Week 18 Previews – Part 2
Poutine Machine @ Denim Demons – 2:30 pm, WEST
(and also Denim Demons @ Poutine Machine – 12:00 pm second half of the June 10 game, EAST, but we already covered that)
I’ve got beak for weeks.
by Christo the Red-Tailed Hawk, regular communist
Caw! We’re back with another round of Hawk Talk! Greetings and ‘gurgitations from the upper third of this oak tree, where I’m waiting patiently for Sunday hockey so I can fly down and snatch your toupee! Yeah, it’s pretty convincing, but my eyesight’s keener than all you hockey wackos and besides, I’ve got the better angle. You can learn a lot about the tops of heads from up here, and many other curiosities besides, if you pay attention. For example, did you know:
- That’s not a blocker on Mike T.’s arm, it’s just a giant graham cracker…?
- Dr. Ruth is still alive, and makes a pretty good living picking up your beer cans…?
- Camden the dog is actually a naked mole rat…?
- Sam N. and Zach N. are actually the same person—you were just too drunk to realize…?
- Backwards baseball hat guys are 68% more likely to shoot and never pass…?
Sorry, fellas, that last one’s a scientific fact… I read it in a pamphlet from the Partnership for a Bro-Free NYC. And speaking of fowl play, this week features not one, not two, but one and a half matches between 2017’s top two teams for player infractions (see chart below). I expect one and a half glorious bloodbaths! It’ll be like that time I accidentally invited both Nora and Dora to the same carcass. But, to give crypsis where crypsis is due, both these teams have cleaned up their acts a little bit—or maybe they’re just saving it for the playoffs. It’s anyone’s goose. Tracy and Jerome are class auks for sure. Hopefully they can help chill their mates, especially if things get ugly in the half-game and tenders get crispy before the second one even starts.
Graphic courtesy of Friends Mountain Enterprises
One potential mitigating falcon: the stakes are just seeds, as the top and bottom teams of D3 have already mapped their migrations for 2019. Poutine will keep warming the D3 roost alongside Karma and the Gremlins. Flap for your life, though, D4 teams, because next year the Demons are coming for your young (and they’re screaming at the top of their lungs).
Incidentally these 1.5 match-ups also feature the teams with the most players of the same name (probably): Poutine has three Mikes, a Nic and a Nicolette, and goalies named AJ and RJ. Leaving aside the Fein, Klein, and two Rosens angle—the law firm joke writes itself—the Demons have at least three Zachs and two Brians. Poutine’s got a Brian too. Hot tip for the Heckle Wall: yell all those names from the sidelines and watch every player turn and say “what?”
Oh, you want my game predations? Er, predictions? Neither team’s blowing minds with the goalscoring numbers, but Poutine’s got more defensive talon, having allowed half as many goals, so you gotta give them the fledge… My final caw is that we’ll have a couple low scoring outcomes. In the full game, a pair for Poutine, including an empty nester, while the Demons lay an egg on their scoreboard. I see the Demons getting a goal in the half game. I drink and I know things.
Aaaight, this bird on your blog’s worth two in the bush. Gonna fly now, I’m meetin’ up with Ryan Spoonbill, Phil Kestrel, Artemi Canary, and Sidney Grosbeak for a 90-minute squawk at the Society for Ethical Vultures… Heads up for Sunday, I’m gonna move all the hockey babies to different strollers and see if anyone actually notices… Bird up, around the world! Christo out! Caw!
Fresh Kills (9-4-1-1) at Knife Bear Pigs (6-7-0-1), Tompkins East, 1600
by Hornswoggle
This premier division rivalry will probably be the game you’ll want to miss, honestly. Both teams are passing each other in different directions; Rachel’s crimson tide (ew) is undergoing a losing streak and Soko’s sneaker hockey starlets are experiencing an ascendancy that could land the squad in the top four for an eligible, imaginary “ball hockey Champions League” spot next season. Rachel’s pleas pre-season to me, Jo-Ann, and other Poutiners about trading division spots were all for naught, and even though they’re not doing badly—including wins over GANK, LBS, Inc., and the Rehabs—I’m sure they’ve been exhausted throughout the season. On the other side, the “blue man group” has relatively enjoyed success for the most part in this iteration of BTSH, though not in pole position.
Now I’m going to shake up my writing style a smidge by describing these teams in the style of [relatively] current K-pop songs. I’m not familiar with the BTSH community liking this genre, so click the links and see if they encourage you to appreciate Korean music and culture a bit more.
Butchers: BTS (Bangtan seonyeondan) – Go Go (Music video, lyric translation)
The Crimson Tide, over the course of 2018, has displayed a certain amount of stubbornness and swagger in the Soko division. They’ll likely be trading places with likely Caroline division winners Fuzz once we close the books for this season, but as I mentioned above, they’ve won some matches against teams with firepower, which they can clearly brag about (it’s important to boost team morale with these kinds of victories). With not much time left being in the top division, players like Tarzan, Brady, and Creamy will have to relish playing alongside some talented opponents. Similarly, BTS sings about the correlation between money and experiences in “Go Go”, in which the group promotes a laissez-faire attitude:
(Courtesy of Color Coded Lyrics)
Some might say that being in any of the divisions has no bearing on a squad’s success, and in some ways, I understand that line of thought; rosters change and styles of play (identity) changes as well. But the opposite side of the argument is that each of the four divisional rivals didn’t get to the top division merely by chance, so every divisional rivalry is an opportunity to improve individually and collectively. “We’re too young to just worry” / “For today, just go instead of worrying” means that results aren’t everything… the Butchers will probably be “killin’ it” when they’re in the second division.
Fresh Kills: Jo Kwon – Lonely (Music video, lyric translation)
Okay… why a ballad, when we’re more inclined to think that the Butchers are having a sadder season? First off, you can’t literally butcher the Butchers for their first rodeo in the premier division. Secondly, considering the record Fresh Kills had in 2017, I think this is a steeper fall since the expectations preseason couldn’t have been higher than they actually were, and this year they’ve conceded even to a second division rivalry. Notwithstanding, their roster still stands superior and the players collectively, diligently, and stubbornly—as much as the Butchers—work to get the W, more often than not this season (five of their wins are by a single goal). I’m willing to wage that the losses this year might have stirred up feelings of apprehension and anguish:
(Courtesy of Color Coded Lyrics)
In some ways, the song choice is an ode to their unblemished (in terms of regulation) record last year, and how they longed to have that form this year. 2017 certainly was unforgettable, and with the turn of a page, everything changed, leaving the players to concentrate on the present more than the past. Although Ariel and Gabe’s tally equal to Butcher’s collective tally—sans Brady and Tarzan—they still need to make more abundant their scoring opportunities; Fuzz and Filthier, respectively, have the first and second strongest partnerships this year and it may as well carry onto the playoffs. There’s not much time left this season, but it’s like that clichéd saying: “It’s about the journey, not the destination.” (Russell “The Provider” is likely reading this, scoffing, “Yeah well f*** that s*** we’re the best right now”, with Will behind him scrawling “LOL shootouts” in his Xanga.)
Prediction: Pretty nice afternoon, with light cross-breezes and fine amounts of umbrage from Tompkins trees and cloud cover. In a showdown between Timmy and Barch, Barch will have an easier time since the Knife Bear Pigs will prioritize an organized formation over a run-and-gun, dump and chase strategy. Meanwhile, Soko will tell his unit that the match will be nothing out of the ordinary, and Gabe will once again tally (à la Cejka), having been inspired by Pavel Barber. The blues will bag another two points, 4-1.
Sky Fighters at Rehabs – 4:00 pm, WEST
by Chica Malcriada
Then David said to the Philistine…
Not today y’all, Aliza, Dave, Christian and Katie showed up.
Prediction: Sky Fighters pull off the upset by slaying the Rehabs 3-2.
Mathematics at Gouging Anklebiters – 5:00 pm, EAST
by Hicks and Julius Rex
hockeystarbrian: Yo cheeky I think we have a preview to write or sumthing
hockeystarbrian: also sumhow my idiot dog got a yeast infection in her ears…do u know how i can fix this?
** JuliusREX10 Is Away **
brb… can’t get out of bed rt now bc idk if a hot dog is a sandwich
** door opening sound **
** JuliusREX10 has signed on **
JuliusREX10: We have a prview to write?… dude, i cant write another prview about Rich and Fuzz
JuliusREX10: How did ur dog get a yeast infection? Was it Chloe…I told her 2 b more responsible
hockeystarbrian: Clrly that fell on deaf ears
hockeystarbrian: And yes…apparently were writing math vs. biters preview this week – we’re in luck, no Fuzz!
JuliusREX10: lololololololololol
JuliusREX10: nice! math vs. biters! 2 teams who never catch the rain fears
hockeystarbrian: or trash fears (cough, fuzz)
JuliusREX10: cough LBS
hockeystarbrian: Its like people in the league hvn’t read rule no. 1 or something…but u know who has – both these teams!
hockeystarbrian:** cue glnzers angr here **
JuliusREX10: maybe we should have a btsh wide meeting to review the rules
JuliusREX10: WAIT… rn’t we supposed to be talking about Math and biters…not the rules of the Consenual Butt Touching Shaking Hands League?
hockeystarbrian: ahhh yes…let’s get back on topic. Who r u thinking wins this one?
JuliusREX10: idk my bff russ?…r we even allowed to have an opinion? we might get accused by Walker of being biased
hockeystarbrian: hmm good point…lets come back to that later
hockeystarbrian: Let’s start with the keys to the game. If Math is gonna win, obvi they need to keep Probie off the scoring sheet as Mega did last week (shoutout to Mega). What else will Math have to do in this one?
JuliusREX10: hmm…maybe also watch out for those ladies on D? Marko and Sarah’s bites really pack a punch.
hockeystarbrian: I think whenever u say Marko ur supposed to mention something about cheekbones?
JuliusREX10: Really…oh, I’m too distracted by Baby Oscar
hockeystarbrian: That’s fair…happens to the best of us. Also despite their being no box scores to verify this bc sum1 is too busy tweeting than do his job, apprntly biters beat FK last wknd. I feel like they’re a sneaky good team this yr.
JuliusREX10: incognito good
JuliusREX10: jump out of nowhere and pants u kind of good
hockeystarbrian: ya hate to see that
JuliusREX10: nothing like a good pantsing
JuliusREX10: wait but i thought math was pretty good this yr 2…they have that guy with the beard.
hockeystarbrian: the math nasty has been something of a roller coaster this yr. 1 wk they beat FK in OT and the nxt they lose to the rainbows in OT
hockeystarbrian: ya john has been solid for them all yr
JuliusREX10: Do u think his fishing boat will let him off the boat for this game?…and there is another guy on the team, med height, caucasian dude – i guess that describes almost evrybdy on that team minus the Norri
hockeystarbrian: yup, 0 idea who ur talking about…i know if it was eli u would’ve referenced his gooning and running over women in fake zog
JuliusREX10: Eli is a goon – absolute menace on the courts. U shld b worried, evrybdy shld b worried – call the cops bc Eli on the court is a danger to us all
hockeystarbrian: hid yo kids hid yo wife
JuliusREX10: Eli is the on the prowl
JuliusREX10: now the math ladies, thats a discussion, i feel like they r some of the most underrated chicks in BTSH…wait am I allowed to say chicks? i dont want to offend vegans, or baby chickens
hockeystarbrian: im prbly the worst person to ask. but agree w ur assessment on the math ladies. lot of hockey experience among them
JuliusREX10: a lot of grit 2. they will chase u down until u cough up the ball
hockeystarbrian: dont forget at least 1 of them is part machine
JuliusREX10: rite rite… sarah is part robot – do we have rules about allowing half human/half machines 2 play?
hockeystarbrian: as far as i know being bionic is not considered a performance enhancing drug, so no
JuliusREX10: then she’s clear to go.. i think it will be a pretty even game
JuliusREX10: on the biter side u have Phil, Marko’s cheekbones and Probie w his vry feminine waif-like build…and on Math side, u have sum determined chicks, half a robot, the Norri, a goon, a river boat guide, and a bunch of unidentifiable white dudes
hockeystarbrian: i feel like u just described my friendship circle
JuliusREX10: lololololololololol
hockeystarbrian: ya i think math will come out hungry after last wks game & this will end up being a close one
JuliusREX10: i say this game will be close all the way thrugh – maybe even an OT kind of game
hockeystarbrian: the only thing that cld cause an issue is that math seems to lose all their d00ds during the sumer…if the norri are returning this week though I’m inclined to say 3-2 math
hockeystarbrian: but sounds like we are in agreement – close game, potential math upset
JuliusREX10: in sheer concern of pple questioning our impartial status, and its 2018, im going 2 say evrybdys a winner
hockeystarbrian: i like that…participant trophies are a must
JuliusREX10: agreed – evrybdy gets a gold star for showing up
Dark Rainbows @ Mega Touch – 5:00 pm, WEST
by Charlatan Schmuck
Prediction: Mega Touch 4, Rainbows 2.
Tags: 2018 previews