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This year Derk & Elly decided that their little team of Mathletes were ready to play against the big boys. I mean no offense but c’mon guys. You may play in the Glanzer Division, but you my friends…don’t belong on the same rink with me, Beauclair, Big Mike, Budnick or Gil’s son. Yes, I know, last year you beat us in a shootout when we were basically on our August break. It was a season making victory for you to be sure, but we all felt like we just donated money to charity when you won. In fact, after we lost to you, when some poor 7-year-old girl with one leg asked me to help her cross the street, I kicked her leg out and told her, “I already gave to charity this year…son.” True story.

So tell Becky Norris to tell her mother to bring her dancing shoes, because after we beat you on the holy grail of TSP’s East Court, I’m going to have a dance off with Zack’s, Becky’s, their brother Daryl’s, and their other brother Daryl’s mother. And I’m going to beat her too…because Richie Hero doesn’t lose on the rink, or on the dance floor. WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! 

Because we are the Happy….Little…..Elves….4 Lyfe!! 
Elves 5 Math 2. I prove why I’m a hero and score my first goal of the season. 

GAME OF THE WEEK

Fresh Kills at Denim Demons
Tompkins Square West, 1:00 PM

Kills have been lighting it up lately and it would be easy to focus on the prodigious scoring talent of Ariel Imas, the blinding speed of Scott Lee and the staggering Russianness of Dave Sokol. But that’s not how Fresh Kills is rolling the rest of the league. It’s all about the defense. Goalie Patrick Barch’s GAA is sitting at an even 1.0 after 5 games. He’s a top quality netkeeper but that also says a lot about the solid “D” that’s playing in front of him.

They’ll need that strong defense against a Demons squad that posts some of the most dangerous scorers in the league. Zack, Jeff, Mike and co. were shut down pretty effectively by the Purple People Eaters last week but it may be expecting too much for the Kills to keep that lightning bottled up two weeks in a row. Ultimately, the key factor in this matchup may be Demons Captain Adam Rubens. He has the tools and the talent to employ several different strategies. If he decides to play shutdown hockey, we expect the Kills to have a slight edge. But if he opts for run and gun offense, it’s anyone’s game.

One thing’s for sure. Both goalies will see more shots than Ellery after a Capitols victory.

The ORG predicts a 4-4 tie and some entertaining hockey to start off Week 6. Booya!

Corlears Hookers at LBS.
Tompkins Square West, 2:00 PM
By Eli “Data” Kazin

Who are these Corlears Hookers? Fan favorite Brendan “Dutch” Kearney lives in the Dominican Republic. Team veterans Jason Eitel and Josh Sadlier-Brown have not been showing up, while longtime alternate Danilo Biagioni has. Newcomers John Wolff, Sam Marton, and Daniello Martin have been lighting up the scoreboard. Who is Daniello Martin you ask? We’re not really sure if he or she is in fact real, or some magical combination of Danilo and Sam, or just a typo synonymous with Rich Glanzer. But, despite all this turnover, the results have been the same as past seasons. The Hookers have four wins to just one overtime loss, and sit near the top of the standings.

The defending champions, meanwhile, seem to keep the same roster year after year. But let’s be honest, when we say LBS, Inc., the first two players that should come to mind for most are Karsten and Ken. These two scoring dynamos have been aces this season, accounting for all but one of the Corporation’s goals. The one goal not scored by either of them was from Tommy, back in Week 2, and no one has seen or heard from him since. So that being said, my pick is LBS, Inc. 3, Corlears Hookers 1…with all of the Corporations’ goals from Karsten and Ken, of course.

Tompkins Square Riots at Cobra Kai
Tompkins Square East, 3:00 pm

The good news? After this match one of these teams will no longer be winless. Unless it ends in a tie, of course. Stranger things have happened. I once saw TSR defensive stalwart Scott Townsend kill another man in an underground fight club in Laval. That man was actually named Rem Garavito. Afterwards, a blonde kid stole his wallet. He now plays for Cobra Kai. True story.

Happy Little Elves at What the Puck
Tompkins Square East, 4:30 PM

So some of you (and by “some of you” I mean the entire Elves team) may have noticed we’re having a problem with the standings on the site. If things were working properly you would see the Elves at the top of the standings, the only team not to lose or tie a game this season. It’s a remarkable run and has led some to wonder if the Elves can be beat this year. The answer, of course, is yes. And because we love WTP (especially their farm team) we’re going to tell everyone how to do it.

1) Cover anyone named Valdez. BTW it’s a little known fact that the Spanish word for “Beauclair” is also Valdez. If you can shut these guys down, the Elves will have to rely on Ben Chadwick for scoring. Ben scores one goal per year and he usually waits until the fall to do it. So you should be okay.

2) Win in regulation time. The Elves are masters of the shootout (the most evil invention of our time). Don’t give them the opportunity.

3) WTP is tall. Jenna Cruff is not. Make sure that Mike Woodsworth stands in front of her, whenever she’s playing “D”. You can’t stop what you can’t see.

It really is that simple. Now go make it happen WTP.

Prediction: WTP 3 Elves 2 (unless it goes to a shootout)

La Famiglia at Gouging Anklebiters
Tompkins Square West, 5:30 pm

by Bill “Torn Between Two Lovers” Tucker

“Meet the old beat, same as the new beat”

There’s been a ton of stories in this young BTSH season.  The Norris Invasion.  JenniGlanzer.  Some guy named Oliver who plays for the Skyfighters.  Lost in the hoopla has been the steady play of La Famiglia, who has gone 3 – 2 in the opening five.  While my egotistical side may attribute this zen-like calm to not being previewed each week by drunken madman, BTSH statisticians will point to the dynamic duo of Shafiq “Off Black” Perry and Dennis “Kid Dynamite” Miciletto.  With the street hockey equivalent of Jules Winnfield and Vincent Vega providing the offense and team stalwart Tim Kayiatos between the pipes, look for the former Tuques to continue sneaking up in the standings.

 The being said, the Yellow and Red face their toughest challenge yet in my new beat, the Gouging Anklebiters.  Phil “Have Another High Life” Donahue has himself a team that does everything well. Timely scoring?  Check.  Stiffling defense?  Double Check.  A fun living goaltender who bares a passing resemblance to Geoffrey Rush from Pirates of the Carribean.  Maybe if you squint a bit.  Or a lot.  After a nail biting defeat at the hands of the best team in the league thus far, the ‘Biters are hungry for a return to their winning ways.  It’s new beat against old beat and this journalist is so excited, he’s getting nauseous.  Either that, or I’ve been hanging with Dr. Tompkins a bit too much.

Dr. Hunter S. Tompkins’ Official Prediction: For the first time since the birth of our flimsy journalistic alliance, Tucker and I toasted our writing relationship over bohemian style brews and playoff hockey.  Methinks Bill is still toasted.  Despite fond memories of making Famiglia predictions under the influence, nostalgia cannot be allowed to rule the day.  Mark it 4 -2 in favor of the Anklebiters. 

Mathematics at Butchers,
1:00 pm, Tompkins Square East

Hey Rangers fans. Remember in ’94 how everybody was so excited about Messier, Leetch, and that young phenom Alexi Kovalev. Did any of them score 52 goals that year? The answer is no. But Adam Graves did. What’s the lesson here? Don’t ignore guys named Adam.

While the press has been all over the Norris family, hall of famer Andy Pratt and Eli “MVP” Kazin, Adam Langer has been quietly putting in goal after goal for the Greyshirts. Probably time for other teams’ defensemen to make note of that. I’m talking to you Ashley. I know BTSH is a non-contact league but that doesn’t mean you can’t find a creative way to shut him down.

Meanwhile, the rest of the Butchers will be recovering from last week’s metaphorical and literal hangover. Look for co-Captain Rachel Greene to tap into Georgine Paulin’s inside knowledge to find some cracks in the Math offensive juggernaut. We suspect the answer may be targeting the flowing locks of the Math squad. If anyone has noticed Zach or Andy’s hair length lately, they’ll know that it takes a fair amount of product for those guys to even see the ball. A little humidity, a little static electricity, and it could all go the Butchers way. As Creamy is fond of saying “Beards don’t frizz.” It’s an expression full of truth but we still don’t think it will catch on as the new Butchers cheer.

We see Math winning this one in a shootout, 4-3. But (sadly) Eli’s point streak ends here.

Rehabs at Gremlins
2:00 pm, Tompkins Square East

We know what you’re expecting. These two teams have storied histories … blah, blah, blah. Gremlins shouldn’t get wet after midnight … blah, blah, blah. Rehabs miss Kehoe and Meredith … blah, blah, blah.

Want to know why you should really watch this game? Because it features the two whitest players in the league (who aren’t me or a member of LBS), John Walker and Bryan Welch. And it’s going to be very sunny on Sunday. If you position yourself right, you should be able to see these two literally cook on the Tompkins Square ashphalt. Several pools are already running as to who will turn redder. And there’s a lot of side action on whether the cage that John wears will give him grill patterned sunburn across most of his face. 

Which player will crack first? Eagerly awaiting the answer is Julie “Team Mom” Katz who will be standing at the ready with 45 SPF sunscreen and aloe, that she’s willing to trade for a second-line scorer. I forget, Showtime. Have you played for MegaTouch already?

Filthy Gorgeous at Skyfighters
3:00 pm, Tompkins Square West
by Rich “Just the Facts” Glanzer

Well this is awkward.

Dark Rainbows at Mega Touch
4:30 pm, Tompkins Square East

In the old days, this would have been a chill fest. We’d be writing about how laid back both teams are and how they would play this game with a spirit of friendship and love. These days, not so much.

As Rainbows Captain Sean Reynolds announced on his team page, he’s putting the “Dark” in Dark Rainbows this year. One suspects the influence of Abby “Do I look like I’m kidding?” Meisterman who has started harnessing the dark rituals she learned during her time with the Demons to build up the Pink Puck Pushers. It’s a good thing there isn’t a Fairytale Cup this year. Because the Rainbows would be handing out some poison apples.

Only, goalie Ariel “I Can’t Stop Smiling” Kipnis and Mike “the Dude” Dudelovitch seem immune to this corrupting influence (Although to be fair to Abby, it didn’t take much to push John Nielsen and Brice Rosenbloom to the dark side).

Playing the light to the Rainbows dark are Mega Touch, who have retained their almost childlike innocence while putting up some impressive performances. Lost in the furor over Math’s offensive performance last week was the fact that the Uber Feelers managed to put four goals past the man mountain that is Will Galaghan. That’s impressive. 

But it will take the wolf among the sheep, Eric Devlin, to shutdown this Rainbows squad. If Devlin brings the hate (i.e. if the Leafs beat the Bruins on Saturday) expect this one to go either way. But if the better angels of Eric’s nature win out expect the DRs to crush the Super Caressers like Sauron crushed the Elvin army at … (damn I’m no good at this LORD OF THE RINGS stuff. Should have given this writeup to Abby or Liza Watts).

Gut Rot at Poutine Machine
5:30 pm, Tompkins Square East
by Abby “Raise Your Glass” Meisterman