btsh.org

by cristo_the_hawk

In the spirit of #content, we are bringing the blacktop denizens a MDW/post mother’s day/pre father’s day themed article. Prepare yourselves for mostly cute and some cringe-worthy baby pics of your fellow BTSHers! Try to guess who’s who—we’ll have an answer key down below but we’ll give you a hint to which team they’re on. Note: We tried to get someone from every team but understandably not everyone wants their baby photos blasted into the interwebs, and for that, we thank all of y’all who shared!

1) Hint: Cobra Kai

2) Hint: Fresh Kills

3) Hint: Vertz

4) Hint: Sky Fighters

5) Hint: Dark Rainbows

6) Hint: Demons

7) Hint: Gremlins

8) Hint: Lbs

9) Hint: Demons

10) Hint: Biters

11) Hint: Biters

12) Hint: Demons

13) Hint: Bad Seeds

14) Hint: Bad Seeds

15) Hint: Dark Rainbows

16) Hint: Mega Touch

Hint: Commissioner

ANSWERS: 1) Campbell 2) Meg 3) Russo 4) Jake K 5) Wagner 6) Tracy 7) Marcella 8) Hilary 9) Neil 10) Sarah M

11) Probie 12) Sammi 13) Scott K 14) Heather 15) Jess 16) Alex EM 17) Russ

by Russ

We (your media overlords) gave Glnzr off for his birthday today (HAPPY BIRTHDAY RICH) and unfortunately commissioner Russ decided to fill in for writing stars this week.

Third Star – Ben Chadwick

Ben scored all of the goals for both teams in the Mega vs. Butchers game. Just like Lou Williams, whose shoes Chadwick was rocking during the game, he was coming off the bench just dominating play. He was so good an unnamed former Olympian broke her stick in frustration and said “He’s the best I’ve ever seen!” After the game, a former unnamed Yale hockey alumni was overheard saying “I don’t know why I went to play at Yale…I should have gone wherever he was trained.”

Second Star – Craig & da Biters

Without the presence of their star captain “Ben Bachelor Party”, Craig and his ragtag group of bitters took down a formidable Fresh Kills team in a shootout in spite of the best efforts of “George the goal scoring goalie”* who put in a hat trick. But at the end of the day it was the veteran leadership of Chewy, Joe P, and “shot blocking Sarah” that took home the glory. 

*Editor’s note: I’m pretty sure ROTY ’21 Louis is the goalie of the FK Five but we’ll just have to settle this at 7B on a random saturday night.

First Star – Cheeky, Nico, and Scottiieee (blink 182 guy)

They all refereed 3 games on sunday! What a performance! Yes, they may make $20 for drinking cold beers while they are reffing (and you can too!!) But that’s not why they are doing it. They are doing it to give back to a league that gives so much to them, and It’s important that we all remember that this league can only run if we ALL put in! And while there are some teams (Filthier) who forget the importance of having some of their players ref, we still know that they are good people and will come around eventually, because at the end of the day we want the same thing –  two people on neither team that we can blame the result on. And it’s only by signing up to ref that you can  help people achieve their dreams or give them an excuse for why things didn’t go their way.

Honorable mention:

Rubins – who got taken down and took a gnarly slide on the pavement, but got up tapped himself up and went out there to finish the game. 

Allison and Roberts –  for taking the time to give back and reffing their first game this week.

Rich & Walsh – played some lockdown D in their win over a very sexy Cobra Kai team.

Mia – For being the Ice queen and bringing ice for the people.

Russell – he looked really jacked and had a hot sexy sick goatee and it totally gave the courts the feel of an exclusive night club.*

Editor’s note: first-hand eye-witness accounts state he didn’t actually look that jacked

by various media members

Gremlins v Rainbows

Hornswoggle: If Erich captains the team, first thing he’ll do is rename it “Grahamlins”. Sorry, Jess, I got the team in dijon mustard snagging two points. I’ll be glad if you prove me wrong.

Hicks: Having just played the bows this past Sunday, I can say that is a solid team. Good goaltending, good attitudes, and a bunch of people with really good shots. If the vertz didn’t have Tim in net, our game with them would’ve been way closer. Bows by 3.

Agents v Bad Seeds

23andMia: If The Agents were on a dinner date, they’d have had one bad cocktail and are waiting for appetizers in awkward silence. All to say, establishing chemistry can take time. Something sparks by the end of the main course, but till then, Bad Seeds 5-1.

Steven: I played Bad Seeds last week and they are good. Their offense produced some impressive scoring opportunities while their defense and goaltending was able to keep Karma to three goals. That said, three players from the Agents met us out at Ace for beers and it was really nice to meet them. Bad Seeds win by 4, but hope to see the Agents at the bar. 

CATT: Three agents at the bar means three goals for the agents. It’s a direct correlation. There were no Bad Seeds at the bar, so they probably won’t score at all. On the other hand, they also seemed to put back a few at the courts…not sure what that correlates to. Either 3-0 agents or 4 (twelve packs)-3, with Bad Seeds taking the W. 

Riots v Skyfighters Sky Fighters

Glnzr: I just hope someone finally punches Walker in both eyes so he doesn’t see you spelled the Sky Fighters with one word again. Also I just really want Walker punched, obv. 3-2 Sky Fighters. 

Hornswoggle: yeah nahhh I want him to see single-worded Skyfighters until his eyes fall out of his sockets… much less painful than being punched. Anyway, Skyfighters seem to be on a tear for their first two matches and the Riots, despite the loss to the Hookers, are showing a marked improvement compared to last season. This will be a tight game, but I see the Riots causing a shake-up in the fourth division ranks with a dub.

Steven: The Sky Fighters are the real deal. First they defeat the Demons, then they frustrate Filthier. How do they handle their toughest challenge yet? It comes down to whether the Fighters can rely on (i) KG to execute its fast paced transition strategy; and (ii) Mike Stern to score from half court again. Obviously Suz, Vanck and the rest of the Riots have other plans. They normally run three women on the court at once, talk about a power play. The pundits are asking whether Ian and Margot can make the difference? Or will the Riots rely on secondary scoring from Chunky Monkey their 4 week old kitten mascot who apparently loves drinking from the bottle of glory. 

23andMia: Thisisgonnabeagoodgame

Mega Touch v Butchers

JW: Man I miss Erich on the rink. Oops, is this preview not about the Gremlins? My mistake. Mega Touch are way better than in years past. We played them Week 1 and they were absolutely stifling. The Butchers are having a rough time, but rumour has it that Rachel, Arthur, and Ellis are coming this Sunday. Will Ben, Jessie, and Lionel also come? These are the only things I care about with regard to this game. 

23andMia: Butcher babies are in tow Sunday. Due to all the cuteness, everyone forgets about playing, tugging toes and pinching cheeks when Julie and Olivier’s toddler breaks away, scores a goal, and celebrates in French… game on! Alok continues his streak, Courtney/Shelly/Tash do great things and Mega wins 4-2.

Anklebiters v Fresh Kills

Jess: The Biters hung tough with Fuzz in a 22 round OT shootout yet lost to Mega by 1 goal last weekend (sans Probie). Either Mega is way better than we are all giving them credit for (def true), the Biters can’t win without Probie (def not true) or the blacktop is a cruel mistress and most games can really be up in the air with who wins unless there’s a huge skill deficit. Fresh Kills has an attendance problem so it’s quite a toss up but I’ll still give this one to them, 4-2. 

CATT: guess who started the migration to ace last week? It’s the same person who will score the GWG this week: SARAH MOORE. 4-3 biters.

Demons v Poutine

Jess: shin bones will be broken 

Russo: Both teams are out for more blood than usual this week. Poutine’ coming off a 6-1 loss, and Demons, 9-2. Until Demons can shore up their defense, gotta give the edge to Poutine here. Expect Demon Yeff to have a goal waived off for being in the crease, and Poutine to edge out a high-scoring affair, 6-4.

Glnzr: Karina went to school with my niece so I’m gonna go with 4-3 Poutine. 

23andMia: Can’t stop this feeling that with the Tompkins cracks wider than ever, someone is going to get really hurt by getting their foot caught in a gap and twisting an ankle or jamming their stick in a crack and gouging themselves. There’s a hint of worry this might happen during this match up, which will be undoubtedly hard fought. Do I play Demon’s advocate and say Red takes it? They’ll put up a good fight for sure, but I predict Jerome’s fancy footwork will carry Poutine to safety and the win.

Cobra Kai v Fuzz

Jess: wowowow the rematch from last szn’s finals. #teamsig i’ll try to not be biased but *screaming seagull meme* lets goooo cobra kai. Sadly I think fuzz may take this in another heartbreaker but they’ll have to win it in OT, 3-2. 

Glnzr: I don’t know this meme. But I do know I want revenge for CK beating us in  2019 and 2021. Hope Casca plays in nets bc I don’t like Campbell’s vibes* and I want to score on Casca now that we are D5 teammates. 3-2 Fuzz in regulation.

Steven: Fuzz was the opening team yet did nothing to help set up. 

Glnzr: Hey…if Fresh Kills don’t have to pay their bar tab why should we have to set up?

*Editor’s note: the current state of Campbell’s vibes being good or bad is yet to be determined. 

Meatbox Edit: Campbell’s vibes are always good.

Hookers v Lbs

Hornswoggle: Can I say it? I’ma say it. Hookers getting pounded, boys.

Hicks: WELCOME TO POUND TOWN

Jess: Alright I guess it’s up to me to write something coherent. At this point in the season it’s tough to make comparisons but historically, Hookers > Demons. HOWEVER the Lbs taking the Demons to “pound town” last weekend and the Hookers too-close-for-comfort game vs The Riots has me thinking this game will still be a regulation win in the Lbs’ favor 4-1 if they arrive at full roster strength. Next time someone else do this game preview/ please stop making me write nice things about the Lbs or Frey might think I’m actually rooting for them to win the PBR cup this year. 

Glnzr:  Jess” please stop making me write nice things about the Lbs or Frey might think I’m actually rooting for them to win the PBR cup this year.” JESS IS ROOTING FOR FUZZ!!!*

*Editor’s note: no i am not

Karma v WTP

Russo: Feel like Karma and WTP play each other every other week. 

23andMia: Know what you mean, these are two well-matched teams: skilled, smart and each blessed with good hair. So, if they did play against each other every other week, it might go to Karma one week and WTP the other. If the mighty brother-sister duo Cory and Bri show up, Karma takes it 3-2 in regulation. If not, possibly another shoot out for WTP a la Week 1.

CATT: I subbed for WTP last week for karma points… as in, I am literally hoping WTP forgets which team I’m on and passes to me so that I can score actual points for Karma… However, it’s far more likely that I create general chaos in the D-zone, Steve’s hair makes at least four saves, and Stabel scores the GWG on an inbounds from Bill. 1-0 Karma.

Vertz v Filthier

Glnzr: Oh no, after Vertz dismantled the Rainbows it appears I was wrong and they did steal all our good players. We’re all doomed. But on the other hand…Filthier won’t be tired from reffing so I think I’ll go 5-0 Vertz instead of 7. 

Steven: Poor Tim K was probably promised he would only face 8 shots with a highly charged and talented Vertz team in front of him. Yet, last week he bailed out his team with about two dozen huge saves while Jack and Hicks got the glory for scoring a few goals. This week, he plays his former team, who underwent a near complete turnover in personnel. Vertz win big.

Hicks: I wonder if either team will ask for league subs given it’s the weekend before MDW. That would be a bold move for sure. 

_____________________________

by cat

Rise and shine BTSH campers! Hope everyone enjoyed a summery Sunday, with an honorable mention to Hicks for best dressed, the man knows how to dress for the weather (kicking off my first Stars write-up the way I want, with an HM in my second sentence). Hicks: Please share buylinks in the comments, thanks in advance.

I’m still acquainting myself with this season’s team dynamics, new players, etc. and sadly Steve isn’t feeding me any information so I have to just wildly conjecture instead. This week we had interdivisional games so there were a lot of blowout wins and a couple of fun upsets – smell the drama!!! 

THIRD STAR – Brandon

One of the closer game scores of the day was Riots vs Hookers, with Hookers narrowly beating Riots 4-3 – the so-called media was split on predictions for this one, the Riots are having a glow-up so beating a D2 team didn’t seem so impossible, but in the end they fell short and Hookers finished first.

Congrats to Brandon, a new addition to the Hookers who scored his first ever BTSH goal! 

SECOND STAR – Greg

Skyfighters have consistently been growing from year to year in confidence, morale, talent, Emily’s pushup count – and they showed this Sunday that their star will continue to rise. They were the underdogs against Filthier but they set an early lead and were able to maintain in the second, with a final score of 4-2. 

Probably could have given the star to any number of Skyfighters players but this week it goes to Greg who sniped a goal early in the game, setting the whole tone. 

FIRST STAR – Alok

I don’t think anyone is stupid enough to underestimate Mega Touch in the year of our lord 2022 but it is still always impressive to watch them pull off a so-called upset. This was a hard fought match up though granted the Biters were probably deeply hungover from their team dinner the previous evening. 

Alok hasn’t played recently but shook off the cobwebs and scored both of MT’s goals against the Anklebiters, securing their win in a 2-1 game!

Honorable Mention

The children, the ‘future’ if you will, of BTSH – Walsh’s daughters helped set up and when Cheeky’s co-ref was too hungover to show up, Liza’s son Harley did a superlative job filling in during the Karma/Bad Seeds game.

Not Star

Lol Russ what did you do to the attendance Google form

by cat, glnzr, hicks, alex, steven, russo, jess, hornswoggle, cage

Alrightyyy we’ve got a new way of doing previews this year where a handful of media members give their thoughts. Everyone was incredibly eager this week so what you see below is a clusterf*ck of media opinions; in the coming weeks it should be a bit more tame with the inevitable mid-season media fatigue (but no promises).

Poutine v Fuzz

Cat: i missed week 1 to have a dionysian wine-soaked trip in italy so i have literally no idea who is even on poutine anymore but BOO FUZZ.

Glnzr: I was about to say happy bday to you but now forget it. Beef back on.

Hicks: Why is RichiePoo’s Ref School after this game?

Alex: Because there’s a good chance that after this game, no one will ever want to ref again. 

Steven: If you leave poutine out too long, the cheese curdles and the fries get droopy and soggy.  I think you can use the same words to describe the old men that play for Fuzz. Fuzz wins in a droopy and soggy game that breaks the league record for stick infractions. 

Vertz v Rainbows

Russo: It’s the MEDIA BOWL (sponsor pending). Co-editor v co-editor. How will we ever write a non-biased write-up for this? 

Jess: If you thought I wasn’t going to comment on my own preview you thought wrong. While I would love to say it’s upset szn, the Rainbows have sustained a few injuries and absences right off the bat. With Mike S in goal and Dan finally back it should be a closer match. 

Hicks: it’s almost like Jess requested this matchup in a captains meeting.* Vertz in 5.

Glnzr: We all were furious and livid when the Vertz stole our players**. But after their Week 1 performance, it appears all the players they stole sucked, and we should thank the Vertz. Thank you, Vertz! Rainbows 4-3. 

Hornswoggle: Still waiting on Jack to “delete” those emails so he can come back to Poutine. Ah wait, fuck it, he doesn’t play defense anyway***, keep him. Camp counselor Cat to score OTW.

*editor’s note: the Rainbows captains were insistent they would not be afraid of the Vertz in the captains meeting and this is what we get tbh 

**editor’s note: Andrea left fuzz on her own volition 

***editor’s note: jack has terrible cardio form

Bad Seeds v Karma

Cat: i’m a big fan of a successful rebrand, as Bad Seed seems to be pulling up with a new name/new look/and an easy victory at launch. However, media loyalty to ex-EIC Isaac compels me to root for Karma. I think Karma is also objectively still the more talented team at the moment and i suppose tEcHnIcAlLy previews are supposed to be about game outcome so like sure 3-1 win for Karma. fin.

Hicks: Karma should win this, but Steve Friedman is a Thomas Greiss fan which really makes me question his judgment in goalie quality. 

Cage: Speaking as a different goalie that Steve is a fan of, I also question his judgment. However, that  does not change the fact that Steve could win this without us in front of him. He’s that good. 3-0 Karma.

Demons v Lbs

Hicks: thinking about this game makes my ankles hurt.

Jess: Last week the Lbs barely had anyone and yet the terrifying combo of Avery x Sam was enough to get it done. With a fuller squad I’d anticipate an easier Lbs win. But they should all pray 4 their ankles re: jeff.

Alex: There were other LBS players there too 🙁 But yes as long as Avery and Sam survive LBS Dinner which happens to be the night before this game, I feel good about it.  Speaking of which, can’t ever miss an opportunity to insert this piece of gold from our last team dinner.

Content warning: puke

Mega Touch v Anklebiters

Glnzr: If this goes to a shootout, my money is on Mega! But if it doesn’t 4-2 Anklebiters. 

Cage: Having last frolicked on the courts with you all during the 2019 season, I can say with a lot of confidence that I am probably not equipped to pass judgment on any games that I’m not directly involved in. Fortunately for the Media, not knowing enough about something has never stopped me from having a take. So like any lawyer, I did a smack of googling and will base my preview off of an Arrested Development themed pre-covid BTSH preview (https://btsh.org/media/week-i-think-isaac-said-15-previews).

In one corner you have the biters as “Maggie Lizer”, “because…they aren’t exactly what they seem. Sure, they are the fun, old school BTSH bunch that we have always loved, but underneath they are a venerable POWERHOUSE team, at this point.” 

Unfortunately for Mega, in the other corner we have…”Ann.” (Mega, sorry to @you like this…blame the author of that preview: Bitcoin Rush). Incredibly, the author of that preview remembered Bland’s last name and included it. I switched tabs and forgot it so here we are. I have nothing of substance to say about Egg…neither did Bitcoin Rush (I’m guessing… once again, I completely forgot what he/she wrote when I switched tabs).

Since it’s me, and I love Julia Louis Dreyfus, I have to go 4-2 biters. That is, of course, assuming that they remember they have a game against “…her?” 

Steven: Cage, I love you but have no clue what you are talking about. VIVA SARAH MOORE scores the game winner. Biters 5 Mega 3.  

Hornswoggle: Sarah will be fuming when the Blues concede the FA Cup Final to the Reds. So much so that she’ll probably notch a Gordie Howe hat trick—with the “fighting” simply as banter against the other team. Schuie’s team gets the dub.

Riots v Hookers

Jess: Coming off a 9-0 victory to The Agents it will be interesting to see what the Riots do when faced with a real challenge. I still think the Hooker take this one 5-1 but this may be a new and improved Riots team to shake up the lower divisions. 

Alex: The Riots are going to be one of the top D4 teams strictly on the basis of adding Ramirez, a top 3 goalie in the league.  But the Hookers are just a much better team at every other key position.  I don’t know if they’re scoring five on Eric but they likely won’t give up more than 1 and should cruise to victory here.

Steven: I am not very good at math, but I do know this. (Amy Jones + Ramirez)/Hookers with Injured Cheeky = A Riot on Our Hands. Riots 5 Hookers 4 in a close one. 

Agents v WTP

Russo: Do we know anybody on The Agents yet? More like Secret Agents, amiright?? *buh dum tss* 

With an unknown Captain, an unknown superstar, and an unknown all-around team, they’re looking more and more like the Seattle Kraken. The most important factor in determining what the Media thinks of the new guys (and gals) is can they hang? If you’re on The Agents, identify yourself and what type of beer you like—see you courtside!

Cat: yeah i wouldn’t count on a redemption week for the agents, especially after WTP put the Vertz in their place on opening day, but who knows??? And russo’s right it’s time to haze i mean welcome the fresh meat with courtside beers because ~that’s what it’s all about~

Glnzr: Jesus Cat, why don’t you give them a star? Newbies buy the beers not us. 

Hornswoggle: “Agents”? More like age ain’t an issue. Seems their “de facto” captain is a noticeably older gentleman who, in Week 1, wasn’t afraid to delegate responsibilities and dig in the trenches despite the shellacking. They’ll likely get another L, but not without developing a bit more chemistry than they did in the last game.

Cat: glanzer, if friedman emails me to give the agents a star, i will give them a star.

Filthier v Skyfighers 

Glnzr: Hope Filthier forgets they can’t wear their blues and it’s mass confusion. Either way, 5-2 win by Sky assuming Wes shows. 

Jess: We neglected to report on a very important off szn move by Rockoff, his friend, and Cody (who I am now going to refer to as the Salt Boyzz 2.0) to Filthy. I’m going to disrespectfully disagree with Rich and say Filthier takes it by 1 goal.

Hicks: I’ll break the tie by siding with Glnzr. Skyfighters take this one in OT.

Alex: If this league had an official sportsbook this would be an amazing game to bet on: Filthier would be favored due to public perception, name recognition and the offseason pickups of the “Salt Boyzz 2.0” and I would absolutely hammer a scrappy and motivated Skyfighters team to pull the upset.  Now that Glanzer and Hicks rudely picked Sky before I even had the chance to open this god forsaken Google Doc, I’m not sure if I can really call it an upset, but I’m sticking with this team of young D5 vets to finish top 10 in the standings for the 2nd straight year.

Steven: Emily and the Skyfighters come out swinging and knock Filthier around like a llama shaped pinata filled with nips of tequila. Skyfighters 5, Filthier 0. 

Fresh Kills v Butchers

Glnzr: Overused Simpsons Meme

Steven: This sounds like a violent match up. A team with ‘kills’ in their name versus a team named after killers. To the dismay of all the fun people in the league, Fresh Kills draws first blood and the Butchers can’t stop the bleeding. FK 7, Butchers 1

Cat: really bad slasher film crossover energy tbh

Cobra Kai v Gremlins

Cat: the new girl on CK is a phenom, neutralizing Campbell’s notoriously bad vibes. Is jamie back?!?!?! Regardless, gremlins need to shake off last season still. I don’t see a win for yellow.

Glnzr: Screw Sig. 2-0 CK. (I had 3-0 but he just sent me a mean text so I deducted a goal from CK.)

Steven: Rumor has it that the Gremlins may have lost their way last season. How do they get back on track? Would suggest the following three step program:

1- Allison must log more minutes than Walker

2- Sign big dude free agents that are bald and wear fitted baseball hats while playing

3- Pay the scheduler to cancel the game against Cobra Kai

Dojo wins 5-0

Hornswoggle: I’m disappointed that Charlotte left me, now I’m the only Jersey kid left on my team. I hope Erich is back so CK gets beat.

We hope you enjoyed this circus! See you Sunday.