btsh.org

by Jerome V to the R

The only two things that are certain in these rankings are: that Fresh Kills have come out the gate dominating, and that I may be biased in my ranking.

What else could anyone say about this season other than how exciting it’s been? Those of you relegated to just reading these articles should head over to become a member of the BTSH Hockey Facebook site, because it’s saturated with pictures of the matches (a collaborative effort from Tia and Jamie), lots of hockey talk, and the usual joshing over Fuzz’s Richie. But just as the media has been churning articles for your enjoyment, so have all the teams with their goal scorers! Since my days out at Corlears Hook Park watching drunken hockey players tricycle relaying postgame, BTSH has been producing a diverse yet elite-worthy group of people good enough to take the international stage.  Their style of play has been both witnessed on the court and even livestreamed online.

The methodology for the ranking wasn’t so simple… in fact, I depended a lot on intuition. Also, knowing who’s on the teams and having an organized results table have been extremely helpful. Isaac and I have had quite a few tête-à-têtes both in person and through email that I’d think twice about putting Poutine as the #2 seed. But in the end, I did, and probably to your (the reader’s) consternation. But if you were feeling good about your team, maybe you’d put your team in a good position? Just some thoughts.

Most difficult in this task was setting ranks #9 to #16. Even those teams have very talented personnel—some of whom are on the top scorers’ list—but a winning or losing streak could set themselves up for success or failure in the following weeks, which is why I’ve set up a trend predictor to determine a team’s direction. If you’re on a team in a downtrend: have patience and optimism! If you’re on a team with an uptrend or in a high position: I hope your teammates show up and keep the team on pace because we’ve a long summer!

With all that written… maybe some of you have taken these rankings seriously. Maybe there’s a fire burning inside of you so much that you’re on your way to Tompkins already, or climbing up the Rocky Steps after your three-egg yolk juice, or probably having your choice words for me at the ready. There’s no need to do any of those things (except, maybe keep that fire!), but hell, I won’t stop you. I’ll see y’all swole selves on Sunday.

And.  Here.  We.  Go!

1. Fresh Kills
The obvious choice.  They are making the unprecedented push of being the Golden State Warriors of BTSH.
Trending: Elite

2. Poutine Machine
Making a bullish statement.  Their current 7-2 is the kind of pushback Sven would love to see in person since his departure.
Trending: Overachieving

3. Rehabs
Title holders still have what it takes to repeat, but the top teams in all divisions have thwarted challenges at them.
Trending: Strong

4. Filthier
This squad is sitting humbly, but the 2015 champions know what they’re worth.  Still quite threatening to most.
Trending: Sideways

5. Gremlins
Our Fairy Tale Cup champion goons outscore everyone, even Fresh Kills.  At least our caged-helmet comrade will convince you his team is the best.
Trending: Up

6. LBS, Inc.
Don’t be fooled: even without Timmy-baby, the squad has enough depth to assume that any major departure is irrelevant.
Trending: Up

7. Cobra Kai
A brush with glory having almost won against Fresh Kills + overpowering W9 against the Hookers = pole position in their division.
Trending: Steady

8. Mathematics
Although a recent loss to Fresh Kills is a setback, D-Tag’s successors are staunch defenders, and the Norris clan is still dominant.
Trending: Steady

9. Corlears Hookers
In a three-way tie for points in their division, their record is still good.  Consistency in attendance is crucial.
Trending: Sideways

10. Gouging Anklebiters
Probie and the elite goalie tandem round out the top 10.  If they avoid costly mistakes against lower teams, they’ll be fine.
Trending: Steady

11. What The Puck
Conceptually, no single person carries a team, but Zac’s 10 goals help to further inject life and tenacity for the Orange Crush.
Trending: Up

12. Fuzz
Still a team with players worthy of playing in the top division, Rich can pick his players up from the doldrums of a below .500 record.
Trending: Underachieving

13. Butchers
Rachel’s crimson tide is in the course of stabilizing with a 4-win streak with Pete and MDF making waves.
Trending: Up

14. Sky Fighters
Where are the Czechs?  The Teytelbaums have been trying to hold the fort, and there’s only one Olivier and Mia each on the team.
Trending: Down

15. Gut Rot
The perennial bottom-dwellers, due to stellar goaltending and Peaches’ sass, have made moves to have a voice in hockey louder than Ellery’s.
Trending: Drunk

16. Denim Demons
Reconstructing the team has been a tough task for Jenn and Adam, but a solid win in W9 with Brian’s hatty may be the spark to returning to old form.
Trending: Down

17. Instant Karma
A handful of the team is probably older than most of the league, but never nix the adage ‘age over beauty.’  Experience means a lot.
Trending: Sideways

18. Tompkins Square Riots
Possibly still starstruck from all that has been going on, Dave GDR and the Riots are in limbo.  If they straighten out this summer, they’ll be fine.
Trending: Sideways

19. Mega Touch
After nine game did the 2016 formerly-known-as-Greene-division winners finally post a win this season.  Moral: put it in Brady’s wheelhouse.
Trending: Up

20. Dark Rainbows
Still shocked at the loss of Camber and Tyrell ‘Jesus,’ this rebuilding squad is desperate for a resurrection.
Trending: Steady

Trending definitions:
Elite: the top team in the league.
Strong: playing just as well as the top team.
Steady: playing at the level of Ranking.
Up: improving each week and moving up in the Rankings.
Sideways: exactly where they were when the season started.
Underachieving: not living up to expectations.
Down: less activity and interest.

Alright, so maybe we are past the midway point. But what better way to usher in the new league website than with a Power Rankings post!  And it is about time we started doing this…

 1. LBS, Inc.
 The most all around sound team this season in BTSH.  The young pup Jake with old man Karsten make them a two-punch scoring threat along with Liz and Ali applying pressure from anywhere on the courts.  And Timmy Baby has been superb in net.
Trending: Elite

 2. Rehabs
 Damn.  Have you seen this team play over the past couple of weeks?  They are effing stacked.  Aside from the additions of Ramirez in net and bringing back Ryann, Welch has built this team with outside talent and promoting from their farm affiliate.  Staying true to their roots, the defense has been setting the tone and Sena has made it extremely difficult for any offense to find their way onto the scoring sheet.  You’ve done well Welch.
Trending: Strong

 3. Fuzz
 While the Rehabs built their team with outside talent, Rich & Co. decided to build from within the league to create this Super Team.  That might have put a little stink on them, but they don’t care.  Jeff, Hicks, Paul and Coach are getting the job done every week.  And they could possibly be drinking from a certain cup by the end of the season.
Trending: Up

 4. Fresh Kills
 No longer concerned with being the dominant team throughout the regular season, the Kills have figured out how to have fun and win at the same time.  Their core of Barch, Soko, Natasha, Gabe and Ariel have remained sturdy all season.  Plus the additional scoring from Tom and Sarah have been a breath of fresh air.
Trending: Steady

 5. Denim Demons
 Despite offseason losses of key players, and fighting the injury bug throughout season, the Demons have remained competent and competitive.  But how long can one team’s luck last?  Therefore Zach, Josh and Popack will need to continue to prop this team up if they want to remain in the hut for the division title.
Trending: Sideways

 6. Cobra Kai
 Don’t fall for their record. The evil dojo may have started the season off quiet, but they have been making some noise lately.  Rachel and Will are in the top ten in scoring and Liam can turn it on anytime he wants to.  The question down the stretch is does he want to?
Trending: Up

 7. Filthier
 After overcoming early season adversity, Filthier or Filthiest or #whogivesashit have found their mojo again and been having fun putting it on display.  That being said, they’ll need to prove it against a top five team before we can consider them as a repeat offender contender.
Trending: Sideways

 8. Butchers
 The Super Team of the formerly-known-as-Showtime Division!  Crisp passing and spacing have been their winning formula along with Pete seeming to always be in the right place at the right time.  With Drake crashing the net and MDF back in the mix we don’t see this team slowing down anytime soon.
Trending: Up

 9. Sky Fighters
 How’s the formerly-known-as-Katz Division taste?  Not too good, huh.  As polished as this team is defensively, their goal differential of a -11 is a bit eyebrow raising. Aside from Mike, nobody else has been able to regularly find the back of the net.  
Trending: Down

 10. Gouging Anklebiters
 Talk about quietly playing up to par.  The Biters have been keeping it 100 despite the frequent absences of Probie, Joe P, Derho and Worky.  Cheekbones has done a formidable job at protecting Craigers and the rest of their defenders will need to continue to follow her lead.
Trending: Sideways

 11. Mathematics
 Too talented to be in this spot.  Plain and simple.  (Having said that, I can’t get rid of this nagging feeling that Sam, Cherie, Zach, Justin and Roxy are playing coy with us.  Just coasting through the season until the playoffs begin and then bringing their game faces.)
Trending: Underachieving

 12. Instant Karma
 The best part about this team is their goaltender.  Mike has been playing at an all-star level and has given them a chance to win every game.  Unfortunately, inconsistent scoring and untimely turnovers has plagued Karma.  With the hardest stretch of their schedule still in front of them we’ll learn a lot about this team right before the playoffs.
Trending: Sideways

 13. Mega Touch
 Grit and gusto and so much more have vaulted this team into the middle of the pack.  Julie, Brady and Adriano have developed the chemistry we’ve been waiting for and the other Touches are playing an inspired brand of ball hockey.  The recent acquisition of free agent Jeff and inevitable return of the rugged Gunner has this team on the up and up.
Trending: Up

 14. Corlears Hookers
 The Hookers have been like a box of chocolates this season, from week to week we never know which team we are going to get.  Gone are the days of being a destructive force and say hello to the Cro-daddy era.  Tiffany, Sarah and Noelle have stayed true to form, but when are the rest of them going to show up?
Trending: Down

 15. Poutine Machine
 For the second year in a row the Machine has had to start their season off with a brutal schedule.  Despite facing offensive powerhouses they have only allowed 17 goals thus far.  Hornswoggle is back from his travels and this is the time of year when he begins to heat up.
Trending: Up

 16. What The Puck
 Lack of consistent play has the Pucks down a couple more spots than where they probably belong.  Emily has been a warrior all season (and should consider a permanent switch to defense), but she’ll need more of the same from her team to make a strong push through the second half of the season.
Trending: Down

 17. Gremlins
 Currently in danger of being pushed back down to the formerly-known-as-Greene Division due to lack of consistent scoring and help in front of the net.  Ryan and Walker had an opportunity to address certain needs in offseason, but decided to toss limes and feast on french fries instead.  BREAKING NEWS: their all-star forward, Erich, has suffered a career threatening knee injury and will never be the same.  He will forever be remembered as ‘the legend that never was.’
Trending: Down

 18. Dark Rainbows
 Abby has done a virtuous job with this year’s squad and could potentially be up for Captain of the Year.  She has these mystical creatures giving a respectable showing each week and believing that they can compete with anyone on Sunday.  Just ask Filthier.  
Trending: Sideways

 19. Tompkins Square Riots
 You get the feeling that this team is one extra ingredient away from being a winning recipe.  Already featuring some of toughest ladies in BTSH, the gentlemen need to step and play at their level.  And by the way, where in the world is Vanck???  (No, seriously, Jonesy is getting a little worried.)
Trending: Sideways

 20. Gut Rot
 Yes, I know they just earned their first win of the season, and possibly deserve a little more love here, but they need to replicate that effort before moving up in the Rankings.  And we’ve got a hunch that they might just do that.  Early season jitters from Tommy, Ashley and Scott have been calmed by the vigorous emergence of rookies Morgen and Perko.  Let’s see what the darlings of the league can put together during the rest of the season.  
Trending: Sideways

Trending definitions:
Elite: the top team in the league.
Strong: playing just as well as the top team.
Steady: playing at the level of Ranking.
Up: improving each week and moving up in the Rankings.
Sideways: exactly where they were when the season started.
Underachieving: not living up to expectations.
Down: less activity and interest.