Posts Tagged ‘previews’
Week 14 Previews Part 2: Sweaty and Sexy
Friday, July 22nd, 2016Instant Karma at Filthier by Richiepoothang
In this inter-conference matchup, Filthier takes on Instant Karma.
While Denis, Shaq and Tim K. spent last year drinking out of the PBR Cup, La Famiglia died, and turned into Instant Karma. There was no Karma for them however, as Filthier won their matchup last year, and then the championship.
But revenge is a dish best served cold and you get another chance this year. Look, lets be real here. Beating Cobra Kai last week (with the help of a crooked official who bet on the game and waved off two of their goals) felt nice. You probably high-fived, drank a beer and never have thought of that game again.
But look at this picture. It’s Amy from the Anklebiters scoring a shootout goal (which doesn’t count as a regulation or OT goal Justin). Look at the utter glee. That’s what sports is about people. So play hard, come back on D, cover the point and the streaking Filthier player without the ball. And make them earn all their scoring chances.
Not exactly what you guys expected to find in those bags.
There’s a rumor going around that the Dark Rainbows brought cupcakes to the courts in order to thank Camber and A. Freeman for their services – And. Didn’t. Share. With. Anyone. Shame, shame, shame. No one likes a selfish bastard.
Well the Anklebiters put together one of the best BTSH All-Star games ever and shared several heroes and beverages with all of us. We like food. And we like to be entertained.
Prediction: Bill slams back another Four Loko and twitches around the court like Peter Griffin’s friend William Shatner, confusing the eff out of the Biters, but not enough for a victory. Biters win 5-2.
BTSH’s favorite team may have had their season-defining moment last week. Oh sure, we all knew Fuzz has talent, but last week they also showed grit. If you’ve been too busy searching for Mewtwo to know the story, Fuzz found themselves down three late in their game against Filthier. However, they kept fighting, slowly winning over the hostile crowd like like Rocky when he fought Drago in Russia. And just as Balboa did, Fuzz delivered the final blow, knocking out the machine on the strength of a Richie G. shot from the point in OT.
Even Fuzz’s harshest critics were moved by the team’s heart.
Poutine Machine is no pushover, however. They’re riding a three-game winning and are only a point out of first place in the “Fourth” Division. Goalie Andrew F. is among the league leaders in GAA and is primed to stymie the Fuzz’s league-leading offense.
Prediction: We, the media, have learned that Jeff, Paul, Miles, and Sig are all out for Fuzz, leaving Alyssa and Injured Gil to do all of their scoring damage. It won’t be enough, and Poutine steals a 4-3 shootout win (goal by Hornswoggle, of course).
Corlears Hookers at Mega Touch by Isaac
The Pittsburg Putz, swollen with pride from this week’s RNC, will be out to make the Hookers great again. No, he’s not leaving. Sam and Noelle have pulled him aside and promise that he’ll be on his best behavior by bringing down the obnoxiousness from a level 10 to an 8.6. Regardless of what level he’ll be operating at, Sarah and Tiffany are more concerned with what level of moxie Brady, Shaleen and other Mega Touches will be at.
Prediction: a seesaw of a contest with Mega Touch winning 5-4.
Previews Part 1
Wednesday, July 20th, 2016Before we get to the previews, check out the second podcast of the BTSH Doghouse. It’s on the Facebook page. If you’re not on the Facebook page, then you probably aren’t reading this anyways. But you can click here. Or ——>>>>>https://blab.im/161c09740017490ebca062e530aeec36
Everyone (but Mike) is all smiles for the second BTSH Podcast!
This week could be blowout week, since all the games are outside their own conference. It will be interesting to see which 3rd and 4th division teams step up, and which get stomped. We answer that question, below.
All-Star Sunday 2016 Previews
Friday, July 15th, 2016
Captain Dana of team BALLS has been on a tear lately. The Riots are going to need to keep an eye on her.
1 pm GAMES – by Hornswoggle V to the R
Instant Karma at Cobra Kai
Karma and the Dojo are looking to rejuvenate themselves with a win after losing to the Butchers and Filthier, respectively. Ben “The Chairman”/“Chadtrick” Chadwick narrowly missed his third last week, meaning he’ll be gunning for four on Sunday just to average out a “Chadtrick”. Cobra Kai will probably be running on a mean streak, since they got blanked the previous week, in part due to Denis’ hatty. Since this is a division rivalry game, I expect the stakes—and tensions—to rise as the game progresses.
Prediction: Karma will edge out the Dojo by one goal, but only because of the longest stick in the league.
Tompkins Square Riots at Butchers
These squads are first in their divisions and are tearing up their own division rivalries. Butchers are on a three-game win streak, and my ROTC sergeant used to say in his Jamaican accent, “The higher the monkey climbs, the more he is exposed.” Consider the Butchers’ ascendancy incentive for the capable Riots to quash any lofty thoughts that might have been lingering. With my favorite player Vanck in the roster, there will be no shortage of players giving 110% on their shifts in this match.
Prediction: But given Rachel’s new development of having a nose for the net, the Riots may find themselves in a trifle. Butchers will probably eke a win by only two goals.
Shut-Down Charlotte, All-Star defenseperson
2 PM GAMES – by Rachel Impersonator
Filthier at Fuzz
This matchup is very interesting. Both teams are on a collision course to meet in the playoffs and we’re curious to see which strategy their captains will use. Do they sit players like Dennis, Jeff, James and All-Stars Kate and Miles and keep their cards close to the chest? Or will they say ‘fuck it’ and go all in? For the league’s sake, and entertainment value, we’re hoping the latter.
Prediction: Filthier shows the Fuzz what it takes to be a champion and takes it 7-4.
Poutine Machine at What The Puck
How many ladies will be participating for the Pucks this week? We know Second Stars Susie and Emily will be there, but how about the others? You know who will be showing up for Poutine, a safe bet is on Shut-down Charlotte and Natalie. Susie never takes her eye off of the ball and Emily has a knack for attention to detail. However Charlotte doesn’t allow anyone to score and Natalie’s just about making it look good. Hmmmm…
Prediction: Emily is the difference in this contest and the Pucks roll 4-1.
Captain Tia of the Gordie Howe Banana Hat Tricks will have her team in great position.
3 PM GAMES – by Isaac
Fresh Kills at Gouging Anklebiters
The Biters just can’t seem to catch a break lately and it only gets tougher on All-Star Sunday against one of the league’s top teams. Last week the Kills auditioned the Tennessean Loud Mouth to match the vocal burst of their opponent and it barely worked. If that kid returns this week then he’ll have to contend Sarah and Joe P. Oh yeah, and Probie finally returns.
Prediction: Biters keep it 100 and get 4 past Barch, 4-3.
Dark Rainbows at Gremlins
You really want to root for them Gremlins, you really do, but Walker just keeps pulling in ringers from around the league. For the past two weeks they’ve borrowed the talents of Cheeky from Mega Touch and a couple others before that. But Captain Abby and her Rainbows don’t care. Use who you want to. It doesn’t faze them.
Prediction: without being able to barrow from within the league this week the Gremmies are handed defeat in regulation 3-2.
Can we talk about this photo? Tommy is inbounding the ball, one of Gut Rot’s defenders is backpedaling and I’m clearly disinterested with all of it.
430 PM GAMES – by RichieHer0
Gut Rot as Mega Touch
Mega and Gut Rot face off in a formerly-known-as-Greene Division matchup. But unlike their hero Rachel, Gut Rot has found trouble putting in goals this year. Mega on the other hand is trending upwards. They are .500 and only a point behind the Riots.
Prediction: The two teams battled a few weeks ago and unlike Instant Karma, Mega Touch won. For me, much like any politician I’m going to go with ‘what’s in it for me?’ Diane has bought me one amazing shirt. ’99 problems but sleeves ain’t one’. Julie on the other hand has “bought” me several Mets and Ranger shirts that she gets free at the games. Several free shirts > than 1 paid shirt. Even if I love that paid shirt the most. Mega 3-1.
Corlears Hookers at Mathematics
The Hookers are like the old QB from Any Given Sunday. They still have talent to win big games, but they need a lot of help from Jamie Foxx to get to the next level.
Meanwhile Math needs to update their Match.com profile. Their pictures no longer match what they look like today.
Prediction: The Hookers don’t want to come in last in the formerly-known-as-Newman Division. But I don’t think Jamie Foxx, Eitel or Putka show up. I also think Math brings a spirited 10. But it won’t be enough as the Hookers prevail 5-2. I’m willing to bet a beer and 9 squat thrusts on this one.
Lucky hats? Not if the Demons have anything to say about it.
530 PM GAMES – by Isaac
LBS, Inc. at Rehabs
Looking for something to keep you entertained while waiting for the main event that is the All-Star game? Then check this out. Storylines galore in what should be a fantastic game. The lines of Karsten-Scott-Ali against Alex-Carlton-Monique is sure to give us highlight worthy plays. Along with the matchup of speedsters Ramy and Boylan (Sam Norris challenge alert: who can get to the loose ball first?) each team is going to need to be aware of their surroundings. But the real game within the game is between two of the best goalies in BTSH, Ramirez and Brown.
Prediction: Rehabs narrowly escape 2-1 and replace the LBS as the new No. 1 in the Power Rankings.
Denim Demons at Sky Fighters
It’s out of character for these teams to struggle to score, but for the past couple of weeks it has been a bit of a challenge for them. Last week the Demons brought up some welcome talent from their farm system, the Yeshiva League, and it almost paid dividends. (Keep that stick down kid!) The Sky Fighters on the other hand were sporting some fancy new hats and it brought them luck. (Mia’s camo one is pretty sweet.) Will it again this week?
Prediction: the refs run out of ‘de-escalation’ cards, but somehow Popack is the voice of reason in the end and so are the Demons 3-1.
ALL-STAR GAME 2016
Gordie Howe Banana Hat Tricks at BALLS
Its here! It’s finally back! It’s the BTSH All-Star Game 2016! The stage has been set and the players have been volunteeredelected. Team BALLS is famous for having the biggest ones of them all (and letting everyone know about it). And team GH-BHT is well known for slipping multiple ones past the goalkeeper. Both squads feature players that are well deserving of the honor of representing their teams in season’s game.
Prediction: the Banana Hat Tricks’ (can someone on their team please explain to me what that is exactly?) wily bunch may have the scales of talent tipped in their favor, but we don’t see the BALLS being intimidated, we see them winning the All-Star game 21-17.
So, now that we all know who’s playing in it, lets find out about who isn’t…
Team Heckle Wall
Captaining the Heckle Wall is league agitator, Eli Kazin. And he’s not taking this responsibility lightly. Apparently he’s assembled a crew of the most detestable bunch from around the league. Zach, Cathy, Da Belt, Cro-daddy (who is somehow playing and heckling), Morgen, Perko, Ruebens, Chadwick, Cheeky and Soko have been brainstorming all week on what encouraging phrases will rattle the All-Stars best.
Team West Court Sideline
Getting the people to the sideline will be Probie and the Anklebiters, who know the way to bring crowds to an event is through their stomachs (food stand opens around 436 pm). Rallying the sideline team will be their captain, and league tigress, Julie Katz. With her will be misfits the likes of Brady, Sullivan, Popack, Christina, Olivier, Worky, Commish, Jamie, Derek, Rachel, and Jimmy to give the players their worst. (And maybe a couple extra balls from time to time. It’s been known to happen.)
Which team will you be on?
Week 12 Previews
Friday, July 8th, 2016By Rachel Greene
Instant Karma vs Butchers
I hate to get all Glanzer and write an entire post about Ben Chadwick and myself…but, like Glanzer, I am going to do it whether you like it or not (just with better grammar and fewer wrestling references). So Ben and I win a lot together, at trivia, gardening, local farm-share veggies, jump starting each other’s cars. But this Sunday, we can’t both be winners. Last week Karma fell out of first place, handing Gut Rot their first win of the season. Mike (Karma’s official goalie) has been lights out this season, but Pete’s been finding the back of a lot of nets. Also: Jimmy. Ben, you might win in height and Mensa, but I’m going to wager a 6 pack on my Butchers.
Prediction: Butchers by 1, let’s split the series.
Gouging Anklebiters vs Sky Fighters
Whether it comes from the ‘Biters or the Fighters bench, you’ll here ‘c’mon Mike’ from one of the sidelines. I really just want to see Infanti and Marko smile at each other. (Has anyone ever taught them to score more and smile less? Regardless, they both make me smile a lot, without scoring much.) Stein is back in net for the Fighters after an injury/Netflix binge hiatus and will be test often by Derho and Hanson (they’re not going to take it easy on him).
Prediction: Biters take this one from their former division rivals 3-2.
Poutine Machine vs Mega Touch
Slow down, Nicky. What happened to a little chivalry?
Prediction: Mega by 1, git it!
Filthier vs Cobra Kai
Not a bad replacement for Dennis.
Prediction: Filthy by 1, with or without Den.
LBS, Inc. vs Gremlins
Big question here…which team will Luke play on? I’m going to go ahead and say that decides the winner. You know what I’d really like to see? I’d like to check Facebook Monday morning and see Cherie post some love to Jamie after he shuts her down. Oh yeah, Cherie is on the Pounds now (everyone who has to play them this season collectively sighs and hangs heads). Rookie Alex, you better hope a bee stings Tim Brown. He’s not letting much in these days.
Prediction: LBS by 3 and look for Scott to over-celebrate a hatty.
Math at Fuzz
Didn’t this just happen? Who makes the schedule here? It really seems like Math had a lot of fun last time!! Then again, not all of Fuzz had fun either. I would think that Fuzz would be relieved not to play against Cherie, but then they went ahead and pissed off Michelle. Personally, I wouldn’t mess with that. I’m not sure I want to watch this game; I get very upset when my common law husband loses his shit. I am somewhat looking forward to the part of the game where it all goes to hell and Amy and Alyssa becomes good friends talking nonsense while Newman (fails to) calm it down.
Prediction: Ewing Theroy holds true and Math rights the ship and stun Fuzz 4-2.
Portugal at France
By Isaac
The stage has been set for the European Championship Final. France stormed past Germany, and just about everyone else in their way, to enter the final and will face a Portugal team that has had to claw their way to get here. Led by La Liga Superstar, Ronaldo, Portugal has been resilient and patient throughout the tournament; cleverly picking their scoring chances and baiting opposing countries into making bad decision. Meanwhile, France has played with the discipline and poise that champions are made of. And they’ll need it if they plan on outlasting Portugal and taking home the 2016 EURO CUP.
Prediction: France doesn’t get fooled by Portugal’s trickery and wins the Final by 3-1.
Denim Demons at Fresh Kills
Hey, BTSH! Did you know that the Fresh Kills now not only have an eponymously named Staten Island landfill, but ALSO a bar in Williamsburg? Sorry. It was big news to me. Who knew they were so upwardly mobile? Now the Demons, they’ve had a lot of change this year…the looming questions is, which direction are they headed? Staten Island landfill or Williamsburg bar? Follow up question: which is worse?
Prediction: So Fresh by 2, upwardly mobile.
Tompkins Square Riots vs What The Puck
These two teams are duking it out should be a fun one for all of us to watch. Keys to the game: WTP needs to stop Suz crazy scoring, keep Sharif’s pants on and somehow contain Laura MacNeil’s excitement. Actually not the last one, it’s too much fun to watch. Also important, do not let the Tompkins Square Hawk eat Camden. TSR needs to keep Mike’s wings in check and hope that Corey doesn’t appear again.
Prediction: Riots by 2, Joe and Suz can’t be stopped.
Dark Rainbows vs Gut Rot
By Isaac
Gut Rot is now locked in and focused.
What do we have here? Ah, yes! A battle of formerly-known-as-Green Division heavyweights!
Last week Gut Rot enjoyed their first taste of victory this season and are thirsty for more. The Rainbows on the other hand have come back down to earth after enjoying early season success against some of the formerly-known-as-Katz Division teams. Both have been trending Sideways recently and this contest will decide which course of direction they are now headed in. Abby vs Tommy! Longwell vs Nitschxe! Candy Corns vs Crack! Game on!
Prediction: Gut Rot gets on a roll with their second W in as many games, 3-1.
Rehabs vs Corlears Hookers
We at the media (and anyone else listening) has heard a lot lately about the Rehabs being ‘for real.’ If the Hookers bring a legit squad this week, it might just be the week to test that theory. Otherwise it might more similar to Kirkham yelling about drones during the State of the Union. The more I think about it, screw the game…I just want to hand Kirkham a six pack and point him towards Cro and his stupid hat.
Prediction: Rehabs by 2, man I hate that hat.
Week 9 Previews – Part II: Rivalry Week
Friday, June 10th, 2016By Richiepoothang (Actually Isaac, it’s Richie Hero)
Part II of the previews are here. I promise this is a better sequel than Mannequin 2, Cro’s chances of picking up single chicks, Gabe’s passing skills and Lost seasons 4-6 (sorry Marissa, quit while you’re ahead).
Rob Walsh’s favorite movie
What The Puck at Dark Rainbows
(No one is allowed to be offended. I would make a joke about Gary Johnson, the Libertarian candidate who I’m voting for if I knew what he looked like.)
As a journalist, timeliness matters. Now that Hilary Clinton is the presumptive Democratic candidate for President, we decided to ask for her opinion on any game this week.
Clinton: Before we go any further, I demand to preview the best game of the week. I can’t be bothered with two Formerly Greene Division teams.
Richie Hero: OK. Well I think you gotta go with Fresh Kills vs. Filthier then.
Clinton: No way. The last time I did these was in 2007 when I began my campaign against Barack. I want the two best teams. Give me WTP and the Dark Rainbows.
Richie Hero: Mrs. Clinton, a lot has changed since then. I really think you should go with Fresh Ki…
Clinton: Listen Bubba. I lost to Obama in 2008 because I previewed the Anklebiters and Elves, and that was, Bad Hockey. I’m not falling for this again.
Richie Hero: Yes ma’am. WTP and Rainbows it is.
What do you mean Nielson, and Jesus aren’t on the Rainbows anymore? Corey never shows and Woodsworth and Sal retired? Why didn’t Marissa stop watching Lost after season 3?? You’re kidding, Adriano’s on Mega?? I hope that wench Julie votes for Bernie. #I’mnotwithher
Richie Hero: Oh. Also, Rainbows 3-1. Rehabs at Math
A Formerly Newman Division grudge match! (Can we just call Division 2 the Formerly Newman Division?) Two years ago Math eliminated the Rehabs and last year the Rehabs eliminated Math.
Key’s for the Rehabs: Secondary scoring for Ramy, Robert B. (not Black Rob, Bracken) and solid defense from Mia. Because lets be honest, the Habs are going to ask to borrow Mia since they only have two girls on their roster and only Ryann shows. (Though who doesn’t love Sena??)
For Math: When is Becky coming back? Is Amber a full-time player? Does Cherie know how to score with more than a minute left? (3 of her 5 goals have come in the last minute of regulation or OT, according to my Hockey Autism.)
Prediction: Ryann doesn’t let Mia play offense and Zach goes around her like he did Anne M. last game. Dick move Zach, but it will lead to a scoring chance that he won’t put in because he has no hands. Rehabs 2-1.
Ann we need to talk about defensive positioning.
(If anyone needs advice shooting it at Diana’s face let me know. I can set up a play.)
This is going to be a really good game. Brittany and Belen are the new hired guns for LBS. Brittany made a great first impression with two goals in her inaugural game. Belen and the newest Know Your Neighbor Liz also have been key contributors.
For the Anklebiters…can we talk about Derho? I don’t know how to spell his name. I just know he’s the guy that no one ever talks about but is always up there in scoring. Him and Probie make one of the top lines in BTSH. (Though not #1 bc that’s the Gentleman and Suvin.)
Prediction: Can the guy on the left retire already? The Curly Sue dude still has some moves. LBS. romp 4-1.
You’re too old let go. It is over. Nobody likes HiFi. (Well, Danielle does.)
Gremlins at Instant Karma
I love it when Instant Karma plays the Gremmies because they can’t cheat and use Jamie. Use a free agent goalie like everyone else has been doing this year, Mr. Chairman. Your win vs. the Anklebiters is tainted. *
*= Tainted win vs. Anklebiters
Two years ago I received an email asking to give a star to Maire for scoring her first career BTSH goal. And since then she’s been on a tear, scoring at least 5 last year and already 3 this year! Alright, so that’s not exactly leading the stats board and so I guess she can be stopped, but that’s still more goals than most of you troglodytes have scored. Definitely more than (Brian Sullivan Name Drop Alert) the Brain. However, for Karma to win they will need to stifle Eric G., who Walker says is the best something or other in the league who nobody knows.
Karma will hope their rookies Brendan, Nicole and Ryan (a boy with a boys name) step up. If Hugh and Nina show up that would be a big plus.
Prediction: In past years this I’d go with Karma since by 5:30 Jamie would be exhausted from having already played a least two prior games. But because the captains of BTSH have been using free agent goalies, I’m going to go with the Gremmies 3-1. (Isaac-2 and Chadtrick +2 somehow)
And now the big one…Butchers at Fuzz(!!!)
For weeks Rachel G., aka A-Korn, has been coming on here, telling everyone how hated Fuzz is. We had one roster spot to fill so we asked Newman but he said he’s a “Rachel Greene Guy” and would, “Rather eat only one slice of pizza than my typical two that I always put on Facebook, than play with that turncoat jeff. But thank u jeff for the offer.”
Richie Hero’s Take:
While Walsh prefers Mannequin 2, I’m going to go with Legally Blonde 2. When I was younger, I had a full head of hair. I was beautiful.
From the Poothang family album, 1954.
But I could never get Sal the barber, I always got his halfwit brother Luigi. Well, one day Sal said, “Heyyyy Richie, you commmma to me. I cutta your hair.” I was so excited to finally sit in his magical chair. But then he colored my hair a different color than normal, he shaved my sideburns too tight, and worst of all, he cut my mullet so short, that I no longer looked or even played like Jaromir Jagr anymore. I was incensed. But my anger was misplaced. I wasn’t mad at Sal. I was mad at myself. I saw Sal do all the atrocities yet I said nothing. I had lost my voice. Until one day, a hero emerged. Brian Hicks called me and said, “Fuck the Butchers. Lets win with Fuzz. Rachel (-3).” So Rachel, bring Peter D. and Drake and I’ll raise you with Miles and Alyssa. Make sure JSB and The Charismatic Enigma show up and I’ll have Jeff and Gillie Howe ready. You remember Jeff, right? But most of all bring yourself, because what you gonna do, when The Real RG scores on you!! Called shot! Wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!
A-Korn’s Take:
Talk shit about Fuzz one more time Greene. I dare you!
Hey Jeff, are you there? How many goals do you have this season? A single empty netter? So that counts as .5? I guess someone had to step up and score goals this season. That’d be me. Um, you know, my one singular goal. But maybe really not just me…maybe Pete, Jimmy, Dana and Drake. Coach, Chuckles, I love you, but these kids are coming for you. If I had one things to tell my team (trust me I have many), it won’t be to watch Jeff, we all know that game, it’s the rest of them like Miles, Alyssa, Gil, that guy who likes all of Rich’s posts (not Cro). Oh, and Alexa, I’m gonna cuddle the sh*t out of you.
Editor’s Prediction: Rich doesn’t make good on his called shot, but the Fuzz walk away victorious 4-2.
