btsh.org

by Rachel K

This was a very difficult week for 3 stars. Seriously, everyone was a star. All of you. You’re all goddamn stars. Never change, BTSH. Here we go.

THIRD STAR

Craig L from the Gouging Anklebiters

From the BTSH Hall of Fame

You know why you’re 3^rd star…. …it was the glove contribution, of course, and its timeliness. Also, the Wiz Khalifa Black & Yellow reference didn’t hurt your case. Aside from that, we can all agree that you embodied everything that BTSH stands for at the Olympics, and gave the people what they wanted. For that, we thank you. I just want to put it out there that it took me 2 years in the league to realize that Craig was DJ Bubblebath, so feel free to publicly shame me. Also, sorry for putting you in the Dog House last week. Ok fine, this is a pity star.

SECOND STAR

Charlotte from Poutine Machine

Champion

Look at that textbook form!!!!! First of all, despite being away earlier in the weekend with her family, she came back just to show up for Poutine at the BTSH Olympics! And boy, did she show up. Not one, not two, but THREE events – Case Race, Flip Cup Tournament, and 2 Girls 1 Cup. 2 Girls 1 Cup was especially memorable (amirite?), with her and hottie teammate Emily M losing by the tiniest hair to the women of Gut Rot. You won in my book, ladies. Charlotte had absolutely no quit in her & drank like a champion, and that’s why she gets 2^nd star. (Sidenote: Do I smell a rookie of the year contender????)

FIRST STAR

Phil D from the Gouging Anklebiters

Thank You

3 Stars was hard, except for this star. Phil deserves a medal and a special place in the BTSH HOF for bringing back what clearly is one of the best BTSH events. It took 6 long years, but BTSH Olympics are back and, if I have anything to do with it, aren’t going anywhere. Phil was instrumental in locking down Parkside Lounge which was the perfect venue –drink specials for the league, a catwalk, and a private back room so that we could pack as much nudity into hot legs as possible. He also MC-ed the event and kept the events rolling on throughout the night, which as BTSH-ers get drunk is like herding cats. Really, really drunk cats. NOT ONLY THAT guys, his team obliterated the competition in Case Race. CASE RACE CHAMPIONS. Shout out to his team the Anklebiters who came out in force and assisted in the Case Race victory.

Honorable Mentions:

This Guy

Rich G from Fuzz, after spending weeks and weeks claiming he could bench multiple people, Glanzer finally put his money where his mouth is and squatted (Brian Sullivan Alert) Brian Sullivan.  (For the video, go to the league’s Facebook page.)  Bonus points for the SAVAGE drop at the end.  And a hat tip to Mikey who was there to clean BSA off the floor.

Crime Stoppers: 1-888-555-0451

Patsy Flabongo from the Free Agent List, despite being brand new to the league, everyone welcomed her with open arms (and mouths). She drank with too many people to count, outlasted all of us, went to Sing Sing where she allegedly brought the house down with a soulful rendition of Cat Stevens “Wild World”, and then quietly sacrificed herself to the party gods on behalf of BTSHers everywhere. Rest in peace, Patsy. You will be missed.

Everyone else: A HUGE shout out to everyone who took off their shirts, pants, filter, and/or dignity Sunday night. You are the unwritten heroes of this week. Keep BTSH weird.

**Notably absent from this list is the BrOcean City crew, who went down Monday and can’t stop throwing in our faces that they are on a beach while the rest of us are sitting at work like a bunch of jabronis. Can’t knock the hustle, but the FOMO hurts pretty bad so save some shenanigans for when the rest of us get there.

It was hot in NYC Sunday. And guess what? On August 14, it’s always going to be hot in NYC. So if you are a goalie and choose not to play, that’s your choice. But don’t try to David Koresh the rest of us so we don’t have fun. While two HOF goalies (Coach and Craig) chose not to play, heroes emerged. These are their stories.

From BTSH HOFer to BTSH Quitter

(more…)

By Rachel

THIRD STAR
Chuck of the Biters

That’s him, to the RIGHT of Cheekbones.

This long time stalwart ankle-biter finally has his day of glory. We in the media are guilty of focusing too much on Phil’s epic Johnson’s Olympics, Princess Joe’s frequent injuries and Diana’s Cheekbones. But Chuck has been consistently grinding away for years and has one hell of a shot. Anyone at the courts Sunday saw Chuck score two of the three regulation goals for the biters and then snipe the crap out of the Rainbow’s goalie in the shootout.

SECOND STAR
Mega Touch, featuring Mike Tuckman

Mick Tuckman, he’s a regular Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle.

Mega Touch, this Hi-Fi division darling who probably hasn’t had a winning season since….ever? In Sunday’s heat they out-hustled the Hookers with a strong message, “Make BTSH Great Again.” In a league that is trending towards getting more competitive every year, Mega still takes players who don’t know how to hold a stick, and are winning.! Also, TUCKMAN?!?!?! Two shutouts in a row! He made Danillo look like…well, someone who can’t score.

FIRST STAR
Jimmy Kinney

Look at that perfect example of waist high stick rule.

Does he get a star because it’s so much fun to say Jimmy Kinney? Maybe. But also maybe because he scored five goals in one game. Three of those on his backhand. Can I make up another fun word to say? back-trick? Not sure if you read this kid’s rookie profile last week, but he’s making good on his word. Ben Probert, your puppy is coming for you.

Honorable Mentions:

The Website
Thanks for finally giving us division names. Special thanks to Mike Mincielli for the genius idea. Double special thanks to whoever gave us the Johnson’s division.

Aaron Friedman
For nominating the guy who beat his team in an OT shootout. Classy.

Tim Burke
Dude played TWO games in net yesterday. It was like a bajillion degrees and he stood in the net wearing goalie gear for TWO HOURS. Also, he won both games. Atta boy, Timmy.

By Dana K.

Rich and the Fuzz pulled off an amazing comeback to shock the defending champs in OT.

THIRD STAR

Rich Glanzer, whose heart seems to be in the right place but whose stick is usually holding yours down in front of the net, scored his first goal this Sunday since dinosaurs roamed Tompkins. With mere seconds left in overtime against Filthy, Glanzer took a shot from the point that made a bunch of people wearing pink very, very sad.  The refs were confused, the fans on the sidelines were confused as well, asking each other, wait, who were we rooting for here?

That’a girl Amy!

SECOND STAR

C’mon, look at this picture and don’t smile – I freaking dare you. Amy Donahue scored the game winner for the Anklebiters while her adorable daughter Callie cheered her on in round 3,000 of the AB/Fresh Kills shoot out. Not only did she score the game winner, this was her first BTSH goal EVER!  Now wipe that tear from your eye, you’re reading this at work for christsake, pull yourself together.

Liz vs. Dana in a race ‘n chug halftime challenge.  Just one of the many old-fashioned BTSH events throughout All-Star Sunday initiated by Sam Norris.

FIRST STAR

Ben Probert for bringing the All Star game back to its former glory – Sunday’s All-Star game reminded us all what BTSH is all about – heckling each other, chugging beers, running around like idiots and heckling each other. That was some good old-fashioned BTSH out there – special mention to anyone with a banana gun, Sam Norris and Isaac Stewart for reffing. Also special kudos for having a few minutes of all girls playing at the end, that was super fun.

Special mention star: OK, just because Mike Mincieli would kill me if I didn’t put this in here somewhere, I’ll do it in his “voice” “The SUN! because it’s an ACTUAL star and it affected ALL the games today! You have to give the Sun, which IS a star, a star.” Done, Mike, done.