The Indefatigable Rich Glanzer
August 12th, 2010An Unauthorized Biography
By “The Chairman” Ben Chadwick and Adriano “Muscles Marinara” Bratta (with supplementary material by Dr. Byron Clavicle, DDS, LDS, NIMBY, and BTO)
The Early, Canine Years
Rich Glanzer was born on February 30, 1957 in Southampton, New York, the child of Arthur Miller and Marilyn Monroe. Controversy came immediately when the nurse told him he was “such a cute baby,” and he disagreed. Refusing even to cry, he announced a boycott of the hospital and crawled off into the woods. There, he was raised by a pack of coyotes who taught him everything he knows about diplomacy, a skill he still uses today.
Week 14 News and Notes
August 10th, 2010Who On Your Team Went To Tompkins?
Although BTSH is now in its second year of playing at Tompkins Square Park, the league returned to Corlears Hook Park this past Sunday for one final afternoon of hockey and good cheer at its old stomping grounds. The festivities, however, did not end on the sloped and cracked playing surfaces near Jackson and Cherry Streets. After the games, all league members were invited to relive old memories with another Johnson’s Olympics.
At Corlears
For some of the more veteran players of BTSH, playing one final game at Corlears was a terrific treat to recapture the nostalgia of the “Golden Age” of the league. Others, however, were shocked and appalled at the conditions of the league’s former home. Regardless of one’s opinion, everyone was happy about the addition of a vertiable smorgasbord of food and drink at courtside. Highlights of this appetizing spread included the Anklebiters’ famous Booze Berries, Jeremy “The Foot” Schumacher’s deep fried mac and cheese, and Peaches’ mixed drinks with unknown ingredients. This, of course, was just the beginning, as “ring girls” reminded league members of the Johnson’s Olympics that evening. As a brief piece of trivia, the final game ever at Corlears Hook Park was the Mathematics’ 4-3 win over the Tompkins Square Riots.
Week 14 Box Scores
August 9th, 2010Hookers Strong-Arm Filthy
Corlears Hookers 2, Filthy Gorgeous 0
Corlears Hookers: Noelle “Slapshot” Safar 2 (4)
Shutout: Dustin “Fake Dutch’s Brother” Olson (1)
Sky Fighters 2, Cobra Kai 0
Sky Fighters: Kevin Kim (1), Dan Lee (1)
Shutout: James Stein (3)
Mathematics 4, Tompkins Square Riots 3
Mathematics: Adam Langer 2 (4), Andy Pratt (5), Ali Corsi (1)
Tompkins Square Riots: Karl Ringman 2 (2), Patrik Blohmé (10)
Rehabs 3, Unicorns 0
Rehabs: Brock Bosacker 2 (4), Alex Doucette (12)
Shutout: Anthony Romeo (2)
La Famiglia 7, Fresh Kills 4
La Famiglia: Anthony Peros 2 (2), Denis Miciletto (7), Roger Ma (6), David Ladanyi (2), Alfred Liu (2), Andrea Grande-Capone (1)
Fresh Kills: Justin Ross 2 (9), Dave Sokolyansky (7), Patrick Moore (2)
Game Notes: Grande-Capone scored her first BTSH goal.
Happy Little Elves 5, Gut Rot 4
Happy Little Elves: Gil Valdez 2 (11), Rob “Smash” Muggeo 2 (6), Ryan Nakahara (7)
Gut Rot: Gilligan 3 (4), Tommy (6)
LBS, Inc. 5, What The Puck 3
LBS, Inc.: Karsten Pichon 3 (14), “The Alpha Male” Ken Poulin (14), Angela Upton (1)
What The Puck: Adriano “Muscles Marinara” Bratta 3 (6)
Denim Demons 5, Dark Rainbows 3
Denim Demons: Mike Pereira (12), Bob DiProspero (5), Danny Polinsky (3), Steve Chernoski (2), David Fraser (2)
Dark Rainbows: P.T. Walkley (7), Trevor “White Jesus” Tyrrell (4), Heather Tomason (1)
Mega Touch 2, Poutine Machine 1 (OT)
Mega Touch: Eric Devlin (3), Danny Canarick (2)
Poutine Machine: Jo-Ann Provencher (3)
Game Notes: Canarick scored the winning goal in overtime.
Butchers 4, Gouging Anklebiters 2
Butchers: Ben Bloom (10), Jeff “Hawk” Hawkins (5), Jesse Kalb (2), Jason Rosenstock (1)
Gouging Anklebiters: Caroline Morrissey-Bickerton (3), Mike Diviero (1)
Week 14 Preview
August 5th, 2010Who Farted?
GAME OF THE WEEK
Filthy Gorgeous (8-3-0-1) at Corlears Hookers (8-3)
Location: Corlears South, 3:00 PM
All-Time Series: Corlears Hookers lead 6-0
Game Notes: Filthy Gorgeous has never beaten the Corlears Hookers. These Rubens Division rivals last met in Week 5 when the Hookers edged Filthy 3-2. Although the game was tied deep into the second half, Corlears Hookers leading scorer Gavin “Dutch’s Brother” Kearney notched a late game-winning goal to continue his team’s dominance in this series. Despite this loss, Filthy Gorgeous persevered, going 6-0-0-1 in its next seven games. However, this streak ended last week, when the Dark Rainbows handed Filthy a 3-2 loss. The Hookers, on the other hand, enter this game on a modest three-game winning streak in which they have outscored their opponents 14-5. The team is looking forward to returning to its namesake park to clash with an old rival.
Keys To The Game:
1. With Filthy Gorgeous listed as the road team for this matchup, the team may be forced to wear its alternate jerseys. However, instead of donning their usual beige V-necks, team members have expressed strong interest in sporting Filthy’s electric lime green throwbacks as part of the league’s farewell to Corlears Hook Park.
2. Corlears Hookers goalie Dustin “Fake Dutch’s Brother” Olson is clearly amped for this game. He has volunteered this lengthy video featuring his analysis of Filthy’s strengths and possible conflicts of interest.
3. In response to Filthy Gorgeous’ recent addition of a third Pereira brother, John “Scooter” Pereira, the Corlears Hookers have added a third Kearney. This week, Brendan and Gavin’s eleven-year old brother, Stephen “Dutch’s Fake Other Brother” Kearney will make his debut for the Hookers.
Eli’s Pick: No pick. Eli will be reffing this game.
Derek’s Pick: Corlears Hookers. It’s tough to bet against this history.
Watchability: 4.5 Mangans. Only one point separates these adversaries in the standings.
Johnsons Olympics Returns
August 5th, 2010Debauchery Expected
Written by Hugh G. Rection
If you pass Rivington at Essex Street this Sunday, be sure to hide the kids and cover their ears.
Why? Because this Sunday, the BTSH community will once again be welcomed to the Johnsons for the fourth Johnsons Olympiad, officially dubbed “A Return to Glory (hole)”.
