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Welcome to the 2016 BTSH Round of Four, which will hopefully become the Round of Two (also known as the PBR Cup) later in the day.  And, after the championship game, we celebrate the closing of the season at Parkside Lounge with awesome drink specials and the 2016 BTSH Championship team of assholes generally acceptable and friendly people, whose captain has still not fully paid the contract for the trade of two of my players.  In other words, Brian, the PBR Cup currently has a lien on it.

On that same note thinking about the Cup–do we even know where the PBR Cup is?

Pounds v. Fresh Kills

LBS won the first two meetings this season. Can they win a third?

by Sam

This past week’s Pounds vs. Filthier was, in and of itself, a championship quality game the whole way through.  How did the Pounds win that game?  It came down to about 40% luck, as all one goal ball hockey games do, and 40% to Luke for breaking through so many players and potting two goals*.

Will Ali’s Pound Town show up again in full force?  They’re going to need to against the Kills, but if Tim Brown shows up and Jake finally gets to a game, the Pounds have a big shot at winning this thing, which will line up a fantastic championship against either the Sky Fighters or Rehabs.

Fresh Kills are looking strong this year, again.  Not only were they able to put 5 between the pipe against Tim B the Goalie, but they may do the exact same thing against Tim B the Original Goalie (reduced to Tim B the OG).  If all the boys in blue show up Sunday and get ready to run their ass off against the fastest Pounds team in recent history, they may really rain some hell.  I don’t really know any of the girls on FK, so that’s about the end of this preview, except that this game is likely going to overtime.

*I also don’t know how to allocate that other 20%.

by Isaac

Well I do know a couple of the women on Fresh Kills and they are fierce.  LBS might be the first to a loose ball, but Sheena, Natasha & Co. usually have the last word.

The scary version of FK that no one has been talking about is how focused Gabe and Rush were against Karma and Butchers.  If they bring that same determination against Karsten and Scott (where’s Jake been?  he does know this is the playoffs?  right?) then LBS could blow their top and lose their cool.

Prediction: Fresh Kills rediscovered how to have fun first and win second during the regular season.  And as much as I like this LBS crew, Soko and his gang will be joking around right into the Finals against…

Rehabs v. Sky Fighters — Semi-final rematch gets you doubled up preview!

Balls are sure to be flying in this one.

by Sam

Who would have thought, except maybe Mike Teytelbaum, that the Sky Fighters would be now in the round of 4? I mean, I hoped they would have lost to my team, but after winning, I hoped they would of beaten (T)the Fuzz.  Turns out they did, so I’m not sure what else they are capable of.

Regardless of whether Roman plays, Greg will be bringing some nasty.

by Isaac

Rematch of last year’s Semifinal in which the upstart Rehabs knocked out the Hopper lead Sky Fighters sending a shock-wave throughout the league.  But this year it is the Sky Fighters that are the underdog in this contest and neither will be taking the other lightly.

Olivier and Caroline have done an outstanding job captaining the Fighters this year (an award nominating worthy performance).  Their in-season adjustments of moving Greg to defense and having Mia torment goalies Sean Avery style have paid dividends in the playoffs.  (Just go ask Fuzz.)  If they want to survive this battle, then they’ll need Roman the Destroyer to return IR to assist Alexis with stifling the potent Rehabs’ offense.

The Rebabs on the other hand chose to make adjustments by bringing in outside.  They made significant upgrades at key positions at the expense of their captain’s BTSH spirit and soul. With the Showtime narrative of riding back and forth into and from the sunset being all too well known, the ‘Habs traded for the fundamentally sound Ramirez in net.  Ensuring each contest wouldn’t end up being a defensive battle they brought back the lethal talents or Ryann and traded in-season for the masculinity of Joey-B and versatility Amber.

X-Factor for Sky Fighters: Scoops always steps up her game in the playoffs.  She’s been creeping closer and closer to that sweet spot above the crease and could put one home.

X-Factor for Rehabs: Ramy is wicked fast and always plays like a possessed Wolverine.  Last year he split the Sky Fighters defense late in the second half and drilled one up Stein’s five-hole.  Will he be able to do it again?

Prediction: the Sky Fighters will keep this one competitive for the most part, but the Rehabs will be moving on to the Finals.

ATTENTION: don’t stray too far from the courts after these two games.  The Finals will be played shortly after on the West Court.  So grab some snacks, restock on beverages and sharpen your heckling banter because THIS IS IT!  The Championship Game for the BTSH PBR Cup!!!

The Round of Eight is finally here!  Will there be a rainout?  I don’t know–there was an 80% chance of rain on Saturday on Wednesday, now there’s a 40% chance that may shift the day of the downpour to Friday or … Sunday!  Will Hurricane Matthew Newman let us play?!

But wait, Mr. Met is no longer in the playoffs, so who could possibly replace him?  This guy, he’s someone you definitely don’t want to see on your court Sunday, and definitely not in the Round of 4’s.

But, this type of vague information on weather.com calls for a hero.  Like someone who used to work at a news service, preferably in broadcasting or reporting, possibly chased people around in a car who were talking on their cell phone, and has deep contacts with a Long Island weatherman.  Well, this sucks, I know an asshole with that background, but surely not a hero.

Fresh Kills v. Butchers

Neither team submitted their mad libs against humanity, so I guess they get a real preview…

Fresh Kills has been a solid team all year, when their studs show up to play.  You know who I’m talking about–any one on their roster.  This year, they’ve seen short benches here and there, but if Tom, Gabe, Ariel, Pat Moore, and a few others make it with a strong Barch in net, they’re going to have a real strong showing against the Butchers.

But the Butchers are not to be underestimated.  Posting the best season and strongest squad in Butcher history, the Meats will also be a force to reckon with.  Their speed across the board may make it hard for Moore to track and Gabe and Ariel to chase down.  While the Butchers’ captain, Dana, hangs out in the best vineyards in Tuscany, her squad will be playing in a franchise-defining game.

Although 2011 had a good squad, the 2016 Meats are really stacked.  It also doesn’t look like anyone in this photo has aged in the last 5 years.  Good on you!

Will a Butchers win be an upset?  No, not really, if you have ever watched the Amazin’ Meats team this year.  I don’t know who will come out on top, but it’s going to be a nail-biting game, possibly going into OT.

Lbs, Inc. v. Filthier

Last week Filthier had a Mr. Flopper of a game.  Their soiled in oil performance, which was tantamount to the Rainbow’s no douches in this crease style of play was a real test.  Luckily, pen15 pulled a baseball bat down a hallway maneuver to win the game.

But, the Pounds are looking to give it to them doggy style by the dog pound, making them all lubricated and milky.  This game will get interesting if this happens.

Meanwhile, Filthier did not submit their mad libs against humanity, so they’re previews are looking a bit more bleak.  Will Denny and the Gang take back control of their playoff run?  Will Adela be roster checked because she’s only showed up twice or so this season?  With Shaq back from Oktoberfest or wherever the hell he was, and the perfect duo, James and Ann, on the prowl, the game’s final score will be left up to both teams’ stellar goaltending.

G. Anklebiters v. Rehabs

The Anklebiters are known for taking teams to the final minutes of playoff games.  With Ben, Derho, and their secret shooting weapon who shall not be named, Eric Ramirez may have some trouble coming his way.  Despite not posting a phenomenal season record, they can go toe to toe with any team in this league.  A few bounces their way, with some grit and hustle, is going to make this game a true $H0wD0wN.

In that same vein, the Rehabs are looking incredibly strong this year.  They acquired two players from inarguably the best team in league history for a pastrami sandwich from Tompkins Finest Deli, but they may have to forfeit this game due to these illegal players after their captain failed to pay the “next round of beer is on us” clause of the contract, which has been outstanding for more than 8 weeks.  With two of the best women constantly on defense and a swath of hunks always prepared to shoot the ball, the Anklebiters may become moreover nailbiters this game, as Craig is going to have to do a lot to keep them out of the net.

Sky Fighters v. Fuzz

And finally, the preview that I’ve been waiting to get to.  Not because of a certain affinity for either team, but because over the past couple days, I learned a lot about Rich Glanzer by asking a simple question: can you please send me a set of nouns, verbs, adjectives/adverbs, and sexual innuendoes for a mad libs/cards against humanity preview?  So, this is what we are left with–when you thought commas were an issue–nouns, verbs, and sexual innuendoes are just as hard to come by…

While the Skyfighters are coming off a win against the team with the biggest pipe organs BTSH has ever known, the Fuzz is going to have to Cosby and gush the Skyfighters’ lubricious defense.  Will Fuzz’s stubby be enough to break through Bob W’s and Greg’s gelatinous zone?  With Jeff’s diddle and Rich’s squishy, things are going to get weird.

Fuzz looks on at disgust from what Rich sent me.

Meanwhile, the Fuzz is going to have to be slippery, oily, creamy, buttery, gloopy, gooey, lush, glossy, blubbery, moist, and make this the worst previews in Round of 8 history due to Rich sending me his breakfast menu, instead of what was asked. And, Familia sucks.  If I had a dollar for every time I said that to Mets fans over the last two years, I’d have enough money for a significant vacation.

Sky Fighters at Mathematics
by Richiepoothang

It’s the playoffs so there will be no dopey preview mentioning how the Rainbows hold each other’s hand singing kumbaya after each goal against. Let’s talk hockey.

Sky at Math.  What a matchup.

The game plan is simple: stop this guy.

It’s depth vs. star in this one. Mike T. had one of the best seasons in BTSH history, scoring more than half of his team’s goals with 24. Meanwhile, Math spreads out their goals a little more evenly. Half of Math’s 52 goals were scored by players currently on their team, like Elly, Justin and Derk. The other half were scored by players no longer on Math, like Cherie, Amber and Joey.

(PS. Cherie is the real female scoring leader, those goals happened and she deserves the title, but that’s none of my business.)

Prediction: Stein always steps up in big games and Mike T. is force that can’t be stopped. But Math’s secondary scoring will prove too much for Sky, as they win 3-2 in overtime. And unlike those rubes who always pick overtime or close games, I rarely do. It’ll be Bradley with the game winner. (-0.5 goals)

Denim Demons at LBS, Inc.
by Isaac

A round of 16 matchup featuring division rivals is always a personal favorite of mine.  Because bad blood undeniably makes for a memorable encounter.   As talented as these two teams are it does seem a bit unfair (and early) for one of them to be sent packing to next Sunday’s scrimmage line.  But that is our current playoff format and the merciless nature of the playoffs.

This season the Demons have been a tale of two teams: one with riches at every position and the other desperately trying to scrap together a squad for Sunday.  At the beginning of the season they got off to a hot start and it appeared that they would be contending for not only the Katz division title, but also the coveted overall top seed.  But oh my how quickly life can change in BTSH.  Their fast paced style of sharp passes, strategic spacing and sound cycling was quickly undone by injuries that eventually eroded all they had worked for.  Despite their bad luck Rubens and J-Po were able to keep the Demons competitive by bringing up talent from their farm team in the Yeshiva League (Seffi!!!).  (Okay, wait.  This is starting to sound more like an end of season eulogy, so let’s move on…)

Ali and her LBS are feeling pretty good about their chances.

Out of these two teams, LBS, Inc. has been the more consistent and balanced one throughout the season.  On their way to earning the top spot in the Mid-Season Power Rankings they swept the season series against the Demons for a combined goals differential of 6-1.  Since then they’ve only become more lethal by adding an offensive force to their top line that keeps all opposing teams up the night before.  But they have also developed cracks in their defense.  Sam and that ‘dude that looks like Jim Morrison’ have been delivering a shaky performance in front of distinguished former commissioner Timmy Baby.  If they don’t seal that up, then it is hello Upset City.

X-factor for Demons: the defensive prowess of JR.  Regardless of which position she’s taking a shift at she can cause turnovers and find an open streaking teammate up the line.

X-factor for LBS: the speed and agility of Scott and Liz.  They are usually the first ones to a loose ball and both know how to apply an ample amount of pressure.

Prediction: The Demons have the juice to pull off an upset, but the difference in this one will be who is in net.  Timmy Baby and LBS, Inc. will move on to the next round 3-1.  (-2.5 goals)

What The Puck at Fuzz
by Hornswoggle V to the R

Introduction

In a key playoff clash between Stoke City and Crystal Palace, it will be clear that the former will take on an attacking role, whereas the latter will be looking to “park the bus” the entire match.

Before I digress any further, my beloved Poo-squad lost to Crys—erm I mean, What the Puck (hereinafter “WTP”)—last Sunday and I am so disappointed in myself for not being there (even though we still would’ve lost anyway… haha). But Brian “Brian Sullivan Alert” Sullivan and a few Poutiners did kill it in trivia post-game, so I guess not all was lost.

Anyway. Never have the Orange Crush faced Fizz before, and if anyone has played at least a season of BTSH playoffs, he/she knows that its games are fraught with uncertainties, even with high-seeded teams. The Glanzer Dome has placed the final touches on its northern stand (read: the side where all the balls skitter under the fence, which has now been barricaded by extra wooden planks), and both teams can finally relish in perfect weather, free-flowing, don’t be a dick ball hockey.

When Eric H isn’t lighting the lamp in a shootout for WTP, he’s moving the ball for Crystal Palace.

The teams

First-seeded Fuzz/Fizz (14-2-1, +38) has galvanized their seat in BTSH history by achieving league greatness in their inaugural season. An impressive two losses during the regular season ties the Butchers, but the team’s ability to light the lamp was second to none (84 goals). A realistic expectation would be that Sunday’s faceoff would be no different than any other game, even if a “win or go home” mindset lingered in the minds of all of the Fuzz personnel.

Fizz all day ‘erry day.

What should Fuzz do to win? The guys and gals in the navy-volt swatches should play business as usual. Their run-and-gun style has enabled all its lines to exploit opponent defenses and create several scoring opportunities. Scoring early leads to scoring often. WTP’s male players take up space and are mobile, so smarter passing and moving without possession can and will further bewilder them. Creating confusion will exhaust WTP’s efficiency and desire to take the match.

It’s a different scenario for 19^th-seed What the Puck (4-11-2, -19), the squad that’s continuing to build momentum and chemistry. Three of their four regular season victories came from teams that seeded between 13 and 20 (Gremlins, Dark Rainbows, Gut Rot), meaning that extra efforts and diligence on and off the court will be necessary to stave off Fuzz’s offensive output. Certainly, a pre-playoff poll demonstrated that very few hoped the mandarin-clad crew would advance, meaning that any burden of expectation is close to nonexistent. That said, WTP can proceed with positive and proactive views coming into the match.

Automatic advancement to the sweet sixteen if a WTP member plays in the orange version of this.

What should WTP do to win? Establishing roles early is crucial to part of the battle. Fuzz’s players are versatile, so figuring out who the pivotal players are, covering them, and sticking to plan will be beneficial. Keeping shape and consistency are the next steps. If a WTP player is out of position, communication is necessary so that a teammate can cover for him/her. Finally, everyone will have to contribute in making smart sequences so that those privy on scoring can put one (or more) past Fuzz’s goalie, whom I think may be the most exploitable in the squad. Moving to empty space, smart passing, short shifts, knowing roles: playing economical will have Fuzz scrambling to search for access points; also, timely chances to score can ensure WTP advancing to the round of 16.

Match result

It’s likely that Fizz can handily take this game. WTP will probably ride the high of last Sunday [of winning a scintillating game over Poutine] until Friday night into Saturday morning, when the alcohol subsides… and the once effervescent thoughts of playing fall Sunday hockey are overshadowed by having to face a Goliath-esque opponent. Winning against Fizz will be a tall order, but if Adidas says that “nothing is impossible”, then nothing will be impossible for What the Puck. However, Fizz seizes the day, much to the chagrin of Ben “The Washkenazi” Chadwick (for seeing a squad of lime greens move onto the next round), 4-1. (-3.5 goals)

Last year the Rehabs got a nice postseason schedule, pulled off a some quality upsets (maybe not upsets?) and got trounced in the championship game by Filthier. Meanwhile the Gremmies pulled off an amazing last second upset over the Demons. But that was last year and this Sunday the two square off in what promises to be a massacre.

The Rehabs brought on some dude named Alex, another long blonde haired guy that looks like Noah Syndaagard and of course Eric Ramirez. If that wasn’t enough they added Joey and Amber mid-season from Math.

What’s better than watermelon and BTSH playoffs? The Red Sox apparently.

The Gremlins lost Hicks, lost a lot of games and were on a downward spiral that saw relegation in their future. But that all changed the moment Zach and Diane got married. I mean one had nothing to do with the other but they haven’t lost since the pair said their I do’s.

Not only did the Gremmies avoid relegation, they won their play-in game.

Prediction: The Gremlins allegedly will have a short bench, which actually is perfect. If they play lock down defense, dump and don’t chase, try not to score, but make sure there are no rebounds, they can pull off a monumental upset.

But they will do none of that and lose 6-0. (-5.5 goals)