Sweet Sixteen Game Previews – Part 1
October 3rd, 2013
#12 Sky Fighters at #5 La Famiglia
12:00 pm, Tompkins Square East
by Dr Byron “Toss me that lime, son” Clavicle
La Famiglia vs. Skyfighters was the opening game of the 2013 BTSH season; for one of the two teams, it will also be its close. But there’s more to this matter than just a clichéd lede. Due to a combination of scheduling snafu and league-wide apathy, La Famiglia and Skyfighters have played each other every single week this year. Predicting the outcome should thus be a trivial statistical matter, except it’s too much trouble to find the old scores (they seem to just stop after May 5th and I can’t figure out how to find the old box scores on the new website). Thus, as we so often do within the fences of Tompkins Square, we must turn to the occult.
Placing myself in the center of a flaming pentagram, I was able to summon Cthulhu (pictured below) by languidly twerking while reciting America’s Pledge of Allegiance in the mystical language of Q*bert.
But howforth wouldst I, Clavicle, decrypt this enigmatic blurt? For weeks I labored in the bowels of the Strand Bookstore, consulting every book written by Satan’s infernal hand, from the Necronomicon to Goodnight Moon. Alas, I found no answers. Trapped by the abysmal depths of my ignorance and the darkness of gloaming, I subsisted only on silverfish… At wit’s end I inhaled all my cyanoacrylates, and the truth at last revealed itself to me: Cthulhu was just Rich Glanzer with an octopus stuck to his face– muffled, perhaps, but making as much sense as usual.
But from whence, I pondered, this tentacular cephalopod? The mollusk. The mollusk… dot dot dot…
Ay! The answer was as plain as the octopus on Glanzer’s face. A strong showing from both teams, but Famiglia wins it by two.
– Dr. By’n. Clav’cle, PhD, LAX, SFO, and BLT
#11 Gremlins at #6 Corlears Hookers
1:00 pm, Tompkins Square East
Damn you clavicle! I was going to use Cthulu in my Gremlins writeup.
Of course, the thing about Gremlins (like Cthulu and Unicorns) is you have to believe in them for them to have any power over you. And that’s the key to this game … belief. The Goblins have to believe that they have the league’s best goalie in Jamie B. They have to believe that they can find the scoring touch they’ve had in the last couple of games. And the have to believe the return of Luke Berg will be the X Factor that powers them to playoff success. Perhaps they can even incite the crowd. Expect Ryan to stop the game with 5 minutes left, turn to the sidelines and ask “Do you believe in Gremlins?”
For the Hookers, the game plan is simple. Show up. We’re not just talking physically either (although it would certainly help if they had a full bench for once). Talent wise, there isn’t a team in the league that can match the Hookers (sorry Fresh Kills but it’s true). But they get beat in the playoffs by teams with better squad cohesiveness (the aforementioned KIlls) or teams that just want it more (cue Rich Glanzer 10 minute soliloquy about the Elves victory. I think it was in 1994 or something). If Dustin can get his team to bring their hearts and minds to Tompkins on a consistent basis for the next four weeks, the Hookers may finally bring home that elusive PBR cup.
#14 What The Puck at #3 Mathematics
2:00 pm, Tompkins Square East
by Rich “Thin Line Between Love and Hate” Glanzer
Fresh KillsTim Brown wants to be the best goalie but knows as long as Romeo is in the league, he can never be #1. So as Commissioner, Tim has told Romeo that the next time he loses, he has to retire. That’s a lot of pressure on #30.
#15 Mega Touch at #2 LBS, Inc.
3:30 pm, Tompkins Square East
Talk about teams that want it more. Mega blew by Poutine Machine last week due largely to passion and hustle. They scored four on Tim Brown even with Adriano “GOALLLLL” Bratta being held off the scoresheet. They’ll need to bring it again in full force this week. Not only are the LBs. the defending champs and the #2 seed, they’ve also finally got something emotional at stake in this game as well. First, there are rumors that Ken “the Alpha Male” Poulin may come out of retirement for this match. if he does, expect Karsten’s joy to be matched only by his goal production. Second, this is Seth’s last game with LBs (apparently John Tortorella has invited him to go after the Canucks starting goalie job. James Stein is reportedly heartbroken). Expect Sam, Sascha and the rest of the D to step up their game and try as they try to send Seth off with a clean sheet. If Mega can pull off another victory, this will officially be the biggest upset of the season 9so far).
Special note to the color blind: Lbs. are in white, Mega are in grey. This is your game!
Playoffs – Sweet Sixteen Schedule!
September 30th, 2013SUNDAY, OCTOBER 6TH!
NOTE EARLIER START TIMES!!!
12:00 PM East #12 Sky Fighters at #5 La Famiglia
12:00 PM West #13 Rehabs at #4 Denim Demons
1:00 PM East #11 Gremlins at #6 Corlears Hookers
1:00 PM West #9 Dark Rainbows at #8 Happy Little Elves
2:00 PM East #14 What The Puck at #3 Mathematics
2:00 PM West #10 Butchers at #7 Gouging Anklebiters
3:30 PM East #15 Mega Touch at #2 LBS, Inc.
3:30 PM West #16 Gut Rot at #1 Fresh Kills
4:30 PM OPEN SCRIMMAGE
Playoffs Week 1- Game Previews
September 27th, 2013
With all the lime tossing and retirements going on around here, it’s easy to forget that some team will be battling for their playoff lives this weekend. But for the few, the proud, the “Crazy Eights”, Sunday begins the start of the second season. Some will be dreaming of unlikely championship runs. Others will simply be trying not to vomit by the side of the court (I’m looking at you Claire Weingarten).
Like any smart coach, we’re resting our starters this week.
Monica Russo will be focusing on her match against Gut Rot. She’s been working the phones all week and has guaranteed that six (and possibly even seven!) Filthy Gorgeous players will show up. Meanwhile, Rich and Eli are trying to mend a friendship that’s been torn apart by mocking comments about Derek’s compression shorts and accusations of Glanzer offering Adelle a bounty for certain Mathematics’ players heads. So you can see our intrepid reporters will have their hands full during their journalistic bye week.
Meanwhile, we’ve got a few games to comment on.
#20 Tompkins Square Riots at #13 Rehabs
2:30, Tompkins Square West
It was firewagon hockey when these teams met the last time. The Habs managed to post a season high seven goals but the Riots managed to put a few past the black and red defence as well. Expect both teams to play it a lot tighter with the stakes so much higher.
On paper, these teams match up nicely. Rehabs have a player named Alex who’s pretty good. So do the Riots. The Riots have an experienced goalie named Dave. The Rehabs have an experienced goalie named Showtime (although he never seems to play in net). Bryan Welch tends to go a little bit crazy in games. Laura MacNeil goes a little bit crazy in games. It should all balance out right?
Afraid not, TSR. The playoffs are all about experience. And if nothing else, that’s something that the Black Brawlers have going for them. We wouldn’t be surprised if this one goes to OT. At the end of the day, expect the Riots to join the long list of BTSHers who chant “Rehabs suck!”
#17 Filthy Gorgeous at #16 Gut Rot
2:30, Tompkins Square East
The storyline for this game might be that there is no storyline. As far as we know these two teams like each other just fine. Yes, a couple of former Filthys play for Gut Rot now. And yes, Monica may once have politely asked a soon to be ill Peaches to hastily depart the cab they were sharing. But that’s the extent of the bad blood between these franchises. In fact, both teams lost their starting goalie mid-season so there’s been some off-court bonding about their shared dilemma.
So with an amazingly civil game anticipated, who has the edge? Again, it’s not an easy call since these two teams so rarely play each other. But there is a reason Filthy plays in the Bratta division and Gut Rot plays in the Glanzer grouping. Even with the 2013 version of Gut Rot being a vastly improved side we have to give the edge to the Dirty Prettys.
Besides, everyone knows that Filthy loses to the Hookers in the playoffs. It’s a BTSH tradition.
#19 Cobra Kai at #14 What the Puck
4:30 pm, Tompkins Square West
Will this be Romeo’s last game? Not if Zimm and the rest of the WTPers have anything to say about it. We watched a bit of last week’s WTP game and it brought a tear to our eye. All your old favorites were there. Daryl. Woodsie. Michelle Doucette. Heck, for a moment we thought we’d see Bratta pulling on the orange and blue again (in fact, that’s a great idea. Adriano should play half a game for each of his old teams. Don’t worry about Mega Touch, Mussels. They’ll be fine.) It reminded us that the secret to What the Puck’s success has always been team chemistry. With the exception of LBs. you won’t find a team in the league that’s more comfortable playing with each other. It’s why they’ve made so many finals and semi-finals appearances over the years.
And it’s a big challenge for the dojo. Watching a Cobra Kai game these days is like viewing an episode of GENERAL HOSPITAL after not watching since the glory days of Robert Scorpio and Frisco Jones. Sure you may be able to spot a few familiar faces (Will Kuhns and Gregg Allman are the Luke and Laura of BTSH). But for the most part you’ll just be confused. If Cobra Kai’s players can’t overcome their relative unfamiliarity with each other, WTP will continue their tradition of being the only orange and blue New York sports team that plays meaningful games during the first week of October.
#18 Poutine Machine at #15 Mega Touch
4:30 pm, Tompkins Square West
The best news for Poutine Machine may be that Alex Eben Meyer won’t be able to ref this game. Stripes and Poutine sniper Ashish “Shakti” Nagpal have been feuding for two years now, so expect a lot of chirping in this one as well. Poutine may have won the regular season meeting between these two squads but that was against a depleted Mega squad. Expect BTSH power couple Julie and Adriano to join with the aforementioned Meyer, Eric “Mr. Intensity” Devlin and the littlest goalie to form the core of an “Any Given Sunday” squad that no team should take lightly.
Our suggestion? The Machine needs to employ the seldom used “E.T. Strategy”. Leaving a trail of Reese’s Pieces from the court to the Ace Bar should effectively distract Julie long enough for Poutine to score the one goal they’ve been averaging per game and secure a berth in the next round.
Mega Touch, phone home!
Farewell, farewell! One kiss, and I’ll descend.
September 26th, 2013
Editor’s Note: The season of change continues. Longtime BTSHer Anthony Romeo is calling it quits after this year’s playoffs. Here are a few final thoughts from the best dressed goaltender in the league …
When I decided that this season would be my last in BTSH, it came with a lot of reflection. It’s been 9 years now. I’ve been booed, I’ve been cheered. I’ve won, I’ve lost, I’ve tied, I’ve been robbed by referees. I’ve joined teams, I’ve left a team. I’ve seen league leadership changes, total overhauls of the media team, and an entire rink relocation. I’ve seen hundreds of different women take my empty Poland Spring bottles.
I wanted to take a few quick moments to reach out to the BTSH universe, to thank you all so much for everything you’ve given me over the last 9 seasons. When I started in the league, I was 19, had just gotten my first job in New York City, and was introduced to BTSH by a man who noticed that I was shooting security sensors into a mop bucket with a reacher-hook in a department store.
Now, I’m 28, I’m married, I’m happy. My life is more settled, there’s a routine, responsibilities. The things I saw everyone else having, I knew I’d get someday. The many men and women in BTSH helped me find an identity in this gigantic city of ours, you all made me feel welcome, made me feel like a part of it all.
Being an openly gay athlete has never been an issue in our league. I like to think that we embraced diversity and focused only on court-performance, long before groups like the “You Can Play” project made it hip. Whether it was red and black or orange, when I tugged my Romeo jersey over my head, that’s the only thing you all noticed.
I’ve noticed some things about you and your teams. In no specific order, here’s a quick memory for each of you.
Fresh Kills – I hate you. Can you stop beating me in the playoffs with 90 seconds left? No, really.
Lbs. – Seth, my goalie buddy. You got so old. How are you still winning?
Demons – Uh, yea no. Not getting myself into trouble there. Too easy. WAY too easy.
Anklebiters – You’re still around? That’s cool.
Hookers – Can’t wait to see you guys continue losing in the Finals. #consistency #sorrydustin
Math – Andy Pratt, gentleman extraordinaire. Married out of his league.
La Famiglia – Your offense makes me want to one-two-punch you in the face. Stop scoring on me.
Elves – Proof that even those with disabilities can be mainstreamed, with patience and humility.
Rainbows – How soon til the babies lace up the sneakers and get out there?
Butchers – Second toughest playoff loss of my 9-years, thanks Arthur.
Gremlins – Are we still pretending you’re not the Unicorns? Tip of the hat, LaCombe.
Skyfighters – I’ll remain the one goalie that James Stein has never out-dueled in net. Ever.
Gut Rot – Bill Tucker, the most gentlemanly goalie ever in net. Thanks for your friendship. Go Devils.
Filthy Gorgeous – James, Suvin, Sunny. I’ll see you in Hell. You’re way too good.
Mega Touch – The wild card team that can beat you on any given week. My first BTSH shut-out.
Poutine – I still think you’re saying dirty things in French about me. And I like that.
Cobra Kai – Best logo in all of BTSH, hands down.
Riots – Wait, who?
Rehabs – Too much to say. First win, first team, first shutout, first playoff run. The beginning.
WTP – My family. My first Finals appearance. My heart. The end.
I’ll miss you guys a bunch, and I’m excited to step away from BTSH in good health, happy and forever grateful for the friendships I’ve made, the families I’ve been proud to step into, and the number I was lucky enough to wear for 9 amazing years.
If you want to keep up with me, my pieces for Huffington Post, or just my general feelings on anything and everything, you can follow me on Twitter @AnthonyRomeo1.
There’s no farewell tour, just a smile and a nod. I might be gay, but I’m not Cher. Goodbye means goodbye.
Love you all, except anyone on the Demons.
Romeo
#30
THIS DAY IN LIME-TOSS HISTORY (#2) – Sept. 24, 1965
September 24th, 2013
The separate sides submitted this sanctioned skirmish would stifle the strife, settle the seething, and squash the squabble.
The night would end badly for Listerine.
Like a man incensed, the emerald-handed Walker-Black dominated the pugilistic showdown from the starting bell. In fourteen minutes of frantic fisticuffs, Listerine landed nary a blow. Subjected to a withering harvest of tangy taps, juicy jabs, and fructose-fingered uppercuts, the lemon-lovin’ upstart fell by knockout seconds before the end of the fifth round, his face and neck dripping with rutaceous angiosperm.
The only other casualty of the night were the limes on Walker-Black’s hands, destroyed by his own fury. Sports reporter Howard Cosell was heard to remark on the scene, “I’ve seen a man beaten to a pulp, but never before have I seen a man beaten by a pulp.”
As the referee ended the bout, Listerine’s manager seized the ring mic and shouted, “Johnny Walker-Black has clearly been juicing.” The judges were unmoved and ruled unanimously in favor of Fruit Punch, thus cementing that most controversial of Lime-Toss rules for all time.
Asked to comment on his defeat, the felled fighter could only shake his head and quip, “It was the best of limes, it was the worst of limes.”
“That’s why they call it Lime-Toss, bitch,” Walker-Black shot back. “I dangle like a Sweet lime, but I sting like a Key.”
Though lemons are now officially outlawed in Lime-Toss, debate remains stalled over Fukushu kumquats.
–excerpted from the Daily Squirter of New Jersey, printed Sept. 24, 1965
Photo credit: Weegee Z. Norris
