btsh.org

On Sunday, July 29th at 7pm at Parkside Lounge, we will be holding the 73rd annual BTSH Olympics. Complete with tall boy chugging, flip cup, a hot legs competition, arm wrestling, and more, this night promises to be one of absolute debauchery. We recommend asking your boss for the 30th off.

You can sign up for events HERE.

The more the merrier and yes, you are allowed to sign up for as many as you’d like. Winners will receive medals that are currently being constructed by rookie and media sensation, Jess D to match the event. Have fun Phallic eater champion.

There will be free pizza and $3 beer specials.

Don’t feel like competing? Come hang anyway and see who ends up with a cupcake in their ass and what time Cro passes out.

Any questions?  Reach out to Cheeky, Alex F, or Probe.

Butchers (6-5) at Corlears Hookers (4-4-0-2), Tompkins West, 1530
by Jerome

With a last ditch effort to prevent themselves from flatlining, the (Cro)okers decided to hustle and cut the Gremmies’ streak to 6. The Crimson Tide (not Alabama’s™) is birthing a streak of its own, inspired by Creamy and his lovely partner and fellow correspondent Diana, who have been parents to a wonderful—hopefully!—kid for a bit of a while now. Following this match, both squads face arduous schedules, so for the sake of avoiding the play-in game, they absolutely cannot squander any points.

It’s been a mixed bag for Rachel and les rouges, because they’ve both struggled and triumphed as newcomers in the premier division; they’ve won and lost to LBS, Inc. and the Rehabs. Tim is still in the shadow of many netminders, and I personally think he deserves a little more praise than what standings or individual stats might indicate about him. However, actualizing this requires strength from the entire Butchers’ unit: MDF’s brother Tarzan and new acquisition Brady are co-leaders for team goal tally (4 each), meaning they cover 40% of the total production. Their -7 differential puts them in the bottom half of the league, and with exception of getting smattered by the Gremmies and LBS, Inc. (0-6 scorelines in both showdowns), they’ve been in relatively close games with their opponents. So, defense is a priority for Sunday, even if the Hookers don’t have a robust differential as well. Pete D. will have to play both sides of the ball, and the Creamy/MDF duo will have to be stalwart for the back line.

The recently re-branded Hookers have shown some gumption, triumphing over the Gremmies and Anklebiters in their new (reversible?) tops. This squad doesn’t have a prolific of a scorer as well, though if Danilo breaks out of his shell, he might be the dude his teammates could depend on. With 3 goals under his belt, this defensive-minded offenseman is pacey, agile, and a risk-taker (see recent FB video). However, in order for him and his crew to stand out, they’ll have to take more risks in the homestretch to prevent playing the extra postseason game. It will have to start from back: Dustin needs more wins and he can’t do it himself; the defense will have to work extra hard (although it seems zone coverage will likely handle a low-scoring affair), and the ladies—some of whom are the fastest in the league—need to chip in as well.

Prediction: it’s yet another low-scoring affair, due to the acute awareness of each other’s strengths and weaknesses. Yet, this will not go to overtime, since Cro will be likely source that understands the clichéd “early bird gets the worm” adage and take the W. Maybe Rachel will encourage some Nordic folk to FaceTime the Icelandic clap at the group huddle and change the result… just maybe. Read the rest of this entry »

So as an exec summary to this post, unlike many (all) episodes of John Oliver’s “Why is this still a thing?” – we have an answer as to why Fourth Division Beatdown Day is still a thing. So that the fourth division teams can feel good about their playoff chances…for all of one half of regular season hockey, and then promptly be brought back to reality.

(Better late than never…) On to the box scores!

 

Butchers 3 @ Gut Rot 1

Butchers – Dana (1), Tarzan (5), Pete (3)

Goalie Win – Charlie O’D via Zog Rule 5 Draft

Gut Rot – Peaches (2)

Goalie Loss – Ed (3-5, GAA of we don’t plan on showing it next week either, kiddo)

Game Notes: Someone from Gut Rot wasn’t aware of who Tarzan was and did not appreciate his Tarzan voice like comments, asking if this was kindergarten hockey, leaving the referees unsure who to ask to be more mature about it.

Quick Shifts: In some saavy (no, not savagery, like this league is more atune to/for) maneuvering, Tim Brk played out with Charlie tending the pipes. Tim and the other forwards for Butchers stretched the court with Cheeky and Creamy platooning at the back creating many fast break opportunities and a beatiful give and go tally for Pete. (what do you mean that was a weird highlight pack to use?)

 

Mega Touch 1 @ REEEEEEEHABS 7

Mega – Shelly (2)

Goalie Loss – Mike T (2-7-1)

REEEEEEEHABS – HICKSY x2 (3), Alex x2 (7), Carlton R (1), Cherie (7), Michelle (1)

Goalie Win – Eric R (5-2, GAA of 1.geno)

Game Notes: Watching Pavel Barber tutorials and writing out email signatures on mobile devices in full finally allowed Hicks to propel Rehabs to victory against a Fourth division team, which he self describes as stat padders. Which makes sense given that JoeyBats hasn’t scored since his hatty against WTP, then again, he’s scoring big at his new café now, and I’ll have to add that to my shortlist of tourist stops to hit up when friends/family are in town- right behind Fish Market for cheapr lobster/fake Jame-O, ACE Bar for HI-Life/skee*t*ball, and Tompkins Square Park for running off hangovers/sophomore slumps.

 

Instant Karma 1 @ Sky Fighters 5

Karma – Alfred (1)

Goalie Loss – Steve F (3-6)

SKY – James McQ x2 (6), Joe W x2 (7), Matt R (5)

Goalie Win – OG James (3-7-1)

Game Notes: SKY jumped out to an early lead, with the newer players in the league seemingly thinking this was a Fourth Division Beatdown Day Matchup, with a couple goals in the early going, and then a Patches like dagger (five hole goal on breakaway) from Joe W paced SKY for the rest of the contest. (Until Mia stepped in the crease, for allegedely the third time in the game, taking away another potential marker for the Vandoos)

 

Fresh Kills 2 @ Dark Rainbows 1

FK – Eugene (2), Nathan (1)

Goalie Win – The Pile (5-2-1, GAA of 2.38)

Rainbows – Bryan L (4)

Goalie Loss – Greenwald (1-8)

Game Notes: As predicted in one of the least entertaining but certainly quite accurate previews, FK brought none of their heavy hitters but did Rainbows one better on Sunday, within Nate grabbing a first of the year for the winner.

Quick Shifts: Aside from gems against Riots (Week 3…ish shutout) and Demons (Week…5 perhaps?), Greenwald played one of his best on Sunday, backstopping his team, and giving them a chance to win- which should bode well as they face tougher competition to end the season with only 2 of 6 remaining games coming from Southeast Michaliga divisional foes.

 

POUNDS 4 @ WTP 0

Pounds – ScottyK x2 (14), Ajay Anze Kopitar (1), Michael “I only score against my gf’s team” Roberts (2)

Goalie Win – Showtime via Atlantic City Sleet Emergency Third Stringer

Goalie Loss – Scott H (3-7)

Game Notes: The team with a guy from Moose Jaw beat a team with some dudes from Ottawa (and Vancouver, duh, look at our new threads). The End. But not the end, because we took to the streets and slayed a Moose in vengeance. Stay off our Queensway! The french side of town needs it to get back from Sens games at the Crappy Tire Centre and chanting PAGEAU PAGEAU PAGEAU (since that’s the only player’s name they can pronounce correctly, they tend to overdo it).

Kovalev Shift Run on Sentence: Reminscent of her shot blocking days being coached by John Tortorella while with Poutine Machine earlier in her BTSH career, Claire took a ball to the face but miraculously never missed a shift, and neither did her glasses, sticking intact for the remainder of the contest.

 

GANK 0 @ CK 3

Goalie Loss – Tim Bwn (2-2)

CK – Paul B (6), Dani R (1), BigRuss (1)

Goalie Win – Campbell W (9-0-2, GAA of a Razor)

Game Notes: Our CK beat writer had nothing interesting to report this week, and since my team got roasted during this time slot, my only comment on the game was the missed (and meaningless) open net by Liam (in the last 10 seconds of the game). It’s okay, even EK65’s hands sometimes look like Dan Girardi’s. Dani and Russ both scored their first’s of the season, highlighting the Dojo’s depth and the understanding that possession should appropriately result in shots on goal…and then, some goals!

Quick Shifts: Possibly jinxing him like a Madden curse last week, Tim Bwn was back between the pipes for a second straight week in relief of a bubble bath, continuing a win-loss trend from earlier in the season, albiet with Carter Hutton like numbers when he does play, highlighting the ‘Biters depth in goal.

 

Demons 4 @ Math 2

Demons – Zach T x2 (5), Brad P (3), Miles S (4)

Goalie Win – Zach L (2-7-1)

Math – Mike S via FA, Bradley S (2)

Goalie Loss –  Eitan Via LemmeGoalie4u

Game Notes: Hell froze over (slightly) and the Demons actually won for a change. But it didn’t freeze that much, as Tavares being on the Leafs won’t mean they’ll win a cup.

 

Back in the TS(S)R 2 @ Filthier 5

TSR – Alex L (4), Sharif (1)

Goalie Loss – Dave GdR (2-8-1)

Filth – Sunny x2 (12), Sean M (3), Ann M x2 (4)

Goalie Win – Tim K (9-3, GAA of 1.92)

Game Notes: Thanks for not taking a timeout to help run up the score this time, I guess?

 

Hookers 3 @ Gremlins 2 (F/OT ONLY)

Hookers – Clark H (2), Courtney Via FA, Danilo (4)

Goalie Win – Dustin (3-3-2, GAA of 2.JVR)

Gremlins – Erich x2 (15)

Goalie OTL – Jamie B (8-2-2, GAA of 1.92)

Game Notes: Thankfully, Jamie posted a much better (and actual) highlight of the GwG from OT on the BTSH facebook page. It wasn’t a wrestling post, so I’m not sure it belongs, but it wasn’t a National Hot Dog/Sandwich day post, so it didn’t get deleted.

Quick Shifts: The Gremlins run of 6 straight wins ends at what might be the worst possible time for their Katz Southeast Divisional race, as they head into a matchup against the Dojo next week for what will now be a game they look to win to get back within striking distance of CK. Although, after having seen the referee card for Sunday, a certain former teammate of CK might bring forth another instalment of the Crtl+Alt+Del/LoL shootouts curse to give the Gremlins an unforeseen edge in that matchup. Maybe CK ought to bring back Longwell for another All Star Game snubby like performance (or did he finally leave the country?). But this isn’t the previews, for Week 13 (or is it 14?) and we’re 4 days overdue on posting this, so we’ll get to the final game of the day…

 

Fuzz 3 @ Poutine 4 (LoL Shootouts, damnit we almost got through this without one)

Fuzz – Alexa (1), Jeff x2 (12)

Goalie SO Loss – Coach (8-1-1, GAA of 2.60 but will find a way to ask for it to be lower)

Poos – Hilary S (1), Mike Plts (3), Mike Pags (3)

SO Winner – Pags

Goalie Win – Teddy via FA

Game Notes: The great question has been solved once and for all. Poutine > Disco Fries.

 

Week 12 in Tweets

OCMD poaching (defecting?) season highlights the tweets of the week #DoubleClick

Fresh Kills at LBS, Inc.
by Hicks

Ah 2008, what a simpler time. A certain Alphamale was still among us, Glanzer had yet to win a championship and become the ‘best’ goalie in BTSH playoff history and the E in Eli didn’t even stand for Emeritus yet. As the league wound down to what would be the first championship ever for Fresh Kills, two heroes wrote what can only be described as the greatest preview of all time:

Gouging Anklebiters (4-16) vs. Happy Little Elves (2-16-1-1)
Location: Corlears North, 1:15 PM
All-Time Series: Gouging Anklebiters lead 1-0
Game Notes: Bad hockey

It’s so good, that I’m going to copy it for this preview.

“Bad Good hockey.”

I know it’s 1pm, you’ll probably be hungover and it’s entirely possible that you’ve left your wallet/dignity at the bar but this one is absolutely going to be worth it. Looking at the standings neither team can really afford to lose. LBS needs the W to keep their 1 point lead over Filthier for the Southeast Division title in tact. Meanwhile, a loss for Fresh Kills coupled with a win by the Butchers (they’re playing the Hookers who probably won’t even show up) will have the Butchers, who all yall wrote off 5 or so games ago, just a single point behind the Kills in the division standings and FK dangerously close to relegation into the Southeast Division (@Glnzr, use your magic to tell us all if this has ever happened).

Prediction: Fresh Kills comes out hot early on a goal scored by Cecil Harambe team member Gabe, but the second half is all Lbs with Roberts and Karsten scoring for los blancos. Scotty K spends the rest of the day screaming at Erich and Probert, hoping it causes them to not score and widen the scoring gap further. Lbs 3, FK 1. Read the rest of this entry »

by Cat

This week, Not Stars were outsourced to Jerome Hornswaggler. I prefer to throw shade sparingly, and with the World Cup over, Jerome has a lot more free time and no outlet for his emotions.

Third Star
Cheeky of the Butchers

This week Cheeky celebrated her retirement from being a professional sports person so I would be remiss in acknowledging the successes and exploits of a fellow non-hugger. Here’s a highlight reel of Cheeky’s best qualities:

STAMINA – The Butchers played Gut Rot on Sunday, and alongside Creamy, Cheeky played defense for the entire game. And on top of that, it was immediately after the World Cup, so I can only assume she was already drunk.

INTEGRITY – Eagle-eyed and fair, Cheeky is an exemplary referee. Doesn’t miss a thing with a beer in hand. Doesn’t call things in favor of the Rainbows too often so nobody is suspicious of bias.

NURTURING – Running into the corner, I fell ~~all by my damn self~~ into a pile of mud and she tenderly wiped my knee off with a nice smelling wet nap. Also, she loves dogs.

SEXINESS – A boy who couldn’t take a hint showed up uninvited to her own party, because she’s irresistible. Honorable Mention to Morgen, a True Friend and an Advocate for Stoned People at Parties, who told him to GTFO.

Enjoy all the golf outings and book clubs that retirement has to offer, Cheeky! Read the rest of this entry »