btsh.org

THIRD STAR
Yuriy Turetskiy from Mega Touch
by Rachel G

Yes…that’s how you spell his name. I think. But I am pretty sure he left Facebook, so who is left to correct me? I digress (too much time with Glanzer?). Did anyone watch the Mega Touch vs Anklebiters game? I mean, all of BTSH wanted to watch this game. But Yuriy was an (probably not entirely) unsung hero. He decided to save all his 2016 goals for the playoffs. We all tip our hats to Mega, but let’s buy this man a beer. Also, he would be really helpful playing against the Fresh Kills, since he’s cracked the code…Petitska.

SECOND STAR
The Almost Upsets
by Sam

Well, playoffs v1.5 came and went yesterday, leaving the majority of teams predicted to win having won.  Assholes.

However, despite a bunch of assholes playing and winning, there were some phenom plays across two games that almost gave the BTSH Universe some more underdog mythology.  But all for not, they came up short.  Here is their story:

Mega Touch vs. the Gouging Anklebiters (A first person account from referee, Josh Wilson, with editor’s notes enclosed)

“I reffed Mega/GA. It was a very even and clean game. Both teams played great team games. Also want to give a shout out/[Handjob]/thanks to the Anklebiters for buying our team a round.

[The shitbag] Gouging Anklebiters hit a crossbar in the opening seconds [because they really, really suck] and Caroline [unfortunately] scored a minute later. Yuriy scored the next 2 goals [and Julie tells me they were both beauties]. Worky tied it with about 4 minutes left.

Ben hit a crossbar with a few minutes left and Julie had 2 whacks out front at the buzzer, [but Craig gobbled the hell out of those balls].

Chuck scored on the shootout. The Mega girl totally faked Craig out but missed the empty net [I mean, come on, Cheeky!] and Alex scored. [Regardless, Mega is still sexy as he-ell!]”

Hats off to Mega Touch this year–their best season in their history.  Cheers.

Dark Rainbows vs. Filthier

The Dark Rainbows are known for three things: free shoes, a guy that looks like Jaromir Jagr, and always having the potential to upset the hell out of a team.  While I wore the first part yesterday, I also got to witness the legend of the two latter parts.

After the half, the Rainbows were up 1-0.  A BTSH heckle wall had formed, about to potentially witness the 2015 BTSH Champions be unseated in the first round of playoffs.  An upset this big hadn’t happened in awhile, except an hour prior when WTP beat The Fuzz in a forfeit due to continued full line changes on water breaks.  But nobody cares about The Fuzz, or even if the “t” in “the” is capitalized.  Is their name just “Fuzz” or “The Fuzz”?  Either way, the Rainbows kept their pressure on the next 12 minutes, having many scoring opportunities, when league asshole and ugliest person alive, Dennis “Please Call Me Denny” scored the game tying goal.  Then, moments later, the heckle wall started to cheer, as “Free Shoes” Bill broke loose and had a breakaway.  Unfortunately, he didn’t score and the league leading face and chief philanthropist, Jeff Kamen, scored with 11 seconds to go on a screen of 3 players.

FIRST STAR
Longwell from Dark Rainbows
by Byron Clavicle

The BTSH sweet sixteen playoff day is traditionally a bloodbath, as the top seeds sharpen their proverbial skates on the bones of the lower-ranked. Those upper echelon teams are the ones you only cheer for if you’re on them– oh sure, they’re swell people with skills that are really super, but on the morning of game day you still hope someone’s cut the brake-line on their team bus. But, eh, they usually advance, in what we may as well just call Hockey Massacre Day. This particular one, October 2nd, is also the day Ivan the Terrible razed Kazan in 1552, and worse yet, Phil Kessel’s birthday.

So, this week was no different. One-by-one, the lower seeds fell. The LBS exorcised the reformed Denim Demons; What The Puck got stopped, frisked, and busted by Fuzz; the Gremlins OD’d on the Rehabs’ methadone; Cobra Kai got filleted and gutted by the Butchers; and Instant Karma was reincarnated as a small flightless bird by the Fresh Kills. The best thing that can be said for those teams winning is that, if any of them advance to the finals, the Heckle Wall will once again be the star of the day.

But a strange thing happened around 4 o’clock that gave hope to the afternoon’s disemboweled prey. The Dark Rainbows took an early 1-0 lead in their game against our league’s Filthiest, and held it against a barrage of wicked shots, frustrating the best team money could buy for the better part of an hour. The defense deserves plenty of credit, sure, and the Rainbows offense was valiant. But the action was mostly on their defensive side, and the true highlights were the goalie’s. He shrugged off cannonades from all directions, points, slot, wings, and probably even a few shots from the opposing goalie. Not your garden-variety limp lobs on net, either, but fully operational Death Star laser beams. The Rainbows held strong. It was one of the most stunning displays of goal-line determination this reporter has seen in 9 years of BTSH. Finally, with only a few minutes left, Filthier got a fluky-looking thing past him. Resignation filled the air. A few minutes later, eleven seconds before it would’ve gone to overtime, Filthier struck the knockout blow. At that moment, to quote John Walker, “the league’s collective heart broke.” And the day was done.

So the vanquished are home at last with their families, dreaming of what might have been on the digital ice of NHL 2K17, or maybe they’re still sucking on a bottle of Thunderbird in the the Tompkins Square restrooms. I don’t know. But I do know that no one among us would have traded places with Filthier for those first 45 minutes, pounding helplessly at the brick wall the Rainbows had minding their net.

His name is Kevin Longwell and he is this week’s first star.

Honorable Mentions:

An Ice Cold Can of Beer by Perras, not only good for celebrating victories or washing away defeat, it can also be used as an ice pack.  So says Derho’s right eye.

Carlton from the Rehabs by Mia, Blonde Patrick Swayze cut open his knuckles during a fall against The Gremlins. But he continued to rage, scoring a sick goal as blood gushed down his hand and legs.  It was a messy job bandaging him up—it took a lot of gauze to stop the bleeding and clean the wound (all those droplets on the ground came from him). Frankly, his DNA was all over my hands… I’m hoping some of his skills rubbed off on me.

by Ophelia Baulls

THIRD STAR
Gut Rot “We come last, or not at all”

Trying to describe Gut Rot is sometimes like trying to describe that guy you want to set your friend up with, who maybe isn’t a total smokeshow but is SO awesome it’s tough to describe exactly WHY. Here’s why this week:

1. They lost their goalie in the last month of the season and kept those cute smiles on their faces and welcomed Worky into the net

2. Perko dropped his stick onto the subway tracks and this is what happened

3. Liza Watts because of this real-life chat over our company IM

darko: what was the score?
ldubs: uh…we lost?
ldubs: pretty sure we scored one goal
ldubs: and they scored more than one goal
darko: that sounds right

SECOND STAR
Erich from Gremlins “When I move, you move. Just like that.”

The word on the street is that Erich was like the vinegar in your 6th grade volcano-science-project, making shit ERUPT (but less foamy?) every time he stepped onto the court. The Gremlins and Riots battled hard but Erich was leading a Macy’s day parade into the Riots defensive zone whenever he tapped in. Homeboy sunk two in the net, for a 4-1 victory over the Riots.

FIRST STAR
Tia from Dark Rainbows “Location, location, location”

Tia played in position like a bauss and nailed in two goals, securing a hearty victory for the Rainbows. Reportedly “well-stretched and highly caffeinated,” T-$ was in primetime goal scoring position and also breaking up Gut Rot’s offensive flow. Not only did she score twice, but she was picking up Rot passes like Perko picks up a stick: unexpected and slightly alarming.

Honorable mentions:

Liam of Cobra Kai for ensuring his team moved on to the next round by pumping two past the Hookers net minder.  Of all the teams that won this past Sunday the evil dojo looked the most dangerous.

Walkie-Talkie and Mia for keeping the courts open late so us hockey junkies could hang out and scrimmage.  Thanks for breaking it all down too.