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By Dana K. of the Butchers

Originally the Mighty Squirrels, the most fun team for refs to call for “too many men” when an actual squirrel ran on the courts at Corlears Park, the team split into The Butchers and Poutine Machine in 2010.

Rachel G.  
Rachel Greene, while not technically the captain of the Butchers this year, “I’m just a player these days, I swear,” Greene protested from behind her marble desk at Butchers H.Q. in Clinton Hill, is still thought of by her team as their Don Corleone. As the head of the family she takes it hard when members leave. This year when Jeff Laniado defected Greene happened upon his new team jersey and it used in a series of photographs later that night, the least offensive of which featured Rachel pooping it into a toilet. “He’s just lucky I didn’t have my Beadazzler on me,” said Greene. “I would have tricked that thing out like a My Little Pony complete with the comb.”

Her signature move: the double leg jump in mid-air after scoring a goal.  

Michael M. 
One of the most underrated defensemen in the league, Mike is the Butchers secret weapon. Calm, with a killer shot from the point Mike used to refuse to take the ball away from female opponents “my mama raised me right,” he used to say before Greene hosted an intervention with him at her compound in Bogota. “He doesn’t do that anymore,” Greene stated in a propaganda video released to the media. “Yeah, I don’t do that anymore,” Mike said beside her. “Can I see my wife now?” When accused of badly treating the visibly thin and pale Mike while he was in her care Greene said, “he always looks like that.”

Don’t let his nice guy demeanor on the court fool you though, off court Mike is a ruthless lawyer at Etsy where he is singlehandedly trying to take the company in a new direction. “All I’m saying is, less decoupage, more weapons of mass destruction. But definitely keep the chicken sweaters. Give the people what they want!”

Arthur R.  
Originally brought on to bring some true Russian hockey know-how to the Butchers, Arthur found it a daunting task to pass on his wisdom. “We tried holding a practice once and Dana and Rachel kept telling each other how good each other’s hair looked,” Arthur said, patting his own head. “It was really distracting. Then Georgine asked where the mimosas were.  She thought we were at brunch.”  Reduced to pointing towards the other team’s net and screaming “that way!” Arthur has learned to content himself with the small victories. “Mike ordered a vodka soda at the bar the other day,” he said with a smile and a nod.  “I feel pretty good about that.”

Jason R.  
Rosie, as he is known, is the spirit animal of the Butchers. And that animal is a golden retriever sporting a baja on those chilly BTSH spring days.  When told the baja made him look like a suburban drug dealer from Albequerque he said, “Whatever man, make fun of the baja all you want, but I rescued a family of baby penguins with this thing when I was living on a glacier in Greenland for three months and it was adorable.”

His delight in wearing Mexican blankets aside, Rosenstock is a genius on offense, “Even I don’t know what I’m going to do out there,” Rosie says when questioned about his hockey strategy.  “That last move you saw where I did a backflip off my hoverboard and landed in a waterfall? I call that ‘Navajo sunrise. At daybreak.’” Arthur smiled at his teammate, took a sip from his flask and said, “Everyone makes the playoffs.”

Honorable mention: Georgine P., for making statements like, “Who caaares?” at Captains’ meetings while still being the friendliest person in the room. Gary K., the scariest looking nicest guy ever. And a damn good hockey player. Tim B., who rivals Jamie for smiliest goalie, no matter what he’s up against.

True Teammates, a Zen Buddhist Koan

Once upon a time in BTSH there were two teammates, one who played the game skillfully and one who watched skillfully.
When the one played or discussed about a goal, the other would say: ‘I can see the goal before us.’
When the other played for victory, the watcher would exclaim: ‘Here is the victory!’
But the listener fell sick and died. The first friend cut the blade off his stick and never played again. Since that time the cutting of the blade has always been a sign of intimate friendship.

Pete W.
Pete has been a long time skilled player in the league and is considered to be the glue that has kept the core franchise players together, despite several re-brandings. Did you know we almost didn’t have Pete? At an early age, he was carefully chosen by his family to continue the Wilson tradition of training and shepherding lemmings across Northern Europe. But while cleaning his village’s library as penance for launching crab apples at his peers with a broom, he stumbled across an article in the Forbidden section on Gordie Howe. Pete was transfixed by the delicacy of The Hockey God’s rowdy nature and secretly began his training. And the rest is BTSH history. 

Al L.
A former franchise captain, Dr. Liu was an invaluable asset for Karma’s bench boss during its inaugural season, helping create the bohemian culture you see today. Before migrating back east to NYC, he spent time in California studying higher learning and herding cats for an elderly member of Vicari’s family. From this experience he wrote his thesis on understanding the behavior of a misfit. Needing a focus group to use a case study, he decided to join BTSH, but soon realized it was pointless. So he settled to apply it to the Islanders instead and now has his own university in Fort Green, Brooklyn. Win-win. 

Lisa H.
This little heartbreaker strutted into the league and our lives in 2007 at the impressionable age of 18. Taken under the wing of a female league legend, she was shown the ways of BTSH and has kept it real ever since. Lisa is considered the Mountain Dew Code Red of the LES and BTSH. Some of her accomplishments include distracting fatuous male opponents, establishing the Harrington School of Recruiting, and whooping ass. Please join me and the rest of Karma in honoring her with a collective, ‘Hubba-Hubba.’

Bill M.
Bill has been following hockey for quite some time and still has no idea how the game is played. For reasons only known to him, he’s convinced that the charging foul in basketball also applies on the TSP courts. Stubborn beyond belief, he’ll demand a penalty each time he knocks himself down on the asphalt. A small window into wrapping our heads around his mindset is comprehending a tragic incident that occurred in his youth. During his family’s visit to the island of San Lorenzo for the Presidential swearing-in ceremony of his uncle, an unfortunate icy accident transpired that left the people victim to a solid state. Since then, he has been slowly thawing out. Half the time no one has a clue what he’s talking about and after listening to him we are all more confused than when the conversation started. But we love Bill. His jovial attitude, forgiving nature, carefree approach towards life, and paying his league dues on time are just some of the many reasons why he will always remain Karma-4-life. 

Honorable mention: Andrea GC., Dave L., Angela V., Mike M., Cory V. and Danielle H.