Week 18 Previews – Part 1
Tompkins Square Riots at What the Puck – 12:30 pm, EAST
by Izzy
The Riots are not to be overlooked as they have impressive wins this season against the powerhouse Cobra Kai and surging Dark Rainbows. Despite last week’s hiccup this is the time of year when News Hour Mac’s rebellious burgundy brutes crank it up a notch or four. Plus, league underrated, but team appreciated, Kevin on defense has one of the most destructive inbound shots.
The Pucks can’t afford to be careless with Mega right on their heels.
We’re not sure which Pucks team is going to show up this Sunday. And no, we don’t mean what line combinations they’ll come up with out of their 20+ players. What we do mean is that the latest scuttlebutt coming out their clubhouse is that Susie and the gang are already looking forward to Hockey Beach next weekend. (And who can blame them?) With Mega Touch right on their heels for the Division 4 crown they better refocus and smell the salts for this divisional clash with the Riots.
Prediction: game goes to a shootout with Margot being the hero for the Riots, 3-2.
Corlears Hookers at Fuzz – 12:30 pm, WEST
by Hicks
In what should be an interesting matchup of teams that are afraid of things they shouldn’t be we have the Hookers who are afraid of the weather and Fuzz who are about as scared of trash (or cleaning it up) as the Hookers are of the weather. God forbid there be any rain or a stray piece of garbage rolls across the court mid game, we could have some serious casualties!
The guilt of abandoning clean team duties got to Mike T so deep that he spent the week cleaning up the city.
With the division locked up and a top 2 seed guaranteed, my sources are telling me that Fuzz has elected to rest league-leading disallowed goal scorer Richard (Robert) Glnzr for this game. It’s a shame he won’t be able to add to his league-leading total of 71, but something tells me no one is going to catch him. (Get well soon, Rich). How will Fuzz go on without their fearless second in command and MEN’S LEAGUE veteran? Well, they have 3 guys with 15 or more goals, so that helps. Coach has been having a solid bounce back year in net for them as well; this might just be the year they break their own version of the Washington Capitals curse.
The Hookers meanwhile should be starting all their players, lest they want to be involved in the play-in weekend of the playoffs for the second time in three years. Tiff, Sarah and Danilo will certainly bring it, but they’re definitely going to need Cro and Clarke to provide a secondary punch if they want to avoid the same result as the first time these two teams met. They most certainly will need a fully hyped up Lee for this match as well.
Prediction: The Hookers give it their all, but unless Fuzz is missing parts of their goal scoring trinity, I don’t see this going their way. 5-1 Fuzz.
Gut Rot at Cobra Kai – 1:30 pm, EAST
by Chairwoman Rachel and Cheekbones
Gut Rot
Scotty just turned 40, how will it affect his mental game? Probably not at all, he’s still spending his Friday nights naked and blacked out. However we met his gf Jean and she is so lovely. Also there was MAGIC at his birthday party like a magician with cards that made more disappear and stuff. Anyway, we digress. Tommy is about to have a kid in late Sept so he needs to get his team riled up and ready for playoffs before Baby Cho arrives. Did they win Sunday? We don’t know we weren’t watching. We know they played Fuzz. But Arepas and non-orange beer were more appealing. Where the f**k are the box scores?
Becca got bangs. Very cute, definitely cutest hair in this preview. Are we supposed to focus on hockey? On Wednesdays, we wear pink. Ed P continues be solid in goal, and takes some pretty good court-side photos, too.
Cobra Kai
They won seven games straight, then somehow dropped two, now came back and won six straight…blah, blah, we get it, you are very, very good. Can Gut rot end their streak? Will, Liam, LJ, Russ, more people who score goals, all very impressive. Campbell is also quite a formidable goalie, but he doesn’t take pictures court-side. They are much more lovable this season now that they’e picked up a French Canadian accent. Also so many Rachels. Who can hate a team with that many Rachels? Not us, clearly.
I wonder what happens if they stroll into Kellie’s bar this weekend? Still kissy-face and smiles? Or is Liam going to end up under the table after 45 tequila shots? GUT ROT BITCHEZZZZZ!
These two teams both play hard and clean (emphases on the clean, like they clean up the court when they are done unlike Fuzz).
What will probably happen: Cobra Kai is rill good this year and will likely take out Gut Rot handily.
What we would like to see happen: The ghost of Gut Rot 2017 comes back howling and unceremoniously destroys Cobra Kai and everyone is all “whoa.”
LBS, Inc. at Filther – 1:30 pm, WEST
By Chairwoman Rachel and Jess (ica-n’t believe you are still pronouncing the rest of my name) D
As you all know, this is the point in the season where previews get pretty lame. We at the media are kind of out of ideas. So lil’ Jess and ol’ Rachel decided to team up and give a nice little educational preview: young/old edition.
Rachel: I’m not going to go full history lesson here, but both of these teams are old. They’ve both won some championships. Some of them haven’t seemed to age, like James, still scoring all the goals. Karsten has like five kids and grey hair now, but still scores all the goals. I’d also like to point out (again), that Jason B listens to music from the 90s to make him feel like he’s in his 30s.
Jess: yeah the lbs seem like just an adequate mid-tier team whose players can get easily hypnotized by the ball. And to be honest the only thing I know about Filthier is that they wear all black and lost to Cobra Kai last week in a devastating 3-2 prediction-turned-outcome (creds to Frey for being psychic).
Alex, you are getting sleepy…
Rachel: Oh man speaking of fashion faux pas…there was the season when Filthy Gorgeous decided to unveil the off-white V-neck. Now while I’m always a fan of the deep V – that color was awful. It was like Tim Burke’s once-white shirt he wears under his gear every game for six years straight.
Thank goodness Ann showed up.
Jess: TBH off-white is only cool when it’s off-white by Virgil Abloh and I highly doubt Filthier knew the hottest street trends before they even broke, given everyone’s age (no offense).
Rachel: ok, I’m not JW…I know what off-white is. Mainly from the the Jimmy Choo collab, but whatever.
Jess: Speaking of overrated brands/things, let’s talk about this year’s scoring title, and the offensive threats both teams pose. Word on the street is Tim K is pretty scary on the courts, even though he has a soft side for his kitten Yoshi.
Rachel: Wow – those three old farts James, Sunny and Karsten are somehow in the top 10, but a bold dome can fool anyone, so somehow Scotty K is pretty high up there with the old men too, battling for #1.
Jess: No bias at all, I feel like Probert is without a doubt going to be this year’s leading scorer because he listens Kygo and Odesza before a game and not garbage music like Blink 182.
Rachel: As long as it’s not Fuzz, everyone wins. Except the courts last weekend, since those effs didn’t clean up.
Jess: Agreed. I’m pissed at Fuzz because I subbed for them, ate shit for the first time in my BTSH career, and had to shake hands during an interview with an extremely cut up hand. If I don’t get the job I’m blaming them.
Rachel: That sounds totally reasonable. But back to this game, for anyone actually reading this: here’s my last bit of old lady knowledge (also, have I told you my arthritis is acting up?), these teams are old school, but also are old school in their observation of rule #1. They ain’t dicks. Sure Ali gets pissed when someone threatens to cut her tits off, but she won’t START the fight. Erm…nevermind I should take that all back.
Jess: Yes, thank you all for joining us on this rollercoaster of a conversation, here’s our hot takes on this week’s outcome:
Overtime??
Rachel: Sure, yeah…I like OT for this one, if Tim is in net for this one and Roberts doesn’t threaten to hurt his kitten, I’m taking Filthy. Even though they should be forever shamed for the sweat stained colored Jerseys, oh yeah, and also taking Ben, Creamy and Jenna from the Butchers. Jess, what’s your call?
Jess: This is tough, but to play devil’s advocate (and mostly because the thought of those off-white jerseys makes me ill) I’ll give it to Lbs in LOL shootouts.
Instant Karma at Gremlins – 2:30 pm, EAST
by Chairwoman Rachel and Cheekbones
Tags: 2018 previews