’m looking to sue!  You need to find out who has done this, Hsieh!” he clamors, and wanders off to watch Gabe.

So, here is where the story begins…       

Where do you go when you have no clue where to start and you’ve been tasked by Rich Glanzer to do something?!  The first place you go in Tompkins when you have a tinkling cross your mind is… The Tompkins Square Bathrooms, dummy.  I headed down the path, passed a few homeless people, and walked into a green, smelly bathroom, with a urinal that looked like it has been bagged and broken for about 1 and 1/4 BTSH seasons. 

I found a man in tight, 1980’s sportswear, wearing odd Vegan socks, loitering in the corner, trying to score some Falafel.  “I’ll do anything fo’ some of dat crushed, fried hummus?!” “Anything?!” I said.  I knew he was serious; his Vegan socks were a tell all.  “I’ll give you my leather belt; the veeeegan side of me says that I should just throw it away, but the thriiiifty side of me says, ‘chickpeas!’”  

“Okay, I’ll score you a falafel ball, but I’m looking for someone… someone who has wronged a child.”

“I know who you’re looking for, first and foremost, find the extremely tall, lanky fella, who towers over most, and is the best looking person in the league.  Actually—he’s the second best looking person, the first is a captain named Derek. Keep it on the DL, but Derek previously won that title in a game of skeeball at the league bar, ACE.” 

It was a good lead, the man looked suspicious right off the bat, almost Russian, but my instincts thought Ukrainian descent.  “Excuse me, sir, I need to interrogate you. What is your name?”

“Ben Chadwick, but you can call me Chadtrick, after I score one goal, get one assist, hurt my back, and have Rich yell at me at least 10 times.” 

“Okay, Chadtrick, I understand you work in the computer industry in some programmatic capacity, and are seemingly the smartest person in the league.”

“No, I used to be the smartest person in the league, but one night I got really drunk and met a captain named Derek at ACE bar, who saw how under the influence I was and took advantage of me, stealing that title from me in a game of skeeball at the league bar, ACE.”

“I see—I guess it could not have been you at all! Damn, well can you please point me to another person?”

“Yeah, get off my back, you need to interrogate a group of brothers, who have gained notoriety by trolling Glanzer, so much so, that he developed Stockholm Syndrome and began to like them.  They actually don’t like him, but feel bad for the guy, so, well… The leader goes by the name of Zach.  Despite him holding a hockey stick right now, he’s talking to Rich about a triple A baseball team that plays at Citi Field, makes terrible trades, pays too much for old players, and somehow has continued to exist as a franchise.”

I approached this brother named Zach–happy to know we had likely found the perpetrator.  When I inquired about if he placed the ads, was friends with Rich, or enjoyed PS1 MoMA exhibits, a “fuck-off no” was all I got.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u-3uyRyAYpg

The path was now cold.  Who else could it have been?  They say the criminal always returns to the scene of the crime—could it be Cruff & Bloom, possibly even Bernstein?!  Such conviction from both parties on Facebook suggest it.  Could it be the newest person to join the league, walking in like he owned the place—and none other than James Stewart?!  Or, even Rich’s prom date—did he have one—who else would use such an outdated photo from him in high school to put the ad up?! Was Craig LaCombe Rich’s prom date? 

Choose Your Own Adventures CLUE, you decide:

 A. Was Craig LaCombe Rich’s prom date?
 B. Is Chadtrick being shady and should be further interrogated?
 C. Interrogate Jenna Cruff—she was the first to alert the public of this heinous crime
 D. Question The Authority (Rich, Derek, & Eli)—they can never be ruled out
 E. Who drank my entire, half-gallon bottle of juice at my new apartment two weekends ago, while I was out of town? Interrogate Suz to find out?

Now that refs are going to get paid $25 a game, Tim and I have decided that if they make a bad call, Superkicking them is legal. (Pending a league vote by the captains)

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