Week 5-Game Previews, Part 2
April 25th, 2013
GAME OF THE WEEK
Fresh Kills at Gouging Anklebiters
4:30 pm, East Court
by Anklebiters Beat Reporter Bill “Smooth” Tucker
Want the secret to firing up a team’s top scorer? Give him bad press.
If last week’s two goal performance against Filthy Gorgeous is any indication, a minor callout to Joe P’s lack of production is like poking a jungle cat with the business end of a cattle prod. The Biter’s sniper was masterful in leading his squad to a 4-1 victory over the short benched Dirty Pretties. Lesson learned, dear reader. Lesson learned. In fact, to help my newfound beat to victory this week, I’ll offer the following taunts: Shelly Maasdrop is a Gut Rot leaving carpetbagger, Peter Prohaska is a poopy-headed scalawag and the track suit Zach sported last week did nothing for his signature ‘stache . Look for those three players to have banner performances in Week 5.
Sadly, that may not be enough against a Fresh Kills team so laid back, sticks and stones barely hurt them. The So Fresh And So Kill, Kills have coasted through the first quarter of the season with a sparkling 4 -0 record and an astounding 15 to 3 goal differential. Crazy thing is, they don’t even seem to be trying. Nick Hobbs has one foot out of the country, Patrick Barch has been seen snoozing in his goal crease and even captain Dave Sokol seems more interested in Ace Bar trivia than the fortunes of the Murderous Febreezes. Luckily for Dave, when you have Ariel Imas putting up hat tricks like Gretzky in his heyday, the rest of the team can take a powder. Fans who stick around for this 4:30 matchup will not need their smelling salts. This is going to be a good one.
Dr. Hunter S. Tompkins Official Prediction: The world works in mysterious ways. One minute, you’re on the M15 heading uptown, the next you’re in a Nebraskan cattle field fleeing for your life from a rabid wolverine. What exactly were those mushrooms and why is the world spinning like Ally Sheedy and that damn robot from Short Circuit. But I must prevail in the pure spirit of Gonzo journalism. Biters with the win by a score of 15 to -2. Give or take a field goal.
Skyfighters at Happy Little Elves
1:00 pm, West Court
The Elves are on a four game winning streak and sit happily in the #2 spot in the rankings. Only the juggernaut that is Fresh Kills has posted a better record than Team Green. It’s an impressive enough start that some on the team are talking championship (And wouldn’t that be something? An Elves championship?Who can remember the last time they even came close? Or even won an imaginary trophy. Rich, help me out here.). Yes the Elves are indeed happy. But like all fairytales (or Fairytale Cups) it must come to an end. And the Skyfighters are just the team to do it.
While the Cloud Punchers have had a fairly easy early schedule, they’ve also hung in for some gritty wins. In fact, they’re also showing the kind of form that won them a BTSH championship a while back. And it’s not just the Czech/Slovak national team any more. Yehuda and Olivier are a potent offensive pair and team Captain Dan Hopper is providing a Ryan Callahan-like mix of agitation, scoring and leadership.
In the end this may come down to the one on one battles. And with Martin manning the blueline for the Celestial Grapplers don’t expect Gil to be putting up three points this week.
Our prediction: Skyfighters 3, Happy Little Elves 2 (OT).
Our other prediction: The loss will break apart the fragile Elves locker room, leading to Trevor Beauclair being appointed Captain, Jenna Cruff joining the Butchers, Ben Chadwick defecting to Poutine Machine and Rich Glanzer taking an internship at Vogue.
La Famiglia at Poutine Machine
2:00 pm, West Court
by Abby “Qu’est-ce qu’un deadline?” Meisterman
Abby ambitiously chose to write this preview in both Italian and Canadian French. She was last spotted boarding an Air Canada flight to Montreal with Rem Garavito and JoAnn Provencher. After the ORG told her we would not be reimbursing her for this “research” she stopped responding to our e-mails.
Dark Rainbows at Rehabs
3:00 pm, East Court
If BTSH had an “Original Six”, these two teams would be in it. And while they may not be quite the powerhouses they were in years past, both sides can still bring it. But do they really want to? How many times have Bryan Welch and John Nielsen battled each other. How many times has Sean Reynolds called Jon Feldman an asshole? They need something to bring a little fire to this matchup. And it’s name is $howt!me.
That’s right. Hector “I’ve Sent You a Friend Request” Melendez is a Rehab once again. But before that he was a Rainbow (and a Unicorn and …). And if you’re part of the DR collective you’ve got to feel bad that you were his rebound team. He said he was over the Rehabs. He said he was tired of the constant mockery and people misspelling his name (it’s Showtime with a dollar sign, dammit!). Was that all just lies? was he really still in love with the Black and Red all that time. Did he long to be told “Rehabs Suck” one more time?
Apparently yes.
Act accordingly, Dark Rainbows. But please don’t let Alex Zabala score just to make Hector jealous. You’re better than that.
Corlears Hooker at Denim Demons
5:30 pm, East Court
For many in the league, this is the street hockey equivalent of one of those ALIENS VS. PREDATOR movies. You can’t really cheer for either protagonist, you just want to see some cool violence and kill a couple of hours. Shame on you for thinking that league.
This could very easily have been our game of the week. Both teams are stunningly deep benched (Hookers could have Eitel, Kearney and Sarah on the second line!) but the real story here is a showdown between two of the league’s best players. We’ve written at length about the scoring touch that Jeff Kamen has found this season but somehow the Hookers’ Tiffany is still flying under the radar (despite a couple of seasons in the league and a knack for scoring clutch goals). Both teams defense will have their work cut out for them.
This one could be a barnburner, folks. Go to ACE but come back and watch what could be one of the best BTSH games of the year.
Week 5 – Game Previews, Part 1
April 24th, 2013
LBS at What the Puck
1:00 pm, East Court
by Eli “Give Me Five Bees for a Quarter” Kazin
Back when Derek and I ran the website, a time Dave Ladanyi refers to as the Golden Age of BTSH editorial content, we assigned a watchability rating to each game.
If you aren’t familiar with the watchability rating, or don’t recall it all that well, just go ask Eric Devlin about it. He was probably the biggest fan of this system that the BTSH universe was overwhelmingly clamoring for, which ranked games on a scale of 1 (not watchable at all) to 5 (can’t miss). If the watchability scale was still used, this game would get a rating of 5 Limonics, Wachtells, Capotostas, Vrooms, Starks, Malguarneras, or the pluralized last name of any other player we might want to give a token mention. Of course, that player’s last name couldn’t end in an “S”, as that made pluralization quite difficult. Sometimes, we’d even throw in the pluralized version of a nickname, like Mad Dogs or Alpha Males, as a minor deviation from the norm. Man, I’m getting nostalgic for the old watchability scale.
But back to the point…this game is going to be good. I’m giving it to the defending champs in a taut defensive battle.
LBS, Inc. 2, What The Puck 1.
Cobra Kai at Filthy Gorgeous
2:00 pm, East Court
by Rich “Brad Paisley” Glanzer
Butchers at Gut Rot
3:00 pm, West Court
In their first year the Butchers were seen as “Gut RotGetting Serious”. They’d still represent at the bar but they were all business on the court and even somewhat douchey. The recruitment of agitators like Arnold and Georgine only served to cement that reputation. But fast forward a couple of years and the Butchers have grown to resemble their progenitors. Double B, Creamy and Co. seem more concerned about perfecting their ZZ Top tribute band than putting up “W”s these days. Meanwhile, inspired by not finishing last in the league in 2012, a fired up Gut Rot squad has been playing hard, kicking ass and taking names. Tommy is a scoring force, Worky is sporting a Mark Messier half-tough/half-crazy glare at the start of every game and even Mary is throwing gang signs on the sidelines.
BTSH experts predict it’s only a matter of time before these two teams merge to form a street hockey behemoth that’s part Jimmy Buffett/part Matt Cooke. In the meantime, look for a close match here. The deciding factor will probably be the previous day’s Charity Tournament. If Rachel Green holds true to form and uses multiple rounds of shots to assist with her fundraising efforts, GR may just have an edge here.
Tompkins Square Riots at Gremlins
4:30 pm, West Court
As last week’s writeup showed, the Gremlins are still an unknown force to many in the league. But the veteran core of Ryan, Mark, Caitlin, and Iannis makes them competitive every game. Meanwhile, the Riots have solved the attendance problems that have plagued them in year’s past and are giving teams like the Hookers a run for their money. With Blohme, Frenette and new addition Laura providing some spark on offense, expect TSR to be receiving a lot more press as the season continues.
We’re big fans of Luke’s Leathernecks but we have to give the edge on this one to Amy’s Army.
Riots 3, Gremlins 2.
PS: Somebody watch this game!!
Mathematics at Mega Touch
5:30 pm, West Court
by Monica “Moneyball” Russo
Week 4 Photos
April 23rd, 2013
Week 4 Boxscores
April 22nd, 2013
Rehabs 2, Gut Rot 2 (OT-SO)
Rehabs goals by Bryan Welch & Jeff N. Gut Rot goals by Tom & Scott
The Rotters earn their first point of the season after a scoreless shootout.
What the Puck 2, Dark Rainbows 1
WTP goals by Tom McDonald and Adam Skuse. Dark Rainbows goal by John Nielsen.
WTP refuses to acknowledge that Adams goal scoring cheer “‘Skuse Me” might be slightly racist.
Gouging Anklebiters 4, Filthy Gorgeous 1
Biters goals by Alex Owen (2) & Joe Polowczuk (2). Filthy goal by unknown.
Joe. P breaks out of his scoring slump against a short-benched FG team.
Fresh Kills 4, Mega Touch 1
Kills goals by Ariel Imas (3) & Dave Sokol. Mega Touch goal by Eric Devlin.
A natural hatty for Ariel Imas. Who does he think he is? Georgine?
LBS. 3, Mathematics 2
LBS. goals by Karsten Pichon & Ken Poulin (2). Math goals by Eli Kazin & Sam Norris.
Math lose but Eli’s scoring streak continues. MVP! MVP!
Corlears Hookers 2, Tompkins Square Riots 1
Hookers goals by Gavin Kearny & John Wolff. TSR goal by Fredrik Lund-Hansen.
The Purple People Eaters squeak out a victory against a surprisingly tough Riots squad.
Butchers 2, Gremlins 0
Butchers goals by ben Bloom & Gary Cohen. Shutout by Eric Ramirez.
Ramirez was the only goalie to keep a clean sheet this week.
Denim Demons 2, La Famiglia 1
Demons goals by Jeff Kamen (2). La Famiglia goal by Eric Fortin.
Maybe the Hookers should triple-team Jeff Kamen?
Happy Little Elves 3, Poutine Machine 1
Elves goals by Gil Valdez (3). Poutine goal by Farouk Talakshi.
Gil records a natural hatty too. Glanzer looking to duplicate Mat’s “Norris strategy” by recruiting more Valdezes.
Skyfighters 3, Cobra Kai 1
Skyfighters goals by Robert Kucera, Yehuda Bloom and Olivier Brassard. Cobra Kai goal by Ian Kwok.
Brassard now being referred to as “the Skyfighters Jeff Kamen”.
Week 4 Previews – Part 2
April 18th, 2013
GAME OF THE WEEK
What the Puck at Dark Rainbows
1:00 pm, East Court
We’ve said it before and we’ll say it again, it’s time for universal BTSH daycare. Yes, Donovan and his pal found ways to entertain themselves last week. But what if Sean really needed that stick? Someone would’ve ended up crying and our money would be on the Dark Rainbows Captain. Meanwhile, Hannah spent the bulk of last week’s WTP game making sure her little guy didn’t make it “Too Many Men” for Orange Crush. He definitely wanted in on the action.
What does all this mean for this week’s game? Distractions, lots of distractions. WTP and the Rainbows are actually very similar teams, so it’s all down to doing the little things right. Winning the battles in the corners. Putting just the right spin on the ball. Stealing “Ginger Balls”‘s phone and texting John Nielsen the wrong game time.
It’s a game of inches between these too and no one will be surprised if this one ends in a shoot out.
Just make sure the OT doesn’t cut into anyone’s nap time, ok refs?
Gouging Anklebiters at Filthy Gorgeous
2:00 pm, East Court
by Bill “It Ain’t easy Being Smooth” Tucker
Felled by the stifling defense of the Gremlins last week, Phil Donahue’s band of fun loving malcontents looks to rebound against the Dirty Beauties. According to the Prestigious Yet Imaginary Records Department of the ORG, the Anklebiters’ Joe “We Don’t Need No Stinkin’ Last Name” P. has yet to score a goal this season. If he has, ignore this journalistic insight as hangover induced malarkey. The one thing I do know is the Anklebiter’s Ace Bar supremacy. At the post game festivities, expect Craig to say something hilariously offensive, Caroline to draw dirty pictures on trivia score sheets and Courtney “Coco” Butler to smile a lot. The Anklebiters kinda rock like that.
Before they even get to the bar, they face a determined Filthy Gorgeous team still looking for their first victory. Lighting the lamp has been an issue for the Valiant V-Necks so far this season. Despite good team play and the solid goaltending of Dan Owens, 4 goals in 3 games ain’t gonna cut it in a division comprised of the Purple People Eaters, last year’s champs and Romeo’s Raiders. Luckily, Filthy has a bold plan: clone James Periera, who looks to be getting off the snide. Hopefully for Filthy, the procedure is more The Clones of Bruce Lee than Verne Troyer if they hope to topple an Anklebiters squad hungry to avenge a loss of their own.
Dr. Hunter S. Tompkins Official Prediction: Zounds! My spot on prediction of last week’s Biters / Gremlins game has shaken me to my core. What combination of mescaline, bleach and Folgers decaffeinated coffee crystals spurred this premonition? To know the future is to limit your options, so I’ll make a completely blind guess this week. No offense to Monica and the rest of the Gorgeous crew, 3-0 in favor of the Biters.
LBS. at Mathematics
3:00 pm, West Court
While we struggle with our own internal conflicts, the defending champs will struggle with figuring out how to get balls past the Mathematics’ 7 foot goalie. Seriously guys, it would take two Seths to make one Will Gahagan. Is that really fair? Not only does the Man Mountain take up a lot of room in net, he’s an effective deterrent against Ken and Karsten’s patented “charge to the net” strategy. LBS will have to rely on secondary scoring from some of their underrated second liners like Ali Chenitz & Jason Bogdaneris. Of course, Math have a few non-Norris weapons up their sleeves as well. Andy Pratt remains an ageless wonder on wing and Brad Schmidt, Adam Langer and “the Lizs”.
In the end, we expect the LBS. age and cunning to edge out Math’s youth and enthusiasm. But it will be close.
Our prediction: LBS 4, Mathematics3 (OT)
Gremlins at Butchers
4:30 pm, West Court
by Abby “Just the Facts” Meistermann
This game finds both teams are fresh off Week 3 wins: the Butchers made mincemeat of the Tompkins Square Riots and the Gremlins gouged the Anklebiters. However, the Gremlins go into this match-up with a -4 goal difference (thanks to Fresh Kills) to the Butchers +1. Gremlins’ goalie, Jamie (Without a roster I’m basing this on the Week 1 box scores.), has his/her (Sorry, still don’t know!) work cut out him/her (Maybe both? That’d be cool.) if Butchers bring the big guns of Revechkis, Greene, McMasters, and Bebeared Ben Bloom . However, Caitlin’s never been one to shy away from a challenge: she’ll be sure to rally Coco (Ed’s note: we’re well aware that Coco has been on the Anklebiters for two years. Apparently no one has told Abby yet), Stripe, and Mark into action. With both teams on the rise and around the same point in the standings, this game should be evenly matched and probably a solid game to watch.
Things to expect: The sequel to this game on July 21, 2013, being hailed as inferior.
Things to hope for: Gremlins being busted for performance enhancing drug use.
Poutine Machine at Happy Little Elves
5:30 pm, West Court
by Eli “It’s Better Than Doing Homework” Kazin
