Posts Tagged ‘Happy Little Elves’

$h0wT!m3 Division Preview

Thursday, March 20th, 2014

Joe Models The Anklebiters’ New Third Jersey

BitersPreview

Filthy Gorgeous

Strengths: Things can’t get much worse than last year…right? They still have James and Suvin, and when the two are paired together, Filthy is extremely dangerous. If, for some reason, James and Suvin are no longer on the team, then things can get a lot worse.

Weaknesses: They had a little bit of an attendance problem last year. Dan and Caroline got engaged and moved to Washington, D.C. mid-season. There were some pregnancies, too. Others just did not show up all that much. It’s a minor miracle that they were able to field a roster for the playoffs, as Monica had to put her entire roster in for playoff exemptions. And What The Puck captain Larry Zimmer still voted no for every single one.

Fun Fact: Monica is considering having a throwback day, and thus bringing back the lime-green jerseys, when they face the Elves on August 10.

Random Hockey Related YouTube Video: Filthy’s 2013 season went a little like this.

Gouging Anklebiters

Strengths: Which team allowed the fewest goals in BTSH last season? Yep, it’s the Anklebiters, who gave up just 25 goals across 18 games. Some of the credit for this achievement goes to goalie Craig LaCombe, and some of the credit goes to an air-tight shutdown defense. This is a very united team, both on and off the court.

Weaknesses: Congratulations Anklebiters! You just won the Larsen Division! Your prize, which you must accept, is promotion to the Tagliarino Conference. It comes with a tougher division, a tougher schedule, and a noticeably less chill attitude. And Sarah Moore gets to face roommate Lisa Harrington and La Famiglia twice a season now.

Fun Fact: Craig’s ability at throwing his goalie stick has caught the eyes of USA Track and Field. He is considered a dark horse candidate in the javelin for the 2016 Summer Olympic Games.

Random Hockey Related YouTube Video: Tuukka Rask is not impressed.

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Know Your Neighbor

Thursday, May 30th, 2013

tbeau

Name: Trevor Beauclair
Nickname: T-Beau
Rejected Nicknames: Beauclair Barrage, Big Baby, TB, Tre, T-Vor
Origin: Burlington, Ontario
College: Stonehill College
First Job: Jelly doughnut filler at the Mapleview Centre’s Tim Horton’s
Current Job: Analyst at CIBC
Early Aspirations: To be invited to the grown-ups table

Current Aspirations: To be invited to the grown-ups table
Favorite Things: The ladies, Nak, Toronto Maple Leafs, making fart noises with his armpit, a good lager
Least Favorite Things: Gary Bettman, mornings, wearing a bib, deoderant
Fast Fact: Trevor likes to order the Boy Wonder
when dining out at his favorite restaurant.
Hockey Comparison: Eric Staal
Non-Hockey Comparison: Steve Stifler
Best Known For: Making inappropriate comments towards the women of BTSH
Less (But Still Partly) Known For: Making inappropriate comments towards the men of BTSH
Guilty Pleasure: Watching Glee with Ryan Nakahara and a big tub of buttered popcorn
First celebrity Crush: Beckie Scott
First Concert: Barenaked Ladies, 24 November 2000
Reason to Love Him: He’s got some skills on the court and in the bar.
Reason to Hate Him: He has made at least one female you know very uncomfortable.
Things The Media Will Continue to Overhype About Him: That he’s a face…although even we’re starting to give up on that notion.
What His Teammates Say About Him: “He’s done some awful things, but I still love him.” – Jenna Cruff

Media Award Nominations

Monday, October 24th, 2011

Is This BTSH’s Biggest Face?

This Sunday, BTSH will once again hold its annual year-end extravaganza. Festivities will be held at Parkside Lounge following the conclusion of the championship game. This season, in addition to presenting several prestigious awards, the media will proudly host this distinguished event. To build your anticipation, here are this season’s media awards and nominees:

The Award For The Regular Season Scoring Champion

  • Denis Miciletto (La Famiglia)

The Award For Best Goals Against Average

  • Dustin “Fake Dutch’s Brother” Olson (Corlears Hookers)

Biggest Face

  • Trevor “T-Beau” Beauclair (Happy Little Elves)
  • Georgine “Mulva” Paulin (Butchers)
  • Joe Polowczuk (Unicorns)
  • Corey “Chongo” Winters (What The Puck)

Best Duo

  • Rich Glanzer (Happy Little Elves) & Matt Workman (Filthy Gorgeous)
  • Denis Miciletto & Shafiq “Off Black” Perry (La Famiglia)
  • Derek Tagliarino & Eli Kazin (Mathematics)
  • Mike Smith & The Anonymous Mathematics General Manager (Mathematics)

Most Underrated Female

  • Jenna Cruff (Happy Little Elves)
  • Chelsea Hicks (Poutine Machine)
  • Libby Lewis (Corlears Hookers)
  • Ashley Singer (Fresh Kills)

Most Underrated Male

  • Tom (Gut Rot)
  • Lawrence Goldstein (LBS, Inc.)
  • Kevin MacDonald (Poutine Machine)
  • Cory Watkinson (Sky Fighters)

The Stacy S. Kehoe Award For Toughness & Grace

  • Tiffany Hagge (Corlears Hookers)
  • Katie Hasty (Mega Touch)
  • Stacy S. Kehoe (Rehabs)
  • Lilly Preston (Mathematics)

The Jon “Dinner Plate” Feldman Award For Agitation and Instigation

  • Peter Lang (Cobra Kai)
  • Luisa Mirarchi (Dark Rainbows)
  • Jeremy “The Foot” Schumacher (Gouging Anklebiters)
  • Jesse Scolaro (Corlears Hookers)

The Fifth Annual Bob Weyersberg Award For Outstanding Achievement In The Field Of Excellence

  • Dan Hopper (Sky Fighters)
  • David Ladanyi (La Famiglia)
  • Patrick “Sven” Larsen (Poutine Machine)
  • David Sokolyansky (Fresh Kills)

The Brendan “Flounder” Hay Memorial Award (Female)

  • Heather (Gut Rot)
  • Michelle Bressler (Tompkins Square Riots)
  • Courtney (Unicorns)
  • Diane Johnston (La Famiglia)

The Brendan “Flounder” Hay Memorial Award (Male)

  • Mike Haas (Poutine Machine)
  • Nick Hobbs (Fresh Kills)
  • Dan “D.O.” Owens (Filthy Gorgeous)
  • Danny Polinsky (Denim Demons)

Playoff Preview: Semifinals (Part I)

Tuesday, October 18th, 2011

We May Have Reached An Elves Saturation Point

#14 Happy Little Elves (10-7-1-2) at #2 Fresh Kills (13-4-2)
Location: Tompkins West, 2:00 PM
All-Time Series: Happy Little Elves lead 3-1
2011 Result: Week 16 – Game canceled due to “hurricane fears”
Game Notes: Although the Happy Little Elves have advanced to the semifinals, they have been suffering from internal turmoil since Week 17.  During their game against the Gouging Anklebiters, goaltender Shaun deLacy ranted for nearly six minutes about captains Ben Chadwick and Rich Glanzer’s egregious abuses of power over the last few months.  He was only silenced when Glanzer finally pulled him from the game, in yet another alleged abuse of his captaincy.  In the ensuing weeks, deLacy continued to voice his disapproval with Elves management, while slowly gaining his teammates’ and the fans’ support.  However, his crusade was dealt a setback in the opening round of the playoffs, when deLacy arrived 20 minutes late for his game, following a mysterious, anonymous text message that read, “G@m3 m0v3d.  $T@rT T!m3 n0w 4.”  This miscommunication only furthered deLacy’s cause, as he was incensed that his captains could allow this to happen.  As a result, deLacy and several other Elves, including Jerome “Hornswoggle” Ramos and Courtney McBride, sought the legal counsel of Julie Katz (who is a lawyer) to discuss potential legal action over the “hostile and unsafe workplace” that Chadwick and Glanzer had created.  The captains retaliated by gathering the entire team in the middle of the Tompkins Square Park for a vote of confidence in their regime.  Representatives for the offense, defense, women, and goaltenders all attended and voiced their opinions.  In the end, the majority of the team, including Garrett “Ax” Carrino, Melanie Pessin, Gil Valdes, and Gil’s son, voted “no confidence” and walked out on their captains.  Only a small handful did not walk out, including Ryan Nakahara (who has always preached “hustle, loyalty, and respect”), Melissa Budnick, and Rob “Smash” Muggeo, who no-showed after not responding to the meeting’s evite.  As a result of this overwhelming lack of confidence, the Elves Board of Directors, made up of Dr. Byron Clavicle, Grüte Skullbasher, the Great Gazoo, and Jonathan “The Barnacle” Levine, had no choice but to oust Chadwick and Glanzer from their positions.  In their place, the Board has appointed league face Trevor “T-Beau” Beauclair as interim captain and general manager.  Meanwhile, Fresh Kills enters this semifinal matchup on the heels of a convincing 6-0 victory against the Dark Rainbows.
Keys To The Game For The Happy Little Elves:
1. After a deLacy-like 3.73 GAA during the regular season, goaltender Shaun deLacy is having a very deLacy-like postseason.  Thus far, he has allowed just four goals in nearly three full games.  Like last season, the Elves will depend on his solid play to advance to the final.
2. Sophomore brunette, Ryan Nakahara, who only has loyalty to Chadwick and Glanzer, has decided not to play in this semifinal contest.  Nak has scored five of the Elves’ nine playoff goals.
3. Due to his modesty, interim captain Trevor “T-Beau” Beauclair is very uncomfortable in his new found spotlight.  Can this generally well-liked Canadian bring some unity to this now divided team?
Keys To The Game For Fresh Kills:
1. Captain Dave Sokolyansky and his team will be looking to enact revenge on the team that eliminated them from last year’s postseason.  Soko claims to have learned from last season’s mistakes and has vowed not to call a timeout if his team is winning by a goal with fewer than two minutes remaining.
2. This team features some of the best players you’ve never heard of.  Notables include Nick Scott (not to be confused with Nick Hobbs), Sarah Hobart, and Ashley Singer, who all scored on Sunday against the Rainbows.  And what the hell is a Matt Kazior?
3. Fresh Kills newcomer Scott Lee (not to be confused with Nick Scott) led his team to victory last week with two goals, including a breakaway caused by speed and cherry-picking.  For the remainder of the game, his teammates consistently tried to set him up for the hat trick, but as usual, he could not finish the job.
Eli’s Pick: Fresh Kills.  The Elves have won seven playoff games in a row, but this includes two wins in overtime, one in a shootout, and one at the final gun of regulation.  At some point, the breaks have to go the other way.
Derek’s Pick: Happy Little Elves.  This one’s pretty close to a toss-up for me, and I’m not sure I have a good reason for picking them.  What I do know is that the Elves enter every postseason game with a specific strategy, and so far, they have executed it perfectly.
Watchability: 5 Rhas. Two former champions in a playoff rematch.  What more could you ask for?

Week 19 Preview

Thursday, September 22nd, 2011

Georgine’s More Of A Steelers Fan

GAME OF THE WEEK
Butchers (8-7-1) at Happy Little Elves (7-6-1-2)
Location: Tompkins East, 2:00 PM
All-Time Series: First Meeting
Game Notes: The Butchers and the Happy Little Elves may be tied in the overall standings heading into the final weekend of the regular season, but both teams have taken different paths to get here. The Butchers (aside from Ben Bloom) have put an emphasis on defense this season, beginning with the free agent signing of the glass-jawed Chris “Creamy” DiMotta. Bolstered by his presence, the team has surrendered fewer than two goals per game this season, and goaltender Eric Ramirez is fourth in the league with a 1.67 goals against average. The Happy Little Elves, on the other hand, have put no emphasis on defense at all. The team has yielded the third most goals in BTSH, but it has countered this flaw with the league’s top-ranked offense. The tandem of Gil Valdes and brunette sophomore Ryan Nakahara leads the Elves’ deep and explosive attack with 12 goals apiece. In this, the first meeting between these two teams, how will the Elves’ offense fare against the stingy Butchers defense?
Keys To The Game:
1. Although the Butchers have focused on defense this season, the team has also produced two of the league’s top scorers in Ben Bloom and “The Charismatic Enigma” Arthur Revechkis (né Weezy). The duo has combined for 27 of the team’s 44 goals.
2. Perhaps due to their new found “Fun and Gun” style of play, six of the Elves’ games have been tied at the end of regulation play.  However, the team has been relatively opportunistic in extra time with three wins via shootout and one tie.
3. With both of these teams locked in a four-way tie (with the Dark Rainbows and Mathematics) for 11th place, this game carries tremendous playoff implications.  Most likely, the loser of this matchup will fall into the bottom eight of the league and have to win five games in a row to claim the BTSH championship.  The winner stands a good shot to receive a restful bye next Sunday, when the opening weekend games are played.
Eli’s Pick: No pick.  Eli will be reffing this game.
Derek’s Pick: Happy Little Elves.  Captain Glanzer finally forces his team to clamp down on D.
Watchability: 4.5 Hawks.  Ka-kaw!

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