Week 8 – Game Previews – Part 1
June 6th, 2013
Editor’s Note: We’re back and celebrating the upcoming Father’s Day holiday a little early with a tribute to the Dads in the league. Of course we hadn’t even started writing before controversy set in. Unnamed parties wanted to know why we didn’t do a similar tribute to the Moms (we salute them by actually spending time with them on Mother’s Day instead of playing hockey. But it’s a fair point and there will be a Mom tribute later in the season. Then of course there was this …
Rehabs at Butchers,
5:30 pm, Tompkins Square West
by Eli “I think I’m so funny” Kazin
Editor’s Note: You know, Eli – anti-Canadianism seems to be the last acceptable prejudice in New York City. But I wouldn’t have expected our own BTSH to be such a simmering cauldron of hatred. Yes, Canadians have the same Father’s Day as the USA. We also have cable television, running water and electricity. You know what we don’t have? An explanation for Celine Dion. But that’s our cross to bear, you arrogant prick.
We did the Father’s Day write-ups a week early so our staff and readers could spend Father’s Day week the way it was meant to be spent. Shopping for neckties and soap on a rope, talking to your Father for 5 uncomfortable minutes before he hands the phone to your Mom, and watching the Stanley Cup finals. Now go get your Dad that jumbo-sized bottle of Hai Karate, Eli. You ungrateful bastard!
What the Puck at Cobra Kai,
1:00 pm, Tompkins Square West
You know it’s tough to pick a team “Dad” when almost everyone on the team is a Dad. Woodsy, Zimms, those other guys. There’s no shortage of paternal pride on WTP. But really it goes back to the old saying, “Anyone can be a Father. It takes a real man to be a Dad”. Who does that old expression describe more than anyone else. Our old pal, Corey Winters. Not only has he regularly taken on babysitting responsibilities for the WTP farm team, he’s also always there to dispense fatherly wisdom to his teammates. Let’s face it, he’s the only thing that’s kept Gina Hackett out of jail the last couple of years. And he’s always there to post bail for Adam Skuse. Plus he looks like a natural in the new WTP team cardigans. Here’s to you, Papa Corey!
Meanwhile, Cobra Kai has been suffering form the pain of an absentee father. Was it something we did, Gregg Allman? Luckily there’s no shortage of team “uncles” to fill in for Greg while he finds himself. There’s “Drunk Uncle” Pete Lang who is kinda fun and kinda scary at the same time. “Jon Cryer in TWO AND A HALF MEN” Uncle Morgan Donninger who provides a much needed sense of stability. And “Danish Van Houten Uncle” Will Kuhns who is the player all the little Cobra Kais want to grow up to be. Kudos to this trio for keeping the family together until Gregg’s inevitable tear-stained reunion with the rest of the team (probably on a very special Maury).
As for the game, Real Dads beat Uncles, 3-1.
Mathematics at Tompkins Square Riots,
2:00 pm, Tompkins Square West
Sometimes, a Dad has to let his kids make their own mistakes. Give them enough room to grow and try new things but also be there to catch them when they fall. And to make sure they always feel special even when new family members come on the scene. Such is the role of Math team dad Andy Pratt. After deciding to settle down with fellow mather, Sarah Coombs, the young stud realized that he needed to handle things differently. That’s why he encouraged a young Derek Tagliarino to take his first halting steps as Captain. That’s why he never criticized the company that his boys kept (although he wished that Glanzer kid wasn’t around so much). And that’s why he’s made sure to pass the puck to Eli so many times this season (with all those Norris’ joining the family it would be easy for “Buster” to feel left out). That’s the kind of Dad, Andy is. A quiet, strong force that keeps his team on track and out of trouble. Even if it means he scores less goals than he used to.
TSR has a slightly different take on the father-figure. With “Moms” like Amy Jones, BR Rolya and Laura MacNeil (i.e. tough but fair, take no crap ladies that you wouldn’t want to cross), the TSR kids need a laid back, Jimmy Buffett type of Dad who doesn’t take things too seriously. We’re looking at you Craig Thompson. If Craig wasn’t playing with TSR every Sunday, he’d be sitting on a dock somewhere drinking vodka and apple juice and telling the kids not to swim out too far. Who could ask for anything more?
Game prediction: Andy’s going to treasure his last few weeks with the math before they part company. Expect love to triumph over laissez-faire and the Math to take this one 5-2.
Fresh Kills vs. the Tuques
3:00 pm, Tompkins Square East
by Rich”Tough Love” Glanzer
Corlears Hookers at Gut Rot,
5:30 pm, Tompkins Square East
by Monica “Old Softie” Russo
Patrick gave us a theme this week, which is a kind bone to throw at those of us who can’t ever think of anything to write.
Know Your Neighbor
May 30th, 2013
Name: Trevor Beauclair
Nickname: T-Beau
Rejected Nicknames: Beauclair Barrage, Big Baby, TB, Tre, T-Vor
Origin: Burlington, Ontario
College: Stonehill College
First Job: Jelly doughnut filler at the Mapleview Centre’s Tim Horton’s
Current Job: Analyst at CIBC
Early Aspirations: To be invited to the grown-ups table
Current Aspirations: To be invited to the grown-ups table
Favorite Things: The ladies, Nak, Toronto Maple Leafs, making fart noises with his armpit, a good lager
Least Favorite Things: Gary Bettman, mornings, wearing a bib, deoderant
Fast Fact: Trevor likes to order the Boy Wonder
when dining out at his favorite restaurant.
Hockey Comparison: Eric Staal
Non-Hockey Comparison: Steve Stifler
Best Known For: Making inappropriate comments towards the women of BTSH
Less (But Still Partly) Known For: Making inappropriate comments towards the men of BTSH
Guilty Pleasure: Watching Glee with Ryan Nakahara and a big tub of buttered popcorn
First celebrity Crush: Beckie Scott
First Concert: Barenaked Ladies, 24 November 2000
Reason to Love Him: He’s got some skills on the court and in the bar.
Reason to Hate Him: He has made at least one female you know very uncomfortable.
Things The Media Will Continue to Overhype About Him: That he’s a face…although even we’re starting to give up on that notion.
What His Teammates Say About Him: “He’s done some awful things, but I still love him.” – Jenna Cruff
Games Off, Glanzer/Stein Party On!
May 19th, 2013
GAMES ARE CANCELLED TODAY DUE TO RAIN FEARS!!
BUT PLEASE CHECK OUT THIS MESSAGE FROM THE COMMISH!
“On the upside we are still gonna party! Rangers on at 3pm at Ace with sound and Pens following. On top of that Glanzer/Stein birthday party will be in full affect with free pizzas and baked good courtesy of Jen from the Demons. I hope I can see most of you at ACE to celebrate and watch some awesome playoff hockey!”
Week 7 – Game Previews, Part 3
May 17th, 2013
Filthy Gorgeous at Corlears Hookers,
3:00 pm, Tompkins Square West
You know how James Periera always asks Monica which team he’s playing that week? And then responds “I hate those guys!” Well he actually means it when he’s talking about the Hookers. For years the Pretend Habs were the monkey on Filthy’s collective back. The team they couldn’t beat. The team that always knocked them out of the playoffs. It was like the mid- ’90s Islanders playing the mid-’90s Rangers. Lots of animosity but not a lot of hope for one side
But things have been different lately. Now it’s like the current Rangers-Islanders rivalry. Still full of hate and bile but much more even.
That’s why the Hookers are stepping up their game. They know FG is going to be pumped and their current record doesn’t reflect the quality of play they’ve been showing all season. The Purple People Eaters have actually had this date circled on their calendar for a while. That’s why team mastermind Al Huang paid both Carey Price and the Sedin twins to throw their series. He didn’t want Dustin or Peter to be distracted for this crucial game. Unfortunately his budget couldn’t be extended to include James Reimer and John Tavares. So Filthy’s deadly duo of Periera and Malik will be similarly focused.
Like the aforementioned Penguins-Isles series, we predict this one is going to come down to an unlikely goal from an unsung defender. For Filthy, our pick would be blueline stalwart Kamdyn Moore. For the Hookers, it will probably be veteran Jackie Spiegel.
This one is truly a coin toss, folks.
Fresh Kills at Skyfighters
4:30 pm, Tompkins Square East
Continuing our NHL theme, the deciding factor in this game will be who’s more broken up by the Canucks early first-round exit – Kills speedster Scott Lee or Skyfighters Netkeeper James Stein. Heads up to the Skyfighters – our reporters spotted Lee wearing a Columbus Blue Jackets t-shirt last night. When asked about it Lee replied, “This is my new team!”
Advantage – Fresh Kills
Butchers at Poutine Machine
4:30 pm, Tompkins Square West
Hey Derek and Eli. Did you forget to tell us it was rivalry day? Seriously. WTP vs. Demons. Math vs. HLE. FG vs. Hookers. And now this? There are going to be some spirited matchups this Sunday!
The two teams that rose from the ashes of the Mighty Squirrels (remember them) meet up again. While the Butchers knocked PM out of the playoffs a couple of years ago, there really isn’t that much bad blood between these squads. Assuming Whitney Garrabant and Ashley McMasters don’t end up lining up across from each other this should be a pretty relaxed game.
Poutine will be playing with some urgency as they’re still looking for that elusive first “W”. But the experienced Butchers squad tends to not really shift in to top gear until a week or two before the playoffs. As team sage and perennial scorer Georgine Paulin has noted “It only takes four wins to get the PBR Cup”. Wise woman, that Georgine.
That being said, there has never been a game between these two squads that hasn’t been super tight. This one is another coin toss, folks.
Rehabs at Tompkins Square Riots
5:30 pm, Tompkins Square East
The Riots are another team looking for their first victory. And given the *ahem* unpredictable nature of the Rehabs play, this may seem like a good opportunity for them to earn two points.
But bad news, TSR. The Rehabs love the late time slot. Whether it’s hangover recovery, certain lupine instincts kicking in or just the fact that no one is watching, the In Treatment gang shine as the sun goes down. You know what? Given their color scheme it’s probably some sort of vampire thing. I think I even saw Bryan Welch sparkle one time.
Bring your crosses and garlic, TSR. And content yourself in the knowledge that most fourteen-year old girls are on Team Frenette (not Team Feldman).
Gouging Anklebiters at LBS.
5:30 pm, Tompkins Square West
by Bill “the Smooth Wonder” Tucker
Curse those 5:30 games. Teams that played early are already stumbling out of Ace, the late day squads are on their way and attendance is historically less than stellar. Want a good reason to stick around the final game of the day? How about three:
1) The Best vs The Best – With the Anklebiters topping the Larsen Division (4th overall) and Llbs holding fast to the best record in the Bratta (2nd overall), this matchup features two of the hottest teams in BTSH. How hot? Combined, the Foot Nibblers and The Corporation have only two losses in ten games. This is going to be a phenomenal contest.
2) The Battle of The Old School ‘Tenders – Both keepers hearken back to the good ol’ days of Blacktop Street Hockey. Craig “The Bearded Wonder” LaCombe still rocks an old school Jason style mask and Seth “The Mylec Wonder” Watchell continues to rock the plastic pads of our street hockey youth. They also happen to be exceptional keepers, setting up a goalie battle of epic proportions.
3) Last Chance For Comfortable Day Dri…I Mean…Day Hockey Watching With Beverages in Paper Bags – In case you haven’t seen it, the weather report for Sunday looks to be a cloudy but comfortable 65 degrees, potentially our last chance to enjoy a game before the summer swelter kicks us all in our collective keisters. If you’re going to spend some time watching BTSH hockey, this is a great chance to do so.
Note: Since Cinco de Mayo, Dr. Tompkins has been missing in action. Known to go for weeks at a stretch without human contact, I can only assume he’ll turn up eventually. Until he returns, here is my prediction for this contest
Bill Tucker’s Official Prediction: Biters / Llbs is a battle between flash and consistency. While the Angry Puppies feature some of the league’s most explosive combatants, The Polo Shirted Donald Trumps are as disciplined and opportunistic as their namesake. While I always go with the hungrier, more alcoholically motivated team, the Llbs might be too solid of a wall for the Biters to topple. 3-1 in favor of The Corporation.
Week 7 – Game Previews, Part 2
May 16th, 2013
Mega Touch at Gut Rot,
1:00 pm, Tompkins Square East
by Abby “Phoning It In” Meisterman
Perhaps it is the booze that’s fueling Gut Rot! Last we saw the bootleggers, they were celebrating their first victory of the year against Poutine Machine. Though it cannot be confirmed (or hasn’t been at the time of this writing), it seems as if Ellery Gillette scored both their goals. Unfortunately for Liza Watts, this means she lost the bet and is now required to name her unborn child after the street hockey wunderkind. When asked if she would be keeping her promise, Watts replied “at least it wasn’t Mike or Larry.”
Mega Touch was less successful on Cinco de Mayo, as the Dark Rainbows kept a tight defense against the Katz-Bratta line and were coached to “guard anyone wearing striped–hockey-socks.”* There is far more talent on this team than just the aforementioned, but they tend to be unidentifiable when wearing hammerhead costumes or dressed as monkeys.** But there’s an idea: perhaps all Mega Touch team-members should appear in costumes so as to confuse their opponents!
Things to expect: A solid, well-matched game.
Things to hope for: The creepiest cosplay ever.
* This is a perfectly valid direction.
** Why don’t I recall this video being filmed in Paris?!
Gremlins at Dark Rainbows,
1:00 pm, Tompkins Square East
by Monica “In those days nickels had pictures of bumblebees on them” Russo
This should be fun.
What the Puck at Denim Demons,
2:00 pm, Tompkins Square East
All right, none of the above may actually be true.
But I swear I saw Sal Malguarnera post something on Facebook about placing a bounty on Lena Moy-Borgen earlier on this week. I’m just sayin’.
Cobra Kai at La Famiglia,
2:00 pm, Tompkins Square West
Speaking of old rivalries, look who’s back at it again. The Kai are looking to build on their first victory of the season but La Famiglia have other plans. After a mixed start, the Denis and Shafiq show is back in full swing and they’re looking to light up Cobra Kai goalie and right-wing radio personality Pete Lang. But for once, this isn’t all about the Batman and Robin of street hockey.
That’s because this week marks the 100th league game of Dr. Alfred “the Surgeon” Liu (Editor’s note: this fact is totally made up. I don’t even know if Alfred is playing this week). The street hockey equivalent of Teemu Selanne, Liu has been the heart and soul of the Family ever since the days when they were named after Canadian hats. Applying complex scientific principles to what some would argue is merely a fun Sunday afternoon past time, Liu was able to discover that drinking three hi balls worth of bourbon before each game would prime his body for optimum street hockey performance. And he’s used that knowledge to quietly score key goals for the Outfit at crucial times in their history. In fact, many blame the Cosa Nostra’s early playoff exits in the past two years on former Captain Dave Ladanyi’s insistence that Alfred tinker with that winning formula. Note to the Dynamic Duo and Haanwa (who’ve taken over the “C”) – don’t try to fix what isn’t broken.
We’re hoping that the Family steps up and presents the good Doctor with a sterling silver street hockey blade (or at least a dirty shot glass full of Old Grandad) before this week’s game. Even if they don’t, we’ll be banging our sticks and tipping our helmets to one of Tompkins Square Park’s all-time greats.
Here’s to you, Dr. Alfred Liu!
