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The Olympic committee has finally sobered up enough from the delightful mayhem that was the BTSH Olympics to recap the night.  Here’s what we remember…  (the majority of it is still a little hazy)

F*CK PHELPS, BILES & RIO
Stars Shine at BTSH Olympics
by Mike Rotchburns

What do you get when mix binge drinking and food consumption, Norris-on-Norris crime, a ‘suck-off,’ full frontal male nudity, Glanzer versus Showtime?

No, not the makings for White Men Can’t Hump, but rather the fifth BTSH Olympiad, returning to action after a six-year hiatus at the Parkside Lounge.

A packed back room at Parkside witnessed and participated in eight events with Ben and Joe P of the Anklebiters each hauling in a pair of gold medals.  Yet there are gold medals and then there are gold medals.  And no gold medal shines as brightly as the one Joe P claimed in the showcase event of the evening, the Hot Legs Competition, by strutting down the catwalk in a gold speedo. In celebration, he got the ceremonial cupcake in his ass from former champion, Rosie.

“Joe wanted a live gerbil, but the pet store had already closed,” said Rosie.  “Then he asked for a fist, but I gotta be in a relationship before I do that in public – just ask Ali.”

The night heated up early with Brian Cro of the Hookers lighting the ceremonial Olympic flame on stage, then went straight into Arm Wrestling competition where Showtime took the men’s title and Cherie took home the ladies’ division.  On his way to the championship, Showtime defeated Glanzer in rematch of the Rehabs-Fuzz game earlier in the day.

Arm Wrestling Champ

“It was just like today’s game,” said onlooker Emily from WTP.  “Without all the douchebaggery, yelling and psychotic intensity…oh, and Showtime actually won this time!”

For some purist, the most prestigious event at the BTSH Olympics is the PBR Tecate Chugging Competition (three people per team, three beers each), won in dominating fashion by an Anklebiter squad of Caroline, Worky and Ben.  Other champions include a mixed Fuzz/LBS team (Flip Cup), Justin from WTP (Phallic Fluffer Eating Contest), the Anklebiters (Beer Pong) and Diana from the ‘Biters (Bar Napkin Love Poem).

We play fast and loose
In Navy and Gold
Our balls run deep
And our shafts are bold
Rich might bitch
He hate us cause he ain’t us
But we always bring it home
Like a cupcake to the anus

“Any day I can get an anal flower into my prose is a good day,” said Diana.

The Olympics also featured one brand new event, the 2 Girls, 1 Cup Competition where pairs of ladies downed 24-ounce beer through straws. An initial round of drinking brought a tie between Gut Rot and What The Puck/Poutine which resulted in an unexpected, sudden death ‘Suck-Off’ won by Heather and Morgen of Gut Rot.

“I haven’t sucked like that since junior high,” said Heather.

And what night would not be complete without Craig’s penis subtly being placed on the beer pong table?  This one.

This is the Phallic Fluffer Competition – not Craig.

In honor of the Late, Great SB, Here Are Some Kudos/Gas Face Awards for the Olympics

Kudos:

• Hippie.  He came out of BTSH retirement for Gut Rot and was runner up in both the Hot Legs and the Bar Napkin Love Poem contest.  Bravo!
• Liz for bailing into the tables while trying to execute a cartwheel during Hot Legs.  Amazing courage, hilarious result.
• Ben and Joe P from the ‘Biters.  The Phelps and Biles of the BTSH Olympics…and with that outfit, Joe is definitely the Biles.
• Justin of WTP for his Coney Island horse track carnival game narration for the Flip Cup tournament.
• An amazing planning team of 15 people across a whole bunch of BTSH teams who made it all happen.  The Olympics came back in style – kudos!

Gas Face Awards:

• Gut Rot for cheating in the Tecate Chug by drinking at the same time and then trying to hide two of their beers.
• Brian Cro for getting too drunk and having to get Ubered home while he was supposed to be the recipient of the Charity Pour and Slop Event.

Events & Winners:

• Hot Legs – Joe P – Anklebiters
• Flip Cup – Fuzz/LBS (Glanzer, Hicks and Liz)
• Tecate Chug – Anklebiters (Caroline, Worky and Ben)
• Phallic Fluffer Eating Contest – Justin – WTP
• Beer Pong – Anklebiters (Joe and Ben)
• 2 Girls, 1 Cup – Gut Rot (Heather and Morgen)
• Arm Wrestling (women) – Cherie – LBS
• Arm Wrestling (men) – Showtime – Rehabs – Retired
• Bar Napkin Love Poem – Diana – Anklebiters

Some of the Olympians created their own events.

by the Anklebiters & Friends Production Crew

*Reposting this article with a different video link for FB, FYI.

It’s back!  The most infamous night of the BTSH season has returned from retirement.  Yes, ladies and gentlemen, the 5th BTSH Olympiad is coming on Sunday, August 21st.  Start time is 7pm…be ready to call out sick on Monday.

Welcome yourself back to the land of the infamous Bar Mat Shot, the leopard print jane, boot-and-rally beer chugs and, of course, the celebratory cupcake in the ass.

WHAT THEY ARE SAYING:

Craig LaCombe: “We’re looking forward to the greatest night in BTSH history.  I even talked to Rosie (Jason Rosenstock, former Hot Legs champion) who’s going for the Brazilian wax. I’m predicting he reclaims the title.”

Jason Rosenstock: “I’m as bald as baby down there…except for a grundle landing strip.  Let’s do this thing.”

Chris Lee (Owner of Parkside): “We’ve upped the insurance plan and ordered 15 cases of Highlife.  The burlesque catwalk is gonna be ready for the hot legs – let’s go!”

PRE-PARTY AT TOMPKINS:

The festivities start early at the courts with our party table.  Enjoy Amy’s legendary chocolate-covered berries and some other stuff we’re not allowed to write about!

THE EVENTS:

1. Over The Top Arm Wrestling Tourney (Men’s and Women’s)
2. PBR Chugging Contest (3 people per team, 3 beers each, at least one lady)
3. Sharif Corinaldi Memorial Hot Legs Competition
4. Beer Pong Tourney
5. The Bar Napkin Love Poem Competition
6. 2 Girls, 1 Cup (2 Ladies per team, both have straws and must down a cup of beer)
7. Phallic Fluffer Eating Contest (one hot dog, two meatballs, a blow job shot and no hands)
8. Flip Cup (3-on-3, at least one lady per team)
9. Our Mystery Charity Event

Sign up forms available at the bar and online.

Plus:

• $3 Highlifes!
• $3 PBR Drafts!
• $8 Car Bombs!
• Free Pizza!

by the Anklebiters & Friends Production Crew

It’s back!  The most infamous night of the BTSH season has returned from retirement.  Yes, ladies and gentlemen, the 5th BTSH Olympiad is coming on Sunday, August 21st.  Start time is 7pm…be ready to call out sick on Monday.

Welcome yourself back to the land of the infamous Bar Mat Shot, the leopard print jane, boot-and-rally beer chugs and, of course, the celebratory cupcake in the ass.

WHAT THEY ARE SAYING:

Craig LaCombe: “We’re looking forward to the greatest night in BTSH history.  I even talked to Rosie (Jason Rosenstock, former Hot Legs champion) who’s going for the Brazilian wax. I’m predicting he reclaims the title.”

Jason Rosenstock: “I’m as bald as baby down there…except for a grundle landing strip.  Let’s do this thing.”

Chris Lee (Owner of Parkside): “We’ve upped the insurance plan and ordered 15 cases of Highlife.  The burlesque catwalk is gonna be ready for the hot legs – let’s go!”

PRE-PARTY AT TOMPKINS:

The festivities start early at the courts with our party table.  Enjoy Amy’s legendary chocolate-covered berries and some other stuff we’re not allowed to write about!

THE EVENTS:

1. Over The Top Arm Wrestling Tourney (Men’s and Women’s)
2. PBR Chugging Contest (3 people per team, 3 beers each, at least one lady)
3. Sharif Corinaldi Memorial Hot Legs Competition
4. Beer Pong Tourney
5. The Bar Napkin Love Poem Competition
6. 2 Girls, 1 Cup (2 Ladies per team, both have straws and must down a cup of beer)
7. Phallic Fluffer Eating Contest (one hot dog, two meatballs, a blow job shot and no hands)
8. Flip Cup (3-on-3, at least one lady per team)
9. Our Mystery Charity Event

Sign up forms available at the bar and online.

Plus:

• $3 Highlifes!
• $3 PBR Drafts!
• $8 Car Bombs!
• Free Pizza!

Written by the other Rachel. Rachel Klion. Watch out kids, Rachels are taking over.

I don’t always write for the BTSH website, but when I do it’s for something RIDICULOUSLY AWESOME.

Don’t call it a comeback. BTSH OLYMPICS ARE BACK.

If you haven’t already called in sick on Monday we’ll give you a pass, but you should probably at least schedule a 9am “doctor’s appointment” to avoid side eye from your boss when you slink in at 11am smelling like someone dumped Miller High Life on a bag of hot garbage.

I’ve only been in the league for 2-3 years, so I can’t comment on the Olympics historically, but luckily this article speaks for itself. Do you see the shoes we have to fill? Ok good, read on then.

Here’s an overview of what you can look forward to next Sunday:

At the courts – general merriment. Jello shots, booze berries, mild nudity, the usual.

Opening Ceremonies – Prepare for shenanigans. I’m not giving anything away here, so just BE THERE.

Arm Wrestling – We tried to cut this event, but Rich Glanzer insisted on keeping it. My money’s on nobody, because this event doesn’t involve booze, banana hammocks, or hockey, so it basically doesn’t exist in my mind.

Beer pong/flip cup – Boring, but we couldn’t not throw this in.

Hot Legs – GAMS ON GAMS. I originally thought this was “hot dog legs”, but alas I was wrong. This one is pretty self explanatory – who has the hottest legs. From what I’ve heard, prepare to see a lot of accidental underball (grundle?) and ass cheeks

Napkin Love Poem Contest – As the night goes on, the lights dwindle, and R Kelly’s Bump N Grind comes on, BTSHers everywhere get a little romantic. There are no rules for this besides “write a love poem on a napkin”, leaving the word ‘love’ open to interpretation…

Case Race – In my humble opinion, this is the main event. Four person teams, 2 guys and 2 girls have to kill 3 beers each as quickly as possible. You can drink them any way you wish – chug, sip, shotgun, funnel, Das Boot, Flabongo (you request it, I’ll bring it). This is where legends are made. If you’re not first, you’re last.

All of this will be taking place at Parkside Lounge, whose manager was kind enough to not only give us all day drink specials, but also agree to look the other way at the occasional boot and rally. He gets it. This isn’t HiFi, so I expect all of you degenerates to be there.

USA! USA! USA!

Sign up for the fun here.