btsh.org

By Richiepoothang

Before I write these previews, I want to make sure I get paid even if the games are called off due to Rain Fears. I mean I went to the park today and saw this woman with an umbrella and thought, “Thank God Danielle didn’t see her or she’d cancel the whole season.”

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By Rachel G.

Rehabs at What The Puck
Fine Ryann, we get the point.  They swiped right. You are that damn good.  Now let someone else score? How about Bryan, does he get to score at all? Or is that against the bylaws?  WTP, here’s what you do…mark Ryann and let Jaime goal hang.  Got it?  You’re welcome.

Prediction: Rehabs by 2, I feel like WTP will not follow my flawless plan.

Filthier at Gouging Anklebiters
‘Biters have lost a few close ones to Formerly-Known-as-Katz-Division opponents recently, but Filthy is really looking to stop the skid.  Did Ann decide to change things up and replace Tim K permanently with Newman since he spent last weekend beaching it up with some Filthy deserters?  You’ll have to tune in to find-out.  What might be most interesting here is to watch #1 and #2 goal scorers in the league face off.  Probie, don’t look behind you…it is Denis.  Note to all ‘biters, protect those Cheekbones, dammit.

Prediction: ‘Biters by 1, the skid continues.

Dark Rainbows at Butchers
(Guest written by Cheekbones)

Hold the phone.  Shut the front door.  MDF is back again this week, slamming from the point, for the Butchers?  Someone, bring me my pills…this is too exciting.  Meanwhile, for the Dark Rainbows, Aaron is darting around and feeding to Bill’s dangerous shot.  But then again, Arnold is also back and ready to flip the f*ck out for the Butchers.  This game is gonna be hotter than a gorilla debate.

Prediction: Butchers by 1 in OT.

Gut Rot at Gremlins
Is it true?  Has it really been six weeks?  Is JW back to screen Jamie in net?  I think so.  I apologize in advance to Ryan, Erich, Rod and the rest of the Gremlins; I hope you enjoyed playing for a few weeks, now it’s back to the bench for you while Walker refuses to shift off.  Gut Rot is still looking for their first W, and man is all of BTSH cheering for them…except the Gremlins.  Jamie isn’t really going to make this easy for them, but I hope they put up a few.  Maybe Perko needs to stop looking at subway maps and listening to Baby Metal and step up and score some goals?  Also Heather.  I think Heather should score a goal this week.

Prediction: Gremmies by 2, Jamie is nice, but not that nice.

Mathematics at Denim Demons

I think Cherie was still hurtin’ from the Gremlins game a few weeks ago, so last week she put the hurtin’ on the reigning champs.  This week she may aim to put the hurt ‘on everyone’s favorite’ current formerly-known-as-Katz-division leader.  Math has been a bit inconsistent this season, maybe it’s because Justin keeps masquerading as Brad Pitt?  Nobody knows.  Demon’s box score last week disproves the old adage “Jews don’t play sports, we own teams.”  Unfortunately for Math, it ain’t Passover.

Prediction: Math by 1, Sam paid me off with tomato plants.

Tompkins Square Riots at Corlears Hookers

Which version of the Hookers will show up this week?  Will it be the Week 6 Hookers (beating Cobra Kai’s secret powerhouse) or Week 7 (getting shelled by the Rehabs)?  Sam M., you and the Hookers need to figure out which bathroom you are going into.  Riots, are you going to take advantage of this?  Suz, Jen, Laura and Amy…I’m looking at you guys, give Sharif a reason to celebrate.

Prediction: Hookers by 1, they won’t be shut out twice in a row.

Poutine Machine at Instant Karma

I think the media has failed to pay proper attention to just how impressive, and delicious, that name is – Poutine Machine.  Yum.  Was it by chance that one of the league’s only French Canadians ended up on this team?  Fries, Gravy AND cheese curds.  Swoon.  Not quite as delicious, the incarnation of Instant Karma that was Instant Schwarma?  I’m sorry Isaac, Chadwick, Al and team.  Kali is second fiddle to this majestic late night snack food of the north.  Also, both of these goalies are really good, but not as good as poutine.

Prediction: Poutine by 1, and let’s go eat a goddamn snack.

Fuzz at LBS, Inc.
2016 LBS are looking like the LBS of old.  Remember when Karsten and Ken were young pups scoring and fighting everywhere?  Well, Karsten is still here, scoring and not backing down.  Lately this classic BTSH franchise has been knocking off league villains left and right, Demons, Fresh Kills, Sky Fighters.  Who’s up next on the block?  New League not-favorite, Fuzz!  Easier said than done, Alyssa’s been stealthily working her way up the rankings, while Rich remains firmly planted at the bottom.  Who the F is Miles H. you might ask?  LBS, you should definitely be asking.

Prediction: LBS by 1, age before beauty.

Cobra Kai at Mega Touch
I’m not sure if y’all noticed, but our old Commish has returned, and from the looks of it, age hasn’t slowed him down at all (l believe Larry taught him this trick).  Of course Cobra Kai doesn’t know who he is, because they don’t even know that we have a Commish or an end of season party (seriously guys, FREE PIZZA).  However, Liam offers the ladies free beer, who can turn that down?

Prediction: CK by 2, Mega’s Cinderella story comes to an end this week.

Fresh Kills at Sky Fighters

This will be a fun one to watch!  But more fun if Soko thinks ahead and doesn’t wear blue.  Soko, Ariel… heads up… Roman and his brother have also cracked your secret code.  Da.  You know, I think the Sky Fighters might actually have a chance here, if they can stop knockin’ other teams about like it’s a street brawl.  Two of my favorite BTSH keepers in net here, they’ll have a day of it with Ariel, Soko, Gabe, Sheena, Roman, Greg, and Olivier shooting at them.

Prediction: FK by 2, Smile less?

By Rachel G.

I’m sorry, I know it’s Friday the 13th, and this should really have a horror-movie theme. Unfortunately, I am not really a horror-movie girl. The scariest thing I can stand to see on a regular basis is the wide open net I keep missing. Nightmares.

Cobra Kai at Hookers
Maybe I mentioned this last week…but still…it wasn’t that long ago that the Hookers won it all, and this season, not only did they drop a division, but they are hanging out at the bottom of the previously-known-as-Newman division. Unfortunately for them, even if Noelle is back from running another thousand marathons and they dig Dusty out of whatever trendy new bar he is creating, this ain’t that easy of a match-up that is going to stop the skid. Cobra Kai has a strong defense and a fast, potent offense. They also have a pair of Rachel’s hanging out at the top of the top of the leader-board.

Prediction: Cobra Kai by 2, don’t let that camo fool you.

Fuzz at Gut Rot

Is this the game that Fuzz to finally lives up to the hype? I’m super excited to see Jeff play in a full shield. Question, did this new broken nose have anything to do with that engagement? (Jeff, you better start listening to Alexa.) Gut Rot has their work cut out for them this week, so let’s hope T. Cho isn’t on his honeymoon (congrats, Tommy!), because Gut Rot needs his tireless energy to chase them around. Scott, are you done surfing yet? Bat signal! Your team needs you!

Prediction: Fuzz by 3, Glanzer -1.

Math at Poutine Machine

The well-rounded Liverpool squad takes their talents to the foul lands of Newcastle United this Sunday in a yawner of a contest.  LFC may have started the season off with inconsistency, but me thinks they find their groove against an opponent that is still carrying the stink from last season.  The strike force of Ramos-Provencher-Lee (wait, that doesn’t sound right.  feels like I’m forgetting someone…) will need to triple their efforts against the juggernaut of Stewart-Norris-Kazin.   

Prediction: Cherie goes H.A.M. and NU turns on each other.

Dark Rainbows at Mega Touch
Wow, so these two teams are neck and neck right now. Mega is only behind in the standings due to goal differential. Who will end up on top of the not-yet-named-but-previously-known-as-Greene division? I think the key to the game is for one team to score more goals than the other. But what do I know? Say what you will about the not-yet-named-but-previously-known-as-Greene division but this will be match-up to watch. GAME OF THE WEEK!

Prediction: Mega by 1, Bratta en fuego!

Butchers at Filthier
To quote an unnamed Butcher/ex-Filthy “Basically they are like my ex-boyfriend and I want to show up at their house in the middle of the night and be like I AM SO HAPPY WITHOUT YOU. But really mean it.”
So yeah, this is kind of a big deal to her.

Ms. Greene: I can’t call the score on this one; it’s either a jinx or self-love. Either way, Ann scores.
Prediction: Filthy is back, baby!  And they carve up the Butchers by 5.

Demons at WTP

Most of WTP was last seen at 1 am outside Kelly’s threatening to do shots of name-brand bleach. Listen, dudes…we are all sorry for the heart-wrenching loss. Now go out there, score some goals and regain your dignity. But Mike, maybe wear some sleeves…those wings are looking a little wilted right now. Adam, work on screening the other team’s goalie, instead of the league’s view of the game. Maybe bring pizza, though.

Prediction: WTP by 1, with tears…tears of joy?

LBS at Sky Fighters
Let’s hop in our little time machine and go back to week one, when the Sky Fighters beat the LBS in a shoot-out. Ouch. We can also go a little bit further back to last season’s playoffs…when the Sky Fighters knocked the LBS out of the playoffs. What’s going on, LBS? Ali, wtf? You gonna let them own you like that? I know that Olivier smiles enough for the whole team, but is he THAT charming?

Prediction: LBS by 1, try not to let Roman shoot..

Anklebiters at Rehabs
How will the Rehabs react to Ophelia’s post?  I mean, it doesn’t matter…it’s not like she has anything to do with the Anklebiters or anything.  Let’s just hope they don’t actually ask to borrow girls this week. Rehabs, we love you…laugh with us.

Prediction: Rehabs by 2, let’s be honest, Sena and Ryann are really, really good at hockey.

Riots at Fresh Kills

Since Chadwick so kindly brought us back to the days of yore…let’s take a trip down memory lane back to the fateful day in 2006 when Amy, Bob, Dave, BR, Jaclyn Lee and Scott took the rib from Adam …erm, Fresh Kills, and created a new fresh, new, happenin’ lil being. That being is an awesome chick (team?) named Eve…erm….Riots. While I’m generally opposed to the idea that woman was created out of the rib of some dude, in this case…it’s somewhat true.

Prediction: Riots by 1, since Girls rule (the world) and Boys drool.

Karma at Gremlins

True conversation between a Karmagian and a Gremlin a couple Tuesdays ago:
Karmagian: ‘Hey, what’s up man, how’s your season going so far?  Isn’t it great to be back out on the courts again?  Just reviewed the schedule and noticed that we are playing each other in a couple weeks.  Should be an entertaining and friendly match-up!’
Gremlin:  ‘Child, please!  You are aware there is a Mercy Rule in BTSH?’
Karmagian: ‘Um, yeah.  Why?’
Gremlin: ‘We are going to destroy your sad squad and restore order to the formerly-know-as $h0wt!m3 division.’ 

Shots fired!  And yes Mr. Graham, that exchange was posted on the Watford Clubhouse bulletin board. 

Prediction: Swansea’s wily veterans of Ryan M. and Mark M. will need to dig deep against a fresh and hungry Watford team.  Sadly though, Lady Stonewalker will be watching from the sidelines again. 

The ladies are back at it again.  Here are your Week 5 Previews by Rachel G. and Diana M.(filling in for Butchers preview)!

Demons at Fuzz

Nothing personal here, but if you were to poll BTSH, these two teams would definitely be near the top on the heel/not-highly-liked list. But only one of these teams has competing hate-groups on facebook. Congrats, Fuzz. You win that round. Also Fuzz’s roster boasts two of the top players from 2015 Demons, including their aging (gracefully) keeper. Did Adam use this opportunity to upgrade in net? Did Fuzz upgrade goalscoring by putting the not-heel Steve out to score goals? Grudge match! Should be fun to watch, or ignore… if you follow that facebook group.

Prediction: Fuzz by 2, Glanzer -1

Filthier at Fresh Kills
Holy hangover, Batman. Filthy, what happened to you last week? Here’s a game plan for you, Saturday night, take Gabe out and give him shots while you drink water. Yeah, I thought that wouldn’t work. Barch is having a great season, I like him, I also like Tim K.. They both registered for the Rose Charities Tournament. I’ll also like you if you register (shameless plug).

Prediction: Fresh Kills by 1, Filthy will be tired from kicking Charity’s ass the day before.

WTP at Gremlins
Are you guys going to wear yellow and orange again? That was confusing for your fans, I can’t imagine how you were able to find your teammates. Jamie, did you accept Justin’s friend request yet? I think you should. That would help, that and Rod and Cody getting a few more goals. Maire? I’m lookin’ at you, girl.

Prediction: Gremlins by 1, if WTP isn’t too hungover from the Caps game.

Corlears Hookers at Dark Rainbows
Normally I’d make another mention of the Rainbows’ tough schedule, but they spanked Filthier last week! So I think they have proved they are up to the challenge. Hookers, bring it. Kevin Longwell isn’t afraid of your shot. Even better Rainbows, the goals were scored by three different players. Look at that depth! Also, the Hookers didn’t win it for Prince. Even with Noelle and Eitel in attendence. WTF? Rainbows, make it rain… purple!!!

Prediction: Hookers by 1, they can’t let Prince down twice in a row.

Sky Fighters at Gut Rot
Ladies and Gentleman, James Stein has returned. Last week… that was what he called “rusty.” Gut Rot, you better bring your best shooters! By best shooters, I mean Diane, Heather and Ashley. Someone needs to fill in while GIlligan is playing defense and Scott is off surfing (again).

Prediction: Sky Fighters by 1, Score More, Smile Less.

LBS, Inc. at Mathematics
I learned two important things this last week about these teams: Lbs: It isn’t so much that Scott learned how to celebrate… he just forgot how to score. Math (no, I didn’t actually learn Math, it’s for suckers): Sam is pretty lazy, he just lets Brad do all the work in the corners and say “Hey Dummy, I’m open.” He also makes great kimchi. I hope these lessons prove valuable to both defenses. The End.

Prediction: LBS by 1, we are still waiting on Math’s amazing 3rd alternate jerseys.

Mega Touch at Instant Karma

Karma, you better hope this doesn’t go to a shoot-out. Tuckman lurves a shoot-out almost as much as he lurves wifebeaters and G’n’R pinball machines. When he’s right, he’s right. Maloney, what you got? Oh, you have THE Peter Wilson that scores a lot of goals and you’ve got the 2nd lowest GAA in the league? I see.

Wait! Who is going to watch Tito if Danielle is playing?

Prediction: Karma by 1, Tito will be pissed.

Butchers at Cobra Kai
By Diana M.
Sebastian and Jenks may be on a roll after last week’s win over WTP, but the Butchers are consistently playing well–this is a tough one to call. They both have good chicks named Rachel, and I’m thinking Pete is gonna be reeeeal hangry for a goal after two weeks of fasting. I’m gonna give this one to the crimson tide.

Prediction: Butchers 2-1 over Cobra Kai

Poutine Machine at Gouging Anklebiters

Hey world: Did you hear that Brian Sullivan is playing on a broken ankle? I thought so, but I believe it may be a hoax. Have you seen that kid run? Good thing the ‘Biters have a puppy to chase him around. Note: Amy is also really good at chasing children around. Is this a mirage, or is Derho actually showing up consistently? Even with Derho and a healthy Joe, ‘Biters have their work cut out for them, AJ Frey has been seriously lights out in net.

Prediction: Biters by 2, cheekbones.

Rehabs at Tompkins Square Riots

Can Joe and Drew get past Sena’s solid defense… and Eric’s acrobatics in net? Speaking of acrobatics: Sharif, thanks for coming back to BTSH and showing us how to celebrate… climbing halfway up the fence. This will be a solid match up, TSR has some scoring power, and although Rehabs aren’t giving up a lot of goals, doesn’t look like they are scoring a ton either.

Prediction: Rehabs by 2, Ramy O. this one’s on you.