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Tompkins Square Riots at What The Puck
by Isaac 

Summertime and the living’s easy for Laura and the Riots, except when you’ve got to face a divisional pest like WTP.  That rowdy bunch of orange knuckle-headed pucks can be a handful to deal with.  Luckily for the Riots Sharif has been back in the mix and the skillful duo of Joe and Drew know how to keep calm and motor on.

Riots defense is ready to clamp down on the Pucks’ offense.

Just a whisper of Joe and Drew is enough to make the Puck’s defense, led by Eric, quiver in their sneakers.  Human Grease Fire is new to these rivalries and we’ve heard that he’s susceptible to monitoring his stats more than the scoreboard.  Emily will need to pull this unruly band together in the second half if they want to survive this divisional clash.

Prediction: when life gives you oranges you make screwdrivers and that’s what the Riots will be sipping on while savoring this victory, 3-2.

Mathematics (W/L/L/W/L) at Sky Fighters (L/L/W/W/L), Tompkins East, 1630
by Jer-homie

While both teams ended up with a loss each by the end of Week 9, we can’t shame them for losing more than giving credit to their opponents where credit is due. Eli and company faced the unflappable Fresh Kills, and Infanti and his posse squared off against a Rachel’s tide—credit to Justin P. for being so vulgar—who probably recruited that saxophone player (who played “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” in the 2010 PBR Cup final) to score the goal that would guarantee them the win. That was a long sentence.

What can the media say other than if the Teytelbaums show up, this could be an open and shut case for the azzurri. However, the matriarch of the Norris clan has revitalized her family’s reputation by posting three pictures of what seems to be good times after an afternoon of rounders. Positive thoughts all around, Sam, Zach, and Rebecca will hope to spread that to their teammates and give Stein a run for his money.

Prediction: This will be a close game, but Roxanne could be the difference that settles the bout. David L. has been minding the net diligently with his sub-2.00 GAA, and he’s been giving them the wherewithal to take the division.

Mega Touch (L/L/L/L/W) at Dark Rainbows (SO/L/L/L/L), Tompkins West, 1630
by Jer-homie

This is a time for either squad to start seeking redemption after having a shambolic first half. Week 9’s climate conditions weren’t nice to anyone, and even forced Rainbows’ substitute goaltender to leave midway through the second half of the game. On the opposite court, Mega’s Brady somehow found a moment to be opportunistic for his winless side and slot one past Jamie. [A lesson for Walker: nothing is more important than facing a team with nothing to lose; just imagine if you didn’t run that marathon, right?]

Heads up, Rainbows, you’re playing Mega Touch!

One point separates these teams, but their stats tell a different story. For example, Alex EM’s army has lost four games by 2 goals (the second of which could be an empty netters); whereas Bernstein’s bunch has been robbed of a chance of trying to post a comeback, having fallen to seven different teams by 3 or more goals. Everyone in this clash knows that, while they’ve been designated the #19 and #20 spots by the media, a win—or even a point—at the start of the latter half potentially rejuvenates one or both teams. But will Sunday’s weather be kind or awful to them? A brief look says 80 degrees with 55% humidity with a 20% chance of precipitation… so probably kind.

Prediction: Sophomore player Eric T. could break out of nowhere if he makes his appearance known. But his formidable foe that afternoon will likely be Cheeky, who’s been unbelievable these past few weeks. “Studies have shown that 70% of the earth is covered by water; the rest is covered by Cheeky.” Mega Touch victorious by 1.

LBS, Inc. (W/SO/W/L/W) at Fresh Kills (W/W/W/W/W), Tompkins East, 1730
by Jer-homie

Hockey Night in Tompkins, National Telecast

Folks, this is a game that many will silently regret missing (because they’ll likely be getting plastered at Hifi/Double Wide/Ace/13 th Step) because the stakes are certainly high. There’s the obvious Fresh Kills win streak that could be broken, and then there’s the great sense of LBS. momentum that entered after their victory over the Rehabs in Week 9. These two had a rendezvous at the season opener, from which Ariel and Ashley S. tallied and Longwell filled in for a shutout. Fresh Kills has an opportunity to keep the status quo, and the LBS. can seek redemption.

We’ll expect a real barnburner with Ariel, Connor, and Sheena against the kid and Karsten when it comes to who can light the lamp the most. 38 goals between the five of them is a stat that is staggering to the point that Ed and the Pork Fried Rice veterans would raise their eyebrows. The type of offensive output seen today by all teams is something that only one or two teams 10 years back wouldn’t even fathom accomplishing.

Prediction: I wrote that LBS. was a legitimate threat to the Rehabs in Week 9, and I write similarly about them in this Week 10 showdown. Soko will have to batten down the hatches because their opposition is pacey. Gabe and Ariel parry with prodigious stickhandling and could definitely hit twine. But if the LBS. secondary scorers join the rush (Jake, Dustin, and the rest) and add to Karsten and the kid’s tally, they’ll serve the Kills the finest cold dish this summer. Los blancos by one after regulation.

Filthier (L/W/SO/W/W) at Rehabs (W/W/SO/W/L), Tompkins West, 1730
by Jer-homie

Hockey Night in Tompkins, National Telecast

A divisional matchup between midseason-ranked #3 (Rehabs) and #4 (Filthier)—thanks to a one-sided journalist—should be less intense but equally as competitive as the game above. Ann, James, and now Suvin are going to town on some teams, most recently making a statement against the underachieving Fuzz a fortnight ago. With Cherie returning from international duty, the rossoneri hope to get wheels up again after one of the toughest opponents they faced this season in LBS.

One conception of the Rehabs might be that they’re physical; of course, their logo is the face of a beaten up hockey player. But other than the alleged fence incident (which wasn’t even started by a Rehabs’ player), there really hasn’t been any rabblerousing since the days of Villano and “Dinner Plate” Feldman. On the same vein, Filthier has been relatively quiet except where it matters: the scoresheet. Being third in scoring productivity means they’ve loosened the reins on their offense and it’s been paying off.

Joey, Alex and the Rehabs have been enjoying success this season. Can they keep the good times rolling against Filthier?

A concern about this game could be the kit clash. Two days ago marked the longest day of summer, so the sun will be still roasting players even after 5pm. Goalies will be delicate in choosing their water breaks, but the outfield players will surely be drenched by the half. Also, the West court isn’t as forgiving since more umbrage dominates the East bench area. That said, which side will don the change kit and go light?

Prediction: the team in the lighter color has a good chance of taking the match. But the for the sake of being unambiguous, Filthier could take the match due to spectacular goaltending (Tim K.) and goals from their very best (see above). The Rehabs won’t go down in regulation but expect some laser beams from Joey “Come get your Bola de Bolacha!” B.

Poutine Machine at Gut Rot
by Isaac

In one corner we’ve got Poutine, who are young, dumb and full of come at me bro.  And quite full of themselves too after receiving a shocking spot at No. 2 in the recent Annual Power Rankings post by one of their own.  Not saying they are undeserving of recognition for the incredible season they’re having, just saying it is still early.  

In the other we’ve got Gut Rot, the quintessential BTSH team that enjoys marinating in the true essence of what the league is really about.  At mid-season they’ve already accomplished one of their seasonal goals by collecting more points than 2016 while maintaining the blood alcohol content of an average Bostonian.  Can our drunken friends earn another W against a divisional foe?  Is the 1 pm time slot too early for them to shake off the fever of saturday night?

Prediction: the rabid Machine’s suffocating defense makes it an easy day for Hesse, but a frustrating one for GR, 3-0.

Instant Karma at Cobra Kai
by Richiehero

Karma vs. Kobra Kai, or the KKK Game as Etile Llort likes to call it, is a matchup that everyo….wait it’s Cobra, not Kobra? That sucks. Fuckin’ Llort.

Anyways, Karma is coming off a decisive victory over the Riots where league sweetheart, Isaac, scored two goals and Heather played her best game yet.  I’m not just saying a girls name just to put it there.  You dolts know I don’t do that.  She was in great spots all game and almost scored.  Lisa got checked into the fence and one of the refs was laughing so hard he forgot to call the actual penalty.  Luckily Ryann was reffing and did.

Campbell might be receiving praise, but Liam and Nabataz are doing all the work.

On the other side, the Rachels of Cobra Kai are in first place after disposing of the Cro-okers 4-0.  This guy Campbell is pretty good in net, eh?  Paul B. scored his first two goals of the season to lead the way and could be due for more.

Prediction: None shall pass one against Campbell.  Nabatz will be like James Ellsworth while leading LJ and Goth Rachel to distract the turds on Karma, while jerks like Liam and Sebastian score and get all the credit.  Will will also score but he’s not a jerk. 4-0 Kobra Kai over Karma.

Gremlins at Corlears Hookers
by Isaac

You can never count out the Hookers when these two are in the game.

On paper, the Gremmies and Hookers are nearly identical.  Both have earned 12 points by winning six games with only three losses, are 2-2-0 in their division, have legitimate scoring threats (Erich & Cody and Sarah & Tiffany & Jenna), ball moving defenders (McAdams and Danilo) and quality protectors between the pipes (Batuwantudawe and Longwell).  So what does separate these two?  Well for starters, one is captained by a savvy league veteran with the demeanor of Ferdinand the Bull and the other by a blundering buffoon.  (We’ll let you figure that one out for yourselves.)

Prediction: the Gremlins defeated the Hookers earlier this year and will sweep the series on Sunday by 5-3 with Tim finally getting on the scoring sheet. Oh yeah, Walker ends up earning a Glanzer (-2).

Denim Demons at Fuzz
by Isaac

The BTSH equivalent of a Money In The Bank Cage Match.  Neither of these back down from a challenge and both are out to prove that their recent success is no fluke.  Also, add in that they know each other and don’t like each other and we’ve got pure ‘oh no you didn’t’ finger wagging all game long.

The Demons and Fuzz had rough starts to their seasons, but have been performing close to expectations lately. This is the time of year when collecting points isn’t the only thing that matters – it is creating and sustaining an identify too (that becomes paramount for all teams during the second half of the season).

Are the Fuzz the underachieving bag of talent that are collapsing under the weight of last season’s success?  Are the Demons last year’s Hookers that regressed and tanked in order to rebuild?  These questions may not be answered in just one game, but at least we’ll be learning more about who they are.

Prediction: the team you love to hate outduels the team you used to hate with Fuzz taking this one 4-2.

Butchers at Gouging Anklebiters
by Richiehero

Judging by Marko’s Instagram this will be played 4 on 4 with her and Creamy making out at center court the whole time. And that’s bad news for the Butchers.  (No offense to Diana.)  Creamy may have lucked out in his personal life, but Probie and the boys will certainly take that trade off.

Have you seen this women’s right glove? If so, call 1-900-MIX-A-LOT.

However this will cause problems for the Biters as they like to have Joe P. lead the breakout and having the middle clogged will certainly deter their transition game.  Not only that, but Sarah M., Caroline, Amy and the rest of the Biter women are going to be annoyed that Diana is taking such a long shift.

The Butchers won’t mind as Arnold will get tossed, JSB is really chill and will be happy for Creamy and Peter…that dude that replaced Jeff will still score two goals.

Prediction: I predict a Butchers upset…3-2!

by Rachel G and Diana M

Fresh Kills at Mathematics

Sam is about to wade into the Fresh Kills waters. Cue the Jaws music. Little do they know he will be outfitted in his little Brazilian swim trunks which can intimidate the shit out of even the toughest predator.

Very intimidating.

Math decided to counter the Russian led Fresh Kills(Soko/Ariel) with an international star of it’s own, Mr. Bobber. I don’t know if you remembered the famed Scottish-Russian Gold medal game of 1906? MGM just bought the rights to that epic tale so we’ll re-live it on the big screen soon enough. Anyway…in the meantime, you’ll have to make do with watching this epic match-up, with supporting roles of Amy Anderla (hailing from Wisconsin) and some good old-fashioned Midwestern Norris. Pretty sure the rest of the Fresh Kills are Jersey. Nothing wrong with Jersey. Jus’ saying.

Prediction: Kills by 1, Spoiler Alert: pretty sure that aligns with the Scottish-Russian gold medal game.

What The Puck at Gut Rot

Oh man, I’m such a Gut Rot fan it’s wrong for me to even write this previews. And yet, here I go again. Gut Rot, with more recessive genes than this guy from Princess Bride…

..will be taking their fiery reds and blondes up against a very motivated WTP this Sunday. From what I’ve gathered – Gut Rot, like anxiety, comes in waves. Since they went down last week to the Sky Fighters, I’m thinking they are going to come back up fighting for WTP. The green lantern will glow bright and they will emerge victorious in a high scoring game.

Prediction: Gut Rot wins 5-4!

Dark Rainbows at Poutine Machine

Yum. Rainbow Poutine, is that like the French Canadian version of that unicorn food trend? I’m in.

These Hifi division rivals have historically played an exciting game, let’s hope they keep that up. Despite Cat and the gang’s best efforts, the Rainbows have been struggling to start off this season and are still looking for their first W. For the love of God, can’t someone thank Tia for those photos with a W? Somehow I don’t think Poutine is going to be that generous. They are coming of a big (and feisty) W against the Demons, and it doesn’t look like the are slowing down. Charlotte and those Mikes are hitting their stride and their new keeper isn’t letting much up.

Prediction: Poutine by 1, The Rainbows will put up a fight and keep it exciting, but I don’t think they can stop the BSA alert.

Sky Fighters at Butchers

The Sky Fighters are feeling pretty fine after their decisive win last week over Gut Rot. Word on the street is Olivier is gearing up hard for this upcoming face off against the crimson tide:

Gearing up Gut Rot style.

Wait, Olivier is out this week you say? Then he is just gearing up for the weekend en général. But keep in mind Creamy is on a hot streak after scoring the game winning goal for the Butchers last week. Yeah, it was in the final seconds of the first half but it’s more exciting if we pretend it was the second. Wait – this just in – Creamy is vacationing at the beach this weekend, so all that nonsense was irrelevant. F*ck this preview. This is a tough one to call but with the Tickle-Me-Teytelbaums at large and reaching for the armpits of Rachel G and MDF, they might edge it out.

Prediction: Sky Fighters by 1 in OT.

Gouging Anklebiters at Denim Demons

After pondering this preview for hours(minutes), I realized this game might be better played at the bar. The Anklebiters are the longstanding drinking champions of BTSH. If you’ve ever been hanging out late enough for the ‘biters Sing Sing rally call, you surely spent Monday morning cursing their names. On the other hand, the new upstart Demons are the self-proclaimed young blood of alcoholism in BTSH. On any given Sunday, they are sure to be the last men(and women) standing(or arm wrestling) at Double-Wide. If I had any power here(you should all be thankful that I don’t), I’d send them to Double-Wide and Sing Sing.

Prediction: Biters by 1, Tracey, Rubens and gang can hold their own at Double-Wide, But nobody can outlast Caroline at Sing Sing. Also Worky McParty.

by Jerome V to the R and Isaac S

Fuzz at Filthy Creatures

On Sunday, July 17, 2016 Fuzz mounted a remarkable comeback against Filthier by erasing a three goal deficit in the closing minutes of regulation.  Then in OT their most charismatic player from Long Island blasted one from the point past Tim, sending a shock-wave through BTSH.  It took everyone, even the spectators, minutes to register what they had just witnessed.

Rumor has it that this guy might be in town.

Well, this Sunday, revenge will be a dish best served IN-YO-FACE(!).  Since that wild game Filthy has been foaming at the mouth for a rematch.  This one could get ugly quick.  JJ, Kate and Shafiq are properly motivated to get revenge against the wounded Fuzz.

Prediction: it won’t be a pounding, probably more like a spanking of a misbehaving child.  Filthy glides to an 8-2 victory.

This matchup is about who’s seen the world more and can impart the right knowledge to secure victory: is it Chadtrick, the award-winning (in our hearts and maybe literally) novelist, or The Amazing Race 29 contestant Vanck (to whom I dare to ask if Ashton’s single btw)? Both these athletes have reached their respective levels of hockey sense through a lot of book smarts—because they are both highly intelligent—and a helluva lot of work when off the books (Ben was integral in winning the PBR Cup and Division D Lasker trophy with me in 2010; I’ve witnessed Vanck’s ascendancy from being a free agent to a relentless go-getter on the court, which you see today).

(That was a lot of stuff in parentheses, I know.)

Although some may consider this clash as a snoozefest, back the breadbasket up. Karma and Riots are quite identical: same losing streak, same goal differential, same place in the standings in their respective divisions, and they’ve both got celebrities (well, Karma has “Thor” at least). A thirst to sacrifice more and more each shift will determine the result, which means Danielle and Lisa Heartbreaker will have to rev up their teammates to at least score one, because they were shut out the previous week. Similarly, Amy J. and Sharif must continuously be proactive and encouraging, because they were somehow able to keep up with Dave, Pete, and the Butchers last Sunday.

Prediction: A stalemate in 50 means that Chadtrick will have to fulfill the very name bestowed on him before the final overtime whistle blows. But the Riots’ Alex L. may steal the spotlight early if Suz, Laura, and the Riots’ front line commits to a high press and short, complete passes. Should the Riots succeed, and Ben doesn’t cover his point, the Riots gain a free (read: winning) goal

Rehabs (W/W/W/SO/W) at LBS., Inc. (L/W/SO/W/L), Tompkins West, 1400

One may consider Rehabs’ 2-0 win as a scare because it’s only two goals over the currently worst team in the league. To be fair, Julie and company hired the right ringers to limit Hector’s pride and joy of a team to just two goals. Nevertheless, two more points in the bag for the titleholders. Although in the same division, the guys and gals in white polo shirts and pleated skirts have been going through a bit of turbulence in the last five, losing to the Anklebiters and Hookers but triumphing over 2016 powerhouse, Fuzz.

This duel will be based on how squared away these two are. Rehabs certainly have goaltending in Eric and backup Hector. They also have Cherie and Joey “la gente que me critica va a meter la guitarra en el saco” B. on the top-scoring list. And everyone in between, including Ramy and the dude who clearly had ups over Alex EM last week, is a solid addition.

Evidence of said ‘ups.’

LBS still have yet to gain their rhythm, even though getting on the scoresheet isn’t a problem—the kid (he insisted the media use that appellation) and Karsten account for 60% of the team’s goal production. No, the fact is that they’re giving up goals as they’re gaining them; they’re only a +5 in goal differential. Relying on secondary scoring—in Michael R., Luke, and Tommy, as well as Rachel and Alex C.—can get the ball rolling in their advantage.

Prediction: This is the first legitimate threat the Rehabs face when it comes to ceding their undefeated (in regulation) status this year. Cherie, Sena, and Bryan are extremely composed on defense and are great when quarterbacking plays. However, a swift three-pronged attack from the kid and Luke/Michael R./Rosey on the wings and Karsten from the back potentially exploits gaps in its opponent’s shape. Should the LBS make a concerted effort to discover and strike these access points quickly, they’ll secure a victory in regulation. Los blancos wins by one

Cobra Kai (W/W/L/W/L) at Corlears Hookers (W/L/W/W/W), Tompkins East, 1500

This divisional rival showdown will likely be eclipsed by the attention given to Rehabs/LBS, Inc., but I think it should be dubbed as match of the week. It’s still early to consider the standings tight since anything can happen in the latter half of the season, but if the Gremlins lose to Mega Touch and The Dojo takes this match, the three teams will be in a three-way tie for first in points in the division.

In a Week 8 where the hockey gods still sided with anything blue (sadly, not Instant Karma), JJ’s fierce faction was extremely close to ending Fresh Kills’ win streak. But the triumvirate of Will, Peter G., and Liam emerge with five goals apiece, accounting for nearly three-quarters of the team’s cumulative effort. The Dojo has also won where it’s mattered most: the division. With a win over the Hookers, they mark themselves as undefeated within their division, giving them strong chances to take #3 seed late if points and goal differential are the same by September.

Swallowing or vomiting?

The Hookers find themselves between a rock and a hard place (no, not a d*ck, but figuratively speaking, Cobra Kai could be that, since their logo is a snake). The Gremmies show no sign of faltering, and CK is right behind them. Winning this week temporarily guarantees some breathing room from the teams beneath, and priorities can be shifted towards achieving the top spot with a manageable July schedule.

Prediction: Campbell on The Dojo is the player to watch for the match. With five wins and a sub-2.00 GAA, his performance against the run-and-gun Hookers will be critical. Between the pipes on the other side, Longwell might not be on the top goalies list. But how he can parry with Campbell and CK’s pressing may or may not prove his worth to be on said list, which is why he’ll need all hands on deck to prevent a smackdown. Each team will emerge with a point, but el equipacion camuflaje will be writing “good win tonight boys” on their social media platforms at game’s conclusion.