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That’s it.  I give up.  I concede.  The ladies of BTSH truly run this world.  And here’s their (superior) version of the Week 18 Previews – Part 1.

by a fine looking collection of  Anonymous Lovely Ladies

Gremlins at Cobra Kai

Gremlins superstar scorer, Maire L., returned from her vacation abroad and is hungry to regain the league lead. Maire nets a pair with assists from Allison B. and Caitlin E.. The Rachels (N., L. and I.) of Cobra Kai try the triangle rotation and manage to wrist a few shots on net. Cobra Kai keeps hunting for an opening and a surprise appearance by Dani R. in the second half allows them to re-strategize. But Dr. Cathy Cho holds it down for the Gremlins D and stops all of the Dojo’s Rachels from scoring.

Gremlins 2-0

Butchers at Mega Touch

Get ready for this classic showdown between Rachel G. and Julie K.. Many Butcher ladies are feeling renewed after a visit to Martha’s Vineyard. Both Rachel and Drake H. are looking to make it three goals for this season and accomplish that in this game. Mega Touch has been ruling the HiFi division as Captain Julie competed hard during the recruitment season and finally signed Cheeky H. But, has anyone seen Gunner K.? Mega takes the cake this time with shots of Tito on the side.

Mega wins this close one – 3-2

Riots at Rainbows

Feeling fresh from the championship game in Ocean City, Cat B. gets the Rainbows on the scoreboard early. Despite the early goal, Captain Jones and the Riots keep the game tight as Jen A. moves ball up the sidelines and gets one in for the Riots right before halftime. Rainbows Captain Abby M. creates a solid regrouping plan during halftime and they don’t look back as they score 4 more before the last whistle.

Also, get well soon, Suz P.!

Rainbows 5-1

Anklebiters at Fuzz

It’s 5 o’clock somewhere and the ‘biters are enjoying bloody marys on the sideline courtesy of Diana M. to keep them going on the court. The drinks are in full force as Caroline B. tips in a goal to begin the game. Fuzz keeps the game tight the entire time with Alyssa M. and Alexa T. finding the back of the net quickly after the ‘biters each time. An appearance by Luisa M. sends this game into OT. With the BTSH heckle wall going strong now due to the mid-day game, Fuzz has a turnover to Amy D. and she puts it away.

Anklebiters 4-3 (OT)

Poutine at Gut Rot

Following the spirit of the BTSH Olympics, Gut Rot challenges Poutine to a chugging contest at the start of the game, then quickly put themselves on the scoreboard as Morgan S. pots one while waiting for Poutine to finish the beer. However, Captain Jo-Ann P., quickly has Poutine rally by making Charlotte M. shotgun a tallboy before rifling one in from a sideline inbound.  In the end Poutine gets it done, but GUT ROT BITCHEZZZZ.

Poutine 3-1

And here’s my adequate take on this week’s games…

Gremlins at Cobra Kai

My beloved Gremmies need to win their next two games in order to not repeat 2014 and move down to the Hi-Fi Division.  Not that there is anything wrong with Hi-Fi (well, the Division at least), it is just that I enjoy playing against them twice a year.  Hey, Mills, when’s that dude coming back that busted his foot in May?  You guys could use a little more offensive production and any signs of life from Alex (maybe another bee will get him going).

The Evil Dojo has been on fire lately.  Producing 13 goals in their last two games (yep, you read that correctly).  And it wasn’t just from luck.  With Liam switching to defense he’s been gobbling up all cross court passes in his zone.

Prediction: Not even Jamie will be able to keep a Rachel off the score sheet or CK out of the W column, 4-2.

Butchers at Mega Touch

We’re a little concerned for the Mega Touch down the stretch this season.  With the NFL kicking off the 2016 season on Sunday (yes, we know there’s a Thursday night game, but who cares) Alok and Julie are more interested in their Fantasy Football teams than their BTSH one.

Do the Butchers like American football?  Might as well, they won the Johnsons Division about a month ago and have been looking a hobby to keep them occupied until the playoffs begin.

Prediction: Butchers distract Mega on court with NFL storylines and win 7-1.

Tompkins Square Riots at Dark Rainbows

We’d like to take this opportunity to pour a little out for Suz-P.  On Sunday, August 21^st she was viciously attacked by a sub off of the Free Agent list which resulted in a trip to ER.  Get well soon, baby.  The Riots and BTSH already miss you.

If the Norri ever get around to producing a BTSH reality web series they need to cast Cat from the Rainbows.  The side conversations with her at the BTSH Olympics were pure gold.  And if you were to tell me she registered herself as a team at the Ocean City tournament and faced teams 1 on 5, I’d believe it.

Prediction: The Riots overcome the loss of a great teammate and narrowly escape their encounter with the Rainbows 2-1.

Gouging Anklebiters at Fuzz

Dear Biters,

Would you kindly shut the Fuzz up?  No really, their Facebook participation has surpassed the threshold of Outrageously Obnoxious.  From Wrestling references and memes to how many championships they’ve apparently already won (or are going to win – I’m confused), it has hit a tipping point.  We will kindly pay Tuesday for a victory today.

Sincerely,

The Greater BTSH Community

Prediction: Still hung over from OC, the Biters fizzle against the Fuzz and fall 5-2.

Poutine Machine at Gut Rot

The (Drunk) Machine is locked in and focused on leapfrogging Mega Touch in their Division and taking home the title.  After featuring not one, but TWO contestants in the Hot Legs Olympic event and following it up by tearing up / pounding out OC – they are absolutely just full of themselves.  Supposedly they are just better, or so we’ve all heard.

Having said that, the 3 pm slot hasn’t been kind to Poutine this year and Gut Rot is a team that is due for another win before the season is over.  Heather, Morgen and Perko are ready to silence that rowdy bunch and do some celebrating of their own.

Prediction: Jesus takes the wheel and steers Gut Rot to their second victory of the season, 5-4.

With Isaac out of town, I’ve hit some desperate times looking for writers. This week, I’ve leaned on my trusty championship trivia team to help me out. Common Law Cuckolds, welcome to the BTSH media team (except for those of you who’ve been here for a while).

 

Corlears Hookers at Filthier

Written by budding media star, Tia Lendo

Filthier versus the Hookers. Who will win? More importantly, who cares? Just kidding. We’re all a little bit intimidated by the talent stacked on both teams. That makes this game particularly difficult to call. To make a prediction, I decided to turn to a proven methodology. I imagined which fictional characters best represent our opponents, and picked my winner based on that.

LBS, Inc. at Poutine Machine

Written by secret trivia superstar, Jamie Batuwantudawe

I ran into Jake from the LBS on the street the other day. I don’t think we’ve ever spoken at the courts, but he beamed a smile at me and chatted for a bit. He’s a great guy and an awesome hockey player. I have a gut feeling he pots a few this week.

In years past, Poutine haven’t always been the most fun team to play against. But this year, they seem way more laid back, with a really positive attitude. Big kudos to Joanne and Bryan for pushing a new team culture. I guess there’s hope that all BTSH teams can change.

I think Poutine will have to be happy with their effort in a loss this week though. Prediction: LBS 3, Poutine 0.

 

Sky Fighters at Fresh Kills

We called in our retired ringer from the West Coast for this one. Here’s what Hopper had to say:

Yeah right, like I got time for previews. Know how many meetings I got this week??? One, I think. But it’s west of La Brea. Might as well be on the damn MOON, amiright? Anyway gotta run, conf call w/ 3Arts at 11 and the service here in Ojai is B-A-D. Like, Gods of Egypt opening weekend bad.

Sent Poolside while asleep with a huge physical copy of Variety draped over my face

 

Instant Karma vs. Cobra Kai: Or, Too Many Petes

by Chadwick Jørgenflüdler

Ahh, the inaugural Karma/Kai Klassic! Uh oh, KKK? That’s not good. Anyway, were two teams ever more evenly matched? Probably! But Cory, Hugh, Bill, Brianna, and Nicole have their approximate counterparts in Liam, Pete G., Paul, Seb, Rachel 1, and Rachel 2. And the rest of the team probably matches up with someone too, especially if I make no effort at being specific, except Karma doesn’t have a doppelganger for Altman, but hey, he’s probably in Mexico anyway.

The secret to a Cobra Kai victory this week is to notice that Chadwick isn’t there to take up half the court. The secret to a Karma victory is to realize that Karma’s Pete W. has nearly an equal reach and actually scores goals, too, so missing Chadwick is actually a good thing. Actually, there are lots of secrets to a Karma victory. And I’d name them all here if I wasn’t also a Karma Kaptain. See, I did learn something from Richard “let’s tell everyone our strategy” Glanzer!

Why was I assigned this preview, anyway? It makes no sense! Ughhh… I’ll just fill up this nonsense with our team’s official anthem, O Karma-da:

O, Karma-da
Meow meow meow meow meow meoooow
Our team’s got the commissioner
So you better be nice and not piss off her

We sometimes win at hockey
and Chadwick is Chewbaccy
and Al grasps complex numbers
and Isaac serves cucumbers

And if you say “baloney!”
Tell it to Mike Maloney
Cause he’s got saves and you ain’t got none
He catching shots like as if they was a Pokemon

So, all hail Instant Karma-da
Wiser than the Spanish Armada
More boozed than Sierra Nevada
We’re like one big tasty enchilada
in the home of MTV
and the land of, uh, MTV

…well, it’s a work in progress. The point I’m trying to make is Karma 4, Cobra Kai 2.

Gut Rot at Mathematics

Written by internet sensation: Justin Perras

 

With the triumphant return of Rebecca “Becky/Becca” Norris, Math is Mama Norris’s head away from the full Norris Voltron. Lady Norris has brought Talented James with her — not Math’s talented James from last season but another James because apparently Math’s supply of quality Jameses is infinite.

 

What can you say about Gut Rot that they haven’t said themselves a thousand times always ending with “bitches?” I’m starting to think they need to find a way to move the games off the courts and into the bar where they’d be undefeated. Ellery should show up for the game and be a one man player/heckle wall.

 

I dunno…Math by a lot probably? Amy scores a goal when I’m not there for the third straight year.

 

 

Fuzz at Rehabs

Written by Fuzz’s Senior Media Consultant/Advocate: Rob Walsh

In one of the premier matches of the week, the Rehabs will take on Fuzz, the most hated team in the league in a battle for first place.  I mean let’s face it – there is so much to hate about Fuzz.  Let’s examine the case.  They added some players in the offseason just like every other team has done.  They always use the free agent list each week when short and never borrow any other team’s players.  Let’s also count how many players they have cut over the past season.  Oh right – none.  And as the winners of the Newman sweepstakes they have used Newman twice in the pipes and he has lead them to two victories including his first shutout.  How many times has Fuzz gotten written up this season?  Right again – none.  Ok – enough about the legit reasons to hate Fuzz.  It is very clear why Fuzz is only slightly less hated than Donald Trump.  No offense Brian Cronauer.

Meanwhile does anyone even know the mercenaries on the Rehabs?  I mean besides Joey B and Amber of course?

So onto the matchup –  which really has it all……the top two teams in the league based on points…….the two teams with the largest goal differential………the league’s best offense (Fuzz) against the league’s best defense (Rehabs).

If you judge by the Super Bowl result this past season, strong defense stops strong offense.  But will that be the case this Sunday?  Will Evil triumph over Evil?  For sure it will.  

Fuzz squeaks past the Rehabs 3-2 to sweep the season series and proving that offense beats defense especially if you manage to score more than the other team.

Special shout out to Alexa “The Architect” Taubman who will be celebrating her birthday on Sunday and will be scoring the winning goal!

 

Gremlins at Tompkins Square Riots

So eagerly written by JW Talker, as penance for being himself.

 

The Grems are coming off a big OT win last week, while the Riots fell to the Machine.
This game has a lot more questions than answers. Some of which are:

– Will Sharif get to exhibit his world-renowned goal celebration?

– Will Amy Jones return from injury to lead her team to victory?

– Will Ryan and Maire be back from Europe for this game? (No, seriously, I can’t remember. I should probably make sure we have enough players.)

– Will JW’s new free agents make the impact they made last game? (This is actually just a plug for teams to ACTUALLY USE THE FREE AGENT LIST.)

– Will MacNeil yell about something at some point? (I think we all know the answer to this one, actually.)

– Will the 1-2 offensive punch of Joe and Drew be too much for the Gremlins?

– Will Busch still wear jeans to play, even in this heat?

– Will it cool off enough for Dave to shine in net for the Riots?

– Something something, heat.  Something something, humidity.

 

Game prediction: MacNeil ends up yelling a ton, about various things, but it isn’t enough to throw off the Grems’ rhythm. They bag this one, 4-3 in regulation.

 

 

 

Mega Touch at Dark Rainbows

Co-written by this week’s frenemies: Tia Lendo and a guy(A. Ghai) from Mega

 

Alok: Despite many tough losses, you all have played really well this season, so this is a tough one to call.

Tia: I agree. And Mega has played well despite the Ws and Ls, too. You’re a hard-working team, and have really only struggled when you’ve had a short bench.

Alok: You Rainbows have been in every game you’ve had this season, regardless of the opponent of your division. It was a tough loss to Fuzz last week 3-0, but you all kept it to 0-0 and 1-0 for most of the game.

Tia:  Thanks. It was a rough one against the Rehabs this weekend, but you all played so well against the Gremlins and Hookers recently…watching Cheeky score twice was amazing.  What a rookie!

Alok: And you all are just so nice. You’re the kind of team people want to have a drink with.

Tia: And so are you. Mega is a team to have a drink with… or maybe some dessert, since many on your team have a sweet tooth.

Alok: Yeah, maybe we can all go for ice cream or cupcakes together after the game this Sunday.

Tia: But this Sunday is the BTSH Olympics, so we really should go to that.

Alok:  Oh, yes. I almost forgot. Let’s show our support and bring our positive energy and sportsmanship to the bar for the Olympics.

Tia: I don’t want to compete with you all though. Let’s form one team for the Olympics: Mega Rainbows. We’ll be like post-unification Germany.

Alok: Sounds good. I have to bring us back to the question at hand, though. We really do need to make a prediction for the BTSH game we have this Sunday.

Tia: I want both of our teams to win. So let’s just call it a tie.

Alok: I agree. I know it’s not technically possible for a BTSH game to end in a tie, but let’s pretend it is.

Prediction: Mega Touch tie Dark Rainbows in a once-in-a-generation BTSH event.

 

Butchers at What The Puck

Written by internet sensation: Justin Perras

 

A few years ago I lost an NCAA basketball pool by one point to a guy who never watched sports but did all his picks based on things like mascots and jerseys. Without further ado…

The Butchers have the coolest shirts in the league. They’re timeless and kinda scary.

WTP has Camden, the cutest dog in the league. But they also wear orange which is the color of the sun and I think we can all agree this August that the sun can go fuck itself backwards.

Butchers win a surprisingly tight one, 4-2 with a late empty netter.

Denim Demons at Gouging Anklebiters

I hope you all enjoyed reading contributions by all these awesome new writers, but for this one, you are stuck with good ol’ me.

 

Little known fact, Craig LaCombe’s first team in BTSH was the Demons. Will this impact the game at all? No. Especially if it’s over 90 degrees and Craig stages another Union strike. For a kid raised in motor city, he sure does suck at labor organization.

But the Demons seem to be doing just fine without Craig, or any of the fuzz-defectors. Adam seems to have an unending supply of hockey talent. They are steam-rolling along this season, proving they earned that spot EVT Division(sorry, Double-Wide didn’t make the list).

Keys to the game for the ‘Biters: Figure out who Zach Fein is and cover him.

Keys to the game for the Demons: Invite the ‘Biters for pre-game drinks, then hand Caroline a bottle of vodka/champagne/whatever.

 

Gut Rot at Cobra Kai

Last week Liam took the Riots over his knee in the second half and now it is the Rachels turn to go H.A.M.  (Did anyone find his yellow shortis t-shirt that was accidentally left at the courts?)  But Rob and Gut Rot still have a lot of farts left in them.  They’re shaping up to be that team nobody wants to face in the playoff play-in game.

THIS JUST IN: Vegas has Gut Rot as the early favorites heading into BTSH Olympics (stay tuned for more).

Prediction: All the Rachels are winners and so is Cobra Kai by 5.

Butchers at Gremlins

Written by JW

The Butchers and the Gremlins tend to trade wins back and forth each time they play. As perennial divisional rivals, these two teams have always been pretty evenly matched. That is, until this season. Some heavy artillery acquired by the Butchers in the offseason + the Gremlins struggles this season = not the matchup this used to be. The Butchers are currently tied for 2nd place in the whole league while the Grems are 2nd to last. Earlier this season the Butchers routed the Grems 6-0 in a game that was even more dominant than the scoreboard showed. The Gremlins will have to pull out all the stops if they want a chance of winning this one.

Game prediction: Tied at 3-3 with 1 minute left in regulation Rachel and JW start bickering about some inane thing on the rink while play is still going on. Jamie starts cracking up laughing at their lame argument, which causes Arthur to easily be able to score from the point.

Butchers win, 4-3.  That’s a big minus, J Dubs.

What The Puck at Gouging Anklebiters

The Pucks and Biters could potentially face each other again as soon as next Sunday in BTSH Olympics Final event.  Both feature some of the most high functioning sauce consumers the league has ever known.  And also have the stamina to sustain extra rounds on or off the courts.

Prediction: Jaime D’s performance last week was no fluke and the Pucks pull of an upset 4-3.

Tompkins Square Riots at Poutine Machine

Question: ‘If you could fight anyone, dead or alive, who would it be?’

Answer: ‘Abe Lincoln.  Skinny dudes fight till they’re burger.’

At no point during a contest against either one of these teams can you relax your game.

No matter how hard you fight against the Riots they just keep getting up and coming back at you.  They are the Jason Voorhees of BTSH.  Run and ride all you like, but Suz and Drew are right behind you.

If there was a fitbit algorithm to calculate how much Jo-jo runs her mouth during a game she’d have earned the Explorer to Pluto badge by now.  But we’re not here to talk about that.  We’re here to highlight the thought and effort Poutine puts into each game.  Regardless of the score or time remaining in the match Steve and Natalie always keep them believing that they’ve got a chance.

Prediction: Christina gets on the score sheet and Poutine evens the season series 3-1.

Filthier at Sky Fighters

When last these two squared off the website was down, it was June and there was hope that cock would be made great again.  So much has changed since then…

The Sky Fighters are fresh off of 4-goal game from Mike (currently leading the league in scoring and scowls) and are out to prove that they belong in the East Village Tavern division.  However if they want to do that others better start scoring.  And if they would like to stay out of the BTSH doghouse they need to start using the FA list to find a goalie. (Tim Burke and Jamie in the same game?  Who approved that?!  For shame.)

Filthier doesn’t have that problem.  They are oozing with talent, multiple lethal line combinations and a guy that just won’t get the f*ck up out of this country already.

Prediction: Scoops and Mia score for the Fighters, but Jess gets a hat trick.  Filthy 6-2.

Dark Rainbows at Fuzz

This one screams TRAP GAME for the Fuzz. With second place in their division all but locked up there’s not a whole lot to play for. (Well, maybe playoff seeding, but everyone’s playing for that.)

The Rainbows however do have a lot to play for. They are holding onto second place in the Hi-Fi diviosn by only 1 point and every game is a playoff game from here on out for them.

Prediction: Bill gets under Walsh’s skin and leads to an ejection, throwing the Fuzz out of rhythm and into the L column. Rainbows by 1 in regulation.

Instant Karma at Denim Demons

Good vs. Evil. Hi-Fi vs. Double Wide. The age old battle that all Hollywood movies are founded upon.

Too bad this weekend is a Jewish holiday, keeping most of the Demons at home or temple or cave. So Popack and Rubens lets make a deal: we’ll say Karma won 1-0 with the loan goal being scored by Zach in his own net. Sounds good? Sweet!

Prediction: Good triumphs over Evil by 1 and the league continues to use Hi-Fi for one more week until…

Fresh Kills at Mathematics

Repeat of last season’s warm up for the playoffs. And this year is another perfect opportunity for both teams to gauge where they are now before heading down the stretch.

It would do Fresh Kills some good to rediscover that killer instinct that has made them so feared over the past six years. Without it the rest of the league will be licking the chops at a chance for payback.

Math has found their groove over the past month and the return of Eli should continue to provide an additional spark. It just doesn’t feel like Math without the ambiguously straight duo out there doing work together.

Prediction: Sarah and Steph carry over their heroics from last week and net 2 apiece for a Math win by 2.

LBS, Inc. at Corlears Hookers

Jackie and her Hookers welcome their old divisional nemesis, the LBS, and couldn’t be catching them at a better time. The LBS have been stuck in a rut since being named first in the mid-season power rankings. They’ve fallen behind early in each contest due to lack of urgency and communication on defense. If they don’t regain their early season mojo it’ll be a purple parade.

Prediction: Timmy ‘Baby’ Brown, Luke and the LBS get back on track 4-1.

Mega Touch at Rehabs

Last year’s surprise team against this year’s ABOUT F*CKING TIME team.  Mega Touch is the epitome of what makes BTSH the best f*cking league in America. And we’re pulling for them to win the PBR Cup this year (assuming the Butchers, Karma, Fuzz and Anklebiters are already out of the running).

Plus Cheekbones owes Alex EM more than a beer after using the photo of him caught in the moment of needing to make the decision of is it ‘like or love?’

Prediction: yeah, not likely. Welch and Ramy continue streaking (W10) by 1.

Sit back, relax and savor these SUPER-SIZED previews! Brought to you by Rachel A-Korn, Cheekbones and Izzy Sleaze and sponsored by the BTSH Olympics.

Filthier at LBS, Inc.

For those of you who follow the East Village division, these two teams are neck and neck, as is pretty much the entire division. The LBS are reclaiming their spot as an elite team, and Filthier, despite a few rough loses, is still the reigning champ and force to be reckoned with. Or should it be a force with which to be reckoned? (I’ll have Glanzer confirm my grammar.)  Jake, Liz, Sam and the rest of LBS are coming off a tough loss and looking to bounce back. There are absurdly good shooters on both sides of the ball, but the real battle here is the battle of the tenders Tim.

Prediction: Filthy in a shootout, just because it sounds like it’ll be more fun to watch.

Mega Touch at Gremlins

Mega Touch is on a roll (as I keep mentioning), and well, the Gremlins are not. Interesting look here, if things keep progressing this way, Mega Touch might take Gremlin’s coveted spot in the Johnson’s Division. Gremlins are going to fight hard to keep themselves out of the all-too-familiar Hi-Fi division. They only have one point on WTP.

Advice to Gremmies: don’t let this go to shoot out. Julie and Jamie have a complicated relationship in shoot outs, and Tuckman just loves ‘em.

Prediction: Gremmies by 1, they don’t like Hi-Fi.

Tompkins Square Riots at Cobra Kai

The July dog days of summer have been unkind to the evil dojo and August doesn’t appear to be any friendlier. They start the month off by facing those scrappy Riots and their El Pared de Sussudio. If they want to get back on track, they’ll need to start by focusing on trusting their instincts and converting turnovers into shots on net.

Ironically enough, that’s exactly what those Riots will be looking to do also. They too, have been struggling to put balls in net despite outworking their opponents. Instead of looking for that extra pass, just throw it on net and hope that Nick is still lost somewhere in a frozen margarita.

Prediction: JR and Sebastian get CK back into the win column by eking out a 2-1 victory.

Gouging Anklebiters at Mathematics

We’re not sure which we prefer, playing hockey with these guys or drinking with them. We could ref this game, or just get a beer or a bear trap with them.

Both teams are really looking forward to the BTSH Olympics (August 21^st at Parkside Lounge – more details to follow) and have started wagering on who’ll stumble away with the most medals (do participants earn medals or just a severe hangover?).

Prediction: Derek doesn’t score again, but it won’t matter as Sam, Sarah and Eli take care of business and the Biters 5-2.

Rehabs at Denim Demons

The Demons have quietly ascended to the top of their division over the past couple of weeks due to balanced execution on offense and defense. They might be just a mere +3 goal differential, but winning by 1 is still #winning. Plus, not enough can be said about their main blue-collar enforcer JR. When she’s in the lineup, this team means business.

The Rehabs have been enjoying their own success over the course of the season…. despite their shallow lady bench and the talented yet AWOL Ryann and Monique, they still find a way to win. Currently riding a 9-game winning streak, confidence is high that they’ll be able to solve the Demons’ Man-Child in net.

Prediction: this one goes to overtime with the Demons snapping the Rehabs winning streak 3-2.

So Diana and I both wrote a Fresh Kills at Butchers preview for Rachel and we ended up predicting different outcomes. Vegas and the BTSH media team have decided to open the betting lines on who will win the Game of the Week (in my opinion at least). Just submit your pick to btsh.media@gmail.com with the Subject ‘GTW Pick’ and for those of you that correctly pick Fresh Kills to win Diana will owe you either a favor or a beer.

Fresh Kills at Butchers by Diana

People are getting married and it’s throwing the betting world into complete f*cking chaos. How is Rachel going to fare as she guns for goal #3 after a night out at Diane’s bachelorette party? Josh and Art are key players for the Butchers, but what shape will they be in at 3pm after Josh’s bachelor party? In my experience, that’s when the hangover sweats get SERRRRIUZ. Also on everyone(with lady parts)’s mind is are they gonna bring this guy with them to fill in the gap against Gabe and Sheena’s sweet moves on the court? Whatever happens, Art and Ariel can have a Russian stand-off and give the crowd a good show. I’m going to predict that booze fuels some “let’s get this the f*ck over with” goal scoring from the Butchers and they pull it out.

Prediction: Butchers win 3-1

Fresh Kills at Butchers by Isaac

GAME OF THE WEEK

If you are allotted any additional time away from family or significant others this Sunday, spend it watching this contest.

We all know the storied history of Fresh Kills and the challenge they pose each week for opposing teams. They have the skill, veteran savvy and solid goal tending to make any BTSH player question whether missing brunch is worth playing them.

The Butchers on the other hand have tossed aside past season’s labels of ‘loud and objective’ and replaced it with ‘speed and precision.’ Their ability to quickly run up the score with accuracy in passing and shot selection has often left their opponents stunned like Nasir ‘Naz’ Khan in the Rikers’ shower room wondering ‘how did we get here?’

Prediction: the Kills slow the Butchers roll and bang out a W 6-4.

Sky Fighters at Instant Karma

These old Glanzer Division rivals may have headed in opposite directions at the end of last season, but Karma hasn’t forgotten how their last matchup went. Olivier was feeding players asphalt, Scoops was stomping on toes and the Teytelbaum brothers were slashing when the refs weren’t looking. In fact, the only Sky Fighters displaying any sportsmanship were Greg and their former captain Hopper. Ben, Mike and the Karma gang have had this match up circled for a while and will not only be out to settle the score, but a little bit of blood too.

Prediction: we all know the Chairman can talk the talk (or write the write), but we’re not convinced he’s learned to walk the walk. Sky Fighters win again 4-2.

What The Puck at Gut Rot

Gut Rot really took it to the Rehabs last week, let’s be honest nobody showed up to watch it, but they hung tough and made a game out of it. So WTP, you better be alert, on your game and watch out for these underdogs.

And hey, Gilligan, are you there? Will BTSH see you again this season?

Prediction: Gut Rot ignores the static and carries over the momentum from last week’s moral victory, converting it into another virtuoso showing and earning their second win in 2016 by 2-1.

Corlears Hookers at Fuzz

I’ll admit that I’m relatively new to BTSH and the history of most teams, but if I’m not mistaken, aren’t the Hookers supposed to be one of most feared? They are only two years removed from almost getting kicked out of ACE bar by soaking themselves (and those within close proximity) in the champagne of beers (Miller High Life) after winning the PBR Cup. But since then there’s been a bit of decline. Can someone shine some light on what seems to ail these purple people?

The Fuzz have been brought back to down to the land of Elves within the past couple of weeks by underestimating their recent opponents. (Casual game planning never wins championships Alyssa.) Take away Hicks (5 goals in the last 3 games) and Miles and this team looks quite pedestrian.

Prediction: Hookers burst out of the heat break HOT and pull off the upset 5-4.

Poutine Machine at Dark Rainbows

Earlier this week the Rainbows bid farewell to a staple in the NYC hockey community. (And they couldn’t be more delighted about it – just kidding Aaron!) His skill, speed and feisty attitude along the blue line will be missed. But with a subtraction the door opens for an addition…. League veteran Bernstein will be taking on the mantle of Dark Rainbow Dick.

Speaking of players accustomed to walking to fine of breaking the league’s first rule, let’s talk about Poutine! They’ve been riding a wave of second half season success by clamping down on defense and keeping opposing offenses in check. The reputation they’ve gained this season as over aggressive and dirty has been nothing but hyperbole. They’re more like pesky and proud.

Prediction: the Machine will be sticking out their chests a little further at the end of this one by 3-1.