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These Previews were written for your pleasure by Rachel G. with guest Diana M., and, edited by Byron C.  Enjoy.

Anklebiters at Hookers

Who doesn’t love an underdog? In particular, a drunk under(puppy)dog. We watched Joe get robbed by Jamie when filling in for Karma, but now maybe it’s time he buries that shot. Speaking of buried, Craig has Eitel’s number, but maybe he should use that to call him and see if he is ever going to show up. Hookers lost a tough one last week, and Brian is on a streak, tied for fourth on the leader-board…but really, who wants to watch him celebrate, again

Hookers by 1, wear that purple proud this week.

Cobra Kai at WTP

Don’t let Cobra Kai’s record fool you, these guys excel at sneaker hockey. But WTP has been sneakily impressive, taking it to previously-known-as-Greene division rivals last week. I think they were without their star player, Camden. BTSH, have you met Doug? Well Coach sure did last week. He’s like their secret weapon in a backwards hat. No, this is not a frat party, Doug.

Cobra Kai by 2, if they all show up.

Karma at Rehabs
I don’t want to jinx anything here by using too many words, but it sure doesn’t seem like Karma has been losing games very much. Alfred is quick to point out that their goal differential sucks, and that is clearly more important. Karma’s a b*tch: the Rehabs swooped down and stole one of the best goalies from previously-known-as $h0wT!m3 Division, Ryann from Karma and all the free agents from moffo, but still couldn’t manage to beat the party happy ‘biters last week.

Karma by 1, Karma strikes again.

Mega at TSR
This was a tight week 1 match-up, with Tompkin’s Square Riot’s eeking out the win. Mega seems to be gelling as the season moves on. Is it Julie’s super-informative, video-tutorial-filled e-mails on positioning? I highly doubt it, I’m sure they tuned her out after the first sentence about candy. Dave Gil de Rubio (I got it right), doesn’t have Gilligan to deal with this week, but can Spencer and BR hold it down on defense to help him keep Adriano at bay? Important update: Mega Touch’s Jorts tradition is being challenged by the Riot’s Max’s Jam shorts.

Mega by 1, Gung is fabulous, even in grey.

Fuzz vs Sky Fighters

Here are two teams that don’t take games seriously at all. We all know where the Fuzz recruits come from, but what about oh-so-smiley Sky Fighters? Congrats for recruiting outside the league. Now we can call off the search for Amelia Earhart. This will be a tight match up, when Roman and his brother show up, there may be less smiles but more goals. At least Sarah T has a lovely smile. Can the Gil/Laniado line been living up to it’s glory? Really, Jeff..an empty netter? Wake up.

Fuzz by 1, Glanzer -2

Poutine Machine at Butchers

By Diana M., Cheekbones Extraordinaire

The Butchers take on Poutine Machine this coming Sunday at 3pm.
The Butchers hack up some Canadian traditionalists? Will Poutine ride the gravy train right through the Butchers? Since Poutine is softening its image in a Trump fashion, it’s a tough one to call. Jerome might beat the Butchers in speed, but Dana spent last week sweeping up broken Bud Light Lime glass so she might have some pent up rage to unleash on the courts. “It’s the LIME part that really chaps my ass,” said Dana, shaking her head.

The Butchers ride Rachel’s scoring wave over Joanne and the Poutine Machines 3-1. Desolée.

Fresh Kills vs Lbs

I wanted to take a minute to talk about Tommy’s overt masculinity and his very apparent love of the fairer sex. In case it’s ever called into question, I think we can count on Craig LaCombe’s private photo vault(as seen above). OK, back to business…this is going to be a really, really good game. Hobart: it’s about time, girl. Insider tip: If you ever want to know what Soko and Ariel are yelling to each other in Russian, I finally cracked the code: I’m open.

Kills by 1, Gabe is back.

Dark Rainbows at Filthier

Wow, who made this schedule? Poor Rainbows, when will they catch a break? They fought valiantly against the Kills last week and they are rewarded by playing Filthy? Not cool. They should be nervous though, because Ann is back this weekend. Dennis, thanks for filling in as the main goal scorer, but you can sit down now. Or Tia will make you.

Filthier by 4, Ann with the game winner

Gremlins at Math
Can I make a joke about JW’s +/- being bad Math? It’s too easy. But the Math in this game will be clear, while the Gremlins added some talent in the post-season, Math is too stacked to handle. With Dave Liang injured, they just went ahead and got Kevin Au to fill in? Geez. This will be a goalie duel, low scoring, but definitely fun to watch. Match up to watch: Eric Graham against (fill in the blank) Norris. For the record, I f—-in’ love Caitlin.

Math by 2, Sam’s headband.

Gut Rot at Demons
Gilligan is so obedient. If only everyone scored goals (or did anything at all) when I asked them. Gut Rot represents the true heart of BTSH. Peaches still wears jeans. Ellery still puts his shirt of his head and smacks you in the face while yelling Mejico. Veronica still runs around in a bikini top (sigh, just in LA now). Diane still gives amazing hugs(sign up here). This is a team that remembers what sunday sneaker hockey is all about. Fun. Does your team take players who don’t have experience (only answer this if you are ‘Biters, Mega or can actually prove me wrong)? Or is your team pretty much a farm team for the mega-teams everyone hates (me)? Also they love gay people, I swear, just ask. Demons will put out 3 girls, 2 guys, and a goalie. So I’m told.

Gut Rot by 2, Gilly is at it again

Rachel?  Are you ready yet???

Math at Corlears Hookers
Talent abound on both sides, but this really might just come down to the ladies. Arguably the two teams with the strongest core of women in the league. But is it a little unfair that Math has two professional hockey players on that team? Edge goes to Math, but with an asterisk. Also, Sam’s headband. Dave, take note: Eitel shoots high glove side (you owe Arthur a beer for that).

Prediction: Math by 1, If Joey can lay off Tinder for the entire game.

Instant Karma vs Butchers

Both of these teams are off to a solid start this season.  While Karma has been playing a more defensive minded style and protecting leads, the Butchers have been an offensive juggernaut.  Pete D and Drake H are leading the league in scoring in the respective genders and could be more than Karma can handle.  One of them will be walking away with their first loss of the season.

<stop trying to butter us up, Isaac>

Prediction: Turnovers will be Karma’s undoing with the Butchers taking this match by 2.

LBs

BTSH! Do you know how great the Lbs are? No? Well good news! I am going to tell you. Let’s start between the pipes, who doesn’t love our ex-commish Timmy? He listened to us all whine to him for three years in that thankless role. Also, the actual NY Rangers call him pony boy. Moving on to the ladies, They are anchored by the blond bombshell Sasha duo. These ladies have been kicked BTSH ass for as long as I remember. As the unflappable captain, Ali’s shit talking abilities might even rival her hockey skills. If they weren’t good enough, they added rookie Liz Boylan who also looks lovely in white. Let’s not forget Ken and Karsten, these guys are honestly too good at hockey to complain about anything, but that doesn’t stop ‘em. Nor does a 7 goal lead stop Scott from celebrating a goal. But he’s getting better about that, since he keeps scoring goals. Also Nick’s hair. I think the demons might put out 3 guys, 2 girls and a goalie.

Prediction: Lbs by 3, with hearts, sunshine and puppies.

Poutine Machine at Sky Fighters
It doesn’t seem like Sky Fighters learned how to smile yet. Will this be the week? Even if they do, few things are more fun than watching Jerome’s face after he scores. The more important battle of the week is between Olivier and Jo-Ann: who can curse and rant better in Quebecois?

Prediction: Sky Fighters by 2. Greg’s use of emojis remains unparalleled

Filthier at Mega

Watch out Dennis, Alex Eben Meyer is right behind you on the leaderboard. I hear the dynamic duo will be in Miami celebrating Suvins __th Birthday. You know what that means? Ann can’t score any goals. Of note: Brady will also be celebrating his birthday, 14 years Suvin’s junior.

Prediction: Filthy by too many. Sucks that Brady is going to get beat with or without the old man.

Fresh Kills vs Dark Rainbows
Congrats Kills. Last week you beat up a dude who never played in net before.  Be reaaaaalll proud of that. Ariel recently told me he no longer has speed, but as we know that kid has skill for days. Interesting, since Aaron has the speed for sure. I’m just not sure it’s enough to stop the juggernaut.

Prediction: FK by 3, and Abby takes home another monster bruise.

Fuzz at Cobra Kai
Fuzz might think they scored a lot of talent (in addition to general disdain) but Cobra Kai is still secretly stacked. Not to mention that other-Rachel scored two goals last week…? I don’t think anyone on the Fuzz has two goals. But this might be the week. Jeff loves to prove me wrong. Pete, please remind these kids that it’s sneaker hockey.

Prediction: Fuzz by 1, Glanzer -2.

Riots at Gut Rot

Gut Rot had a rough go last week, but I think that’s going to end this Sunday. There is too much talent on that team to be held scoreless again. Not that Dave Del Rubio won’t try his damnedest. I’ve got my money on Gilligan getting one. Riots are looking strong this season, nearly pulling off an upset against the demons last week.

Prediction: Riots by 3, but Gut Rot wins our hearts.

Rehabs at Anklebiters
Is Showtime done Showtiming yet? Probs not. With Ryann showing up consistently, this team has all the tools. Is 50’s Rob’s sexism any match for Diana’s cheekbones? Doubt it. Looks like Probie has learned how to hit the net, instead of my face. Ramirez (and anyone in a three-foot radius of the net) watch out for that shot.

Prediction: Biters by 1, if Amy gets talking to Rob.

Gremlins at WTP
WTP is still hungry for their first win, which must be tough for them spending the last 6 months watching the Caps win. They might be hungry, but Jamie is hungry for a milkshake, likes winning, and is a terrifyingly good goalie. Can the Gremlins make it through the game without yelling at the refs? Also, shoutout to WTP for running more than the required two ladies during parts of their game last week. Ophelia would approve.

Prediction: Gremlins by 1, still nobody wants to hear about JW’s +/-.

As the BTSH media budget quickly dwindles with only 79% to work with, this week we decided to give you your monies worth with a female perspective. Introducing the controversial Rachel Greene of the Butchers!

Me: Hey, Rachel, how ya doin’?
Rachel: Oh, hey, pretty good. 
Me: How do you foresee Sunday’s remaining games turning out?
Rachel: You want my opinion?  Jeez, a man has never asked me that bef…
Me: Yeah, yeah, yeah just tell me what you think.

Denim Demons at Tompkins Square Riots

Interestingly enough, both of these teams have their roots in punk rock, but with the loss of Coach there goes the last of the original party Demons. Pour one out for the remains of the two-man crowd. Who is going to stand between the pipes for them now? Can they also play drums? The sidelines of these two teams couldn’t be more opposite. How can you NOT have fun with you have Lmac cheering you on? Unfortunately, Lmac’s love isn’t enough for this one.

Demons by 2, Kamen’s on a roll.

Gouging Anklebiters at Instant Karma
The 3 pm game is the sweet spot for Phil’s Biters: they have enough time to recover from the night before, and it’s probably too early for them to start drinking yet, except maybe Caroline. Chadwick’s wingspan may cut off a few passes, but he can’t get one past Craiggers.

Thor’s hair is no match for Diana’s cheekbones.

Prediction: Probie’s puppies take this one by 3.

Instant Telegram for Chadwick & Ko.
These are the thoughts of a female, not Isaac STOP
She has no idea what she’s really talking about STOP
Karma visits Rachel and her Butchers next week STOP

Sky Fighters at Mathematics

I’m still not over the loss of Hopper, and I can’t imagine the Sky Fighters are either. But Math still isn’t over that play-off loss from 2014, so it’s even I guess. The Norri are back in full force and Cherie brought even MORE female hockey talent (welcome Riveter, Amber Moore). That being said, Sky Fighters seem to have some fresh faces, but keeping in line with tradition, I don’t think many of them know how to smile. Alas, Mia’s charm isn’t enough to topple Sam’s headband.

Prediction: Math by 1, unless Roman’s brother learns how to smile.

Corlears Hookers at Fresh Kills
The Hookers have steadily dropped, not only in standings, but also in hate-ability. Is it because Pete brings his kids around…or just the presence of more hate-able teams like Filthier and the Fuzz? Let’s not forget, Ariel has some pretty cute kids too. I’m looking forward to the Gabe on Eitel match-up, but wait, that won’t happen…Eitel will be too busy hanging out with Barch by the Kill’s net.

Prediction: Hookers by 1, they have a reputation to uphold.

Rehabs at Fuzz
I love Sena and Ryann as much as (probably more than) the next girl, but do they allow any other women to play? Is Hector hurt again? Or is he simply reminding us what $h0wT!m!ng is? Congrats to the Fuzz, instantly the most universally disliked team in the league, before the season even started! But that was the point, right? I think Ramirez is in net for Rehabs, but I can’t keep track of his career. Good match-up, but he’s looking at a tough day with Jeff and Gil still looking for their first win.

Prediction: Fuzz by 1, but Glanzer finishes -2.

LBS, Inc. at Filthier

Former BTSH champs face off on this epic Sunday. Are the LBS still licking their wounds from last week…last season? Rumor has it they had some serious off-season training and strategy sessions at the Lehman/LBS compound in the off-season. They even let Scott show up since he learned how to celebrate. Is Filthier still riding high and looking for back-to-back championships? Does anyone want to see that?

Prediction: Ann for the game winner, Filthier by 2.