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Editor’s Note: With the NHL trading season in full swing, we asked our correspondents to grill their sources for news of impending deals in BTSH. Who’s most likely to be traded? Who’s getting a long term contract extension? And is it true that Peaches has sold the naming rights for Gut Rot to Franzia? “Box Wine” doesn’t pack quite the power of “Gut Rot” but according to our sources, it and several other big changes are looming in the league’s future.

Sky Fighters at Mathematics
1:00 pm, Tompkins Square East

The Mathletes roll in to this contest with a strong performance in the first half of the season. But how will they cope with the loss of heart and soul player Andy Pratt? Does Zach have any cousins? While the Norris strategy has paid dividends so far, it may be a well that Derek can’t go back to that often. Instead, look for him to make a play for La Famiglia’s Dr. Alfred Liu, a solid second line scorer. While Liu hadn’t really considered leaving the Paisano’s, the offer of being able to put his own equation on the Math’s third jersey may prove too tempting.

Meanwhile, Dan Hopper has received an ultimatum from keeper James Stein. Apparently Rammstein feels that he can’t play to the best of his ability without a goalie controversy. Hops is looking to create some trouble by targeting WTP’s Anthony Romeo (who’s reportedly unhappy with Corey Winters getting so many starts for the Orange Crush). He’s also asked Robert Kucera to scour the Czech leagues for any hot young goaltending prospects. That may not work out so well since Kuci’s last callup (a kid named Felix from the St. Bernard’s system) was tossed out of the league when they found out he was only seven years old.

Expect Math to pounce on the Fighters locker room calmness and post a 4-3 OT victory.

Gremlins at Corlears Hookers
2:00 pm, Tompkins Square East

Gremlins Captain Ryan Mills would be at the center of a lot of wheeling and dealing, except for one small thing. He really doesn’t have anyone to trade. With Luke “Ice” Berg still injured and Jon Rick’s appearances less frequent than a legitimate Rich Glanzer scoring chance, Mills is down to just 12 skaters. His hottest property is goalie Jamie “We’re going to need a bigger jersey” Batuwantudawe. But JB has hurt his tradability by playing for every other team in the league anyway. Like my mom used to say, “Why buy the cow, when you can get his 1.00 GAA for free?” Love ya, Mom.
Unless a contender is looking to pick up Caitlin Ervin or Mark MacAdam for a playoff run, expect Mills’ phone to not be ringing anytime soon.

The Hookers’ should also be sitting tight when it comes to deals. The brutal Hookers initiation process (a combination of Freemason rituals, Special Forces testing and Alpha Alpha Alpha hazing) tends to scare away any but the most extreme candidates. With Jackie Spiegel on the IR, the Hookers might have an opening for one more female player. Maybe that’s why Joann Provencher has been signing up for Spartan races lately? She’s always dreamed of wearing that “CH” logo.

As for the game, sorry JB but even you can’t stop 72 shots. Which is what the Hookers have been averaging per game this season. 4-0 for the Montreal Marauders.

Tompkins Square Riots at Gouging Anklebiters
3:00 pm, Tompkins Square East
by Bill “Dr. Love” Tucker

As the BTSH season winds its serpentine path through the heart of summer, the thoughts of competitive teams turn to bolstering rosters.  In the case of Riots / Biters, you have two teams on opposite end of the standings but right in line where it counts.  Good times while playing hockey.  While I realize I sound like a broken record, screw it.  That’s what counts in the end. 

While most of our writing staff may ponder how well Trevor Beauclair would look on the Hookers or if Poutine blue would clash with Alex Myer’s striped socks, I’m taking a different route.  Both these teams are die hard families and would never trade players willy-nilly.  Instead, they would swap nonsense and intangibles.  Amy Jones’ boundless enthusiasm for Courtney’s affable good nature.  Gouging’s bloody foot costume for a quilt made from old Riots jerseys.  Zach’s epic ‘stache for Craig Thompson’s golden grin.  Regardless of the score, there’s a ton to love about these two teams.  Expect a good time game this coming Sunday.

Dr. Hunter S. Tompkins’ Official Prediction:  Bill, you sentimental fool!  The obvious exchange would be Fredrick Lund Hansen for Joe P’s Sunday Funday shirt.  Incredible name for wondrous garment.  Anything less would be less than fitting for these two powerhouses.  Hot weather can wilt the mightiest of teams, making this game more of a toss-up than the standings suggest.  Still, I have to mark it 4 -2 in favor of the Jolly Joe P’s.

Editor’s Note: With the NHL trading season in full swing, we asked our correspondents to grill their sources for news of impending deals in BTSH. Who’s most likely to be traded? Who’s getting a long term contract extension? And is it true that Peaches has sold the naming rights for Gut Rot to Franzia? “Box Wine” doesn’t pack quite the power of “Gut Rot” but according to our sources, it and several other big changes are looming in the league’s future.

Cobra Kai at Dark Rainbows
1:00 pm, Tompkins Square West
by Monica “She’s Never Coming Back!” Russo

This week’s theme is “trades.” As per SPL, we’re supposed to write about which trades the captains of the teams we’re writing about would make.

When it comes to deals, the Elves have got some hard questions to ask. After a red hot start the Smiling Sprites have cooled off significantly over the last few weeks. The big question? Is the problem in the front office or with the players on the court? There are some legendary tempers on the Green Goblins and some are wondering if Captain Rich Glanzer’s Tortorella style of management has had it’s day. Certainly, having Trevor “Haribo” Beauclair do post-game Tabata Squats after only scoring two goals in his last game was the low point of Richie’s coaching career. And his recent Anthony Weiner like posting of his torso across Facebook has many questioning if the Head Elf has finally lost it. But give the man a break. What other team could handle such diverse personalities as Luisa ‘the Surgeon” Mirarchi, Ben “the Barbariben” Chadwick and Jenna “Poison in the Locker Room” Cruff?

But as much as we feel for Rich, it’s clearly time for a change. Expect Glanzer, Courtney Mcbride and the rights to Ryan Nakahara to be traded to the Rehabs for Sena Ito and future considerations. New Captain Sarah Torenten will waste no time aping the Mathematics strategy. Expect her to begin recruiting the rest of the Valdes family and (in her words) “Giving Shaun time to heal emotionally.”

On the other hand, don’t expect the Butchers to be very active in the free agent market. This team’s whole reason for being is to hang out and play together. So trading a player would be like kicking someone out of their family. However, Beth Bruder’s recent signing by the Toronto Maple Leafs does leave a roster spot open. Expect Rachel Greene to pull off a surprise move and sign up UFA Meredith Danberg-Ficarelli. MDF has been honing her skills in the Lebanese Ball Hockey league and after hearing about the Glanzer trade, she’s a lock not to return to the Rehabs. MDF is a talented player but one who really cares more as much (if not more) about having a good time off the court as winning. In other words, a classic Butcher.

Of course, if none of this happens expect a 4-3 Elves shootout win.

Filthy Gorgeous at Fresh Kills,
1:00 pm, Tompkins Square West

It’s a bittersweet end to the first part of the season for the Filthys. For the first time in years, Dan Owens won’t be their regular goalie. So expect Monica “Front Office” Russo to be working the phones all through the summer break. Will she call up an untried rookie from some farm league? Or will she work backchannels to snare a keeper from another BTSH team? With no rights protection in the BTSH contracts anyone is fair game. Will she offer Craig LaCombe the dedicated club venue he’s always wanted (don’t be fooled Craig, that’s just James Periera’s apartment)? Will she swallow her pride and give James “Ramm” Stein the veto power over the roster that he requested when he was FG goalie years ago? Or will she start a Kickstarter campaign to get Suvin Malik Lasik surgery and the opportunity to step between the pipes? So many questions.

Meanwhile, FK Captain Dave Sokol has no worries. His Blue Bombers are operating like a finely tuned machine and he’s planning to kick back at his dacha with a hand-picked crew of Kills insiders. Even Vladmir Putin’s request to hide NSA leaker Edward Snowden in the basement isn’t going to spoil Dave’s holiday (although a surprise appearance by Nick Hobbs may bring down the mood somewhat). All in all, the Kills are poised for a great regular streak and a playoff collapse worthy of Patrick Barch’s heroes, the Pittsburgh Penguins.

Unfortunately for FG the playoffs are still quite a ways away. Look for a 6-2 pounding courtesy of Staten island’s finest.

Tompkins Square Riots at Dark Rainbows
2:00 pm, Tompkins Square West

Fresh off their first win of the season, most of the Riots are looking forward to getting one more game in and then recharging for the second half. Alas, it’s not to be. Team Captain Amy Jones has put together a rigorous schedule of community activism that will see the Riots permanently encamped at Tompkins Square for the next 21 days. She’s calling it “Occupy Glanzer” (which seems a little unfair to the actual BTSH commissioner Tim Brown) and if things go well, it will change the face of the league. Goalie equipment will only be made out of recycled material, Scott Townsend will be forced to put the entire league on his health insurance and the BTSH championships will be replaced by free elections (where we all get to vote on who should really win). With Laura MacNeil working as her Campaign Manager, don’t be surprised if you come back to a radically different street hockey league.

The Rainbows have been up and down this season but one thing has remained constant. No igloo for the Rainbows babies. We’re not sure why but we’re hoping that Sean takes advantage of the break to lead a team expedition to IKEA. If he works it right, they’ll have enough numbers to take over the entire bus to Red Hook (the Rainbows don’t use private transportation). Using the full storage capacity of their free transport, the Rainbows will finally be able to purchase the geodisic dome Sean has always wanted, allowing the return of Violet and all the other supporters who made the Rainbows great. 

But before all that happens these two have to play a hockey game. We’re predicting that in the spirit of worker’s brotherhood and free love, the teams will agree to split the victory. Look for a predetermined 3-3 tie and the most respectful game in BTSH so far this year.

Mega Touch at Poutine Machine
3:00 pm, Tompkins Square West

MegaTouch are already looking past this game to the trip to Hershey Park that Julie Katz promised at the start of the season. And that would be a problem if they were playing anyone but Poutine Machine.

Call it karma. Call it bad luck. But the French Fry fiends can’t buy a win this year. Like the 2013 Philadelphia Flyers they looked good on paper but nothing has worked for this squad.

If Poutine don’t come away with at least a tie in this one Patrick Larsen will have some hard decisions to make. Look for him to make a compliance buyout of his own contract and free agent acquisition Jerome Ramos to be sent back to the Elves. Perhaps he’ll even send goalie Tim Brown to Filthy Gorgeous for some high draft picks. It could be a busy offseason for the bleu et blanc. Does anyone know if Mark Messier is still looking for a coaching job?

Sky Fighters at Corlears Hookers
4:30 pm, Tompkins Square West

This would probably be a closer game if Martin “Czechca” and his countrymen hadn’t started summer vacation early. The Czechmates all took off for Prague yesterday to drink ridiculously cheap beer and teach a few hockey camps, leaving Dan Hopper’s ranks depleted. Meanwhile, the Hookers have shown a new commitment to attendance and fielding full squads for summer games. Whether this is due to Peter Putka’s promise that he would take them all to the Just for Laughs festival or the fact that Dustin removed the June, July and August pages from all of Danilo Biagioni’s datebooks, it’s working for them.

Expect the Hookers to continue to roll in a 4-1 victory. Just no one tell Danilo about Gcal, ok?

Mathematics at Gouging Anklebiters
5:30 pm, Tompkins Square East
by Bill “Recruiting for SXSW” Tucker

Summer.  Theme parks, beaches and the name of my sister’s dog.  When not sweltering in the Tompkins Square heat, the lads and lassies of BTSH scatter to the wind.  So how do the Gouging Anklebiters spend their summer vacation?  Music camp.  Being the resident rock stars of the league, what better way to spend a week than a boozy seven days banging away on guitars and drums.  Picture it.  Joe P on guitar, Phil Donahue singing into a half empty High Life bottle and Caroline taking out her trademark aggression on the skins.  Even the team’s name would look good on an album cover or tattooed on an adoring fans lower back.  Rock on, Blue and Gold.  Rock on.

Math, however, would spend their vacation in a more subdued manner.  Road trip to Andy Pratt’s new digs in San Francisco.  On the way, Derek will stop by the Hockey Hall of Fame, Amy Anderla will demand a tour of Wisconsin’s finest breweries and the Norris clan will continue to plan BTSH domination by recruiting fellow namesakes in every small town from Sheboygan to Kalamazoo.  Naturally, this fragmented itinerary will only leave enough time for drinks at Andy’s pad, sourdough bread in Ghirardelli Square and a team photo by the Golden Gate Bridge.  The Mathletes.  A true family through and through.

Dr. Hunter S. Tompkins Official Prediction:  Apollo’s heat pours down from the Lower East Side sky like lines and tracers after a potent acid trip.  The balanced play of the Biters at one end, the dynamic offense of Enigmatic Equations on the other.  When the dank and sweat clears from the court, Math will have played a tough game but the Anklebiters will remain the moist, stinky victors.  Score?  4 – 3.