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Dustin may not even wear pads this Sunday.

Derek and Eli love their finals rematches. And the ORG has it on good authority that these two teams once battled for the league championship. Few in BTSH remember this, but the former “press” claim that the Elves actually won that matchup. It seems rather unlikely, but we’ll take their word for it.

After losing Jerome Ramos (the man Ben Chadwick called “locker room poison”) to Poutine Machine, a revitalized Elves managed to shock Filthy Gorgeous last week (think of it as the street hockey version of last night’s Rangers-Penguins game). Meanwhile, the Hookers announced their presence with authority, shutting down a potent WTP offense. 

The ORG are big believers in the old hockey cliche, “Work beats talent when talent doesn’t work.” But the Hookers team we saw last week was playing lunch bucket hockey and grinding in the corners. This team’s got it all – sweet passing, sick goal scoring, purple stuff.

It will take another perfect storm for the Elves to get past the BTSH bridesmaids and get the W. And as much as we like Jenna’s Elfin Elite, we’re predicting clear skies on Sunday.

4-1 Hookers.

LBS, Inc. at Filthy Gorgeous
Tompkins Square East, 1:00 pm
By the rapidly-healing Abby Meisterman

As is tradition, we start each BTSH season with a rematch of the Final. Two weeks ago saw Fresh Kills facing off against 2012’s victors, Lbs. This time, however, Fresh Kills had 3 goals to Lbs’ 1, starting off the season with a solid win. Filthy Gorgeous wasn’t so lucky that first week, either, as they fell for the first time in BTSH history* to the Happy Little Elves, 4-2. That being said, both teams will be looking to redeem themselves this week. The Russo-lead pretties have added some new blood to their roster, but that’s just an infusion to the already strong roster that boasts the skills of Wise, Mehra, Suz, and goalie DanPwens. Once she came down off the high from the championship win (March 24, 2013), Sascha started drilling most of The Corporation in 3-on-2s and Italian-football falls — the rest of the team *cough*BrianBarret*cough* was still celebrating, though.

Things to expect: Partly cloudy skies with a high of 54°F/12°C.

Things to hope for: A double-date between the teams’ power couples: James/Suvin and Ken/Karsten.

* I think I read this on Glanzer’s Facebook. If it’s not true, blame Glanzer.

Tompkins Square Riots at Denim Demons
Tompkins Square West, 1:00 pm

How have we never noticed that every game is a homegame for TSR? I bet if we investigated more closely, we’d find out that “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” is their team song and that sax player is on their roster. Now that we’ve uncovered your secret, could you guys please do something about the bathrooms? Seriously, pools of blood, people. Get on it.

The key to this game is whether the Riots have another color apart from burgundy. If not, it could be a confusing afternoon. But if they can find an alternate jersey they’ll face a Demons squad that is taking no prisoners. It’s like the barricade scenes in Les Miserables all over again. Scrappy young hopefuls going up against ruthless authority (we’ve also heard that Coach and Russell Crowe have the same singing coach).

Our prediction? Empty chairs at empty tables and the Demons second win of the year.

Butchers at Gouging Anklebiters
Tompkins Square East, 2:00 pm
By Bill “I’m Everywhere, Bitches!” Tucker

How’s this for a Week 2 slobber-knocker?  2013 has been business as usual for both the Ankletbiters and the Maroon Misfits.  Both teams recorded shutouts in Week 1, both teams remain largely intact from 2012 and both teams feature names promoting excessive violence.  The difference this week is going to be facial hair.  Clearly in need of increasing their beard quotient, Creamy developed a Clooney-esqe soup saver in the off-season to match Ben Bloom’s signature whiskers.  Will the twosome be able to thwart the epic chins of Craig Lacombe, Zach and captain Phil Donohue?  Come to the court early for this excellent early season match-up.

Dr Hunter S. Tompkins Official Prediction:  Once more onto the brink of madness, my friends.  Summer Sundays of beer, balls and balderdash.  A reason to feel alive when the rest of the world is weary from Saturday night shenanigans.  The jury is out on how many games I’ll be conscious for this year, but this will certainly be one of them.  Pencil in the Biters for a 2-1 shootout victory.

Rehabs at Cobra Kai
Tompkins Square West, 2:00 pm

If BTSH has a heart and soul player, it’s got to be Bryan Welch. When life hands him lemons … he goes out and gets a goalie named Seannac Onwaye. We don’t know who that is either, but we know that Bryan will shepherd the Habs through a rebuilding year and put up some wins in the process.

He has a chance here against Cobra Kai. But only because the dojo has yet to marshall its full power. While it may have seemed like Greg was desperate to find new female talent (that would explain why he was talking to a girl at ACE for half an hour just because she was wearing camouflage), the climate warrior has actually assembled a pretty impressive side. A healthy Rem, the constantly improving Becky Pear and Tamara “Who is that girl?!” Cacchione provide a great core. All that’s needed is for them and the elusive Will Kuhns to show up on a regular basis.

We’re going to make our prediction for this one a game-time decision. If the GI Joes are out in force it’s their game. Otherwise, look for Welch’s Warriors to grab the victory.

Dark Rainbows at La Famiglia
Tompkins Square East, 3:00 pm
By Cub Reporter Eli Kazin

I’ll admit it, I don’t know much about the Dark Rainbows this season. Sure, my team played them on Opening Day, but I was out of town, and the box scores don’t offer much help, as the only game note is that some guy named Norris scored for Math. Usually, the team preview or roster is a good place to go for more information, but alas, that is nowhere to be found. I guess the whole start of the season thing took everyone by surprise.

What I do know is that Bernstein plays for the Rainbows, and aside from attending Duke, he’s awesome. And they have Abby, too! But she’s injured right now, which is less awesome.

I don’t even know where to start with La Famiglia. It says they scored four goals from four different players against the Sky Fighters, but does not name names. So let’s assume Denis and Shafiq each had one, since they obviously did, but that still leaves us with two more players to figure out. Luckily, they did send the league a ref list with 14 players on it, which is pretty much the equivalent to a roster. Wait, 14 refs is an awful lot for one team. I’ll believe all of them ref a game when I see it. Until then, though, I admire their collective ambition.

Former Tuques 3, Dark Rainbows 1.

MegaTouch at What the Puck
Tompkins Square West, 3:00 pm
By Monica “Keepin’ It Real” Russo

One wonders what there is to say anymore. Here we are, the new season barely begun, and one finds one’s self unable to make fresh observations about Mega Touch, about What the Puck. Does one tritely make reference, yet again, to WTP’s many children? To Mega Touch’s stripe-socked easy-goingness? Julie’s candy addiction? Romeo’s many monogramed and personalized pieces of equipment?

Gut Rot at Mathematics
Tompkins Square East, 4:30 pm
By Rich “Paid by the Word” Glanzer”

Gremlins at Fresh Kills
Tompkins Square East, 5:30 pm

The Kills have officially joined the Hookers as one of those teams who are so good, they’re boring to write about. Seriously, how many ways can you say that Gabe Chenard can put the puck in the net and that Dave is Russian? It’s like covering the Harlem Globetrotters. Eventually, you want to write about the Washington Generals.

Which brings us to the Gremlins. This team is all about hope. That’s why they used to be called the Unicorns. That’s why Jon “Once Called Redpants” Rick is still on their roster (he will return again in glory). That’s why they have no problems with their average team height being 5’4.” As Luke “Ice” Berg told the ORG “if you believe, you can accomplish anything.”

We love that little guy. Be a mensch, Dave. Don’t shatter his dreams this Sunday.

Sky Fighters at Poutine Machine
Tompkins Square West, 3:00 pm

The ORG (in our role as Poutine Captain) wished Dan Hopper good luck via email earlier this week. And the guy e-fake handshaked us and blew us off. This is why Sidney Crosby gets hit in the face, Dan. And this is why the Sky Fighters should lose. Of course, it is an unfair world. Pittsburgh will probably win the Stanley Cup. And the Sky Fighters should probably succumb to the scrappy but untrained talent of the faux French Canadians. But good things don’t always happen to good people. The June 1994 James Stein know what we’re talking about. Right, James Stein?