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Editor’s note: Wow, BTSH. You’re more effective than J-Date and E-Harmony combined. This week Derek Tagliarano and Michelle Doucette finally tie the knot and Ashish Nagpal and Carly Czuba from Poutine Machine also take the plunge. While we wish the happy couples well, it’s devastated the ranks of Mathematics, What the Puck and Poutine Machine this weekend. It’s also put our reporting staff down another member as Eli was “too busy” to write anything this week. We’re sure Rich Glanzer has a few words to say about that …

LBS vs Corlears Hookers,
5:30 PM, Tompkins Square East
by Rich “You want me at your wedding. You need me at your wedding …” Glanzer

The Hookers vs. the Lbs. is a rematch from last years semi-finals, when the Lbs. shocked the world (ok, just me) and beat the Hookers. Though I’m mad at the Hookers for losing to FK, I expect them to bounce back and win 2-1. But I don’t have time for breaking down a game…I have to talk about Derek and Michelle’s upcoming wedding that I’m invited to!

First let me say Michelle is really being a jerk about her wedding. I asked her to have it in November through March so I wouldn’t miss a game. Then when she said, “Glanzer, you better fucking be joking” I suggested she have the wedding on a day the Elves play at5:30 so I could race back. It just seems really petty on her part that she would intentionally pick a day where the Elves play the Demons at 1. I know the BTSH Universe is on my side.

As for who will get married next? While it will be Michelle, it wont be Derek. Finally the long awaited Elly heel turn is coming, as I see this scenario playing out.

Priest: Michelle, do yo take a great looking man to be your lawfully wedded husband?
Michelle: Yes….yes, a thousand times yes!

Priest: Derk, do you take the lovely Michelle to be your lawfully wedded wife? 

Derk: I d…..

All of a sudden, from out of the flowers pops Elly! Elly hits Derk over the head with a chair, rendering him unconscious. Then Elly looks to the crowd, smirks, and I come strutting. I whip off my suit and underneath is a lime green tuxedo, with the sleeves cut off and the #7 on the back. As the crowd is stunned, I kick Derk off the podium, grab Michelle’s hand, tell the Priest to scram and Elly steps up, and says…

Elly: As you all know, I’ve taken an online course to become a Rabbi. So with that being said, Do you Rich Glanzer, take Michelle to be your lawfully wedded wife?

Me: “That’s what…I DO!”  

Then I kiss Michelle, put an Elves shirt over the just awakening Derk, and spray paint Michelle’s wedding dress lime green. 

The crowd is stunned as I carry Michelle in my arms, not to the wedding reception, but to Tompkins…to play our 1 p.m. game vs. the Demons. Michelle still crying from the whole incident, scores the GW goal in OT, and starts to realize…that being an Elf 4 Lyfe is a pretty good thing.

#SorryJeromenotimeforyouthisweek #Savethewedding! #LetsgoGutRot

Denim Demons at Happy Little Elves,
1:00 PM, Tompkins Square East

It’s a marriage of red and green, Christmas colors, elves in Jorts, nothing but goodwill here right? Wrong. The Demons still hold a grudge for being excluded from the fairytale cup for all these years. And without the Tinkelman-Glanzer bromance keeping things chill expect drama here. This is one match that’s not going to end harmoniously. Demons 5- Elves 3 and Adam gets custody of Ben Chadwick.

Gouging Anklebiters at Butchers
1:00 PM, Tompkins Square West

It’s a meeting of minds and spirits, two like minded teams coming together as one. But it’s also a time to consider the different paths life takes you on. The Anklebiters are one of the most hitched up teams in the league. When they’re not marrying each other they’re marrying players from other teams (I’m looking at you Sascha & Guvs). Meanwhile, the Butchers are swinging singles. Sure some of them are in serious relationships. But most of them are players, something that hurts them on the court in early games like this. look for the somewhat settled down Biters to beat a significantly more hungover Butchers squad 3-1.

Mega Touch at Dark Rainbows
2:00 PM, Tompkins Square East

See the writeup above and substitute “Dark Rainbows for “Anklebiters” and “Mega Touch” for “Butchers”.

Gut Rot at Fresh Kills
2:00 PM, Tompkins Square West

Gut Rot’s experience with marriage is largely confined to the shotgun kind. But they’ve got bigger things on their mind. Tommy swore he wouldn’t get married until Dave Sokol and crew knew the bitter sting of defeat. But now he’s worried about ending up as an 80 year old contestant on the Bachelor. So he’s pulling out all the stops for this one. He claims to have a secret strategy involving something borrowed and something blue. Is this the reason why Mike and Heather have been seen eating at Henrik Lundquist’s restaurant every night this week? We’d suggest a different strategy. Just let all the Russians on Fresh Kills know that they’re secretly married to Anna Kournikova. It could work! But if it doesn’t look for another FK blowout.

Sky Fighters at La Famiglia
3:00 PM, Tompkins Square East

The Fam are big on the holy state of matrimony. But in more of an organizational sense. Just ask Shafiq Perry. When the Perinator tried to defect to the Kills after a particularly persuasive Kevin Foster recruiting session,  he found a pack of ribeyes in his bed. Mistaking them for another gesture from the Kills, he was saddened to find out that they’d been placed there by Dr. Alfred Liu (who was unclear on the whole “horse head in the bed” thing). Over a delicious BBQ dinner, Capo del Capo Denis Miceleto informed him that he was “married to the mob” and that divorce was not an option. And Perry remains a member of La Famiglia to this day.

The lesson for the Skyfighters? Find Denis a nice lady, encourage them to have kids and postpone this game to the day of his daughter’s wedding. Then when he tells you that he can’t refuse you a favor on that day, ask him to throw the game. It’s a long term strategy but a guaranteed “W”.

Cobra Kai at Rehabs
3:00 PM, Tompkins Square West

Rehabs tend not to get married as they’re supposed to avoid any major life changes while they’re on the team (work the steps, folks). But Cobra Kai? With close to 30 players on their active roister it’s only a matter of tim before someone hooks up. In the meantime, both teams are dealing with the addition of a significant amount of new players. So they should really treat this more like a mixer than the a ball hockey game. We suggest that every time two opposing players go in to the corner for a ball, they stop and tell each other a little bit about themselves. Who knows? Maybe some magic will happen.

Oh, and Rehabs 2- Cobra Kai 1.

Filthy Gorgeous at Tompkins Square Riots
4:30 PM, Tompkins Square East

Both these teams are so good looking, we expect this to be the most watched match of the day. While fans are busy scrawling “Mrs. James Periera” or “Mr. Laura MacNeil” on their trapper keepers, the players will stick to business (although we wouldn’t rule out some Olympic Village type shenanigans later). TSR have the talent to surprise a lot of teams but FG looked very focused in their OT win against Math last week. Expect them to continue to roll and win 5-3 against a scrappy Riots team.

What the Puck at Poutine Machine
4:30 PM, Tompkins Square West

This game was supposed to be played between the ceremony and reception of the Nagpal-Czuba and Tagliarano-Doucette weddings. But neither wedding party could agree on a neutral location and no one was willing to take Larry Zimmer’s suggestion to move both weddings to Citifield.  So expect this game to look more like replacement football. Word has it that Patrick will be recruiting during Bob W’s kids street hockey session earlier in the day while WTP may decide it’s another good beach day. Either way, expect to see a lot of unfamiliar faces.

Gremlins at Mathematics the Norri
5:30 PM, Tompkins Square West

Anyone who’s watched GAME OF THRONES knows that weddings are the perfect time for political machinations. And with Derek and Eli a thousand miles away (and loyal retainer Andy Pratt already exiled to the West Coast), the time of the Norri is nigh. Expect Zack and Sam to make sure all their team members swear a blood oath to Mama Norris before starting this week’s game. And expect several more floppy haired additions to the Math roster. It’s only the first step for a family who obviously have designs on taking over the entire league. Is it true that there’s a Jeb Norris eyeing a run at the commissioner’s office in 2016?