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Fresh Kills at Filthier
by Isaac

The good times have been rolling all season long for Barch and Fresh Kills.  Maintaining a performance at an elite level has them on pace for a historic season.  No, we’re not talking about their record, we simply mean that they’ve been able to overcome the loss of Gabe’s talents that seem to have fallen off that cliff called marriage.  The expression on Roxy’s face has been that of anyone who is paired with Glanzer.

Ariel’s performances are Messi-esque at times.

Still butt-hurt from getting smoked by Ariel in the shootout loss Tim and Filthier are out for revenge.  (Every time that video resurfaces on Facebook they collectively make the face of a slapped ass.)  While the losses of Denis and Suvin this season have been hard to overcome that new clean-cut fellow seems to perform adequately.  Can he replicate some of that lost poise and panache?  Shafiq sure hopes so.

Prediction: James bumfuzzles the Kills’ defense with his skillz and Filthy stamps a blemish on the FK’s record, 5-3.

Mega Touch (L/L/L/W/L; final two: LBS, Inc., Gremlins) at Corlears Hookers (W/W/W/W/W; final two: Fresh Kills, Cobra Kai) Tompkins East, 1645
by Hornswoggle

This division rivalry will be one of Julie’s last chances to stay in her own [namesake’s] division, since the last two will be highly demanding and exhausting. Brutal losses against the Riots and Sky Fighters may have diminished the morale of the players, and perhaps because the weather has prevented them from sporting their marquee jorts at least once this season. So will they don them on Sunday? I reckon the fashion statement will leave a few opposing players double-taking once or twice too many.

Meanwhile, the Katz conference team in Grimace™-colored regalia has been on a tear, and the timing may as well be perfect as the Ocean City/Labor Day break is fast approaching. However, before the break is their long-awaited matchup with the undefeated Fresh Kills, this Sunday’s game against Mega may as well be a training session for them, considering their from.

Prediction: This game will probably be more boring than watching paint dry. However, if Alok turns his passive-aggressiveness around and gets called for one—just one!—infraction, I’m privy on carrying the skateboard ramp with a vat of buttered popcorn. Hookers nonchalantly axe Mega by three goals.

Instant Karma (L/L/L/L/L; final two: Fuzz, Gut Rot) at Gremlins (W/W/W/OT/W; final two: Rehabs, Mega Touch) Tompkins West, 1645
by Hornswoggle

The tragedy for last Sunday was watching an Instant Karma team (1) scrambling last minute to find an available, eligible goaltender, (2) dejectedly conceding a near buzzer beater in the second half to a wavering What the Puck side, as well as (3) having to see that particular moment as a cover photo on the league Facebook page. I personally tried to assuage Isaac postgame with a Messi picture, but to no avail. The battle with Mega Touch to prevent relegation has been long occurring, what with Cobra Kai, Hookers, and Gremlins vying for the top division spot. While I’d say this division rivalry is winnable for Karma, methinks the unexpectedness in attendance and inconsistencies in their gameplay both lead me to doubt their success on Sunday.

‘I’m not usually a praying man, but if you are up there Superman, please send me to Barca or Instant Karma.’

At the opposite end of the division lies our trivia guru/Grammar Nazi, Walker, and his monstrous minions. Specifically, it is known that he, Jamie, and Erich have been surveying the court to review strategies, scoff other refs, and munch on scones. They’ve all the elements of a well-built team: goal scorers, veteran presence, and solid goaltending. How all those will hold up against the Rehabs next week is unknown at the moment; but in the meantime, the Gremmies will have a slight test on their hands, and something tells me the entire squad needn’t be there.

Prediction: The Gremmies have a penchant for playing casual in the first half, and while that may not lead to any kind of demise for Sunday, it is the kind of habit they will not want to carry next week, the week after next, and the playoff weeks as well. Nevertheless, they’ll certainly have the patience to strike at opportune times and drop Karma like a ton of bricks. Isaac, I’m preparing more Messi pictures for your next email (sorry, none of them with Coutinho in them). Gremmies triumph by two.

Fuzz (W/SO/W/L/W; final two: Instant Karma, Filthier) at Rehabs (W/L/W/W/W; final two: Gremlins, LBS, Inc.) Hockey Night in Tompkins [National Telecast] Tompkins East, 1800
by Hornswoggle

While any team playing the Fresh Kills—this Sunday, it’s Filthier—potentially becomes a marquee matchup, this evening division rivalry holds all the keys to an entertaining game, not to mention the possibility of yet another Sultan South[east] Side Smash/Smush in the works. Yes, the topsy-turvy Fizz are probably feeling a little relieved that this season is slowly coming to a close, knowing that in just a couple months, they won’t have to be some sort of laughingstock… until next year. Right now, though, they’ve still got talent: Jeff and Alexa are just as dynamic as they were, Miles still shakes defenses up, and Hicks can lift most the opposition up and put them down (not necessarily gently).

The Rehabs are steadying the course, and defending their title with nearly half the league in the 20-point range will be a challenge for them. Two regulation losses is second best to Fresh Kills, and the defensive trident of Sena, Cherie, and elite-level goalie Eric is part and parcel of finding the ingredients to success. Many teams, perhaps, think the rossoneri is the team everyone loves to hate, but none of its players seems to have crossed the line that is the league’s first rule. So, love ‘em or hate ‘em, this team is quite talented and will always have Showtime’s mouth and fingertips to back that up.

Prediction: The Sultan will certainly tone it down with his physicality, and he’ll receive a lot of jeering from the opposition (not only the Rehabs). An element that will frustrate Fuzz is that the Rehabs’ roster will remain consistent through the entire 50, so unless there is a complete mismatch in the Rehabs’ lineup (due to absence or injury), a breakthrough will be a rarity for Fuzz. Some will be hoping for a Sena-esque own goal, but the Rehabs will put the match to rest by holding a two-goal lead firm.

Butchers (W/W/L/W/L; final two: Dark Rainbows, Fresh Kills) at Sky Fighters (L/W/W/L/L; final two: Tompkins Square Riots, Gouging Anklebiters) Hockey Night in Tompkins [Regional Telecast], Tompkins West, 1800
by Hornswoggle

With Math facing the LBS this Sunday and Poutine the following Sunday, the Butchers’ schedule is marginally easier, and winning the last two out of three could mean Rachel’s worst nightmare of being in the top division. Facing the likes of teams that have actually won a championship at the turn of the decade isn’t what the Bloody Tide® had in mind, but at the rate the squad is going, their future schedule may be inevitably unfavorable. Like the Rehabs, they’ve stayed the course—even amassing a 7-game win streak—and could snatch a comfortable playoff spot.

Regardless of whether Roman plays Greg will be bringing some nasty.

Stein and Olivier could rest in the fact that their team’s reputation won’t be cast in the shadows, only because of a single person: Mike T. Yes, you might’ve read the metrics that show his trajectory that blows previous BTSH Pichichi winners through the roof. Think about it: it takes four Gremmies to get 64% of the team’s goals, but one Sky Fighter to achieve 57% for his team. Therefore, it shouldn’t be surprising to say that Mike is the fulcrum for every offensive campaign, right? Well, no. Succinctly, opposition should rotate their focus to Ro-Teyt, Mike’s brother. Roman is the “man behind the curtain” and you wouldn’t want to block his shots. And when Roman is on the bench, watch Bob W. sail a few over the crossbar. [Bob has won a couple of ships with different teams, btw.]

Prediction: Of the four teams I’ve offered to write, this duel will be tough to gauge. Both teams have noses for the net (Pete D. of the Butchers has 9), and women who know how to play the game (Sky’s Coop and Butchers’ Georgine). They both have players who hustle (Infanti vs. Creamy) and players who can elude opponents (David vs. Olivier), so honestly, there isn’t a clear-cut winner here. Butchers are likely to take the W if they force a shootout, where David and MDF put their attempts past Stein… and sadly no one will be there to record them.

LBS, Inc. at Mathematics
by Isaac

The Legend of Sizzler is in full effect and word of his on (and off) court performances is spreading throughout the league like the inevitable Long Night across Westeros.  With the newly acquired Cat’s Paw dagger by media writer Arya the LBS defense has become even more dangerous in open space.  They’ll be looking to knife through Math’s forces and assassinate the Net.

Could No One have also taught the LBS how to play hockey?

Meanwhile Math have remained steady and competent in the majority of their battles this season.  The indispensable (and also underrated) talents of Bradley and his buddy Jon on defense have been more than enough to make up for Sarah’s blunders this season.  But if they want to stay in the race for the CMB division title then that long-haired, pants wearing, backwards hat sporting, hippy dude will need to come correct and do his thang.

Prediction: a close game that appears headed for OT until Amy scores in the final 2 minutes of regulation.  Math win 3-2.

Gut Rot at What The Puck
by Arya Stark

2017 has been a strong bounce-back year for both teams.  What The Puck finished last in their division last year and were relegated as per god’s law.  They’ve responded with a strong season led by captain Emily Moore’s stellar play / singing voice and the adept stick skills of Zac “Hoggystyle” Hogg.  WTP currently stand within striking distance of Poutine for the division crown; seeing as Poutine will be playing the sole winless team in the league this year, they’ll need this game to keep pace.

Also within striking distance is the band of marauding alcoholics and bandits known as Gut Rot.  Continuing to exist as the depraved love child of Ron Burgundy pounding scotch (pre-game) and Ser Davos stranded on an island (post-game), Rot have won three of their past four games and could potentially go from finishing dead last with one win and a -70 goal differential to a winning record and first round bye in just one season.  Sure, #akhilnation isn’t trending like they had hoped, and Becca’s still trying to figure out how to sign up for the Olympics, but things are certainly looking up.

Prediction: Unfortunately, chronic alcoholism does have its downsides (or so I’ve been told).  4-1 Motherpuckers.

Denim Demons at Gouging Anklebiters
by Isaac

These two teams just adore one another.  Both have been opening the door for the other to stay in their division all season long.  But alas, unless the wheels come exploding off of Timmy Baby it looks like Josh and the Demons will be the team moving to a new home next season. 

Prediction: Demons regain their scoring touch and earn a much needed victory, 4-3.

Cobra Kai at Tompkins Square Riots
by Arya Stark

It’s been a rough season for the Riots.  Despite strong play from the likes of Suz and Jen along with smart free agent pickups like Evan, they’ve had trouble getting on the board while GDR has at times been left out to dry.  Last week they exhibited strong stretches of play against the Gremlins and while the game was closer than the final score would indicate, they nonetheless were only able to pot one breakaway goal.  The Riots will have to work on getting shots through in the offensive zone and focusing on tight, fundamental play if they have any hope of taking down the dojo.

The Cobra Kai, on the other hand, are in the midst of an impressive seven game winning streak and sit tied for second in points with the defending champion Rehabs.  They’ve got a goalie who’s #2 on the leaderboard and are top five in goals against and goals for, thanks in no small part to the efforts of Will Green.  Will, for those who may not be aware, has a lot more going for him than a very serious resemblance to his spirit animal and possible biological father, John C Reilly.

The legend picked his own team in Survivor two weeks ago as they were set to play the Gremlins for the division lead.  Down 1-0 with under a minute left, it seemed like he would fall victim to the picking-your-own-team-curse, otherwise known as “Brady’s original sin.”  Somehow, the Cobra Kai were able to tie the game with a mere 13 seconds left and win it in overtime.  Then just a week later, he picked up the #1 star by notching a natural hat trick on a single shift.  Here are some other facts you may not know about this great man:

• The opening scene of “Saving Private Ryan” is loosely based on a game of dodgeball Will G played in second grade.
• Will G once ate three 72 oz steaks in an hour.  He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with the waitress.
• Will G is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are the trademarked names of his left and right legs.
• Will G once ate an entire cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper inside.
• In ancient China there is a legend that one day, a child will be born from a dragon, grow to be a man and vanquish evil from the land.  That man is not Will G, because Will G killed that man.

Prediction: Cobra Kai wins 6-2 on the strength of another hat trick from Will.  He also scores both Riots goals and solves the North Korea crisis during a water break. 

Poutine Machine at Dark Rainbows
by Isaac

(Drunk) Machine has been in a funk lately.  With the division title on the line they need to pull it together quickly.  Luckily for Charlotte and her goony gang of slippery thugs this could be a perfect opportunity to regroup before the playoffs.  Not only are two points at stake, but also another divisional victory to increase the margin between them and that orange team.

Keep you eye on the ball Poutine.

The Rainbows’ season may not be playing out the way they initially envisioned, but you can never count them out of any contest.  Not even a Hot Legs contest (YEAH BABY).  Jason, Tia, Fallon and Josh have found their way onto the Box Scores lately and when the big dogs eat from the table they don’t go back to the dish.

Prediction: Kevin and Whitney get caught gazing at each other while the Rainbows pump it past RJ for a 3-2 first season win.

There’s still time to register for Ocean City, Hockey Beach! (Postcard from last year.)

Tompkins Square Riots (W/W/L/OT/L; final 3 games: Cobra Kai, Sky Fighters, Dark Rainbows) at Gremlins (W/W/W/W/OT; final 3 games: Instant Karma, Rehabs, Mega Touch)
Tompkins West, 1530
by Jerome

In spite of missing tonight’s scrimmage at Robert Moses Playground (Yahoo! groups “hockeyscrimmage” if any of you are interested this summer), which Walker helps moderate, I’ve volunteered to write this part of the column because Isaac didn’t want to be bothered having to talk about his desire for Erich…’s stickhandling skills. Right-0.

We’re more than halfway through this long stretch of games, and the Gremmies have marked their territory in the Katz Division. A robust +23 differential with four different outfielders and Jamie in the top stats lists… it’s outstanding. But their fall to Cobra Kai last Sunday is a test of whether they can really close the division or not. Although the top 12 teams will likely have a bye week in the playoffs, none of them want to lose to a dark horse (remember the 2010 Elves—a #8 seed!). The Rehabs in W17 could be a struggle but this Sunday, they should start tying loose ends and get the division.

Future HOF-er Dave GDR has been resting in the laurels of having a conference named after him (as should I; in fact, I’ll probably keep writing this as long as I write a Riots preview). But inside, he’s been struggling with what could have been, including overtime losses to Gut Rot (W1) and “how the mighty have fallen” Fuzz (W13). While the real, palpable reprieve potentially lies in their last game of the season against the Rainbows, the hard 1-0 loss last week to Poutine says something about Riots’ character: play until the final whistle, which they surely will demonstrate against the Gremmies.

Prediction: The Riots will try to make this a statement game, as their last three won’t be a walk in the park. Laura and Suz will be committed to press the entire 50 minutes, and I’m sure they’ll transmit that to the team. A Gremmies goal early may deflate the Riots’ mentality, so in order to pull a win, Sharif and the entire defensive line will have to play beyond their zones. I think Gremmies will win, but not without Riots snatching a point from them.

Gut Rot at Mega Touch
by JW

The two most BTSH teams in the league face off Sunday in this funfest. Will they even bother to keep score, or will they just decide to scrimmage and drink together instead?

Each of these teams is coming off a loss, followed by a win. 2 weeks ago Mega mounted a big comeback against the mighty Sky Fighters (partially thanks to Roman’s own goal). They came this close….but didn’t quite make it. Last week they bested Instant Karma on a late goal by newbie Jeff B. While Mega only has 3 wins on the season, Julie Katz has recruited some new talent, so the end of the season may go very differently for our jorts-wearing compadres.

Effff, Glanzer is here.

Gut Rot had to face the lethal Rehabs 2 weeks ago. They lost 5-2, but BECCA SCORED A GOAL. Last week they took down the Dark Rainbows. Diane was not present for either of these games and honestly I have forgotten what she looks like at this point. Does she even play in the league anymore?

Keys to the game:

Oh, did I mention that Roman had an own goal in the Mega/Sky Fighters game?

Prediction: Alok scores 1, but Mega still falls to the jolly green Rotters 4-2.

Filthier (SO/W/W/W/L; final 3 games: Fresh Kills, Cobra Kai, Fuzz) at Mathematics (SO/L/SO/W/OT; final 3 games: LBS, Poutine Machine, Denim Demons)
Tompkins West, 1645
by Jerome

Seeing Suvin ride off into the sunset—perhaps literally, because he moved off to California and the sun indeed goes from west to east—probably has been bittersweet for the team, so much so that they fell to LBS, Inc. the previous week. Like the Riots, what follows the upcoming matchup will be an uphill battle. However, sitting at 20 points in the top division means they haven’t terribly suffered, and they’ve still got Ann, Dana, James, and Tim K. as veteran presences who know how to stand up to pressure.

Math has been a yo-yo this season, winning one or two here and then building a losing streak afterwards, and then back to winning or gaining a point. Methinks the best friend duo (ahem, not Rich and Derk) having been split has negatively affected them. To be fair, their last two regulation losses were against Fresh Kills (W9) and Fuzz (W11), so they might be stabilizing.

Prediction: Filthier dominates this game from start to finish. Justin will be regrettably late because his kid threw up in his glove, and the Norri will be slowly recovering from a midday brunch bender. Adela might make a cameo appearance, and Tim will probably sing Roma (non si discute, si ama) to mark the departure of not only Suvin, but Rome’s very own footballer son, Francesco Totti, to mark the full ending of the 2016-17 season, and the beginning of the 2017-18 season. Filthier crushes Math by three.

Instant Karma (OT/L/L/L/L; final 3 games: Gremlins, Fuzz, Gut Rot) at What the Puck (L/L/W/L/L; final 3 games: Gut Rot, Denim Demons, Poutine Machine)
Hockey Night in Tompkins [National Telecast], Tompkins East, 1800

by Jerome

Both teams have been really feeling the fatigue during this stretch of games, scrounging a point or two in their last five. In no stretch of the imagination have any of the games been a complete breakdown for them. But each team will want to put in the extra effort: Puck will be chasing Poutine for the division, and Karma will be fending off Mega to prevent regulation.

Don’t forget about Nicole and Al. They’ve been holding it down on O and D for Karma too.

Other than their defeat to Mega last week, Karma’s last five has been trying for them. One of their players departed for greener, presumably economically securer, pastures, and word on the street is that they’re in the market to find a netminder. 28-year old veteran Chadtrick will neither confirm nor deny such a claim. Isaac might just hop on a plane to La Liga headquarters in Madrid to convince brass to sell Neymar to Karma if the deal with FFP rule-breaker Paris Saint-Germain falls through.

At the moment, Captain Emily and her “captastic” comrades battle up-and-coming Ellery’s elites for second in the Justin W. Michaliga Division (nice ring to it, no?). Just because they lost thrice to three big teams in their last five, it doesn’t mean they’ve depleted themselves of time and energy to push through the season. Sorry in advance, Noah, but if I was on that team, one look at Cara Delev—er, I mean Aisling—is enough for me to put in 1000% on every shift. Achieve more Ws together, then meet me and Poutine on championship court! I hope that’s motivation for ya.

Prediction: Battle of the beards, or Battle of Is(zac). The league’s Hemsworth Jr. Jr. is privy on keeping things tidy in his own half; Zac definitely has the hands to turn the tidiness upside down. If this battle negates itself—and there is a possibility that it will—the focus is on the ladies of both teams: will Marisa and Susie dominate the court over Lisa and Nicole, or will the opposite happen? I think Karma will be riding high by the half, but Puck will come from behind and win by one. But Karma’s one-point lead will be retained as Mega will lose to Gut Rot.

LBS, Inc. (L/L/W/W/W; final 3 games: Mathematics, Mega Touch, Rehabs) at Denim Demons (L/L/L/L/L; final 3 games: Gouging Anklebiters, What the Puck, Mathematics)
Hockey Night in Tompkins [Regional Telecast], Tompkins West,  1800

by Jerome

Our ladies and gents in private school apparel triumphed over Fuzz, What the Puck, and Filthier in one fell swoop. Three weeks of summer went through too fast. Karsten and he who must not be named lead the pack, together making up half the team’s production (21/42), and their secondary scorers aren’t that bad, either (Jake, Mike R.). With the exception of the Rehabs, they face squads that—on paper—don’t threaten their chances at a high playoff spot.

In another division, the reconstructing Demons are trying to see the positives from what’s been a season that hasn’t been so great. Jenn and Adam are carefully selecting their players and, for the most part, they’ve been enjoying each other’s company, as this league encourages captains to make teams this way. The bright part in their schedule is that they’ve triumphed over the Anklebiters in W9, but they’ll have to stave the strikeforce that LBS brings on Sunday. Josh R., Zach, and Brian have contributed, but in this fixture, expect to see Tracy and Sara get some more shift time to properly cover points and areas that may be exploited.

Prediction: The heavy-hitters in white will be throwing roundhouses all game. To counter, the Demons will have to exercise a helluva lot of patience; shot blocking, blocking lanes, and hustling like it’s your last shift are all elements of keeping the opposition frustrated, especially when it’s a strong team like LBS. Meanwhile, los blancos will sneakily cash in a couple, and they might do to go home with two points.

Rehabs at Gouging Anklebiters
by Rachel G

Gouging Anklebiters 2017

The Biters FINALLY stopped their skid last week with a timely OT win against Math. Veteran/leader/spirit-animal Phil sank the game winner, restoring hope in their squad. Have they finished celebrating? Caroline drained that magnum of champagne? OK, well sober up kids, this won’t be an easy week. Will the Rehabs have Eric or Hector in net? Does it matter. Alex will keep scoring at will, Joey will dance around you, then offer you delicious Portuguese desserts. Cherie, Sena? Well, you know what they can do, because they play the whole damn game.

Prediction: Rehabs prevail 3-1.

Corlears Hookers at Poutine Machine
by Rachel G

Typically you don’t expect a super exciting game from a D3/D4 match-up, but I’ve got my eye on this one. These two teams have similar records and similar all-out playing style. Poutine sits comfortable atop their division, poised to move up(Jerome, I’m serious about that completely unauthorized swap). Don’t look now, but the Hookers are still in the running to clinch D3 and get back into D2. However, they’ve got some seriously tough competition to knock off. I know, I know…gender bias – but I’m super excited about the girls on both these teams, The Hookers have THREE women in the top 10 goal scoring list. They are going to face some serious competition this week from Jo-Ann and Charlotte.

Also BSA Alert and cue unnecessary Cro comment.

Prediction: we’ve got a feeling that Poutine takes this in OT.

Fresh Kills at Sky Fighters
by Rachel G

Sky Fighters 2017

Ugh Fresh Kills. Enough already! I am BORED of you and all your winning, but also really, really impressed when I watch you play. It’s also impossible to hate this team, they just play a nice clean game – a game that is better than yours. Also Sheena is my Olympic hero. That being said – who scores more goals than Mike T? Nobody. So maybe if the Sky fighters unleash Mike T and hope that James is in town and everybody wears Greg’s face again they will win?  Probably not though.

Prediction: Fresh Kills continues to roll 5-3.

Dark Rainbows at Cobra Kai
by Rachel G

The Rainbows are having a tough season, but they manage to do it with a smile. Overheard in their huddle, always optimistic Tia, “guys, we probably aren’t going to win this one, but lets just go out there and have fun!” and you know what? They do. Cobra Kai also appears to be having fun…having fun with all that winning. Pete even figured out how to score while Will Green complained about the stats being updated quickly enough.

Prediction: with Cat rampaging in Nashville this weekend her Rainbows fall to the evil dojo 5-1.

Fuzz at Butchers
by Isaac

Have you seen this women’s right glove? If so, call 1-888-555-4568.

These two teams could be trading places by seasons’ end with the Butchers ascending to the Soko division and Fuzz dropping to CMB division.  Not too surprising either.  With all the talent both of these teams have only one seems to be harnessing it properly.  BTSH will always be a community based beer league, but hockey has always been a team sport.

Prediction: the Sultan’s stumbles continue and Rachel walks away with not only the W, but also bragging rights 5-4.
(Sultan Edit): We may lose the game, but at least all our players will go home with our gloves.

ATTENTION: if you (BECCA OF GUT ROT) have not done so already, please use this link to sign up for this Sunday’s Olympic events. Do you think you have what it takes to dethrone Gut Rot from the 2 Girls 1 Cup event?  (Please note that Beer Pong is only for after the Olympics and will not be an event during the Olympics.)

Rehabs at Sky Fighters
by Arya Stark

Sparks are sure to fly Sunday when league leading goal scorer Mike Teytlebaum leads the Sky Fighters into battle against the defending champion Rehabs.  This should be a tense rematch of last year’s semifinal which the Rehabs took 2-1 en route to the title.  Sky Fighters are on a mini roll having won three of their last four games led by Mike, who has picked up an absurd 60% of his team’s goals this season.  For reference, NHL teams in 2016-17 averaged 227 goals on the season; his pace would thus be about the equivalent of a 136 goal season in the NHL.  Forget Rocket Richard; that’s Art Ross worthy right there.  He’ll face a stiff test against an elite Rehabs defense and one of the top netminders in the league, no matter who suits up (hopefully it won’t be both).  The x-factor here will be whether the Sky Fighters defense can stand up to Cherie and co. and keep the game close enough for Mike and Olivier to break it open.

Prediction: Mike keeps his scoring streak alive but Rehabs still take the W 4-2.

Fuzz (L/W/W/SO/W) at Fresh Kills (W/W/W/W/W), Tompkins West, 1645
by Hornswoggle

When Fuzz’s own players are arguing that the Sultan’s absence is what caused their win streak, let’s just remind them that they did eke out a win last week against the wavering Riots with Rich present. But a five-game losing streak between weeks 5 and 9 was quite unbecoming of them. Either the league in general is taking the game a little more seriously (I’m looking at you, Gut Rot), or Gil’s son and Gil’s son’s Dad are finding bigger fish to fry, e.g. NSDH or even Moffo.

Fuzz 2017 (collage credit: Jamie B.)

Conversely, look at the team that can’t even lose even if Barch took a water break without calling one. A 13-game win streak is that which no social sports league can even fathom; in fact, players on every team are familiar with the current Kills roster, so if we know their weaknesses, why can’t we exploit them? Well, well, well: the old adage is that a team is more than the sum of its players, so whatever Soko puts in his water bottle before the game—probably a stronger variant of Pedialyte—it is surely working on him (and his team, assuming he makes them drink, too).

Prediction: I see Miles and Walsh putting a spring in their step(s) and hitting Barch with everything they’ve got early on. Face it, the Sultan cajoling with Soko and Gabe pre-game won’t work (so keep the speech short, k?). Pleasantries aside, Ariel’s incisive drive to the net, inspired by Emmitt Smith’s footwork on Dancing with the Stars, guarantees his squad the lead, which might as well be permanent knowing Fuzz’s track record with mid-table to strong teams. Fresh Kills takes the game by two… and hopefully I still keep my conference name after Sunday.

Corlears Hookers (L/OT/W/W/W) at What the Puck (W/L/L/W/L), Tompkins West, 1645
by Hornswoggle

The duel between Pro and Cro last week turned out unanimously in favor of Cro, who cashed one in for a total of 9. Critics might say that the team’s last three (Rainbows, Karma, Anklebiters) might well have been written off, given that none of them have been significant threats this season. But considering two of their ladies (Tiffany, Jenna H.) are in the female top scorers’ list, their dominance resides in the two players you’re supposed to keep on the court at all times, per regulation.

What The Puck 2017 (collage credit: Jamie B.)

While celebrating Captain Emily’s 30th (happy birthday, cap!), the Orange Crush played the cabana boys and girls known as LBS, Inc. I’m confident the predominantly Caps crew continued the festivities despite falling 5-2, and that the next few weeks bring on a more lax schedule than the tumultuous easy-hard-easy-hard last four (Riots, Gremmies, Rainbows, LBS). The homestretch should be an opportune time for Zac to bolster his scoring record, because he’s certainly good enough to give Sky’s Mike T. a run for his money in the race for the BTSH Pichichi.

Prediction: I hope Claire has a great game. Although short in stature, her positioning is impeccable—she got that playing ice at Lasker. She’ll have to look after Tiffany and Noelle diligently. At the other end of the court, Bill’s responsibility will be to parry Zac; a battle between who’s got the mitts and who’s got the wheels will be prevalent. Enter stage left Scotty H., the former Poutine netminder: if his Puck defense comes through, he’ll have no troubles whatsoever. Conversely, if Cro asks for another goalie again, there’s a good chance Captain Em may not approve and the Hookers will be sent back out into the streets. But I’m going with the underdog and gunning for Puck by 1.

Gremlins (L/W/W/W/W) at Cobra Kai (W/W/W/W/W)

Hockey Night in Tompkins [National Telecast], Tompkins East, 1800

by Hornswoggle

The Gremmies have seemingly faced the worst of their schedule and have emerged swimmingly. According to the tall skinny dude in the helmet known as Walker, he has never experienced this great degree of success like this before. Keep pinching yourself, John… this is real (and unfortunate for the rest of the league! haha). Third in goal differential with +24, he can rest easy knowing that even if he runs another marathon, it’s not like they lose their scoring machines [/eyeroll].

Gremlins 2017 (collage credit: Jamie B.)

The Dojo is one of five teams that have achieved a win streak of 5 or more (Gremmies W4-W8; Butchers W5-W12; Poutine W5-W9; Fresh Kills undefeated), and blanking the Demons last week should give them the mental and emotional fortitude to put the Gremmies to rest on Sunday. They sit atop the Katz Division, but a loss would threaten their position and their unblemished divisional record. Campbell potentially faces his toughest adversary yet, league photographer Jamie.

Prediction: Four Gremmie players account for 68% of goal scoring (32/47), but Campbell has been able to leave opponents emptyhanded twice more than Jamie. Despite the common conceptions of this becoming a high-scoring, goalie-blasting competition, I believe both Jamie and Campbell will stop nearly everything. The Dojo’s known offensive trident will be eclipsed by secondary scoring (Peter G., Tom) only because the Gremmies won’t expect it; similarly, the Gremmies will encourage Ryan and Mark M. to join the fray and strike when unexpected. That said, I think our furry creatures in canary will seize the day after regulation.

Mega Touch (W/W/L/L/L) at Instant Karma (W/OT/L/L/L)

Hockey Night in Tompkins [Regional Telecast], Tompkins West, 1800

by Hornswoggle

Both these teams have a three-game losing streak, and they’ll perceive their future schedules as formidable. They have players that have outwardly indicated signs of wear-and-tear (Alex a bloody scalp, and Nicole a sat-on ankle), and even “old” age—note to self, Chadtrick is really 28, and Yuri just graduated from college… presumably.

Let last week’s games demonstrate how cruel the hockey gods were: both opponents for both Mega and Karma were in the second (CMB) division; they both had 7 wins, and their differential was in the single digits. With Mike T. being the outlier in terms of stats (read: scoring ranking) since he’s at the very top, no one on either Math or Sky Fighters—not even the goaltenders Liang and Stein—seems to be an apparent threat to other teams. To sum up, the W13 games were winnable and unfortunately the odds weren’t even in Mega or Karma’s favor. Bluntly: they fluffed it.

Prediction: having gotten over the spoiled memories of W13, this Sunday is a good chance for Isaac and Alok to redeem and rejuvenate their teams’ spirits. In the battle between the person that’s hard to dislike and the Messi-loving league mediaman/heartthrob, I think our jort-wearing jewels just might snatch a goal from depleted Karma very late in the game (certainly that’ll come back to me, won’t it).