Who Dunnit?!
Choose Your Own Adventures CLUE!
A note from the author: the following happened, in exact order, to the exact word, in a way I think I remembered how I interpreted it… –Hsieh
The sun was shining, my hockey sticks were in hand, and I was looking forward to the first of many relaxing Sunday summer days at Tompkins Square Park. Today was the Free Agent scrimmage, where almost every team looks to replace their entire team in order to contend against the Hookers Math Skyfighters Filthy Gorgeous and Fresh Kills for the PBR Cup. Unfortunately, for the 18 other teams–this never happens–and there are only 1-2 good players to pick from.
However, as excited as I was, I always know whenever I am longing for a relaxing day of ball hockey, Rich Glanzer usually ruins it. And that’s what happened. He instantly found me and told me how someone has placed ads online in his likeness. I don’t know what he is talking about; I tell him that any PR is good PR, especially if your name is Rich Glanzer. “I’m looking to sue! You need to find out who has done this, Hsieh!” he clamors, and wanders off to watch Gabe.
So, here is where the story begins…
Where do you go when you have no clue where to start and you’ve been tasked by Rich Glanzer to do something?! The first place you go in Tompkins when you have a tinkling cross your mind is… The Tompkins Square Bathrooms, dummy. I headed down the path, passed a few homeless people, and walked into a green, smelly bathroom, with a urinal that looked like it has been bagged and broken for about 1 and 1/4 BTSH seasons.
I found a man in tight, 1980’s sportswear, wearing odd Vegan socks, loitering in the corner, trying to score some Falafel. “I’ll do anything fo’ some of dat crushed, fried hummus?!” “Anything?!” I said. I knew he was serious; his Vegan socks were a tell all. “I’ll give you my leather belt; the veeeegan side of me says that I should just throw it away, but the thriiiifty side of me says, ‘chickpeas!’”
“Okay, I’ll score you a falafel ball, but I’m looking for someone… someone who has wronged a child.”
“I know who you’re looking for, first and foremost, find the extremely tall, lanky fella, who towers over most, and is the best looking person in the league. Actually—he’s the second best looking person, the first is a captain named Derek. Keep it on the DL, but Derek previously won that title in a game of skeeball at the league bar, ACE.”
It was a good lead, the man looked suspicious right off the bat, almost Russian, but my instincts thought Ukrainian descent. “Excuse me, sir, I need to interrogate you. What is your name?”
“Ben Chadwick, but you can call me Chadtrick, after I score one goal, get one assist, hurt my back, and have Rich yell at me at least 10 times.”
“Okay, Chadtrick, I understand you work in the computer industry in some programmatic capacity, and are seemingly the smartest person in the league.”
“No, I used to be the smartest person in the league, but one night I got really drunk and met a captain named Derek at ACE bar, who saw how under the influence I was and took advantage of me, stealing that title from me in a game of skeeball at the league bar, ACE.”
“I see—I guess it could not have been you at all! Damn, well can you please point me to another person?”
“Yeah, get off my back, you need to interrogate a group of brothers, who have gained notoriety by trolling Glanzer, so much so, that he developed Stockholm Syndrome and began to like them. They actually don’t like him, but feel bad for the guy, so, well… The leader goes by the name of Zach. Despite him holding a hockey stick right now, he’s talking to Rich about a triple A baseball team that plays at Citi Field, makes terrible trades, pays too much for old players, and somehow has continued to exist as a franchise.”
I approached this brother named Zach–happy to know we had likely found the perpetrator. When I inquired about if he placed the ads, was friends with Rich, or enjoyed PS1 MoMA exhibits, a “fuck-off no” was all I got.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u-3uyRyAYpg
The path was now cold. Who else could it have been? They say the criminal always returns to the scene of the crime—could it be Cruff & Bloom, possibly even Bernstein?! Such conviction from both parties on Facebook suggest it. Could it be the newest person to join the league, walking in like he owned the place—and none other than James Stewart?! Or, even Rich’s prom date—did he have one—who else would use such an outdated photo from him in high school to put the ad up?! Was Craig LaCombe Rich’s prom date?
Choose Your Own Adventures CLUE, you decide:
A. Was Craig LaCombe Rich’s prom date?
B. Is Chadtrick being shady and should be further interrogated?
C. Interrogate Jenna Cruff—she was the first to alert the public of this heinous crime
D. Question The Authority (Rich, Derek, & Eli)—they can never be ruled out
E. Who drank my entire, half-gallon bottle of juice at my new apartment two weekends ago, while I was out of town? Interrogate Suz to find out?
That was fantastic.