btsh.org

GAME OF THE WEEK
Fresh Kills at Gouging Anklebiters
4:30 pm, East Court
by Anklebiters Beat Reporter Bill “Smooth” Tucker

Want the secret to firing up a team’s top scorer?  Give him bad press.

If last week’s two goal performance against Filthy Gorgeous is any indication, a minor callout to Joe P’s lack of production is like poking a jungle cat with the business end of a cattle prod.  The Biter’s sniper was masterful in leading his squad to a 4-1 victory over the short benched Dirty Pretties.  Lesson learned, dear reader.  Lesson learned.  In fact, to help my newfound beat to victory this week, I’ll offer the following taunts:  Shelly Maasdrop is a Gut Rot leaving carpetbagger, Peter Prohaska is a poopy-headed scalawag and the track suit Zach sported last week did nothing for his signature ‘stache .  Look for those three players to have banner performances in Week 5.

Sadly, that may not be enough against a Fresh Kills team so laid back, sticks and stones barely hurt them.  The So Fresh And So Kill, Kills have coasted through the first quarter of the season with a sparkling 4 -0 record and an astounding 15 to 3 goal differential.  Crazy thing is, they don’t even seem to be trying.  Nick Hobbs has one foot out of the country, Patrick Barch has been seen snoozing in his goal crease and even captain Dave Sokol seems more interested in Ace Bar trivia than the fortunes of the Murderous Febreezes.  Luckily for Dave, when you have Ariel Imas putting up hat tricks like Gretzky in his heyday, the rest of the team can take a powder.  Fans who stick around for this 4:30 matchup will not need their smelling salts.  This is going to be a good one.

Dr. Hunter S. Tompkins Official Prediction:  The world works in mysterious ways.  One minute, you’re on the M15 heading uptown, the next you’re in a Nebraskan cattle field fleeing for your life from a rabid wolverine.  What exactly were those mushrooms and why is the world spinning like Ally Sheedy and that damn robot from Short Circuit.  But I must prevail in the pure spirit of Gonzo journalism.  Biters with the win by a score of 15 to -2.  Give or take a field goal.

Skyfighters at Happy Little Elves
1:00 pm, West Court

The Elves are on a four game winning streak and sit happily in the #2 spot in the rankings. Only the juggernaut that is Fresh Kills has posted a better record than Team Green. It’s an impressive enough start that some on the team are talking championship (And wouldn’t that be something? An Elves championship?Who can remember the last time they even came close? Or even won an imaginary trophy. Rich, help me out here.). Yes the Elves are indeed happy. But like all fairytales (or Fairytale Cups) it must come to an end. And the Skyfighters are just the team to do it.

While the Cloud Punchers have had a fairly easy early schedule, they’ve also hung in for some gritty wins. In fact, they’re also showing the kind of form that won them a BTSH championship a while back. And it’s not just the Czech/Slovak national team any more. Yehuda and Olivier are a potent offensive pair and team Captain Dan Hopper is providing a Ryan Callahan-like mix of agitation, scoring and leadership.

In the end this may come down to the one on one battles. And with Martin manning the blueline for the Celestial Grapplers don’t expect Gil to be putting up three points this week.

Our prediction: Skyfighters 3, Happy Little Elves 2 (OT). 

Our other prediction: The loss will break apart the fragile Elves locker room, leading to Trevor Beauclair being appointed Captain, Jenna Cruff joining the Butchers, Ben Chadwick defecting to Poutine Machine and Rich Glanzer taking an internship at Vogue.

La Famiglia at Poutine Machine
2:00 pm, West Court
by Abby “Qu’est-ce qu’un deadline?” Meisterman

Abby ambitiously chose to write this preview in both Italian and Canadian French. She was last spotted boarding an Air Canada flight to Montreal with Rem Garavito and JoAnn Provencher. After the ORG told her we would not be reimbursing her for this “research” she stopped responding to our e-mails.

Dark Rainbows at Rehabs
3:00 pm, East Court

If BTSH had an “Original Six”, these two teams would be in it. And while they may not be quite the powerhouses they were in years past, both sides can still bring it. But do they really want to? How many times have Bryan Welch and John Nielsen battled each other. How many times has Sean Reynolds called Jon Feldman an asshole? They need something to bring a little fire to this matchup. And it’s name is $howt!me.

That’s right. Hector “I’ve Sent You a Friend Request” Melendez is a Rehab once again. But before that he was a Rainbow (and a Unicorn and …). And if you’re part of the DR collective you’ve got to feel bad that you were his rebound team. He said he was over the Rehabs. He said he was tired of the constant mockery and people misspelling his name (it’s Showtime with a dollar sign, dammit!). Was that all just lies? was he really still in love with the Black and Red all that time. Did he long to be told “Rehabs Suck” one more time?

Apparently yes.

Act accordingly, Dark Rainbows. But please don’t let Alex Zabala score just to make Hector jealous. You’re better than that.

Corlears Hooker at Denim Demons
5:30 pm, East Court

For many in the league, this is the street hockey equivalent of one of those ALIENS VS. PREDATOR movies. You can’t really cheer for either protagonist, you just want to see some cool violence and kill a couple of hours. Shame on you for thinking that league.

This could very easily have been our game of the week. Both teams are stunningly deep benched (Hookers could have Eitel, Kearney and Sarah on the second line!) but the real story here is a showdown between two of the league’s best players. We’ve written at length about the scoring touch that Jeff Kamen has found this season but somehow the Hookers’ Tiffany is still flying under the radar (despite a couple of seasons in the league and a knack for scoring clutch goals). Both teams defense will have their work cut out for them.

This one could be a barnburner, folks. Go to ACE but come back and watch what could be one of the best BTSH games of the year.