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Filthy Gorgeous at Poutine Machine

Location: Tompkins East, 1:00 PM

By Returning in Glory Poutine Machine Beat Reporter Rich Glanzer

Game Notes: America loves a comeback and there is no greater comeback than me being forced out of the Poutine beat, to now regaining my throne and administrating my first (and overdo) Game of the Week.

Rehabs at What The Puck

Location: Tompkins West, 1:00 PM

Game Keys: Fact #1 – most of WTP are parents now and go to bed by 9 pm. They’ve also forgotten where Williamsburg is even located. Fact #2 – Stacy Kehoe is having her birthday party in the aforementioned Billyburg the night before. Fact #3 – it’s a joint  celebration with Craig “I play my best hockey while still drunk from the night before” LaCombe. Fact #4 – Zimm with a wrong handed stick and Romeo playing out should be able to beat the ‘Habs after Saturday’s Bacchanalia. Fact #5 – Rehabs suck. That is all.

Gremlins at Gut Rot

Location: Tompkins East, 2:00 PM

Game Keys: Remember that nerdy kid in college who all of a sudden went psycho gym teacher on you the moment you guys got enough friends together to play a drunken game of kickball? He could be on either of these teams. While known for laidback attitudes and strong bar turnouts both these squads bring it come game time. While they’ve often caught other teams by surprise, neither squad is likely to catch the other side napping this week. So how do you defeat an opponent who is essentially yourself? Pure damn luck is always a good strategy. And the Grems happen to have “Lucky Luke” on their side, a player who always seems able to put the biscuit in the basket at the crucial moment. While Rot goalie Bill Tucker is familiar with the tow haired sniper (they’re teammates in that “other” ball hockey league) there’s no truer cliche in hockey than “you can’t stop what you can’t see”. With the Rotters being about a head taller than their AMC counterparts, expect at least one to slip by their constantly screened netminder.

Dark Rainbows at La Famiglia

Location: Tompkins West, 2:00 PM

By La Famiglia Made Man Bill Tucker

Game Keys: Ladies and gentlemen, friends and neighbors, know one thing.  The Family is back.

Last week, La Famiglia shocked the league with a 6-3 thwomping of the Cumulus Combatants.  Although scattered reports claim that the majority of the Sky Fighters skipped the game in favor of Sunday Mai Tais and those little crackers you put caviar on, I could give a turkey.  This victory propelled the Former Tuques back into the crosshairs of the entire Brown division.  Although I don’t have specific information as to who scored for The Family, my BTSH instincts tell me it was probably some combination of Dennis Miciletto, Shafiq “Off Black” Perry and that guy with the glasses who I think may be Ant, but I’m not quite sure.  What I am sure of is that last week’s win puts Famiglia only two points away from the division lead.  With only four points separating the top ranked Corporation from the fourth place Sky Fighters, the race for first in the Brown division has become white hot.

Sadly, the Dark Rainbows are looking for a spark in the midst of their three game losing streak.  Despite a last place standing in the Larsen division, there are some high points for the Loveable Lay-abouts.  Rookie goaltender Ariel Kipnis has shown flashes of brilliance, Abby “Dr Who” Meisterman is playing some of her best hockey of the season and John “Gamechanger” Neilsen is quietly making his mark as one of the top two way players in the entire league.  Team cohesion has been an issue for the Rainbows, but if the team can come together in the final weeks of the regular season, it could be a summer of love for the High Life Hippies.

Dr Hunter S. Tompkins’ Official Prediction: The Dark Rainbows echo my sentiments of good times, drunken revelry and reckless abandon.  Mad long haired wanderers all searching for their piece of the BTSH dream.  Famiglia is of a similar ilk, relaxed at the bar yet dangerous on the court.  This contest should prove to be a good one but in the end, the Blue Menace will defeat the Tie Dyed Terrors by a score of 4 to 2.

Denim Demons at Happy Little Elves

Location: Tompkins East, 3:00 PM

Game Keys: Shaun DeLacy. Shaun DeLacy.  Shaun DeLacy. Shaun DeLacy. Shaun DeLacy. Shaun DeLacy. Shaun DeLacy. Shaun DeLacy. Shaun DeLacy. Shaun DeLacy. Shaun DeLacy. Shaun DeLacy. Shaun DeLacy. Shaun DeLacy. Shaun DeLacy. Shaun DeLacy. Shaun DeLacy. Shaun DeLacy. There. Now we’ve finally written an Elves preview that ShaunDeLacy won’t complain about.

Sorry Demons, we’ll write more about you next week.

Butchers at Cobra Kai

Location: Tompkins West, 3:00 PM

By Abby “Still not the Dude” Meisterman

Game Keys: Last week, Cobra Kai had a pretty short bench. In order to face the once mighty Denim Demons (3-9-1), The Dojo called upon this week’s rival goalie, Eric Ramirez and he helped them to a 2-0 shut-out. What you also need to know was that this was Ramirez’s second game of the day. If he can pull back-to-back wins against Fresh Kills and the Demons, Cobra Kai should be worried about this week’s face-off. Hopefully, goalie Pete Lang will come off the IR and the team will show up! However, despite roster issues, Cobra Kai has remained a threat: boasting the same record as the Butchers, wins against tough teams (Lbs.), and tight games against even tougher teams (Corlears Hookers).

And lest you think I was going to get through this entire preview without a pop culture reference… My prediction? “We’ll call it a draw!”

Sky Fighters at Corlears Hookers

Location: Tompkins East 4:30 PM

Game Keys: Whenever there’s a rematch between former championship finalists, you know it’s going to be intense. But the question most observers will be asking is which Skyfighters team will show up? Or, for that matter, which Hookers team will show up? Both sides have been plagued by attendance problems in recent weeks and we don’t see the tide turning any time soon. Can Noelle and substitute goalie Al Huang beat up on James Stein and that blond guy with the glasses who I’ve seen play for years but still don’t know his name? More importantly, will anyone care? Note to Eli and Derek – schedule this match in September next year, ok?

Tompkins Square Riots at Mega Touch

Location: Tompkins West, 4:30 PM

Game Keys: You can say one thing about the Riots – they’re due. No team in BTSH this year has played more consistently strong hockey this year with less successful results. It’s got to be frustrating for team captain Amy Jones who has taken to adding a little Bailey’s to her signature mason jar of coffee. Drunk Amy may be fun for the spectators but it’s going to take more shots on net than shots in glasses to defeat a talented MegaTouch side. The talented combo of Adriano and Harvey are a challenging assignment for any defense to shut down. And with Julie “Willie Wonka” Katz supplying her team with constant doses of sugar, expect the Megas to be more hopped up than a four year old’s birthday party. The Riots may be able to take advantage of the sheer frenziedness of the Mega side (twizzler induced ADD is not conducive to positional play) but we expect the Touchers to pull out the W here.

Mathematics at Gouging Anklebiters

Location: Tompkins East, 5:30 PM

By President of the Sharif Corinaldi Fan Club Monica Russo

Game Keys: Both the GAB and Math put 4 past the goalie last week, though the ‘Rot was only able to squeak one past Craig “You Can Borrow Any Goalie Except Craig” LaCombe. The Biters are (kind of?) a force this year, with their new roster working out like a charm. Expect a excellent matchup. I’d stick around until 5:30 to watch this one. Who knows, there may even be a cameo appearance from Sharif Corinaldi!

Fresh Kills at LBS, Inc.

Location: Tompkins West, 5:30 PM

By Fresh Kills Beat Reporter and Channel 4 Weatherman Eli Kazin

Game Keys: Fresh Kills saw its five game winning streak snapped last Sunday, dropping a 3-2 decision to the Butchers in a game fraught with “rain fears.” After the game, defenseman Ariel Imas was quick to point out that the team, and himself in particular, does not play well on a slick surface. The rain even impacted captain Dave Sokolyansky’s personnel decisions, as he noted, “I decided to make Justin Ross, who has a history of injuries, a healthy scratch. It just did not make sense to dress him for a non-conference game considering the expected adverse court conditions.” This Sunday, Fresh Kills faces off against its longtime rival LBS, Inc. Imas and Sokolyansky’s comments regarding “rain fears” caught the attention of Karsten Pichon, the Corporation’s star forward and noted meteorology enthusiast. Pichon has already started consulting his forecast tracking models for Sunday afternoon, vainly hoping for a the presence of a low pressure system, slow moving cold front, or humid air mass conducive to late afternoon showers. Currently, Sunday’s forecast calls for partly cloudy skies and a high of 84 degrees, with just a 20% chance of “rain fears.”

GAME OF THE WEEK

LBS, Inc. (9-3-0) at Corlears Hookers (10-2-0)

Location: Tompkins West, 1:00 PM

Game Keys: Two of the leagues powerhouses come together in a game that’s made all the more meaningful by the fact that they both suffered unlikely upsets last week. The LBs. lost 2-0 to Cobra Kai, largely due to a smothering dojo defense that did a great job of keeping the ball away form the Corporation’s lethal offense. Meanwhile, Poutine Machine took advantage of the Hookers short bench and played a run and gun style that exploited the Purple People Eaters’ lack of manpower. Neither tactic is likely to work in this matchup and neither side is likely to panic over a one week blip. But both sides can learn lessons form last weekend.

Still, that doesn’t mean the Captains won’t try. We hear Dustin is buying custom goal pads for every member of his squad and instructing them to stand no more than three feet from a Lbs. player at any time. His goal is to set the league record in save percentage by stopping all three shots that make it through. While it’s true that net minder equipment has been getting progressively bigger throughout BTSH, this is the type of strategy you would only expect to see from a Keeper/Captain. But with the powerful Goalies’ union behind him, expect Dusty to pull it off. Meanwhile, the Lbs. braintrust of Sasha, Sam, Carsten (and sometimes Ken) have adopted the Larsen tactic of finding new ways to make sure the Hookers don’t actually show up for the game. A week long combination of sending jason Eitel pictures of sexy Russian soccer players, forging a Flyers offer sheet and sending it to Noelle, and letting Josh know that he’s made the finals for THE GLEE PROJECT – SEASON 3 may pay off.

With more behind the scenes machinations than GAME OF THRONES, expect this one to be compelling viewing.

Watchability: 5 McSorley Stick Measurements

Tompkins Square Riots at Mathematics

Location: Tompkins East, 1:00 PM

Game Notes: After a promising start, the Riots have struggled, losing six in a row. Team Captain Amy Jones has tried almost everything. Playing, not playing, showing up but not watching the game. So far none of it’s working. But that doesn’t mean she’s given up. After consulting with team superstar Patrick Blohme, she’s instituted a new team training regimen that includes pre-game saunas, an all-meatball diet and liberal doses of fartlek. While part time player and full time curmudgeon Craig Thompson has already bristled at this new approach, others on the team have taken it to heart. How else to explain their now almost nightly practices in the parking lot of the Red Hook IKEA. Meanwhile, the big story for Math is the return of Sharif Corinaldi to the tri-state area. The Frolicing Functions currently hold his rights and Derek may be well advised to sign up one of the all-time classic Mathematics players. But will Corinaldi fit in to Eli’s Moneyball inspired roster planning. And how will rookie sensation Zach Norris respond to the addition of a new/old team member. We’ve heard Norris is like a thoroughbred racehorse. Fond of carrots but skittish. Will he be okay with the return of the “Mouth That Roared”? So many storylines. It’s like the Olympics here, every week folks.

Dark Rainbows at Happy Little Elves

Location: Tompkins East, 2:00 PM

by ORG Special Correspondent Monica Russo

Game Keys: You can learn a lot by eavesdropping

Mega Touch at Poutine Machine
Location: Tompkins West, 2:00 PM

By Formerly Disgraced Poutine beat Reporter Rich Glanzer

Game Keys: The top three stories of the BTSH season so far are these.

3. The emergence of definite Rookie of the Year and possible MVP candidate Zach Norris.
2. Georgine getting a hat trick (with my stick)
1. Me getting fired from the Poutine Machine beat for continually picking the games wrong.

But after successfully predicting Mega Touch’s mega upset over the Butchers, Sven has decided to give me one more chance.

This weak the Machine battles the aforementioned Mega Touch. Both teams are coming off of huge upsets. Mega over the Butchers, and more importantly, Poutine over the Hookers.

While I expect Mega to dominate much of the play, I think Tim Brown earns first star, and lead Poutine to a 3-2 victory.

Editor’s Note: For those who haven’t been following, Glanzer picking your team to win is the equivalent of the SPORTS ILLUSTRATED cover curse. if I knew he was going to behave like this I never would have let him back on the Poutine Beat.

Sky Fighters at La Famiglia

Location: Tompkins East, 3:00 PM

By La Famiglia Beat Reporter Bill Tucker

Game Keys: The Cumulus Combatants met the Blue Menace in a divisional Week 14 Matchup that has all the drama of Step Up Revolution, without the Miami setting, choreography and obligatory dance offs.  The Sky Fighters come into this contest after a hard fought victory against a resurgent Gut Rot.  At first glance, the standings look good.  Third place in the division along with a positive goal differential should mean Hopper’s Hooligans are in solid shape.  The problem lies in their shoddy 1-4-1 divisional record.  While this may not mean much for playoff seeding, this could spell trouble as the races heat up in the final stretch of the season.  To unite his squad, captain Dan Hopper in in the process of changing his name to “Danomir Hotalik” in an attempt to further ingratiate himself with his mostly Czech teammates.  So long as he doesn’t develop “Holik Head”, this plan should prove fruitful in the coming weeks.

La Famiglia has seen similar success.  Last week’s brutal 2-1 victory over the Rehabs has the Omnipotent Octopi in the midst of a two game winning streak.  With Shafiq “Off Black” Perry continuing to have a hot stick (write your own joke) and the Iron Man goaltending of Tim Kayiatos leading the way (write your own Tony Stark joke), The Family looks poised to make a late season move.  Although BTSH doesn’t have a formal trade deadline, sources indicate that Dave Ladanyi was in the running for the services of Rick Nash from the Columbus Blue Jackets.  Sketchy reports indicate the Famiglia captain was offering a case of Miller High Life, three Swiss Cake Rolls and a bucket of unidentifiable slop for the five time NHL All Star.  With similar records and matching points, this matchup could separate the Contenders from the Pretenders in the middle of the Brown division standings.

Dr. Hunter Tompkin’s Offical Prediction – Considering I just awoke from a week long methadone binge, I have little to add to this Famiglia / Sky Fighters preview.  Blurry thoughts of nights spent slovenly in back alleys and custard shops fill my memory.  If this isn’t madness, it’s one hell of a ride.  Oh.  The game?  3-2 in favor of the Aerial Assaulters.  Don’t ask me why.

Gouging Anklebiters at Gut Rot
Location: Tompkins West, 3:00 PM

Game Keys: After watching Joe & Alex put on another show in their last game, league observers might think that the Chompers will make short work of Jeff’s Whiskey Worshippers. But the Biters vaunted, family-like bonds may be their downfall this week. With a big team wedding in Maine, who will carry the standard for the Blue & Yellow? Probably, the newest Anklebiters, Joe, Courtney and Craig. While they’ve done their best to bond with their fellow canine cohorts, they’re still seen as the New Kids on the Block. And that means they may be left out of the group Lobster bake and cheap horror film antics (we told Phil and Amy not to have sex in their cabin. But did they listen? Noooo.). While still a force to be reckoned with, that trio will have a hard time handling the multi-shirted Rotters. Peaches’ Pets have already put up three “W”s this year, something it took many former versions of this team a year or two to accomplish. With Gilligan, Heather and the rest finding their mojo it could be a Dog Day Afternoon for the Puck Puppies.

Fresh Kills at Butchers

Location: Tompkins East 4:30 PM

By Fresh Kills Beat Reporter Eli Kazin

Game Keys: Another week and another win for Fresh Kills, which is becoming a common occurrence. A 3-2 victory over the Happy Little Elves pushed the defending champions winning streak to five games and pulled the team within two points of first place in the Bratta Division. This week, Fresh Kills draws the slumping Butchers in what could be a trap game, as Dave Sokolyansky and company might be caught looking ahead to next week’s matchup against longtime rival LBS, Inc. The Butchers have lost two games in a row and four of their past six, but even with these recent struggles, they remain one of the stingiest defensive units in the league. With just 20 goals allowed through 12 games, the Butchers rank third in overall defense, and goaltender Eric Ramirez has already notched six wins and two shutouts. Fresh Kills has also been strong defensively, allowing just 23 goals through 12 games, good for fourth in the league. Goaltender Patrick Barch has recorded eight wins so far and also has two shutouts. The difference in what should be a low-scoring duel between two of the league’s best goaltenders might just be Fresh Kills’ second-ranked offense. Did you know that Nick Hobbs has already tallied eight goals this season? That’s a lot, especially for him.

Gremlins at What The Puck
Location: Tompkins West, 4:30 PM

Game Keys: While WTP has the better record, the Gremlins have found a unique strategy for dealing with the Orange juggernaut.

Puppies.

Team Captain Ryan has authorized a one-time budget expense and instructed Iannis, Caitlin and Luke to buy out every pet store in Bushwick. He plans to unleash a herd of canine cuteness court side this Sunday immediately after puck drop. The resulting frenzy among the assorted WTP offspring is sure to provide a tremendous distraction for the Pucker Parents and even momentarily make Romeo forget about both hockey and his wedding plans. With the WTP net minder’s attention focused on the sidelines, Jon Rick will be able to execute the patented “shoot on net when the goalies back is turned” play that he used so successfully in last week’s Rainbows game. While it’s well known that Larry always carries milk bones in his hockey bag (though no one is quite sure why), he may not reach his stash of doggie treats before the Gremlins run up the score. While Adam Skuse will argue that the tactic violates Rule #1, it’s clear Ryan has thought this one through. After all, who could accuse a man who brings puppies to children of being a d**k. Brilliantly played, Head Gremlin, brilliantly played.

Filthy Gorgeous at Rehabs

Location: Tompkins East, 5:30 PM

By ORG Stringer Abby Meisterman

Game Keys: There are a few people in this world who do or have embodied the Filthy Gorgeous name so entirely. Unfortunately, one of them, Amy Winehouse passed away just over a year ago (July 23, 2011) She did, however, leave behind a rallying cry with which all in BTSH may raise their voices. (Also, unfortunately, a lot of us still have to play them.) Can the loss of captain Meredith Danberg-Ficarelli account for the Rehabs record, winning only two of the eleven games played this season? Regardless, the junkies have a hard afternoon ahead of them… Not only did they lose to LaFamiglia (who won without Denis M. scoring a goal [he probably wasn’t there]) last week but now they’re going up against Filthy Gorgeous, a team that boasts two of the top 10 scorers and who have just defeated their division rivals the Denim Demons. According to Amy, love is a losing game and in this case, for the Rehabs this week, so is street hockey.

Denim Demons at Cobra Kai

Location: Tompkins West, 5:30 PM

Game Keys: If not for the aforementioned Poutine win against the Hookers, Cobra Kai’s defeat of the Lbs. would have easily been the “upset of the week”. With a short bench, the Karate Kids shut down one of the best teams in the league. One of the key contributors to that effort was Ryenn Geldner, who scored both foals for the Camouflage Crew and had the Lbs. defense constantly on the backfoot. perhaps that explains Greg Allman’s strict media blackout this past week. By keeping all coverage of Geldner under wraps, he’s hoping to once again use her as a secret weapon. Combined with the goaltending efforts of the newly resurgent Pete Lang (who obviously was at Henrik Lundquist’s summer clinic and not, as he claimed, severely injured for the past four weeks), the Cobra’s may be able to remain in stealth mode and steal another victory. Unfortunately for them, Adam Rubens reads the website (we know because he tells us what we get wrong each week) so that strategy is out the window. The Demons lost a super close game to the Filthy Gorgeous and they’ll be looking for some payback this week, as well.For anyone who is actually left at the courts when this game starts, this could turn out to be a surprisingly entertaining matchup.