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ATTENTION: if you have not done so already, please use this link to sign up for this Sunday’s Olympic events. Do you think you have what it takes to win the Hot Legs competition?  (Please note that Beer Pong is only for after the Olympics and will not be an event during the Olympics.)

LBS, Inc. at Filthier
by Isaac

Despite their divisional standing, the LBS have enjoyed success this season against their divisional foes. Going 4-2-0 with a convincing win already against Filthier. Luke, Liz and Karsten might grab all of the limelight, but sturdy players such as Alex and Sascha are the reason they’ve been competitive in every contest.

Alex and Sascha’s ability to carry the ball out the defensive zone keeps their opponents on their heels.

Heavy are the hearts of Filthier after playing an emotional contest last Sunday. Rumor has it they are planning on starting only four players and a lone mouth guard to honor their comrade who has ventured out west. Ann will need to rally James, Sunny and rest of Filthier by reminding what’s on the line – divisional points.

Prediction: Filthier digs deep and finds a way to extend their win streak to 10 by defeating their longtime divisional nemesis, 5-3.

Denim Demons at Butchers
by Isaac

Can’t remember a game in which the Demons had to wear any other color than red, but it looks like they’ll have to for this one. The Demons have had their share of difficulties this season and perhaps dusting off and donning their alternate jerseys could be a breath of fresh air. Josh has been missing in action lately and their rookie Brian has been quite lately. Get these two to show and the pair could provide dividends.

Don’t go tell’n the Butchers about early season difficulties. They may have stumbled out the gate going 1-4, but have gone 7-1 in their last 8 games. What might have looked like a return trip to the Katz Division now looks like it could be an ascension to the Soko Division. MDF has brought on her bro AFD (aka Tarzan) and secured the depth they need for a late season push.

Prediction: Demons get back on track by putting a couple biscuits in the basket, but Pete and Dana are too hot to handle. Butchers win 4-3.

Mathematics at Gouging Anklebiters
by Arya Stark

Losing streak? What losing streak? The Biters are doing alllllright. (Feel better, kiddo.)

In a matchup that could determine a lot about the CMB division, Math heads to Anklebiter Arena to face the Biters.  The last time these two teams met Math won and sent the Biters into a tailspin; they haven’t won since, a span of over two months.  Can they break the streak here?  A win would go a long way towards securing the division tiebreaker against the Demons while a loss would put them squarely in the relegation danger zone.  Math’s win over Karma last week broke a four game losing streak of their own (ok two were in OT and we do grant NHL-style loser points in this league), but they’re still tied with the Butchers for the division lead.  Will the cigarette/water break heard round the world inspire Math or will the Biters draw spiritual strength from the upcoming Beer Olympics?

Prediction: Beer wins and the Anklebiters triumph 4-3 in this week’s upset special.

Gut Rot at Dark Rainbows
by Isaac

Don’t expect a great showing in the first half by the Green Machine. It’s seriously a lot to ask of group of people who’ve barely made it back from the previous night’s walk of shame. The best we can hope for is caffeinated and upright. (Kellie and Morgen, the surly duo that are never remorseful, drew the short straws this week. They’ll probably make an appearance around 2:46 pm.)

Good things can happen when you crash the net.

The Rainbows have not only been bit the season by the injury bug, but apparently they have also developed a phobia of shooting the ball. To get over it all they have to do is pass hard towards the net while the other forwards crash it. Abby has been on the mend lately, but she may need to show up this Sunday and coach her mates back into true Rainbows form.

Prediction: the healing powers of coffee and bacon take effect in the second half for Gut Rot and they barely prevail in regulation, 3-2.

Tompkins Square Riots at Poutine Machine
by Isaac

What a statement game that the Riots played last Sunday against one of the more dangerous teams in the league. Their fast paced tempo and unrelenting hustle forced an OT that the league (and some Survivor Pool players) was hoping they’d win. Christina, David and Suz have stepped up their game lately and could give teams fits down the stretch of the season.

Making a statement game of their own were Poutine against the league’s premiere team. However, unlike the Riots who banded together, the Machine’s core leadership and leading scorer ran for hills and Charlotte brought in some ringers (that were poached by Soko right after the game, ugh). Tough to say if we can take Poutine seriously as contender when they acted like pretenders.

Prediction: the Riots bring some nasty and give Poutine a taste of their own medicine, but Jerome avenges his shootout miss by netting the OT winner, 3-2.

It’s back!  The annual event (kind of) you’ve been saving your sick days for.  The 2017 BTSH Olympics is next Sunday, July 30^th!  The mayhem begins around 7 pm at the Parkside Lounge (corner of E Houston and Attorney St) and goes until Glanzer hits the floor or they toss us out.

Your favorite events (over the top arm wrestling, chugging, bar napkin love poem, two girls one cup, and many more) are back this year and possibly a couple new ones (stay tuned for more).  There will also be drink specials and food provided.

So mark your calendar and make Monday morning arrangements now.  It’ll be another epic one to remember.

Disclaimer: taking pictures or recording video is prohibited.  (Take mental pictures, Jamie.)

And now your regularly scheduled previews…

Mathematics at Instant Karma
by JW

This game is really about who shows up. Word on the street is that Isaac is still sick. He missed all the fun Sunday as he was stuck in bed watching reruns of Small Wonder. Will he make it this week? Pete retired but then showed up for the very next game, so…who knows? Sam and Chadwick may just skip the game and hang out on the terrace instead. Nicole rolled her ankle last week and may not be able to play. Michelle broke her finger.

Isaac may join them on the terrace, too. Is anyone playing in this game?

(Actually, shit, as I am writing this I’m realizing that both these teams are falling apart. Maybe I should change my narrative.)

Nope, I’m sticking with it. It’s about who shows up (not who is horribly injured).

It’s also about 2 incredibly nice sets of siblings. The Vernoias and the Norriseseses. Brianna and Cory light up the courts with their smiles, however…..Sam lights up goalies. Zach and Becky won’t even make this game but for the purpose of my preview I will pretend that they will. Hell, let’s even say Becky scores one, with an assist from Zach.

But what really happens is Sam scores 3, for his first hat trick of the year.

Prediction: In the battle of nice siblings both these teams are big winners, but on the rink it’s all Math. 5-1

Cobra Kai (L/W/W/W/?) at Denim Demons (L/W/L/L/?)

By Jerome

Presumably Will’s impatience for the box scores is indicative of an antsy feeling of “where the f are we in the standings because we won last Sunday”. At least that’s how I would feel. Also, if I were thriving in the annual survivor pool, maybe I’d be clamoring at JW and the Sultan to be timelier with these things.

According to the phantom Box Scores, Mike T now plays for the Demons. Initial reports confirm that Olivier is not taking this transfer well.

The Dojo has been on the uptick, handily winning four out of five (prior to W12). A restructuring Demons outfit will possibly be no challenge to our camo crew, but when one compares a team with the weight of maintaining success between a team being flexible and searching for identity, the pressure falls on the former team. Altman may be overly proud of his soldiers, but he doesn’t realize that having to claw [to continue] to be at the top of the Katz Division is a constant struggle with the Gremmies and Hookers. Conversely, Adam and his associates dwell at the feet of the division above, but we all know they’re quite close-knit—most, if not all of them, are Jewish—and are simply enjoying one another’s company.

Prediction: I would certainly expect The Dojo to be hustling for goals right away, and Rosen from the Demons will have to try to settle the onslaught and quarterback any offensive campaign. Hopefully Brian K. will emerge from his absence to accompany JR on the wing and help himself to another hatty, because he did that in his most recent appearance. Even if he surprisingly repeats, though, it may not be enough to hold the strike trident of The Dojo’s Will, Liam, and Lauren. Altman’s aces by two.

Tompkins Square Riots (L/L/W/W/?) at Fuzz (L/L/W/W/?)

By Jerome

With Dave Gil de Rubio immortalized into BTSH history books by having an entire conference eponymously named, I assume there is a fire burning in him to become a brick wall for the rest of the season. Think of the Soul Society arc in the Bleach series where Ichigo undergoes his training to achieve the final, highest level (bankai) with his sword; discovering that new level meant unleashing a lot of power from within. If you’re not an anime otaku, think of Dave GDR’s evolution like a fine wine; he gets better as he ages. Also, the dedication to put on all the goalie gear in spite of the humidity is unreal.

In the highest echelon of the league—interestingly in a conference named after the dude above—Fizz and our newly chosen Sultan are infighting over what’s mathematically considered .500 (well, maybe only one Fuzz player and Walker). But the train whose colors mirror the Seattle Seahawks has been slowing down, even after the win in W11 as the Sultan tried to return home with more winnings than Michael Ruane (he’s actually the brother-in-law of one of my schoolmates, fun fact). This doesn’t mean that Richie’s kids don’t lack the talent: Jeff and Alexa are an exemplary couple that contributes on both sides of the court, Miles scores boatloads of goals, and Hicks… well, he’s there and he tries to make opponents’ worlds a living hell. Whether or not this team considers itself .500, they are (as of W11) -1 in goal differential, and they should desperately be feeling that they should be on the plus side, forthwith.

Like Mr. Ruane, Glanzer until recently had lived a life of BTSH obscurity.

Prediction: Should all the necessary players show up for Fuzz on Sunday (that’s a message for Gil’s son and Gil’s son’s dad as well), they could rack up another W. But if we’re convinced that Macneil could make up a better rally speech than Rich, the rest of the league could witness an upset. In the meantime, I predict Fuzz victorious by two

Sky Fighters (W/L/W/L/?) at Mega Touch (L/W/W/L/?)

By Jerome

The Teytelbaums (sans Infanti, sadly) severely frustrated the Demons last week netting four in the first half (I was preparing for my own game during their second half, so I didn’t pay attention for the rest of that game). But maybe life without Martin isn’t bad at all, because this new generation of European firepower has emerged. No one forgets Kuci’s presence because he plays like a central defender but at mid-court, imposing and maneuvering.

I have no idea what happened between Mega Touch and Cobra Kai, but it seems our jort-flaunting jewels sought to be pushovers with Alex EM finishing the game nearly zombie-fied. Yes, a bloodied and not smiling father of one after a seemingly comfortable Sunday afternoon beer/social league matchup. If that’s the type of work you’re giving week in, week out for your team—with the willingness to shed your own [clichéd] blood, sweat, and tears—I hope you succeed all the time. Two wins in your last four is par for the course, but your teammates (ahem, Alok, Brady, Yuri) need to jump into the mix and get bloody as well.

Prediction: The guys and gals in blue have a speed game: running, passing, and shooting. What LBS, Inc. hoped to achieve this season is actually what we’re seeing with legend Hopper’s squad. They’re sure to dominate this match, which means Julie and the rest will have to be behind the ball a lot. They mustn’t be afraid to step up, block shots, swing sticks (legally), and keep plays to the outside. But the Fighters will likely take at least two on them, if they leave Roman unmarked

Gouging Anklebiters (OT/L/L/L/?) at Corlears Hookers (W/L/OT/W/?)

By Jerome

Week 12 was easy for one team, but not the other. Schuie’s stooges likely fell to Filthier (but thanks to the scoreman, we don’t know by how much); Putka’s platoon likely quashed Chadtrick and his Karma kids. So it’s clear that, in the middle of this seven-game run, the momentum will stop—or continue, depending on who you are—for either one or both of these teams.

Arguably our all-stars from both sides are the foci for the matchup, though we can’t discount how our goalies fare out as well. Courtney B. and Tiffany are both powerhouses for their respective teams, and I’d say we’ve got a battle between Pro (10+ goals) and Cro (6) in the front. Longwell against Bubblebath/Brown will be epic, but Longwell could have the advantage if he dons the skirt, thus increasing the aerodynamics/agility/smoothness of lateral movements.

Prediction: Longwell indeed wears the skirt and stonewalls everyone. The Biters’ secondary scorers (Worky, Alex D.) will contribute to the scoresheet, but they’ve forgotten about Bill’s ability to infiltrate opponents’ zones. Hookers triumph by three

Rehabs at Gut Rot
by JW

Ok, we all know that in the past this game would have been a “Stop! Stop! He’s already dead!” situation. However, Gut Rot has changed since then (though not in terms of partying, I went out with them Friday night and I haven’t seen that much tequila disappear since Encyclopedia Brown and the Case of The Great Tequila Theft. Dammit, the millennials don’t get this reference……again).

So, how exactly have they changed?  They added a new goalie, my buddy Ed, who is cool and collected between the pipes. They also added a few new players. Becca brings as much skill as she brings energy and humor, and that’s a lot. Hannah’s hijinks are rivaled only by Becca, and she is a solid player in her own right. And Ramon……ok, I don’t know Ramon.

Meanwhile, the Rehabs haven’t changed at all this year. They are still a well-oiled machine who crushes teams while barely breaking a sweat. They did lose last week, but that’s only because they played Fresh Kills, who never lose…….ever. Blandi is now the oldest guy on the team, at 67. Most of them are 22 years old and possibly clones or cyborgs built solely for the purpose of dominating at hockey. These robotic clone overlords are all modeled after Alex M., who leads the pack. Their goaltending is stellar even if Ramirez and Hect aren’t in the net at the exact same time. The only thing that might give the ‘Habs trouble this week is if Sena is still picking up trash in the park and can’t play. When I left her she was neck-deep in cardboard and beer-soaked plastic bags and calling out to me for help. Sorry Sena, I love you but I had to save myself.

We’ll miss you, Sena.

So, what wins this game?  Is it change, or more of the same?

Well, Akhil’s scoring streak may have to produce many goals in ONE game if Rot wants to win this one.

Prediction: 4-1 Rehabs, as the song remains the same.

Poutine Machine at Fresh Kills
by Isaac

This is one of the more interesting games of the day. At a quick glance you would overwhelmingly write it off as another win for Soko (congrats on the Division name, bud!) and his Kills. Their high-powered offense of Rush and Connor, balanced with Roxy’s stout defense, has earned them a squeaky clean record this season.

Game may want to consider playing up in this one.

But take another look and you’ll notice that Poutine is the type of caliber team worthy of playing in a higher division. How, you ask?  Well, for starters, they have enjoyed success all season against offensively strong teams like Fresh Kills. They slow down opponents by playing a Tortsie-style of game by disrupting the neutral zone with Natalie’s pinching and Mikey leaning in to win loose balls. Never let your guard down against them.

Prediction: Poutine leads at halftime, but Fresh Kills steps on the accelerator in the second and races to a 7-1 victory

Gremlins at Butchers
by Arya Stark

Gremlins’ All-Stars 2017

Two of the most perennially underrated teams in the league face off Sunday when the 7-4 Butchers take on the 8-3 Gremlins.  The Butchers are currently riding a six game winning streak and haven’t lost a game since April.  David’s been scoring, Arthur’s been defending, MDF has ads on Facebook, Craigslist and OKCupid for a missing glove connection – what’s not to like?  But the Gremlins are no pushovers; consider that just their top two guys and top two girls have a combined 30 goals, more than 11 teams in this league have for the entire season.  The key to this matchup will be goaltending where Jamie and Tim are likely to be relied upon more than usual in what may turn into a shootout.

Prediction: Butchers are firing on all cylinders and keep the streak alive 5-4.

LBS, Inc. at What The Puck
by Arya Stark

What The Puck, fresh off a blowout victory over the Dark Rainbows, rolls into Poundtown Sunday at 2:15 in an attempt to give Emily a 30^th, er 29^th, birthday to remember.  To do so she’ll have to neutralize her future roommate Roberts’ speed, tenacity and potential to celebrate like a savage.  If Zac (4th in league scoring) makes it back from Canada in time and WTP can control possession, they may have a chance to pull the mini-upset.

LBS have had an up and down season thus far.  Impressive wins over Rehabs, Fuzz, and Filthier put them in the upper echelon of the league but they’ll need more week-to-week consistency to be a true championship threat.  The question is, when will they turn it on?  Karsten and Scott the kid have carried the mail on offense so far and the goaltending has been solid despite some early stumbles.  Can they keep it up?  Who will they start in goal?  Will the kid have any sleeves?  What does a horseshoe do?  Are there any horse socks?  Is anybody listening to me?

Prediction: LBS start gearing up for the stretch run, bring their A game, win 6-3, pop champagne and watch Emily assault Roberts.  Quality Sunday.

Filthier at Dark Rainbows
by Isaac

Location, location, location.

In the past two seasons the Rainbows have been Filthier’s kryptonite.   Shutting them out once in the regular season and almost knocking them out in the playoffs. There’s something about these feisty pink people’s that simply give Filthy the heebie jeebies. Perhaps it is their always ‘can-do’ attitude and whatever Tia is lacing those snacks with (you saved some for me, right?). If they can slip a few past Tim K in the first, then we’re in for quite a good showing this Sunday.

Prediction: Rainbows have some of the dopest players in the league, but this game ends early in the second half with Filthy climbing to 10 quick.

Lords & Ladies of BTSH;

Last call for Survivor Pool entries.  We’ll be accepting them up through the start of Sunday’s games.  Entry fee is $5 and can be paid on the courts via cold hard cash.  And if somehow your first pick loses before you have even paid your entry fee that day (a truly impressive failure on your part), yes you still owe $5.  Nice try.

Interested degenerates, email BTSHPool@gmail.com with your picks for the July 9 games or with any questions.  And remember – when it comes to survivor, there is no middle ground.

And now Part 2 of the Previews…

Fresh Kills (W/W/W/W/W) at Gouging Anklebiters (W/W/OT/L/L), Tompkins West, 1530
by Jerome

20 points out of 20 isn’t bad. I can say this nonchalantly because Dave the gaffer isn’t bragging about his undefeated side… at least not overtly. FK takes care of things on the court like it’s business, and comes home with a win like it’s another day at the office. Think of this team as Seal Team 6: each player has a role and is remarkably good at it, they achieve their mission in a matter of minutes, and they lay waste to the bodies across the Mediterranean. Okay, maybe not that last part. Like the very few interviews that were had with Seal Team 6, Fresh Kills remains modest about their victorious ways. Just look at Ariel’s reaction over what people thought of his shootout dangle(s).

What the…?!

The Anklebiters this year are, conversely, bragging. With Gut Rot seeking a new agenda of being forthcoming about seeking a record over .500, it means that the “funnest” team—which includes who can out-party and out-drink whom—is up for grabs. Schuie’s squad is just the team. Further reinforcing this is Probert’s reaction when a young lady on an opposing team pick-pocketed him after his fancy feet, dipsy-doodling. Nothing but smiles from the team’s scoring leader.

Prediction: With the weather perfect for ball hockey (which means water breaks will likely be for tactical purposes), I can see this match turn out to be an old-fashioned, pre-Tompkins, score-palooza. Classic Barch and iconoclast LaCombe will probably give in after Probie and Connor net a few for their teams, but they’ll realize that only one team will come out with two points after 50 minutes, so whoever realizes that first is privy on taking the game.

Who am I kidding? Fresh Kills by at least two by regulation’s end

Denim Demons at Rehabs
by Richiehero

It’s been a rough year for the Demons.  They are 3-7, in last place in the Ace Division and it loo…wait. WHY ARE OUR DIVISIONS NAMED AFTER BARS??!?!? Part of the rich history of BTSH is the divisions are named after BTSH legends. I want my fucking Katz Division back!

Anyways, the Demons are having a rough year. Hell they even lost to Fuzz and no one loses to Fuzz. But despite their poor record, they’ve only given up 9 more goals than goals scored, meaning they are in most every game. Zach has done a great job replacing BTSH HOFer Coach. Few teams position themselves better than them and despite their new annoying koombyya/zen attitude, they still hustle more than most. In other words, don’t look past them Rehabs.

But the Rehabs are on another level. Cherie and Amber just took silver in the worlds and Eric R. is quietly maybe the best goalie in the league not named Tim. Black Rob gives them veteran leadership when he shows which is needed because there is a rumor that Ramy is beta AF. I could never bash Sena but if I could, I’d say sometimes her follow through is higher than her knee. Is that allowed? We’ve changed the rules so much who knows at this point.

Prediction: The Demons led by Adam, Josh, Miles, Anshu and JR will give the Rehabs problems. Just kidding, JR will probably cowardly not show like she did last game. But the Demons team speed and great positioning is going to cause many Rehab turnovers. The Rehabs will be surprised by how good the Demons play and only win by 4. 6-2. Beer to anyone who pushes Welch lightly into a fence.

Butchers (W/W/W/W/W) at LBS, Inc. (SO/W/L/W/L), Tompkins West, 1645
by Jerome

Rachel’s tide made a mess (don’t do it, Justin!) with the Anklebiters in Week 10, leaving Probie and the rest goalless and worrying about having to face undefeated Fresh Kills this week. Perhaps Rachel threatened Arthur to the dog house if he didn’t tally one last week, especially where couples made up that match’s feature.

Not the PBR cup yet, Ben.

Our country club crew (with embroidered insignia) suffered a real blowout against (who else?) our still undefeated league leaders, but with seven consecutive weeks of hockey on tap, Karsten’s Kids could pick up where they left off and not try to be Richie’s Kids, who are just two points (and one regulation win) below them.

Prediction: Goal differential is close, so we’ll have to leave this to the defense and more importantly, the netminders. Did Ali and RK successfully recruit a goalie for the rest of their campaign? Will Tim B. stay large and guide his meat cleavers to another victory? I think not: the kid is looking to unleash his rage on Butcher’s D from being shut out last week, and it will be more than what Rosie and Creamy can put up for their own. Los blancos by two

Mega Touch (L/L/L/W/W) at Tompkins Square Riots (L/L/L/L/W), Tompkins East, 1800
by Jerome

Nearly identical in points and goal differential, both sides are looking to replicate what they did in Week 10. Although Riots’ game against What the Puck was more of a thriller, Mega Touch is no longer the failure it was before the season’s midpoint. Suffice it to say that Alok isn’t stressed out any longer because the Premier League season is over, so he’s finally been able to concentrate on a real sport. [/eyeroll]

While two points is probably the only incentive for any of these two teams to win on Sunday, I have the slightest feeling that neither of these teams wants them. Julie and Dave GDR are brilliant representatives of the squads, and they both want their teams to have fun, especially for this very late game. Hell, some people might be day drinking prior to the matchup, and that’s okay with everyone. However, at the end of the day, the Riots have to close up the court, so it must be their prerogative to end the hockey swiftly and smoothly in their favor.

Prediction: Vanck’s friend and TAR 29 partner, the articulate and breathtaking demi-goddess known as Ashton Theiss, will likely be in attendance, which means all the single (and perhaps taken, too) gentlemen will attempt to get on her good side through a lot of unsuccessful showboating, a lot of unnecessary shots—some of which are aimed at their own nets because they’re quite overwhelmed—and even some questionable water breaks so that the thirsty will try to get a word in. Like I wrote earlier, the Riots will want to snatch the two points promptly, and the razzle-dazzle from Sharif and Amy will do the trick. Riots by one. [Nota bene: Ashton will likely not be there. Calm down, everyone.

Gut Rot (W/L/L/SO/W) at Cobra Kai (L/W/L/W/L), Tompkins West, 1800
by Jerome

Both squads are picking up the pace at the right time. The Dojo brandishes two wins (one over the “Cro”okers) and the former Mexican Standoff franchise triumphed over me and my Poutiners last week. Although an entire division (literally, five teams) separates these two teams, the old adage, “It’s not the size of the dog in the fight; it’s the size of the fight in the dog” comes to mind.

GUT ROT, BITCHES!!!

Peaches’ posse gains more experience points while having fun and basking in the points it’s gained this season. Cobra Kai ties with the Gremmies, and retaining a good position for seeding starts with this mini campaign of seven consecutive games. Either team will want to be clamoring for more hockey, more goals, more opportunities, and ultimately, more points.

Prediction: Will and Liam could have a field day if Ed isn’t sharp enough. I would say that possession is key, but even more keynote is how the chances are distributed. Poutine had countless chances, but couldn’t put the final nails in the coffin, and Gut Rot struck gold where it mattered. Morgen and Gilligan will be in charge of finding the exploits in The Dojo’s defense, but it might be more difficult than expected. I pick The Dojo, victorious by three. Only because they have a win-loss pattern going on.