btsh.org

By: Jess, Russo, & Glnzr

We’re back BTSHers.

After an extended time away, your beloved preview writers are back from rehab their year-long break. What’d we miss? 

Let’s give the ol’ typing knuckles a crack and dive in to some delectable play-in games this Sunday

13) WTP vs 20) Bad Seeds

Jess: WTP has had a rough year but I truly don’t see them losing this one, sorry Seeds. They’ve had some close games this season and Casca in net is a huge edge. 

Russo: Hard to argue with Jess. We’ve got the best team* versus the worst team* in the play-ins to start us off. But WTP has struggled to find consistent scoring this year, led by McCauley and Yehuda predominantly. If Bad Seeds can sneak a couple past Casca early, who knows what could happen? 

*loosely based on 17 weeks of “hockey”

Rich: I am a Dave Gil de Rubio Truther. Put a good effort in front of him and he will play well in return. There’s a ton of untapped competitiveness on the Bad Seeds that can make this a game. As long as their vets show the same passion as their kids, this game will be close. I see a 4-1 WTP win but let me tell you, there is definitely a way for the Seeds to steal one here. 

14) Butchers vs 19th) Agents

Jess: I actually think this one could go either way and an overtime would be entertaining. The Agents, when they have their act together, can connect and score. I think there’s like 3 different guys named Jacob on the team who are all good and one of them is up there in league goals. They also played a pretty tight game against Poutine and took the Hookers to OT. The Butchers are scrappy, and while they’ve struggled to beat any teams out of 4th division besides one game vs the Demons, they’ve got solid veterans (Rachel, Art, Brady, Chadwick, Akhil), and talented newcomers in Maddy and Kate. 

Russo: Full disclosure, because of all the Jacobs on The Agents, I have no clue if I’ve been giving the right Jacob(s) the right goals this season. Please yell at the refs for not putting first, middle, and last name on the scoring sheets. 

I think this game comes down to depth and in my humble opinion, the Butchers have more of that. Some of that just comes with the team being around longer and building that nucleus. Agents have skill and I’m excited to see their team grow with a bit of consistency year over year. But right now, I don’t see Butchers losing this one. PROVE ME WRONG, GREEN! (And let me know how many Jacobs you have plz)

Rich: Russo, you can’t call yourself humble. If you give your opinion and say it’s humble, it’s literally not! 

Jess, Ben is not a solid veteran! My God, I’m working with amateurs here. Speaking of amateurs, I don’t see this being all that close. The Jacobs won’t get past the Butchers. I see a 4-0 win. But I’d like to remind the Butchers you did lose to the Rainbows before the pandemic in the playoffs so make sure you come to play. 

15) Karma vs 18) Demons

Jess: Do we have a medic on standby for this game? Karma should win this but not without a fight – literally (note: for legal reasons this is a joke, please do not fight, especially now that Jeff is gone there’s no reason to!!!). It’s the classic really-good-2nd-division-team-gets-moved-up-to-1st-division-where-they-proceed-to-lose-all divisional-games-and-as-a-result-have-a-terrible-record-and-have-to-do-play-ins but DON’T LET THEIR RECORD FOOL YOU. There really isn’t one weak player on the team besides AK, sucks he had to come back. The Demons were hurting a bit this year with the losses of Jeff and Neil (thanks Vertz) but have picked up some big dudes who don’t know the rules about high sticks and stick lifting (they’ll get it eventually I’m sure…) who seem talented. Then we’ve also got DRo and Rubens blasting shots from the point every chance they get. 

Russo: I don’t think you need to hyphenate all that. That’s just a sentence. Anyways, Karma is full of players who decided to move out of state only to realize New York is #1 and are now back. Sup, Derek and AK who I know don’t read these things. But yeah, those two Empire State turncoats pack an offensive punch that’s seldom matched in this league. Demons have had a solid pipeline over the years, but it looks like they’re trending in the wrong direction for this one with a 2024 D4 demotion imminent. 

Jess: Rich is probably googling “what is a turncoat” rn. Also I live for the media solely making sure AK and Derek don’t get too cocky. But Friedman can be cocky because he’s a great tendy. 

Russo: Great hair too. Love ya Steve 😉

Rich: What is a turncoat? Larry, Gil, Walsh and myself all Tea Partied the stupid Brits out of Boson in 1776! Also Karma didn’t lose all their games against top division teams. ?

This is what we call in wrestling a squash match. 6-0 Karma. 

16) Gremlins vs 17) Riots

Jess: To me, these teams are two sides of the same coin: really strong goaltender support with some bad luck in a handful of games this season. The Gremlins started out this season poorly but have gone on a hot streak, winning 4 of their last 5 games. Meanwhile the Riots who seemed like a divisional powerhouse last season only managed to snag 4 total wins this season. Given where things currently stand I’m going to give this one to the Gremlins in a tight game 2-1.  

Russo: Previews are fun, why don’t we do these every week? Actually nvm. Barring any major upset predictions from Glnzr, we’ve picked the favorite team in each matchup to win so far. Not exactly groundbreaking journalism. So let’s shake this mf up. I’m picking the Riots to pull off the “upset” here in a nail-biting OT game. 

Let’s break down the season stats for each team: 

-# of Goals/season: Gremlins, 31 // Riots, 29
-Record: Gremlins, 5W – 9L – 1T // Riots, 4W – 9L – 1T (where’d that missing game go??)
-Top Scorers: Gremlins, Rodney, 6 // Riots, Kevin, 7

It’s only fair that the final score is as close as their stat lines. 

Rich: This game is up to Eric. If the 2015 version who wanted…nay demanded…NAY COMMANDED Gut Rot to finish 12th (by performing the single greatest day in BTSH history, subbing against the teams who were 12th and 13th and winning his own game to jump to 12th, and giving up just 1 goal in the 3 games)l…then the Riots will win. But that Eric was captured and beheaded by ISIS and this new version is here so I’ll go with the best new ref Alison and the Grems, 2-1.

It’s been a while since the last three stars, but after Sunday, there were so many worthy candidates to choose from. let’s begin…

Honorable Mention

while worthy, this did not crack the top 3…

Larry from Mega Touch on his assist. Normally assists don’t merit a star, but Larry’s been around forever, and sometimes we at the media, enjoy throwing players a bone.

THIRD STAR…

Larry from Mega Touch, on his first goal of the season. About time, Larry.

SECOND STAR…

Larry from Mega Touch, on his second goal of the season. Second goal, second star.

and the FIRST STAR goes to…

Larry form Mega Touch on his hat trick. Did you read that correctly? Hell yea, you did. Larry had a hat trick!!!!???

Congrats to all the Stars.

-Completely impartial and anonymous BTSH beat reporter.

PS: Honorable Mention goes to McCauley from WTP who had 4 Goals.

So Mother’s Day is coming up so just use this template to call somebody special because we actually have a little time off to spend if you can. Some of yous may be playing some more hockey and drinkin’ and that’s ok. But take a little time and call or message one of the new mothers at the court that you may not see this Sunday. It would not hurt to drink a few beers before you do. (Sorry Julie)

Much like many other humans will be…..the Media has been replaced by ChatGPT.

An anonymous BTSHer generated these previews using ChatGPT, and sent them to the (former?) Media. (No, it was not me who made these. I am too old to even know what ChatGPT is.) In fact, I have not even read them yet, so hopefully there is nothing offensive in them.

So, without further ado, let’s see what our future robot overlords came up with…


Mega Touch vs. Butchers

Mega Touch wins 5-3. “Mega Touch always reminds me of that time I got a mega donut from Lard Lad. It was so big I couldn’t finish it, just like how Butchers won’t be able to finish off Mega Touch in this match.”

The Bad Seeds vs. Sky Fighters

Sky Fighters win 6-2. “I have a feeling that the Sky Fighters are going to be soaring high after this game, just like that time I flew on a homemade glider with Bart. The Bad Seeds are going to need more than just good intentions to win this one.”

Instant Karma vs. Vertz

Vertz win 4-2. “Instant Karma sounds like the name of a great candy bar, but it won’t taste as sweet when they lose to Vertz. Just like how it didn’t taste as sweet when I ate that spicy chili pepper in Springfield.”

Fresh Kills vs. Filthier

Fresh Kills win 5-4. “Fresh Kills always reminds me of the time I tried to clean the garage, but ended up making a bigger mess. Hopefully, they can keep their act together on the rink and beat Filthier by a goal.”

Poutine Machine vs. Lbs

Lbs win 3-2. “Poutine Machine sounds like something that would be served at Krusty Burger, but it won’t be enough to satisfy Lbs. Just like how I always think I can eat a whole pizza by myself, but end up sharing it with Marge.”

Riots vs. Demons

Denim Demons win 7-5. “Riots always reminds me of the time I caused a riot at the power plant, but the Denim Demons are going to cause their own kind of riot on the rink. It’s going to be a close one, but the Demons will come out on top.”

Dark Rainbows vs. Gremlins

Dark Rainbows win 6-3. “Dark Rainbows always reminds me of that time Lisa’s imaginary friend was a rainbow. But the Gremlins are going to be more than just imaginary opponents. Dark Rainbows will win by a few goals.”

Cobra Kai vs. Corlears Hookers

Cobra Kai wins 4-3. “Cobra Kai sounds like a really cool karate dojo, but it’s actually a team playing hockey. They’ll sweep the leg of Corlears Hookers and win by a goal. Just like how I learned to sweep the floor after Marge yelled at me.”

Fuzz vs. Anklebiters

Fuzz wins 5-1. “Fuzz reminds me of that time I tried to grow a beard, but it just ended up being a little patchy. The Gouging Anklebiters are going to feel a little patchy too after Fuzz beats them by four goals.”

The Agents vs. What the Puck

The Agents win 3-2. “What the Puck is a great phrase that I’m definitely going to use more often. But it won’t be enough for them to beat The Agents. It’s going to be a close game, but The Agents will come out on top.”

The last media article of the year!! With Finals upon us, we encourage everyone to come out and watch this Sunday at 2pm and then stick around for the BTSH Media Awards immediately after, which will be done right at the courts. And then, if you’re so inclined, go on down to Ace Bar for the end of year party – shout out to Jack for organizing.

PBR Cup Semis

Fuzz v Vertz
Jess: I’m just here to remind Rich that last week I explicitly said if the Vertz’ game went to a shootout they’d win and he said I WAS WRONG and it wouldn’t go to a shootout. Anyways, this time it’ll be too hard for the Vertz to fight back if they find themselves down 4 goals again. 
Rich: And I’m just here to remind Jess that if the Vertz were down 4 to Poutine they would have lost as they were only down 3.
Jess  ….math is hard for me and at one point it WAS 4-0.

Rich:

Jess: YOU ARE DISTRACTING THE PUBLIC FROM THE PREVIEW. You know what, now the Vertz win 10-0. 

Fresh Kills v Cobra Kai

Jess: Fresh Kills is like Fuzz but instead of Rich their resident old guy is Ariel. Cobra Kai losing the exemption vote on Siena will hurt them in the lady department this game but LJ, Charlotte, and Brita are more than capable to take on the Colby ladies. 
Rich: Never before has a team needed the FAA to hold serve so badly. With Ariel and Meg flying in, and Liam flying out, this game is all about those underpaid pilots. 

While Liam is a massive loss for CK, I wouldn’t write them off. They built their team on tenacity and one player doesn’t dictate that. FK has a very similar offense to Fuzz, and CK have given up 3,1 and 3 non-empty net goals the last 3 playoffs vs. us during regulation time. I think FK has to be the favorite as they will have the “FK 5” as well as the other 4 who prob are as good as those 5. I foresee a game where time of possession is clearly in FK’s favor, but CK will limit much of their chances to outside shots. However with this dominant O, they’ll get plenty of great opps too. Should be fun, glad I can’t watch it though. 

PBR Cup Finals –The media has explored the possibility of all finals matchups, regardless of favoritism

Fuzz v Cobra Kai

Jess: I would LOVE to see CK finally beat Fuzz in a final. On paper it looks like Fuzz should win easily but something about when these two teams play against each other makes it incredibly close. I’m hoping for an OT and the good guys finally win.

Vertz v Cobra Kai

Hicks: One team has a snake logo, the other always has their snakes out. Please God, let this happen. ????

Fresh Kills v Fuzz
Jess: I think this is the one team that has the exact same type of male players as Fuzz and it will be incredibly interesting to see how they go toe-to-toe. I used to think Fresh Kills was the only team who could take down Fuzz but I still think Cobra Kai has their number. Once again, I am rooting for the ‘underdogs’ here…what kind of world do we live in where FK are the underdogs smh.

Vertz vs Fresh Kills
Jill Orange (Jim Apple’s cousin): Even though ‘don’t let the Vertz get hot’ is supposedly now banned – let’s pretend it’s not for a moment while I say the Vertz are as hot as a white dwarf star.

Unfortunately, even white dwarfs can cool off and if they get too cold they might lose to Fresh Kills, scientifically speaking of course. 

Fresh Kills take the win 3-1 and the Vertz slowly morph into a red dwarf, and then a black hole, sucking up the entire universe and Tompkins as we know it.

Schlitz Cup final: Sky Fighters v Mega Touch

Rich: With all these unlikely scenarios this is the only one I think that can actually happen. Jess already said Vertz beats Fuzz 10-0. Then they obliterate FK. Hicks is flying high. He runs over to the Schlitz Cup and challenges the winning team, PBR vs. Schlitz. Julie accepts and Mega beats Vertz handily and wins both trophies. Hicks never even touches the Cup and also loses in D5 on Tuesday. 

Cutler is seething mad and moves to Florida to live happily with Ariel. (I would have Sky Fighters winning but Wes is too classy to take another mans trophy, and obv Julie is not). 

Jess: on a serious Schlitz note, the last time I reffed was mega touch v sky fighters and tbh it made me never want to ref again because it was HEATED. Seriously who would have thought. It was a little too close for comfort with a controversial Mega goal last time so I’ll give this one to sky fighters in OT please nobody yell at me!!!