Week 11 – Game Previews – Part 1
June 27th, 2013
Editor’s Note: It’s the dog days of BTSH. The weekends where the team with better attendance usually wins. And it becomes hard to tell goalies from homeless people (we hear Mike Tuckman made $50 in spare change last week). But fret not, ball chasers. After this Sunday, we’ve got a two-week break! In the spirit of the season we asked our correspondents to not only prognosticate on this week’s matchups but also find out what some of these teams plan for their summer vacation. The answers may surprise you!
Happy Little Elves at La Famiglia
1:00 pm, Tompkins Square East
by Abby “In the Know” Meisterman
Perhaps it’s Dave Ladayni’s absence that is hindering La Famiglia’s ability to rise in standings. It’s not a lack of talent, that’s for sure! This is a team that boasts Hanwaa Chau and Angela Vicari and Lisa Harrington. And everyone knows about Denis Micelleto’s wicked shot and Shafiq Perry. But perhaps that’s the problem: everybody knows! Perhaps the media has done them in.
That doesn’t seem to be affecting the Happy Little Elves, though. The roster is pretty well known for various reasons. (Heels, all of them heels!) Honestly, I thought the “Know Your Neighbor” feature had been retired, but a special edition was made just for Elves-fans’ favorite, T-Beau. Jenna Cruff and Ben Chadwick were even featured on CBS news! Perhaps the media is only fuel for their fire. If we ignore them, will they start losing?
Since this is a rematch of last week, it’s likely La Famigilia will be looking for revenge as they were beaten 5-3, with only Miceletto scoring. However, now that we’ve talked about both teams, it’s also likely we’ll see a repeat of the Elves pushing La Famiglia further down in the standings.
Editor’s Note: Since Abby completely ignored her assignment (typical), we’ll mention that most of the Fam will be attending their annual reunion. Like all of their events it’s mostly an opportunity to callously remove deadweight from the organization (just ask Dave “why’d you all bring tire irons to the team picnic” Ladanyi). Hopefully, the team will be able to curb their homicidal urges to mercy killing Ant Ventolieri and Brian Ferry.
The Elves are all decamping to Long Island, mainly due to the fact that Ben Chadwick started a rumor that Rich has a pool. In fact, it’s a the cover for a palace coup by Chadwick, Cruff and power behind the throne Gil Valdes. A word to the wise, Rich. There’s no such thing as a free pass to Action Park.
Rehabs at Lbs
2:00 pm, Tompkins Square East
By Rich”the $howtime Enabler”Glanzer
The Rehabs and Lbs. are two teams with vastly different skill sets. For instance, the Lbs. are really good at scoring and winning hockey games.
No, I’m not stupid. Maybe the Lbs. will give up a goal, maybe they wont, but they wont give up two. And Karstan, Ken and Sam are going to score, so my prediction is 3-1 for the Lbs.
As for the what the Rehabs will do for their summer vacation, I really don’t care since the Rehabs Suck. What I really want to know is who is the scoring leader in BTSH this season? Is it Jeff Kamen of the Demons, is it Mr. Double Hattrick Karstan, is it me? (Its not me!)
Editor’s Note: I take it back, Rich. That trip to Action Park sounds like just the ticket for you. It took us 9 weeks to fix standings so I don’t know why you think we’d have scoring stats before September. Let’s just assume that Karsten’s six-goal game has probably got him top of the charts. #GiveUsChadwickToo
Denim Demons at Gremlins,
3:00 pm, Tompkins Square Park West
by Eli “I Miss Camp” Kazin
Editor’s Note: This theme thing may not be working out. Game prediction, Eli? It’s the league’s hottest offensive player (Jeff K.) vs. the league’s hottest goalie. Look for the Demons to pick up another “W’ with a 4-2 victory.
Here’s what Gut Rot does on their summer vacation (for purposes of this exercise, we’ll assume that the entirety of Gut Rot is one entity):
4:30 pm, Tompkins Square Park East
by Monica “Cut the Crap” Russo
Has a baby
Editor’s Note: So that would be a 4-4 tie? Sure, let’s say that’s what it’s going to be.
Butchers at What the Puck,
5:30 pm, Tompkins Square Park West
We all know the Butchers don’t really try and win a game until around Week 16. Up to that point it’s really more about making Ben look good, not embarassing Eric and trying to keep Ashley “Mad Dog” McMasters from facing the DC or serious prison time.
Meanwhile, the WTP squad are usually worrying about whether it’s Mother or Father’s Day, a double header at Citifield, or the lawn needs mowing (all “legitimate”reasons team Captain Larry Zimmer has given as reasons to miss a game). Even Romeo is usually hanging out at the Jersey Shore to attend summer games (although giving us the awesome new MTV reality series “Romeo and Jwowette” really makes up for it).
In short, these two teams have been on summer vacation since Memorial Day.
Call it a 3-2 victory for WTP based on who’s in net for the Orange Crushes and how well Michelle’s wedding plans are going.
Goddammit, is it September yet?
Celebrate Canada Day With Jon Feldman
June 27th, 2013
The tradition continues… parties on both Sunday and Monday this year…
SUNDAY 6/30, noon til 9pm
MONDAY 7/1, 4pm til midnight
So come after your game on Sunday, or go there Monday for legit Canada Day.
$6 pints of Molson Canadian & Labatt Blue – on tap
$5 bottles of Molson Canadian & Labatt Blue
$6 Canadian Club and Seagrams mixers
$5 Poutine
~~~~~~ AS ALWAYS ~~~~~~
No cover charge.
Canadian tunes playing all day and night. (Playlist: spotify:user:feldmania:playlis
Free Canadian temporary tattoos and other swag giveaways.
Americans are welcome to come. Just no lame “eh” jokes.
Week 10 Full Boxscores
June 25th, 2013The special video we promised …
Fresh Kills 3 Lbs. 1
Kills goals by Ariel Imas, Alice Bertoni, & Gabe Chenard-Poirier
LBs. goal by (who else?) Karsten Pichon
Empty netter from the Kills puts the icing on their reversal of last year’s championship match.
Mega Touch 0 Tompkins Square Riots 2
Riots goals by Frederik Lund-Hansen & Vanck Zhu. Dave Gil De Rubio with the shutout.
Dave G’s shutout helps the Riots to their first win of the season.
Denim Demons 4 Poutine Machine 1
Demons goals by Zack Tinkelman (2), Jeff Kamen, Brian Kubovcik
Poutine goal by Ashish Nagpal
Demons roll over the still winless Poutine Machine. Rumors flying that Captain/Coach Patrick Larsen was about to replace himself with John Tortorella until today’s Vancouver announcement.
What the Puck 2 Skyfighters 1
WTP goals by Michelle Doucet & Mike Woodsworth
Skyfighters goal by Dan Hopper
M&M help WTP win a close one. Hopper sends Martin Cjecka on another scouting mission to Czech.
Cobra Kai 1 Butchers 3
Butchers goals by Chris DiMotta (2), Aynsley Cohen
Cobra Kai goal by Joseph Weissgold (?)
Learn to fill out a scoresheet refs!! We’re not sure if the game result or goals are right on this one but we do know the Butchers won.
Gut Rot 0 Gouging Anklebiters 5
Anklebiters goals by Alex Derhohannesian (2), Phil Donohue (2) & Courtney Butler. Tim Brown (on loan from Poutine Machine) with the shutout
Anklebiters continue to roll despite half their team being out on maternity leave.
Gremlins 3 Filthy Gorgeous 3 (T-SO)
Gremlins goals by ???
Filthy goals by Suvin Malik (2), Suz
Filthy bids farewell to Dan Owens & Caroline Currie with a tie against the Grems.
Rehabs 1 Corlears Hookers 3
Hookers goals by Sarah Newnam (2), Gavin Kearney
Rehabs goal by Sean Kirkham
The ‘Habs bring BTSH Hall of Famer Stacy kehoe out of retirement. But it’s not enough to stop the Hookers bulldozer.
Mathematics 4 Dark Rainbows 0
Math goals by Zach Norris (2), Sam Norris, Nick Tardiff. Showtime (on loan from some other team) with the shutout
Like Gretzky, Andy Pratt does not score in his last game before retirement. We blame the Norris family.
Happy Little Elves 5 La Famiglia 3
Elves goals by Luisa Mirarchi, Mike Pohlman (2), Boris (2)
La Famiglia goals by Denis Miceletto (3)
A natural hat trick by Miceletto is not enough against the Elves new Cold war strategy. Who is the mysterious Boris???
Week 10 Boxscores
June 24th, 2013Abbreviated post due to the Stanley Cup Finals.
Look for full writeups (and a very special video) later on tomorrow.
Fresh Kills 3 Lbs. 1
Mega Touch 0 Tompkins Square Riots 2
Denim Demons 4 Poutine Machine 1
What the Puck 2 Skyfighters 1
Cobra Kai 1 Butchers 3
Gut Rot 0 Gouging Anklebiters 5
Gremlins 3 Filthy Gorgeous 3
Rehabs 1 Corlears Hookers 3
Mathematics 4 Dark Rainbows 0
Happy Little Elves 5 La Famiglia 3
Week 10 – Game Previews – Part 2
June 21st, 2013
Gouging Anklebiters at Gut Rot
3:00 pm, Tompkins Square West
by Bill “Laissez Faire” Tucker
Note: Due to some personal issues involving a rhino, three parakeets and a sloth named Sugar Bear, Dr. Hunter S. Tompkins will be taking over for Bill in writing this week’s preview.
Zounds! Much like the Super Bowl, the World Series and the Culver Country Regional Dart Tossing Competition, Biters / Gut Rot is the pinnacle of sport. A grand display of alcohol tinged athleticism, this game isn’t so much a rivalry but the coming together of like-minded squads. Known for combining fine hockey skills with drunken hootenanny, the Gouging Anklebiters are the BTSH equivalent of Patrick Kane, without the fraternity style douchebaggery. With superstars like Joe. P and Sarah Moore providing the offense and the ever inebriated Craig tending the net, the Yellow and Gold have more than deserved their sparkling 6 -1 record. Not that they care.
Gut Rot has also seen some hockey success along with their legendary revelry. With a stifling defense and timely scoring led by Tom Caldwell, Tommy Cho and the Gilligans, Gut Rot is no longer the laughing stock of the league. Led by Annika “The Anvil” Sweetland, Heather “I Brew It, You Drink It” Aspegren and Diane “Screw The Tuques” Johnston, the Rotters feature one of the best female squads in BTSH. Despite the best efforts of goaltender Bill Tucker to ruin things by showing up hammered every week, the Smashing Stomach Biles have worked to a solid 3-4-1 record. Not that they really care.
And that’s the beauty of this game. Two teams, holding fast to the old school notion of good times before standings, Gut Rot / Anklebiters is what BTSH is all about. Maybe there will be whiskey shots at center court. Perhaps the goalies will face off. There’s a chance both teams give the game a miss and go out for Bloody Mary’s in the early summer sun. Whatever happens, this contest will be a shining example of exactly how to spend a Sunday chasing around a plastic orange ball.
Filthy Gorgeous at Gremlins
4:30 pm, Tompkins Square East
by Monica Russo
There are few pains greater than that of a woman losing her goalie.
Editor’s Note: Monica forgot to mention that Dan is also a competitive eater. I feel like this may be what he’s best remembered for.
Just kidding. If there’s such a thing as a trophy goalie, Dan-o is it. Everyone was jealous when Monica got him for Filthy and they all looked for similar qualities in their goalies. Talented. Reliable. Tall. Able to get Quebecois to shut up. Who wouldn’t want that on their team?
Dan-O and Caroline helped put the Gorgeous in Filthy Gorgeous and they made BTSH a better place to be every Sunday. Bonne Chance, mes amis!
Corlears Hookers at Rehabs
4:30 pm, Tompkins Square West
Hookers and Rehabs. It sounds like a TRU reality series. Or a Saturday night at Jon Feldman’s place (booya!).
But seriously, folks, there are teams in this league that can stop the buzzsaw that is the 2013 Corlears Hookers. Unfortunately you won’t find any of them outside the top division. And that includes the Boys and Babes in Black.
We’re not completely ruling out an upset (something the Rehabs are known for) but it is a long shot. With the Hookers realizing that they need some players to actually show up between May and September and the emergence of Danilo as their go to scorer, the wannabe Habs look pretty unstoppable.
Our prediction: Hookers 6 -Rehabs 2
Dark Rainbows at Mathematics
5:30 pm, Tompkins Square East
by Abby “I’m actually going to write about the game this week” Meisterman & Eli “Coachable”Kazin
Abby’s Take – Sooooo, Mathematics are 7-1. Not to say they didn’t always have talent, but I doubt a lot of you saw this coming all those years back.You go, Glen Coco… I mean, Mathletes.
But let’s talk about those Dark Rainbows for a second. The Rainbows have been in this league since 2004, won the championship in 2007, and then half the team went off and had families (or just felt maybe the time had come to talk of other things). The following season (2011) was rocky, as the team was cobbled together from players inside and out of the league and they finished at the bottom of the league. However, this season they’ve already won more games than they did the whole of last year. Goalie Ari Kipnis has been standing on his head, often garnering multiple shut-outs in one day. The Carson sisters have been reunited, proving confusing and challenging to opponents as they appear to be everywhere when both on the court. Many say that John Neilsen is unexpected so you’d think he’d be expected by now, yet his elusivity remains. Veterans Rudd and Brown consistently prove why 2007 was the Rainbows year. And though they’ve been plagued with injuries (foot surgery, ankle sprains, low attendance, back wrenching, hangovers, wedding attendance, etc.), the team has been soldiering on (and well).
The last time these two teams met was the season opener, with 3-4 to the Mathematics. But, to be fair, the Rainbows didn’t have their regular goalie and the Norris matriarch wasn’t on the court. Will Pratt want a win on his way out? Probably. Will the Rainbows want to even the score? Sure thing.
Eli’s Take – BTSH is currently comprised of 20 teams and close to 400 players, but back when the league started in the spring of 2000, it consisted of only seven teams and approximately 60 players. Just a handful of those 60 are still with the league today, and after Sunday, their ranks will dwindle further, as Andy Pratt, after 14 glorious seasons, has but one more game to play before moving to San Francisco. 14 seasons, let that sink in for a little bit. Back when BTSH started, the Columbus Blue Jackets, Minnesota Wild, Brad Richards, Marty Turco, and both Henrik and Daniel Sedin all had yet to play a game in the NHL, and Bill Clinton was still the president. Andy not only played during and after BTSH’s so-called “Golden Age”, but also before it, and was also one of the seven original captains. And yes, there is still one original captain left besides Andy. Bonus points if you can name him or her. The league has changed dramatically since its founding, but players like Andy are what connects the league of today to its simpler past.
Editor’s Note: When I joined the league in 2005, the floppy-haired Bandy player who scored all of Henry Motion’s goal was inarguably the most-talented player in the league. Through eight seasons I’ve had the pleasure of playing against Andy, occasionally playing with him on tournament & all-star teams, watching him become a husband and a dad, and having him as a friend. Andy’s a terrific hockey player. But more importantly he’s a terrific human being. he represents the best of BTSH and he will be sorely missed. Good luck to Andy, Sarah, Donovan and Elliott as they start the next chapter of their life in San Francisco!
La Famiglia at Happy Little Elves
5:30 pm, Tompkins Square West
by Rich “Tuques Forever!” Glanzer
I was asked to write about the Tuques vs. the Elves, but honestly, there is someone that can do it better. And its my good friend, the only person in the history of BTSH to play for the Tuques and the Elves, The Great (Bearded One) Brian Ferry! Now spoiler alert, I’m sure Brian is going to talk about the time when the Elves shocked the BTSH Universe and won their inaugural game (Elly calls it the true, “Miracle at Moffo”). And you should listen to Brian when he talks about that game, because its the truth. But that’s when you should stop listening. Because he’s a no-good freakin liar. Yes he’s a good friend but that doesn’t mean I like him. He’ll probably talk about a game in 2009 where he played net and they won 5-2. It NEVER happened!
No, the Tuques were still suffering from their 2008 loss and now the crippling injury to Brian has all but deflated them. Its not even going to be close, 4-3 Elves!
