Around the League – Week 13
July 15th, 2018
Burke played out of net for a change and helped the Butchers defeat Gut Rot.
The Rehabs found their mojo against Mega Touch by spreading the scoring around.
James and the Sky Fighters upset the heavily favored Instant Karma (who looked damn gurl sexy in their new unis) for a well deserved win.
Rainbows with their Yetter fellow lead by a goal at halftime, but Soko and Fresh Kills did what they do and won.
Russ found out that nobody fucks with the Coco, but Paul’s goal was enough for the evil dojo to get the W against the Biters.
LBS came out swinging with that Big Dick Energy and dominated the Pucks. Then proceeded to celebrate by leaving a massive mess behind at the courts. (come on, man)
Filthier pulled a Glanzer and scored an own goal, but still managed to beat the Riots.
The Demons had no weather fears and took out a depleted Math team.
The Hookers went to OT and told Walker and the Gremlins to “get out” (great horror movie, btw).
Poutine’s goalie stood on his head and got the W in a shootout against Fuzz. Viva la poo!
Week 13 Previews – Part 2
July 13th, 2018Gouging Anklebiters at Cobra Kai, 3:30 pm
by A Young Padawan and their Jedi Master
So, since we’re not for traditional hockey game write-ups, we contemplated what would happen if you placed Kai and the Biters in a horror film.
Will Green’s evil cousin, Gill Ween, has begun a killing rampage and he will stop at nothing to slaughter all the members of (for some reason) only the Biters and Cobra Kai. How will these two teams fare against an ax-wielding psycho killer on the loose?
I ain’t afraid of no ax.
Russ tries to subdue the killer with jokes…and is immediately murdered. Russ may know about killing onstage, but he clearly does not know anything about actual killing. Probert leads the killer to Royale, hoping that some spirits will lift his spirits, and quench his thirst….for blood. It doesn’t. Probert and all the other random patrons in Royale are killed. (Ella happened to be off that day, and remains safe. Phew.) Craig shows the killer his Kentucky wristwatch in an attempt to distract him while Liam hits him over the head with a lead pipe. Neither Craig’s pipe nor Liam’s pipe do the trick, and they both perish. Marko explains to the killer that she is a new mom, hoping he will be sympathetic. This doesn’t work and she…..(nope, we can’t bring ourselves to kill Marko. She escapes, back to Brooklyn with the fam). JJ is a rocker, not a fighter, he attempts to deter the killer with music…but ends up getting stabbed with his own drumsticks. Chuck blasts his rocket snapshot at the killer. It hits him square in the balls. He drops like a sack of potatoes. However, he is quickly up, and suffocates Chuck with the very Mylec he shot at him. All 8 Rachels on Cobra Kai attempt to blitz the killer. Unfortunately Joe P., limping from his latest injury, accidentally falls in front of them and trips them all up, causing himself and The Rachels to die. Things are not going well for these two teams… Read the rest of this entry »
2018 World Cup Final Preview
July 13th, 2018
by Hornswoggle
Let’s talk about what’s happening on Sunday. Yes… there will be hockey games on (pending heat fears/rain fears/Cro’s whining). But there is a sporting event whose result could have greater impact on the international stage and fortunately, since the vast majority of us at BTSH are over 21, we get to witness the unraveling at a local bar, or our friends’ cribs with a decent spread of food and booze. That event, comrades, is the World Cup final.
Four years ago, over one billion viewers (that’s nearly one-sixth of the total population!!!) saw Germany’s Philipp Lahm hoist the 5-kilogram Jules Rimet trophy, just minutes after a Mario Götze half-volley sailed past Argentina’s Sergio Romero in extra time. Honestly, we could’ve seen one of the world’s greatest—though not the GOAT, I think—Lionel Messi on that podium that year. And unfortunately, neither he nor his greatest rival, Cristiano Ronaldo, get that very chance this time, both teams having been eliminated relatively early in the tournament.
This year has a somewhat different twist; France, who lost (in their own country!!!) to Cristiano and the Portuguese two years ago in the European Championships, have returned with a vengeance, adding a specific phenom named Kylian Mbappé to their starting XI. Breaking hearts left and right with relatively close shaves between Argentina and Belgium nonetheless proved that they’ve got both the gall and the firepower to see the tournament through. (And also I placed bets for them to win… because betting in New Jersey is legal now.) Read the rest of this entry »
Week 13 Previews – Part 1
July 12th, 2018PLEASE NOTE: due to the World Cup Final all game times have changed. If this is how you are finding out then perhaps you should elect a new captain.
Butchers at Gut Rot, 1:30 pm
by Cheekbones
This preview will be written with a Celebrity Jeopardy theme because…because I’m a grown ass woman and I do what I want. Unless my baby cries or my mom calls. Then I do what they want. Here we go:
Give Me Ape Tit for $200
We embark upon the Battle of the Butts when Tarzan plays Morgen. Safety regulations need to be reinforced — if they both use these rear mechanisms to their full potential, one or both could end up out of the courts and crashing through the front window of TS Bagels. However, I respect this ass-tastic relationship which is able to thrive when both clearly have asses that require serious attention. It demonstrates a lot of maturity that they can balance their needs (and just balance in general) on an ongoing basis. My own relationship with a Butcher works well because he has a flat surface with a crack in it, and I can fully own being the ass in the household. We can all learn something from the give and take that is Morgen-Tarzan.
Anywho, enough ass play. Lets move on.
I’ll Take the Penis Mightier
Jk jk jk jk, the lady bits steal the show here. You know Becca is throw her ferocious side part into a even more menacing side pony before putting her sneaky ball handling skills to work against the Crimson Tide, and the GR Ginger squad of Liza and Morgen has some good-old-fashioned-trash-
That’s the sound your mother made last night…
Dana is back at it 6 weeks after making person and let me tell you — breastfeeding makes you thirsty. Thirsty for goals and glory. Keep your heads up, green.
Potent Potables
A major factor for Gut Rot is what time they play, and how much sauce has gone down the hatch. If Heather is rolling in hot from a beach day, things can get gigglier and less aggro on the black top. I sort of root for that, but at 1pm they are gonna be shaking off Saturday night, and not yet licking Sunday’s butthole – a dangerous time.
I’ll take Catch the Semen for $7,000
The dad-forces are gonna be high with Dave W of Gut Rot against Creamy and Mike of the Butchers. Side effects include biting the bottom lip while deke-ing or dancing, and abject disappointment when someone walks on the lawn or leaves the gate open.
Turd Ferguson predicts…
I’m gonna say the Butchers season stays strong and they edge out Gut Rot, however “any given Sunday” seriously applies here — should be a good show kids. Read the rest of this entry »
2018: Week 11 ** Box Scores – Scoring Highlights
July 11th, 2018No rain and no heat fears! We’re back for Week 12 Week 11 (I’m going off what we have on the website’s schedule page, so bear with me on the chronology of the weeks)! Lots of competitive action as we have way (way, way) too many LOL shootout references and some other close contests.
After getting a paper cut opening the three stars post due to all the edge on it, we’ve removed the salt from these this week to not offend anyone (other than myself, as that’s always required). On to the box scores!
Fresh Kills 2 @ Filthier 3 (OT/LOL Shootouts)
Fresh Kills – Frank (1), Tom (4)
Goalie Shootout LOLoss – Patty B (4-2-1, GAA of 2.57ish)
Filthier – OP James (8), Sunny (10)
Goalie Win – Tim K (8-3, GAA of 1.91ish)
Shootout Winner – OP James
Game Notes: OP James put the ball over the Barch pile, rather than running through it this time to earn the extra point in the shootout, just like last season.
Quick Shifts: Video shootout footage was captured but not required to determine that the above shootout winner was scored in a legal fashion. (thank you tho, Jerome/JVR/Hornswoggle/Hornystyle for taking video, which you can find on our BTSH facebook page in very high quality! unlike another SO..)
Demons 0 @ Gremlins 3
Goalie Loss – Zach “Demons Regular Goalie” L (1-7-1)
Gremlins – Rod “I’m sponsored by” Sherwood (1), Courtney via FA, Yetter via FA
Goalie Shutout Win – Jamie B (8-2-1, GAA of 1.82, 3 Shutouts)
Game Notes: After starting 2-2-1 through five weeks, Jamie B and the Gremlins have won 6 straight and not even taking a LOL in the shootouts can stop them from climbing back into the Katz Divisional race. Maybe they upgraded their lime toss to a game of pickle ball across the street at TSP (yes, it’s a thing and it’s pretty cool) to add that needed oomph in their game.
Quick Shifts: Your team can pick up Yetter as an FA wherever crop tops are sold.
Cobra Kai 2 @ Poutine 0
CK – Will (6), Liam (7)
Goalie Shutout Win – Campbell (8-0-2, GAA of 1.10, 3 shutouts)
Goalie Loss – RJ “you better not add that EN goal to my GAA (we did)” F (3-2, GAA of 1.20)
Game Notes: A report coming from our CK beat writer noted that CK finally got some referees they like* but as we all know, the refereeing appears to be better when you don’t take a “L”oL in the shootouts.
Quick Long Shifts Run on Sentence: This game played fast with a lot of back and forth transition catered by the help of strong team defense as limited scoring chances were traded between each side but-for a couple of breakaways for each team leading to the low scoring Katz division title fight, which we certainly don’t mind as it’s certainly easier to not mess up the Poutine goal scorers when they get blanked.
*can deal with once on a weekly basis without emailing Sam Norris
It was a battle of possession in Cat’s fave BTSH rivalry on Sunday. No wonder CK came out on top (look at those guns on that possession player). Now that is double click worthy.
Fuzz 4 @ POUNDS 3 (OT/LOL Shootouts)
Fuzz! – Miles (11), Jeff x2 (10)
Goalie Win – Coach (8-1, GAA of 2.56)
Shootout Winner – Alexa (with help from Mike Teyt to ice it)
Pounds – Jason (2), aFrey (1), Avery (3)
Goalie Shootout Loss – Fizzler (7-2-1, GAA of 1.70)
Game Notes: All 3 Fuzz! shooters scored in the shootout (Gil got the first one to match Avery’s first round marker). For more on the game, check out our Third Star of Week 12*.
*11!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.
Dark Rainbows 3 @ DaPucks 6
Rainbows – Yetter via FA x2, Ryan M (1)
Goalie Loss – Eitan via #RosterHim
Pucks – Ball Hogg (3), John C “Number 69” (2), Zach “Mike Gartner” G x3 (5), Mike Dude (1)
Goalie Win – Scott H (3-6)
Game Notes: After back to back multi goal games for DaPucks, this is becoming Buffalo Zach’s team now. Step aside Ball Hogg, you’re the “other” Zac now (or “stop passing and shoot more” – Eric, probably).
Quick Shifts: I always thought blowing 2-0 leads was more of a CaNucks type of thing, but this game marked the second time this season WTP came back from an early 2-nothing deficit against a divisional opponent. Justin might ask the ladies to (not) sleep on us, but maybe the Pucks should remember to not sleep on their Michaliga-name-sake divisional race foes.
LAX Hookers 2 @ Math 3 (OT/LOL Shootouts)
Hookers – CJ “not the running back” Anderson (5), Noelle (3)
Goalie Shootout Loss – Dustin “Tokarski” O (2-3-2, GAA of 2.29)
Math – Liz H (1), Bradley S (1)
Goalie Win – David L (2-5)
Shootout Winner – Justin “I’m a Caps fan too” P
Game Notes: Hookers finally found a game they thought was winnable and literally showed up. Figuratively, they did not.
Quick Shifts: Dustin continues to show that he’s not a shadow of his former Hookers championship self (except in the case of pad sizing), sporting a competitive GAA for a team that has lost more than it has won.
Trending: Math keep doing the most Math thing ever of standing pat, right in the middle of Division 2. Don’t expect them to be in a position to move up or down a division at the end of this year.
Riots 0 @ Gut Rot 4
Goalie Loss – Dave GdR (2-7-1)
Gut Rot – Scott_K (7), Ramon x2 (6), Akhil Nation (5)
Goalie Shutout Win – Ed P (3-4, GAA of nicer but still needs more mean reversion before we post it)
Quick Shifts: Since going 0-4 to start the season, Ed has had back to back shutouts, and only let in 1 goal in his last 3 starts (all of which are wins). Will his play start a Gut Rot run for the Division 4 crown? Unlikely, they don’t have any freebie out of division games like Fuzz Elves this year.
Mega Touch 3 @ Instant Karma 4
Mega – Joe L (3), Jeff B x2 (7)
Goalie Shootout LOLoss – Mike T (2-6-1)
Karma – Cory V (4), Paul O via FA, Briana V (4)
Goalie Win – Steve F (3-5)
Shootout Winner – Cory V!
Game Notes: Paul Olsen is his name and subbing is his game – Chadwick
Quick Shifts: After 5 weeks of ball hockey with only 2 goals to their name, Karma strike thrice and once more in the shootout to finally achieve double digits in points.
You did it! You beat pre season expectations and all you needed was a shootout against a 4th division team to do it!!
Sky Fighters 2 @ Anklebiters 3
SKY – Sean N (3), Katie S (3)
Goalie Loss – OG James (2-7-1)
GANK – Probert (14), Sarah M (3), Joe P (5)
Goalie Win – Tim Bwn (2-1, GAA of 2.00)
Game Notes: Tim returned to action for the first time since Week 4 and provided the GANKshow just what they needed, edging SKY in another close loss for them on what has been a long 11 * weeks.
Quick Shifts: SKY find themselves in a similar spot as they did this time last year. Does their “new look” crew make the same run late in the season and make some noise heading into the playoffs? Tune in to next week’s episode of 23 and Mia to find out.
Rehabs 0 @ Butchers 2
Goalie Loss – Will Ho “Sang” Sung via Mid-season retirement replacement waiver wire
Butchers – Super Dave (2), John N (1)
Goalie Shutout Win – Tim Brk (3-5, 1st Shutout)
Game Notes in one Run on Sentence: Unfortunately Hicks spent too much time thinking up chirps regarding A6 series TRUE pavel barber tutorial videos for lefties and forgot to watch them himself, not being able to pot a difference maker against Super Dave and his surely now flying Butchers squad, who have now won 4 of their last 5 dry (non rain-feared) contests.
Week 11 in Very Real Tweets
Apparently people feel the need to call these fake and don’t want to #DoubleClick??? How absurd!
