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Happy National Donut Day, BTSH!

Gut Rot at Sky Fighters, 2pm, West

How does Mia get this open every game?

Corlears Hookers (W/W/L/W/W) at LBS, Inc. (W/L/W/SO/W), Tompkins West, 1500

by Hornswoggle

Both teams arrive this week with something to prove, as they are in highly competitive divisions. While half the season hasn’t rolled through yet, it’s quite early to assert the idea that they are identical in certain aspects.

First thing’s first: last week, the Hookers suppressed the hype of Gut Rot’s popularity this season, winning 4-1 with a brace from Cro. Similarly, LBS also won, but against division rivals Fuzz, and not after a lengthy stoppage in the second half, which the refs took time to settle and restart. Scott ended up with a hat trick in that game and has 9 goals to his name.

As written above, these lineups are similar. Bill L. on the Hookers squares off well with Luke in terms of pace, and both are ridiculous with stickhandling. Kamen and Scott are quite offense-oriented, and although Scott has the edge in physicality, Kamen parries with agility.

However, the differences are enlightening: LBS have no females on the scoresheet; the Hookers have three. An even distribution of scoring gives the Hookers an advantage, as well as a focal point for them to limit possession on Scott and Karsten when they’re on the court, possibly through double coverage or keeping more skilled players on them. Having said that, the most critical difference is goaltending: the LBS still don’t have a committed goaltender and their wins come from free agents, though recent call Mike Z. could be an interest. Meanwhile, the Hookers have relied on Longwell, whose work ethic has risen and resulted in great dividends.

Prediction: That said, the Hookers may as well take this one if they play their cards right. It’ll likely be after regulation, and in a shootout. We’ll probably expect a degree of chippiness, but that’s the expectation when both sides are stacked and ready to play. Hopefully, they’ll all shake hands and go to Richie’s party afterw—oh, that was two weeks ago. My bad.

Fresh Kills (W/W/W/W/W) at Cobra Kai (W/W/W/L/W), Tompkins East, 1630

by Hornswoggle

At this critical juncture in the season where the temperature after this week rises dramatically because such is the catastrophic state of global warming—particularly inside the New York City area—it is quite a feat that Fresh Kills has remained undefeated in all aspects of the game. Even Filthier’s Tim sulks in resignation with this knowledge, after having given up an (ironically) filthy penalty shot winner to Ariel in Week 7.

#willyhero

The Dojo bounced back from a tough loss to the Anklebiters to coasting through Mega Touch 4-1 last week. Important in the campaign is consistent attendance, so with Memorial Day marking the unofficial start of 18,472,350 water breaks and jostling teams (even those not currently scheduled to play) for shade, a healthy showing for the company in urban camo is necessary.

Prediction: Expect Sheena, Gabe, Connor, and Ariel to provide significant contributions to the score sheet, with captain Dave (and his on and off knee) and Eugene to hold the back line. At times the defense will yield to the dipsy doodle, hard-shooting techniques from CK’s Will and Liam, but it’s the Kills’ offense that will ultimately suffocate The Dojo if it doesn’t dominate possession. Dave and the blues will be victorious by 3.

Instant Karma (L/W/W/L/L) at Filthier (L/W/L/W/SO), Tompkins West, 1630

by Jeromie-Romie-Rome

Approaching the midpoint of the season, Chadtrick’s Karma clan hasn’t yet stabilized a clean enough record to clear the bar of not having to play the play-in game (yes, I know, too early). Our evil monsters in yellow, spearheaded by helmet-wearing Walker himself, put an 8-3 spook on Karma in Week 7.

Meanwhile, Filthier’s 1-1- 1 record in their last three means a somewhat satisfactory 3 points of a possible 6, but the result is from facing two top tier—and very much in form—squads in the process. On paper, this upcoming matchup seems like the best remedy to make themselves much apparent as a top division member.

Even though Ann M may be the only Filthier personnel representing her team on the stats page, the league may see Sunny M and James P on the list soon. Karma should expect staunch defending from Lesser Hemsworth Jr. Jr., but word on the streets is that he’s a no-show because he’ll be engaging in talks with FC Barcelona manager Ernesto Valverde about a possible free transfer of fullback Rafinha to Instant Karma. With Isaac’s absence, it’s the team’s hope that Nicole C staunchly defends the Karma half while Cory V, Alfred L, and Lisa Heartbreaker contribute offensively, peppering shots at Filthier’s Tim K.

Prediction: Considering the forms of both teams, neither will have it easy. Lack of rhythm on the court (hockey-wise, and perhaps musically, too, due to the cacophony from punk rockers on the other side of Tompkins) will make this an awful affair, from which Filthy will be victorious by only one goal.

Mathematics at Dark Rainbows

by JW

The Rainbows and Math. Math and the Rainbows.  We all know quite a bit about how each of these team plays hockey. But how to they fare at…….swimming? Because that’s about all anyone is going to be doing at Tompkins Square Park this Sunday.

This one’s getting rained out, kids.

(Dear Math and the Rainbows: If we miraculously play Sunday, I will whip up a real preview for your 2 teams on the spot Sunday morning. Because I am just that good.)

If this guy doesn’t show up on Sunday, then JW will whip it out for you guys.

Ok, ok, out of love for these 2 teams and self-imposed guilt, I’ll write it now…

The Norris clan of Zach, Sam, Becky, Nathan, Bartholomew J. Norris, and Chester Copperpot Norris have continued the long tradition of Math being one of the most fun teams in the league. But, they’ve also added some talent.  Math are currently sitting pretty at the top of the Ace bar division (4-0 in their division!), and Chester Copperpot Norris has had nothing to do with that (no offense bud, but your family is way better at hockey than you are). Who HAS had something to do with that are whoever this new guy John is, and also Sarah H. locking down the D. Combined with all their skilled veterans, this team is now a well-oiled machine. They’ve been flying under the radar a bit this season, but nothing gets past this seasoned (read: weathered) old reporter. Math are a team to beat.

Meanwhile, the Rainbows are in a rebuilding year. They’ve embarked upon this rebuilding year the RIGHT way, the BTSH way. Tia and Josh are building camaraderie whilst showing the new Rainbows the ropes on the rink as well. Team BBQs, hanging after the game, team photo shoots, aquarobics classes together, morning bingo at the local senior citizens center (ok, so maybe I’m mistaken about some of the specific things they’re doing together, but the point is that they’re bonding). This all MIGHT not be enough to beat Math this week, but it is enough to win…….our respect.

Prediction: I say “might” not be enough to beat Math because much like the Jamie vs. Tia photo competition…..this one is going to be a lot closer than you think.  Tune in at 5:30 on the east rink to find out.

Fuzz at Gremlins

What’s going on with the Fuzz this year? All of the core pieces from last year’s dominant squad have returned, but the chemistry seems to be missing. Or are Alexa and Jeff that important? If they are absent again this week then steam will be shooting out of Richiepoothang’s ears before the end of the ref’s first beer.

Uh, who knew Cody is this good? (back-to-back hat tricks, ugh!) Captain Mills has been beaming with pride from finding this diamond in the Free Agent rough. (or was that Cathy or Buschie? I can’t keep up with this happy-go-lucky group) If he can make it to this week’s game then it’s game over for the Fuzz.

Prediction: the battle of the helmets between Walker and Jeff will come down to who wears it better. It’s Maire. Gremlins continue to roll, 5-3.

Gouging Anklebiters (L/W/W/W/W) at What the Puck? (W/W/OT/L/W), Tompkins East, 1300

by Hornswoggle

Two of the league’s decently vulgar sides will engage in a soiree that will erupt in physicality. Yes, the “1, 2, 3, F*ck” chants will be off the charts as the Orange Crush—note: not the Philadelphia Flyers—will be protesting with not their team name, but a smidge more offensive variant.

Crush’n delicious.

The Anklebiters weren’t biting Math’s ankles, but their own nails, having just edged Eli and company 4-3 in Week 7.  They join the Gremmies with a 4-game win streak, and with Worky second at the team’s helm with 5 goals, things are swell for GM Schuie and his crew.

WTP will face a comfortable schedule the next four weeks, but should they win this week against a team with a very enviable record, they could confidently bulldoze through low- to mid-table teams into the summer. Zac H notching a haul last game possibly marks the watershed for Puck’s offensive onslaught that veteran Corey “Chongo” W would be proud. Additionally, Mike D’s relentlessness to play both sides of the ball may just be a contributing factor to Puck’s +7 goal differential.

Prediction: Because Tim—or as Jo-Ann P would say, “Timmay”—will be rolling on grass in the Emerald Isle for the upcoming matchup (and he promised to pick up a fife for me btw), Craig will have to sit between the pipes. If it’s another goalie, the result potentially ends the Anklebiters’ win streak. Puck leads in goal differential, but it’s chemistry that will take the day. Phil and Caroline will lead the charge, Alex D. and Probert will finish. But Emily M will be steadfast and help the team keep its shape, with Puck devotee Fatou surreptitiously emptying out Anklebiters’ water bottles and replacing them with Everclear. Alas, the Anklebiters will keep the streak alive, just, with a two-goal difference, including an empty-netter in the late stages of the game.

Tompkins Square Riots at Butchers

by Izzy

I’ll admit I haven’t watched enough of the Riots this year to form an opinion of them.  But I do know that their forwards and defense don’t seem to be on the same page.  Overheard a couple weeks ago was a critique from one of the blueliners that ‘goals are scored by shooting on net.’  I couldn’t agree more and issue a challenge to Suz, Drew, Frost and fellow Riots to pepper Tim B with lots of hot fire.

On the other hand, I have watched quite a bit of the Butchers this year and in the past couple of games they’ve returned to last year’s form.  At this point I don’t think there are many in the league that can keep up with Dave.  That dude can maintain perfect possession of the ball while operating at top speed.

Prediction: (Big-Bank) Vanek (aka VL) accepts the challenge and also manages to pace Dave.  Catching the Butchers in a trap game I see the Riots pulling off an upset, 3-2.

Denim Demons at Poutine Machine

by Izzy

This game has the potential to awaken the sleeping nasty that was the Demons old identity.  Zach, JR and the Rosen that plays defense might have learned to play with a smile, but they still don’t take crap from anyone.  And they’ll need to bring that mindset to the courts on Sunday.  Just make sure Ruebens communicates with his teammates instead of the refs.

Reading’s 16-17 kit was the inspiration behind Poutine’s new jerseys.

Pesky Poutine (who could be considered the new old Demons of the league) have developed a propensity for getting underneath the skin of the opposing team.  Their pre-game ritual of ingesting Viagra and Red Bull transform them into an uncontrollable raging force that most prefer to avoid.  However, AJ usually prefers to go straight to the Four Loko or whatever it is that turns him into an detestable ogre for an hour (light’n up, bro).

Prediction: league sweetheart, Christina, works her magic to distract Sefi and create turnovers, but Josh blushes for nobody and the Demons squeak by 4-3.

Rehabs at Mega Touch 

by Richiehero

OK OK…you’re thinking I’m going to post this meme.  And I am.

He means Cheeky.

But if we break it down, maybe there’s a chance for Mega?  After all, the Rehabs aren’t perfect.  When Amber gets pressured in the defensive zone, she often resorts to lofting the ball high in the air.  After 3-4 penalties, maybe the ref tells her to sit 2 minutes?  Welch is terrified of fences and Alex is very good at fore-checking, passing and shooting, but since the Rehabs never have the ball in their own zone, his back-checking skills are yet to be determined.

Meanwhile, Lops and Yuri will be there for Mega!!! LOPS AND YURI JERRY, LOPS AND YURI!!!!

Prediction: Look at it this way. If the Patriots beat the terrible Redskins 7-0 no one would think the Skins played all that poorly.  Seriously Mega, look at it that way. But if you do win the game, then $25 of beers on me.

By BTSH Media Writers

Denim Demons at Sky Fighters

Smile boo, it’s your birthday!

The Sky Fighters will be in a festive mood Sunday as they arrive to the courts from Olivier’s birthday brunch party.  Powered by carbs, protein and mimosas, the Fighters will be too numb and lethargic to notice the beating they’ll be taking.  Just kidding – mimosas don’t dull one’s senses they only enhance them.  Yeah, they’re going to feel this…

But don’t ask the Teytelbaum brothers to smile or partake in the festivities.  They don’t’ celebrate the birthdays – they create the birthdays.  Boom.

You can’t even finish saying the word Party without Jenn and Tracy’s ears perking up.  They’ve transformed the Demon’s culture over the past two seasons from dirty-chirpers to the new league fun-bunch.  Even the Rosen that plays defense (not saying the other doesn’t back-check) has bought into the new system.

Prediction: Both teams discover their scoring touch and Mia gets on the scoreboard late to send this one to overtime with Caroline scoring the OT winner.  6-5 Sky Fighters.

Fuzz at LBS, Inc.

Rich is hoping to play some Skeetball at Ace on Sunday to celebrate his birthday and a Mathematics win!

Watching Rich enjoy his birthday party (starting at 3 pm at ACE bar (shameless plug), even though Rich wont’ be attending until after 5:30 pm) is like watching Michael Scott on Free Soft Pretzel day at the Office.  He has little patience for lines, wants all the toppings, rocks out to his favorite high school song (Jive Talkin’ by the Bee Gees) and soon after needs to be put down for a nap.  With Eric R unable to ensure Rich gets home safe it will be up to Alexa and Ryann to roll him onto the LIRR.

If you’ve seen that movie before, then head on over to Manitoba’s to celebrate Ali’s birthday with LBS instead.  Luke will be accepting all challengers at a game of air hockey, Scott will be performing his latest solo act on stage and Klion and Roberts will be car-bombing all evening.

Prediction: Jeff doesn’t yell at Rich (too much) and the Fuzz find a way to help him avoid -2 with Hicks scoring on Richiepoothang’s last shift.  Fuzz get back on track, 5-2.

Gouging Anklebiters (OTL/L/W/W/W) at Mathematics (W/W/L/W/L), Tompkins West, 1630

Nearly 20 years of combined service in goaltending and still, Craig and Tim prove to hold their own (especially Craig with his liquor). They’re getting help from overall league-leading scorer Probert, whose drive to light goalies up isn’t declining at the moment. Both factors have given Honorary GM Schuie’s squad a beautiful upswing.

Likewise, Math has been holding its own, too; it’s even above the Anklebiters in the standings. With Rebecca spending her first full season after being overseas, Math hopes that her presence restores in full the Norri swagger and gameplay that we once saw before the team “got screwed” back in 2014. If Eli’s 112 physicality rating holds true, we’ll continue to see them sitting atop the division. Also, I’m hoping for them to wear the orange Mets tribute swatch, because I personally like it.

Prediction: Strong goaltending from both sides means that this will be a low-scoring thriller. Math has the 5 th –lowest GA, so it will take more than just a “Probing”! If none the Anklebiters can put more than one past Liang, I expect that Langer or Justin P., along with one from the Norris clan, can give Math the formula for two points.

Poutine Machine at Tompkins Square Riots 

It’s the game Walker can’t stop jerking off over. A 4th division team beat a first division team. Of course I’m referring to when Poutine stunned the BTSH world and beat the Lbs. Well I wasn’t stunned by any game last week because unlike JW, I realize Gut Rot was .500 in 2015, had no goalie in 2016, and now that they have a goalie, are good again. As for Poutine, it’s a travesty they are in the lowest division. They are too good and I can’t wait to join them in 2022 and win another championship with Jerome.

But let’s focus on this Sunday. Hey did you hear, it’s (Brian Sullivan Alert) Brian Sullivan’s birthday week! Make sure you go to Ace and not Double Wide or Hi-Fi for a week. For Poutine, Natalie O’ is helping *piggyback* the offense along with Teddy, who scored a huge goal from the blue line vs. the Lbs. Scotty has only given up 14 goals in 6 games, and has been a key figure in why Poutine is in first place in the former Greene Division.

As for the Riots, Dave will give up 7 goals and play terribly. Jennifer is the best girl in the league that nobody knows. (I think its Jennifer, though maybe it’s someone else? Anyway they have one girl who is just as good as many of the top girls who everyone knows. I mean not Cherie/Sena/Sara level, but up there) Scott, Jaclyn, Spencer, some dude or dudette named BR makes Dave’s life easier, yet he still gives up 8 goals a game on average.

Prediction: Now I get that Dave really doesn’t give up that many goals, but I like when he gets pissed off on Facebook so I’m going to go with 9-1 Poutine. Nice goal BR! If I wasn’t trying to piss off Dave I’d say 3-2 Poutine and Dave plays well as usual. But 9-1 is ….nah 10-1 is more fun. Charlotte gets a secondary assist on one of BSA’s 4 birthday goals.

Other Prediction: I beat Boylan, Julie (as always), Suz and one of the Herr sisters…probably Cheeky in Skee*T*Ball. Boylan suffers unimaginably consequences for losing. Julie retires never to play again. Sena beats me but the game isn’t sanctioned so it doesn’t count. Come to ACE!!!!!!

Hockey Night in Tompkins (National Telecast)

Mega Touch (L/L/L/L/L) at Cobra Kai (L/W/W/W/L), Tompkins West, 1730

It seems we’ve reached the end of the world as we know it: the Cubs winning the World Series last year, the Red Wings failing to make this year’s Stanley Cup playoffs, the Patriots winning consecutive Super Bowls, and in the NYC street hockey circuit, Gut Rot having a winning record (not that the last one is a bad thing).

Yuri’s been feeling it lately, but can he solve CK’s Campbell?

But Mega Touch being winless thus far is something that leaves us BTSH media people aghast because it’s quite uncharacteristic. The mindset should be that this matchup with Cobra Kai is winnable if the leadership of Julie, Alex, and Alok rightly steers the crew to strike opportunistically. Plus, if Alex’s socks are bright enough, the path to victory may already be paved.

The Dojo has had a season under the radar, and maybe that’s the way they like it. Without warning they’ll sweep the leg and “strike first, strike hard, [and] show no mercy”. Perhaps last week’s loss against the Anklebiters can be written off, but conceding the game this week to Mega Touch’s poor form would be a disappointment. That’s why scoring first and early while demonstrating high levels of tenacity may ruin the opposition’s momentum.

Expect Will, Liam, Rachel, and Lauren to provide a high tempo at the outset, with Campbell Weaver holding strong between the pipes for The Dojo. Alex and Julie have been the primary scorers for Mega Touch, but finding secondary scoring is imperative for success, meaning players like 2015 BTSH All-Star (and very recently, FB comment all-star) Brady are needed for that extra push, which the jort-wearing bunch is looking for.

Prediction: At the end of the day, Cobra Kai might take the game after regulation. Whatever the result, we hope that both teams bring enough girls for Glanzer’s “birthday party”.

By BTSH Media Writers

Butchers (L/W/L/L/W) at Rehabs (W/L/W/W/W), Tompkins East, 1300

Burke’s got his work cut our for him in this game.

Don’t let the last five games for the Butchers fool you. Two of their three losses came from teams in the better conference (go ahead and roll your eyes), and no loss was a blowout. The Rehabs, conversely, have been cruising through six weeks without a serious hiccup, with their only loss to Bob “Olmec” Weyersberg’s old team, Fresh Kills, who still haven’t faced a regulation loss. Just goes to show how strong the top teams really fare out this season.

With the top female scorer (Cherie “Go Ducks!” Stewart) as well as the #4 top male scorer to date (Joey “Fodas-se Benfica” Batista), the Rehabs are likely to seize the day.  Awaken the beast in David St. Jules—watch this guy in scrimmage, by the way—and the Butchers will give the rossonero a hard time.

Prediction: Rehabs grapple with the meat cleavers, but will find themselves victorious within 50. It will be a dogfight, but not to Mr. Vick’s palate.

Gut Rot (W/W/L/L/W) at Corlears Hookers (L/W/W/L/W), Tompkins West, 1300

Don’t peel your eyes off this beauty of a matchup; that is, if you weren’t going on a bender the night before and miraculously show up just to watch a 1pm game. It’s Ellery versus Cro—a duel for the ages. What’s absolute: Ellery will have his shirt off long before regulation (because the O’s are still 0.5 games behind the Yankees); Cro will have yet ordered his 958^th cherished red hat during the halftime break (because New Yorkers are in love with Chinese fashion /s).

Hockey has been interesting for both sides this season. The royal purple a-la- Los-Angeles- Kings squad acquired much talent (namely, Dark Rainbows imports) and has been flourishing thus far. The other franchise in green/black/I don’t know continues to make historical leaps and bounds in the last weeks, securing a crowd-infused win against Fuzz (in their throwback 2012 Elves regalia, sleeved and unsleeved) in Week 6.

Although it’s my job to write a prediction, I’m crestfallen to realistically choose the Hookers to win. Bill L will probably notch a brace and Kamen will put the nail in the coffin.  Longwell will contend to post a shutout, but the persistence of Jeff “Peaches” Hendricks, Tommy, and Becca could put them on the board. Let’s hope so.

Prediction: As he’s reading this, Peaches will surely flip me the bird for not choosing his side, but trust me… my heart—like the rest of the league—cheers for Gut Rot to continue pulling upsets this year.

What The Puck at Dark Rainbows 

Emily and the Pucks have a lot to smile about this season.

Bright orange and dayglo pink. Stare too long at this game and the two colors are going to start swirling together as you enter a hypnotic trance. You won’t know if you’re watching WTP v. Rainbows or the “Groove Is In The Heart” music video.

I was going to talk about the addition of Claire to WTP this season, but then I’d have to bring up the Caps’ heartbreaking loss and how the Pucks are still depressed about it. Well, I guess I already did. And, depressed they are. I recently saw Holden McNeil and he told me that Justin has been walking around like a morose motherfucker whose cereal has been shit in (please someone get this reference). Dudolevitch quit his band because he felt like their show jinxed the Caps.

I don’t want to say that WTP are kind of a mess right now, but, again…..I guess I already did.

Will the Rainbows take advantage of WTP being down in the dumps? They themselves are coming off a rough loss to the mighty Fresh Kills, and additionally they are still looking for their first win. I can never remember if Tia is actually going to be there on a given week, but if she is, and she, Josh, and new Rainbow Paul go on the attack, it could spell trouble for the bright orange portion of the swirling vortex.

Prediction: Emily cheers her team up enough to win, and the Rainbows are left searching for that elusive first W. 4-2, Pucks. (Susie or Liz score in this game. I won’t say which one of them.)

Filthier at Fresh Kills

Cupcakes are muffins that believed in miracles.  This Sunday Ann, Tim, Kate and the rest of Filty could be that cupcake.  Stick together, communicate, don’t get caught out of position and get the ball to Suvin.  That dude can cut through a defense like he’s peeling the skin off of tangerine.

Well, perhaps not against Gabe when he’s out on defense.  Soko’s surprise move this season to put his superstar player on D raised more than just a couple eyebrows.  But the doubters have been quieted as everyone on Fresh Kills, even Natasha, has been rowing in the same direction.

Prediction: Filthy will have to wait for another Sunday to collect their first division win of the season.  Ariel does work and the Kills moonwalk to 5-2.

Gremlins at Instant Karma 

Fuck you Jamie.

Back in 2010, one of Adriano’s first big moves was to integrate the teams for a week.  So it would have been What the Elves vs. the Happy Little Puck.  God thankfully intervened and Adzo scrapped the idea after every player in the league besides Walker hated it.  (Think Seinfeld name tags.)

This game reminds me of that terrible idea.  These two teams are the most friendliest of friends.  Sure, Mark is going to complain to the refs about something, but for the most part there will be laughs, pats on the back and an amazing time had by all.  It’s the Spirit of BTSH. And just writing this paragraph makes me puke and want to send Diana Marko through a fence.

Prediction: The Gremlins are littered all over the scoring list. Erich is 2nd in the league, Cody just got his (I’m assuming) first career BTSH hat trick, Maire is in there for the women and Jamie is having an ok season with a 1.83 goals against average. Personally, I think you need to be 1.82 or better to be considered good, but whatever.

For Karma….Brianna is on the scoring list because she scored twice in one game.

Crickets.

OK, so maybe they aren’t as prolific as the Gremlins but Pete, Al and Bill are so old and have been in the league so long, Gil calls them, “sir.” So maybe they won’t score that many goals, but they probably are good positionally or something??  But not good enough as Grems take this 4-2. The league takes solace in the fact that Jamie adds to his already horrendous GAA.

We’re back, BTSH!  Thanks to The Chairman’s brilliant idea of investing in the nearest liquor store to Sean Spicer’s house we have more than enough funds to get the media machine rolling again.  And to reward you loyal readers how about some official Week 6 Preview, baby!

By BTSH Media Writers

We missed this.

Tompkins Square Riots at Filthier

This is a tough matchup for the Riots who are coming off of that amazing 17 round shootout last week (nice work, Dave GDR!).  Hopefully Laura, Frost and the gang have got enough left in tank to keep pace with one of the fastest teams in the league.  As long as their back-checking specialist shows up they should be alright.

Filthier hasn’t been lighting the lamp this season with the ease of previous ones.  Forcing them to play more of the defensive minded game – something they are unfamiliar with.  But we’ve got a feeling the get the offense back on track in this game and greatly improve their Goals For differential.

Prediction: James doesn’t complete a hat trick because Ann is caught in the crease (again), but Filthy ends up winning 5-0.

Mathematics at Gremlins 

Keeping it BTSH real.

It is oddly suspicious how these two teams that aren’t even the same division end up playing each other each year.  Wonder how the schedule makers could let that happen?

The Gremlins are probably the most unassuming team in all of BTSH.  At first glance they look like a rag-tag team that showed up for the schitz’n giggles and decided to play some street hockey.  But by the middle of the second half they’ve frustrated the schitz out of you and built a comfortable two goal lead.

Math on the other hand baits you into believing you’ve got a chance and then snatches it away like a sensei does a pebble from a pupil.  (Cue Sarah pointing and laughing at <insert team name here>.)  Unfazed by the roster turnover they’ve gone through over the past two years, they just keep on finding ways to win.  Kudos to them.

Prediction: a Norris always seem to find the back of net against the Jamie and Math will find a way to remain undefeated against the Gremmies.  Math 4-3.

Cobra Kai (W/L/W/W/W) vs. Gouging Anklebiters (L/OTL/L/W/W)

With the Anklebiters back on the bounce—thanks to former commissioner Tim ‘Baby’ Brown shadowing what Marc-Andre “McFlurry” Fleury is doing with the Penguins in the postseason, whatever that is—the crew in navy blue will have a good struggle on their hands against the in-form Dojo, whose offensive trident of Will G, L Martens, and Rachel Longlie is, for the moment, unflappable.

Prediction: CK will take the win after regulation, a slugfest of goals for at least 50 minutes.

Butchers (L/L/W/L/L) vs. Mega Touch (L/L/L/L/L)

Both the Butchers and Mega Touch have faced strong competition in the first five matches, but only Georgine’s team emerged victorious at least once so far. If the strike tandem of Pete D’A and David St. Jules appear for this match, it could be easy to close out their jort-wearing rivals. Don’t discount the tenacity of Alex EM and J-Katz, as their hustle and counterattack are resilient.

Prediction: Butchers will likely get the W, but expect much resistance from MT in the game’s entirety.

Fuzz at Gut Rot 

Ok, I am just going to come out and say it: In years past, this would have been a massacre. Fuzz are a well-oiled goal scoring machine (they currently lead the league with 20), and Gut Rot are the absolute BEST, but……not at hockey.

‘Having said that…’

As shown here, Alyssa’s smile isn’t really visible through her cage. But, rest assured, she is smiling.

What the Puck? (W/L/W/W/OTL) vs. Rehabs (W/W/SO/W/W)

Both teams are serious in the gegenpresse, playing defense in all areas of the court. Regardless of the amount of forechecking and backchecking, the refs might call a lot for stick-checking. Aside from the Richiepoothang checking incident on Bryan W (Worldstar!) a long time ago, I’m pretty sure there won’t be actual checking from or to a Rehabs player for this matchup, or any other matchup for that matter. A stalwart Rehabs roster will encounter some new faces on WTP (like that rookie Zac), which just may be the dark horse candidate for this year’s postseason. Obviously writing this too early.

Prediction: WTP will start strong at the gate, but the Rehabs will snatch momentum in the second half to win in regulation.

Sky Fighters at Corlears Hookers

Aaron: ‘Man, look at the butt on that.’
Cro: ‘Yeah, he must work out.’

This is like a celebrity Apprentice episode, where two former A-listers are now battling it out for pennies. The Hookers are far removed from their perch as the league’s best franchise. Now most of the fun is when Sara orders around Noelle telling her to go from defense to offense because Sara is tired and  Noelle’s dreams and desires mean nothing.

Meanwhile the Sky Fighters are like Drago. Their emotionless defensemen, Olivier, Greg, Kuci, just dump the ball as soon as they touch it so neither team can create any offense. Every single game ends in a 3-2 score. You just don’t know if a scrub will add to Mike’s two goals and they win, or no scrub scores and they lose. (Cue Olivier cursing me out but it’s in French  so I don’t understand it anyways. Jo-Ann nods in agreement.)

Prediction: CJ and Jeff score for the Hookers, Stefan scores a rare goal for the Sky Fighters. Of course Mike scores 2 and Erich Graham weeps as Mike takes over the scoring lead and never relinquishes it. Sky 3-2.

Denim Demons at Instant Karma 

I was surprised to learn that Anshu joined the Demons this season. I mean, she is just so nice. (Sorry, Demons). Adding her upped their niceness factor by like a million. Between Anshu, Tracy, and Sara K., they’re really carrying this team in the niceness department. (Sorry, every single other Demon besides those 3, including the many new ones whom I don’t even know.)

I am leaning toward…..yes?

Just look at that smile. Also: check out her rad Tosche Station t-shirt!

Karma is extremely high on the niceness scale (except for Isaac), but they are also struggling a bit this season. They dropped their first 3 games, causing Chadwick to consider immediate retirement. However, they are riding high after winning their last 2, causing Chadwick to decide to stay and continue not scoring any goals, woohoo!

Not nice.

However, what this team may be lacking this season on the hockey rink, they more than make up for on the intelligence……..rink.  Unfortunately for them, this is not the Scripps National Spelling Bee.

Prediction: Karma wins this one in the niceness department, but they get shellacked on the rink. 5-2, for the New Demons. (Karma goals by Nicole and Bill. Demons goals by several people I don’t even know.)

Dark Rainbows (L/L/L/L/SO) vs. Fresh Kills (W/W/W/W/W)

Reminiscing what happened when Coach Bombay and Team USA first encountered Gunnar Stahl and Team Iceland in the Junior Goodwill Games, I feel the same will likely happen here. But maybe Cro will be so enamored in his new wine-flavored whistle that most of the errant blows he’ll make will likely fall against the undefeated blue crew, and the fluorescent fuschians will capitalize on them. Agree or nah?

Prediction: 12-1 to Team Iceland.

LBS, Inc. at Poutine Machine

Hey, LBS, you ready to go?

Facing off against Poutine this season has been like f*cking a gorilla.  You go until the gorilla stops.

Luckily for LBS they’ve got the stamina to last 50+ minutes with those uglies.

Charlotte and Boylan might get all the attention (for obvious reasons), but don’t sleep on the savvy veteran, Ali, or Poutine’s rookie Hilary (aka Larry). Both of them have been just as instrumental to their team’s play this season and could be difference in this bout.

The other game within the game that all the talking heads can’t stop jabbering about is LBS’s fast wheel’n Scott against Poutine’s other rookie Peltsie. Both can move the ball and are accustomed to finding the back of the net, but what do they have to offer on defense?

Prediction: Jerome earns a brace, but LBS gets another W, 4-2.

For any updates or corrections, please reach out to derek@btsh.org.