btsh.org

GAME OF THE WEEK
Gouging Anklebiters (5-2-1-2) at Butchers (6-3-0-1)
Location: Tompkins East, 2:00 PM

Game Keys:Forget the hangover jokes.This could be one of the most exciting games of the year.

Phil’s dirty dogs were on fire last week helping out the Butchers by dominating a shell shocked Riots squad. With Joe P. scoring at will and the Zach attack in full force the Bitemarks barely missed team heartthrob Amy Barrett. Meanwhile, a depleted Butchers squad proved that when they’re in the groove they can be one of the most dominating teams in the league. Just ask Greg Allman. His snake charmers couldn’t manage one goal while the Bloom Brigade put five past guest goalie Chelsea “Bolts” Bolton.

How confident were the Butchers in Week 11. Georgine “Fancy Hat” Paulin decided to hang out in Tompkins Square Park with friends rather than join the fray. That’s depth my friends.

So two teams on the rise and first place in their divisions as a possibility for both sides. That’s the stuff drama is made of.

Will the Butchers throw a bone to the Biters (metaphorically speaking) and succumb to the roguish charms of Donahue’s Darlings? Or will they be as merciless as the Spetnatz assassins who taught Arthur “Moscow Mule” Revechkis how to handle a hockey stick? Tune in Sunday!

Watchability: 5 juicy pieces of liver! Plus Bacon, bacon, bacon!

What The Puck at Sky Fighters
Location:
Tompkins East, 1:00 PM

Game Notes:Is there a rule that says only one team in orange and blue can do well at a time? It seems that way. The minute Larry’s beloved Mets started to look good, his beloved WTP went on a four game losing streak. Critics say this is due to the fact that he’s focusing too much on his beloved bride to be (Congrats by the way, Zimm) but we think larger forces are at play here.

before the Skyfighters get too overconfident they should remember that these kinds of mid-season swoons have been all too common for the WTP. Late season rallys and final appearances usually follow so never take this historic franchise lightly. After last week’s tie with the Rehabs, the Fighters probably know that lesson all too well. They’ve also been dealing with some internal discipline issues since goalie James “Ramm” Stein’s visit to one of NYC’s most famous New Zealand themed bars. His discovery of Steinlager (“It’s literally my beer”) and rejection of the team-mandated Starropramen only beer diet has caused a huge rift that may tear apart the trade to the aforementioned Rehabs. Sorry, Dan.

Fresh Kills at Denim Demons
Location: Tompkins West, 1:00 PM
By Fresh Kills Beat Reporter Eli Kazin

Game Keys:Hold on a minute, didn’t Fresh Kills and the Denim Demons play each other this past Sunday? Is it possible that Sven, just halfway through his first season since taking over for those universally beloved editors emeriti, is getting sloppy with his handling of the weekly writing assignments? No, wait, apparently Fresh Kills and the Demons, through some convenient quirk in the scheduling process, do indeed play each other for the second week in row. Since last week’s preview focused exclusively on Fresh Kills, this week, we’ll concentrate on the Demons. The Demons entered the season with high hopes, having recorded double-digit wins in every season since 2007. An opening day loss to division rival Filthy Gorgeous was an ominous start to the season, but could not compare to what happened a few days later. League disciplinary committee manager Georgine “Mulva” Paulin, after completing her multi-year investigation into allegations of a “bounty program,” handed down one of the harshest punishments in league history on the Demons. This action cast a pall over the entire Demons roster and has been overwhelmingly pointed to as the primary reason for the team’s tumble to the bottom of the Bratta Division. With six losses on the season, the Demons have already equaled their number of losses from last season and are well on their way to the their worst record since 2006. However, the team has been playing better in recent weeks, and a win against the defending champions could help pull the Demons out of their doldrums and provide a necessary boost in team morale.

Mathematics at Dark Rainbows
Location: Tompkins West, 2:00 PM
Game Keys:After reffing the Rainbows last week Eli gets to play them. Don’t expect the same kind of treatment you got while wearing the stripes Blazer. After some early season soul-searching this team has decided to accept Jesus as their savior. Well not really Jesus but former team mainstay Trevor who has clearly possessed the body of Rainbows goaltender Ariel Kipnis. The Kipper put on a show last week, robbing the ORG’s own beloved Poutiners on several occasions. With Sean, Josh and our nominee for best player in the league, John Nielsen up front, the Plus Ones face a formidable challenge. It will take all the skill of teen dream Zach Norris and all the brute power of Laura ‘Hulk Smash” McNeil for the Integers to get a positive result.

Corlears Hookers at Cobra Kai
Location: Tompkins East, 3:00 PM
By Dishonorably Discharged Poutine Machine Beat Reporter Rich Glanzer

Game Keys:Here’s a true story. So I get assigned to write the Poutine Machine beat but I’m 0-4 in picking games this season for them. The three times I said they would win they lost, and the one time I said they would lose they won. I woke up to this very mean email from Sven. “Dear Mr. Glanzer, because you constantly get Poutine’s game wrong, I am no longer allowing you to be the reporter for such a prestigious team. You can write about the Hookers. Because they suck.”

Wow Sven…I mean first of all I thought this was for fun, but fine, I got the games wrong, so I accept the downgrade. But to say the Hookers suck? I mean this isn’t the Rehabs…cause yeah, the Rehabs do suck, but the Hookers are pretty decent. Maybe not good, but definitely above sucking. Anyways, Jackie Spiegel will prove you wrong, and lead the Hookers to this apparent upset over Cobra Kai. Hookers 7 Cobra Kai 0.

And just for good measure, the Tuques are gonna beat Poutine 4-1!

Rehabs at Mega Touch
Location: Tompkins West, 3:00 PM
By ORG Special Correspondent Monica Russo

Game Keys:I’m going to write about Mega Touch this week, because I learned today that this is a hilarious team. Weekly, captain Julie Katz is inundated with emails from her lovable band of misfits, and sometimes these emails involve the word “boner.” And “boner” is a super funny word any way you slice it (though you should never slice a boner. Ew.).

So the Touch takes on ReeeeeHaaaabs this week, and if Derek would update the site on time, I’d know who won last week’s games and maybe even have a little bit of insight on who will win this game. So I’ll pick the Rehabs, based on history. Get with the freaking program, Tagliarino.

La Famiglia at Poutine Machine

Location: Tompkins East 4:30 PM

By La Famiglia Beat Reporter Bill Tucker

Game Keys: Week 12 gives BTSH fans an intriguing matchup on the East courts.  Patrick “The ORG” Larsen’s Quebecois Conquerors have marched their way to the top of the division that bears his name.  With the solid two way play of Marcus “The Boot” Bonee, the startling intimidation of enforcer Joann Provencher and the timely scoring of Brodie “Mallrats” St John, The Machine has reached the top with solid team play.  Of course, having 2011 All Star Tim “Future Adriano” Brown between the pipes doesn’t hurt either.  Patrick’s latest scheme to motivate his team of cheese curd eaters?  The hiring of fictitious self help guru Stuart Smalley to speak at their weekly strategy meetings.  Larsen hopes the pep talks will give his team the edge they need to succeed over the Omnipotent Octopi.

On the other end of the court sits a La Famiglia squad that find themselves mired in a two game losing streak and fourth in the Brown Division.  But it’s not for a lack of trying.  The Family showed tremendous heart last week in their loss to The Corporation.  Fielding a shorthanded team the entire game due to attendance issues, the former Yellow and Red played hard in the blistering heat.  After reviewing and analyzing stolen recovered audio recorded on a decrepit minidisc player, we at the ORG may have discovered the source of La Famiglia’s strength.  US Custom laws forbid us from saying exactly what transpired at the team’s South American training camp, but let’s just say it involved sticks, blindfolds and medieval torture devices.  ‘Nuff said.  This team is ready for anything.

Dr. Hunter S. Tompkins Official Prediction:  Last week, I was sitting at the bar at Al’s Backyard, slinging back fifty cent burgers and shots of rum, priced at a dime apiece.  In the midst of my relaxation, I received an e-mail from Patrick.  Previews due Tuesday night, it read.  One day early.  Cursing, I scrawled the damned thing on a palm frond and mailed it third class to his office in New York.  For interrupting my mid week drunk, I damn his team to a 3 – 1 drubbing at the hands of Blue Menace.  That, and Famiglia deserves a victory after the tremendous effort they put forth last week.  Fair’s fair.

Gut Rot at Tompkins Square Riots
Location: Tompkins West, 4:30 PM

Game Keys: With Team Captains Peaches and Amy vowing to settle things over margaritas, we fully expect the rest of Gut Rot to head to the beach. This will leave a bemused Riots squad wondering what to make of a heat crazed Bill Tucker. His frantic screams of “Say hello to my little friend!” while pretending that his goalie stick is a machine gun should scare off most of the Riots players. The only exception will be defenseman Craig Thompson who’s practiced obliviousness will protect him from Bill’s erratic behavior. Craig will proceed to score all the goals in a record breaking 24-0 performance that finally gets him in to the BTSH hall of fame. When asked later why he chose to play the whole game facing his own net, Tucker will claim not to remember anything and launch in to a detailed review of ICE AGE:CONTINENTAL DRIFT. The lesson here? Make sure your goalie takes lots of water breaks.

LBS, Inc. at Filthy Gorgeous
Location: Tompkins East, 5:30 PM
Game Keys:Wow. This is like one of those ’80s nighttime soaps, full of rich and beautiful people. Will beautiful lawyer Sasha leave her husband for the smoldering French brain surgeon, Dr. Jean Hebert? Will the handsome young James Perriera ever tell Carsten that he’s really his son? Why is Ken Poulin trying to corner the market on V-necks? And who will survive the tornado? Unfortunately, it’s a 5:30 game so we may never know the answers to these burning questions.

Happy Little Elves at Gremlins
By ORG Pop Culture Correspondent Abby Meisterman
Location: Tompkins West, 5:30 PM

Game Keys: A few things you should know about Gremlins…

1. You have to keep them out of the sunlight.
2. You cannot get them wet.
3. You can never feed them after midnight.

Knowing these three simple rules could be the keys to another Happy Little Elves victory. Although the game starts at 5:30, there is still plenty of light on the court and the Gremlins will attempt to play solely in the shade of the trees (they are playing on the West court). However, noted heel and HLE co-captain, Rich Glanzer, may initiate an extremely aggressive tactic —  immolation — which could thin the herd. Co-captain Jenna Cruff was seen earlier this week talking to local children regarding their water balloon tossing practices. After witnessing the havoc wreaked on Dark Rainbows’ goalie Ari Kipnis a few weeks back, Cruff doesn’t want to risk undoing Glanzer’s work by creating more Gremlins than they can handle. The last part is tricky, though, as it is always after midnight. To cover all their bases, Ben Chadwick has placed all of the Gremlins food on a higher shelf, making sure they Gremlins stay in their original, cuddly, Mogwai forms. Gremlins Captain, Ryan Mills, is a crafty guy, though. The Elves may be thwarted if he can get his hands on some genetic sunblock, thereby allowing the Gremlins out in the sun to sweat and asexually reproduce. Hopefully the Gremlins will get one of the BTSH refs who forgets about the “too many men” penalty call, though!