btsh.org

Butchers v Poutine

Dingle: And so the era of a Sully-less Poutine begins. After one of our brilliant media writers nearly predicted the exact outcome of last week’s game, where do we go from here? Butchers are the last team still looking for Win #1 on the year, and Poutine top the BTSH standings with 12 points and an impressive 6-1 record. Trap game for Poutine? Possibly, but expect Poutine to roll in a lopsided win. 

Cat: Not to put too fine a point on it, this is the top ranked team vs the lowest ranked team. The winningest team vs. the losingest team. Don’t think this is the week that Butchers breaks their streak, sadly. 

23andMia: I’ve had a day so will amuse myself by suggesting DIY gifts “losing” teams can give Jess for her birthday: The Butchers pony up Brady, who pin pricks a tattoo on Jess old school style. Brady is annoyed by his team’s loss, so his touch is a little rough. Jess does not flinch.

Riots v Rainbows

Hicks: riots need a win in this one to avoid falling too far behind the Skyfighters in D4. Meanwhile the Rainbows need to stack a few wins together down the stretch to avoid the play in round. Given the Riots’ impressive turnaround this year, I’m betting on them to win this one and ruin Jess’s birthday. 

CATT: Can everyone win? I feel like everyone should win. Both teams are full of nice people who are good at hockey but keep it very civil. I have no doubt that the Riots could win, but now you’ve mentioned Jess’s birthday I imagine they forfeit the game to the ‘bows as a gift and have a friendly mixed team scrim instead. 

Hookers v Karma 

Hicks: don’t look now, but Karma has lost 2 of 3 and suddenly D2 looks wide open. This is a week one rematch and while it’s very tough to beat a team twice, my gut tells me that Karma is taking this one. 3-1. 

23andMia: Agreed on the above so The Hookers offer up a crafty dress made of Cro’s* many, many empties. 

Editor’s note: the media has confirmed, Cro is still on the Hookers despite barely showing up for games and talking ridiculous amounts of shit on facebook for a guy who hasn’t scored a goal all season.

Jess: I think the Hookers’ ladies edge out Karma’s ladies while the dudes are a pretty evenly matched with team chemistry and skill. Hookers have had some tough luck lately but if they have the right personnel I think they can capitalize on Karma’s recent losses (plus no AK or Derek) and pull off the win 2-1.

Cobra Kai v Lbs

Jess: Last time these two teams faced off everyone was at Russ’ stupid bachelor party. This should be a more exciting game now that The Dojo is at full strength. I am also looking forward to the Hilary v Charlotte matchup. Childhood friends, now enemies!!!

Cat: So far LBS has only lost to Fuzz (god that’s embarrassing) and the only team to come close on the scoreboard was CK. Cobra Kai will be geared up for a redemption match, this one should be hard fought and just an itsy bitsy chippy. I think the dojo will be fired up enough to come out on top.

23andMia: CK offers a Commish as redemption for their by-a-hair loss. Russ does a tight 15 to make Jess laugh. When the birthday lady is not amused at jokes that don’t land, she sprays Russ in the face with a water gun like a bad cat.

Demons v Mega Touch

Hicks: don’t look now, but Mega is making a run for the D3 crown in their first year in the divison. The demons have the talent to keep pace, but they aren’t jersey thieves (I got you Jess) and in this game it’s that complete disregard for the law that’ll get mega the win (did I just make the demons look rulebook friendly?). 

Glnzr: Hicks, you don’t have to start every preview with don’t look now. As for this game…Demons have the better offense and Mega has the better D. Though…Mega has some unknowns that are very good so maybe they have the better O as well? I’ll go with Mega 3-2. 

Cat: Not sure Rich is entitled to doling out editorial advice, generally speaking. AS FOR THIS GAME, yeah honestly Mega 3-2 seems fair if not maybe being a little generous to the Demons. Also I should hope Mega puts away their pink jerseys against a red team, and I should FURTHER hope it’s for good because wtf steppin on Rainbows fashion turf.

WTP v Vertz

Glnzr: Vertz is looking for revenge after WTP sent them into a season-long tailspin (I’m assuming as I’m writing this preview after Week 1). My money is on WTP to win the rematch.  

Jess: Obligatory ‘don’t look now’ for Hicks – That new guy Phil on WTP should give the Vertz a run for their money but OTHER NEW GUY Simon on the Vertz is pretty freakin’ good at defense. He has a literal Poutine tattoo so personally, I think he’s on the wrong team, but who knows what #poachingszn will bring. WTP wins it in OT. 

Cat: ‘New Guy Simon’ just had a big bonding weekend in Buffalo with staple WTP-ers Hogg, Butler, and Tarnow so idk will he be able to bring the fire against his new BFFs??

Fresh Kills v Anklebiters
Jess: Let the record show that the media made a “mistake” when we said Louis was the “worst”* Fresh Boy and it’s actually George. (Sorry George but I’m trying to cop that wedding invite). But also since last week’s power rankings was spent stroking both these team’s egos it should be a fun game to watch. I always love rooting for the underdog (even though it’s hard to call the Biters underdogs) but I hope they win it 2-1.

*Editor’s note: if by the worst we mean still in the top 15% of players in the league, then sure, they’re all the worst.

Glnzr: I was torn to shreds for complimenting the Biters in the Rankings. But they beat FK with no Probie, took 3 out of 4 points from Fuzz but did get destroyed by the Lbs. I think Cinderella wants her slipper back. I’m disgusted I know that reference. Pause. FK 5, Biters 2.

23andMia: This should be a super fun game to watch… the Biters unfortunately lose. Worky is pulled away from Jersey to sing for Jess. She cries a little at the beauty of it all, then sends Worky back across the river to further plan OC.

Fuzz v Filthier

Dingle: Grab some popcorn and head to the West court at 4:15, because we’ve got a good one—and not just for heckling Fuzz. Two well-rounded teams duking it out in what very well could be a playoff matchup. 

Fuzz have won the last three championships, blah, blah, blah, but Filthier have held their own just fine so far this season without long-time stalwarts James and Anne. In a finger to the wind prediction, I have this one going to a shootout, and Filthier pulling off the upset, 3-2. Can’t wait to get a text from Glnzr about this one. 

Jess: I think you mean a 2am email.

Glnzr: I find it so funny that James and Anne are always the only people mentioned in a Filthier preview. Fuzz 4-0. 

23andMia: Danielle, Kate, Nikki, Ellie, Sunny, Alex and JJ use their industriousness to whip up a birthday cake for Jess using only protein bars they pillage from players waiting for the All Star game. Jess proclaims the mush “delish” and Filthier comes out winners despite their loss.

Agents v Gremlins

Glnzr: So in year 1 of existence the Agents get a prime spot before the ASG and Ace party? Meanwhile a team like the Rainbows who have been here forever has the first game and only the biggest of losers will hang around all day. For shame Media…for shame. Also 4-3 Gremmies.

Jess: I’m not doing this preview I’m just saying it’s my birthday Sunday and I will be hanging out all day with my friends/teammates and you just ruined my birthday by calling me a loser so thanks. 

Glanzr: IT IS NOT YOUR BIRTHDAY THIS SUNDAY, YOU LIAR!!!*

*Editor’s note: if you drink until midnight, it is technically

Sky Fighters v Bad Seeds

Hicks: the sky fighters should win this game, but if it goes to a shootout all bets are off. Skyfighters 5, Seeds 2.

Dingle: I put together a little treat for those of you who have gotten this far. An original Haiku: 

“I enjoy hockey. 

All Star Game is right after,

let’s drink some cheap beer.” -Dingle McCringle

Cat: That’s beautiful, Dingle.

by Glnzr, Meatbox, Arya Stark, & Jess

Jess: Alright folks it’s officially halfway through the season and The Media is giving the people what they want: Mid Season Power Rankings by everyone’s favorite consortium of media men!!!!

Glnzr: Before we get started, I invited Jess because I feel we need a women’s touch, and also someone who will over-rate teams like the Riots, who are doing great, but in a lower division.

Jess: ignoring the lightly sexist comment, I’m also here to correct your grammar. It’s a woman’s touch not women, the plural form of woman. Also, I missed a slam dunk on making some joke about you and a woman’s touch BUT I DIGRESS.

Glnzr: Before we start, I think I’m going to put the Vertz at 19.

Alex: I think you ranked the Vertz too high. In all seriousness, I am going to take this assignment seriously as if this writeup was being read by people who actually care about hockey rankings even though I know Jess is rolling her eyes as we speak.

Some good players but not people (except Ryan Hughes) play on these teams

1. Fuzz. 

Alex: Like the Tampa Bay Lightning, I don’t expect them to really start playing their best game til the playoffs start.  And until someone knocks them off or Jeff finally moves to Florida, they have to stay in the #1 spot by default – everybody knows the rules.  And if they really do add the NBHL ringer goalie from NJ to their playoff roster, we are all fucked.

Rich: Jeff and Alexa have a beautiful home in Jersey. Stay out of our real estate issues, unless you know of better condos in Ronkonkoma.
Jess: I would like to enact a league-wide ban on NJ-ers and Long Islanders and see what happens for fun.

Hicks: do we still do the “fuzz!” thing on social media or is that over since they’ve won three in a row? Asking for Eli.
Jess: no and thank you for reminding me to leave their fan page 

2. Ver…just kidding. Lbs.
   Rich: Sam/Avery are best 1-2 punch in league. Roberts is great role player. Kelsey/Hilary are tight on D and of course Cherie. Liz stole $7.
   Jess: Rich how could you forget Scott 

Alex: we are sexy
Jess: Alex knows how much I love rooting against the Lbs but I think they’re one of the few teams that could actually beat Fuzz this year (talent + determination + penchant for chugging sangria at Patrizia’s) and win the cup. I hope it happens for the sake of Frey’s mental health and so we can all publicly dunk on Fuzz in the media next season.

Hicks: if Lbs win it all this year, we need “welcome to pound town 2022” shirts made asap. 

3. Fresh Kills.
   Rich: Breaking news. This reporter heard Gabe offer to fly Meg back if they make semis/finals. And then he went from offering to fly her back to paying for only half of it. No (hicks edit: lol, it’s know, rich) your worth, Meg. That said, this team is insanely good. When Ariel is your worst guy…well it’s better than Fuzz’s worst guy. If they ever won any games, I’d rank them higher.
   Alex: a sick collection of young talent and grizzled vets like Ariel and Gabe (sorry Gabey, you’ve ascended to old man mentioned alongside Ariel status and yes I know you’re only one year older than me). That said the losses of Meg and Ryan are huge and Lily has ghosted more people at this point than actual ghosts.
   Jess: Frey, you keep adding 2 spaces after your periods and it’s really annoying to correct. Did you use a typewriter or something, you can’t be that old?? Anyways yeah FK is really good and if Louis is the ‘worst’ of the Fresh Boys then that should give you people some idea of how annoying it is to play these guys. But I will say sometimes they forget this isn’t ice hockey or whatever the rules are in Canada and it costs them some plays.
   Alex: I’ve never used a typewriter!

Also a contender to win in 2022

4. Cobra Kai. 

Alex: an uncharacteristically poor start to the season but all their losses have been to top teams and attendance issues have plagued them.  Don’t care what their record is, they’ll step it up come playoff time.

Rich: Old victories and excellent roster are carrying them to this 4 seed. Karma/Biters     deservedly pissed.
Jess: Whether it’s Casca or Campbell in net their defense will be locked down. Not many weak points on this team as both the men and women on this team are sharpshooters. They could cruise to the PBR cup finals if they can avoid FK or Lbs in previous rounds.

Hicks: “they could cruise to the finals if they can avoid two of the top three teams on their way there”

… so can most teams in the top ten? C’mon Jessica. 
Rich: I guess if they play us in first round, Fuzz is screwed!

Jess: What I mean is I think only Cobra Kai and Lbs could beat Fuzz if it really comes down to it. FK and Biters could give Fuzz a run for their money but I’m not as confident in that matchup. BUT I’d anticipate a Dojo loss against FK/Lbs. SO yeah an early Fuzz matchup would be preferable. Enjoy this “math” chart below:

Cobra Kai > Fuzz

Cobra Kai < Fresh Kills / Lbs

Cobra Kai < Biters 

Not contenders but can win

5. Vertz.
   Rich: I asked some people where I should rank them. Hicks said 1, Cutler said 19, Cutler’s Burner said 12th. Anyways, they have a super solid core, an overrated and over sensitive to honorable mentions goaltender, and Elly. I’m super torn because Cutler wins wherever she goes but Hicks loses. But since Hicks can bench 3 times more than her I’m going with the loser. Also, I think it’s crazy the Biters aren’t ahead of them. (I have the Biters ranked 5)
   Alex: an absolutely bizarre start to the season but as Hicks has been telling me basically nonstop for 5 months, don’t let the Vertz get hot.
   Jess: Tim is the best goalie in the league and it shows in how many games he’s kept them in. Not to gas Hicks up any more than he needs to be but when the Vertz are hot it is tough to stop them. I think they’ve finally figured out their chemistry but there’s still a lot of individual play happening and the teams ahead of them in this power ranking can pass like some sort of freakish hive mind. +1 for Cutler Burner.

Hicks: to quote Jahk McGinty, “they don’t ask how (you score), they ask how many”. DONT LET THE VERTZ STAY HOT.
Alex: to quote Jahk McGinty, “I had a dream I was practicing in net and I asked someone to film me on a few shots so I could see my angles, form, etc.  when they played the film back, I was Marc Andre Fleury.”

6. Karma.
   Rich: They get hurt bc I’m not sure if Derek and Austin will play for them in playoffs. I’d put them 4 based on their record if I knew they were. I think if they make semis they can guilt Derek back from Florida but I think Austin will be at base camp on K2 and not receiving texts. Also having a pair of siblings like the Vernoia’s and those other two sisters is pretty cool.
   Alex: they would rank higher if not for Derek living in Florida and Austin moving to god knows where in a month or so. Derek will prob fly in for playoffs; we may never see AK again. 6 feels fair for all the uncertainty going on with their roster.
   Jess: they still have Braun and Kevin (and Isaac and Stabel) and solid goaltending from Steven makes them a viable threat but not quarter-finals worthy imho.
   Hicks: “save us Dr Oopie” -Steve, probably.
   Alex: the only thing Braun is saving is himself for marriage

7. Anklebiters.
   
   Alex:  this team is a nightmare matchup and can beat anyone on any day of the week as they just showed with a gritty 3-2 win over Fuzz.  But Probie still has to shoulder too much of the scoring load for me to rank them in the top 6.

Rich: Before the season, someone said the Vertz should be in division 1 and the Biters should be in 2. I immediately texted this person and admonished him. The Biters play hard every game and hustle is the #1 killer of opposing teams’ talent. They beat FK and took 3 of 4 points from Fuzz. How they are ranked 7th is a testament to Frey/Jess/Hicks absconding their duties.
Jess: Let the record show I had the Biters ranked at #4 so you can stop being overtly nice to Probie now, Rich. As someone who needs a calculator to figure out tipping, y’all made me do math and maybe I got it wrong but the discrepancies in ranking between the 4 of us placed the Biters at #7. BUT I DIGRESS. Biters are a sick team and I’m anticipating a lengthy playoffs run.
Alex: Rich is just sucking up to Probert so he doesn’t get fired from his front office gig with the Green Street Hooligans.

Rich: You people are idiots. Probie was the one who said the Vertz should be higher. I told him he was wrong. The Anklebiters beat FK WITHOUT Probie, and the Biters took 3 of 4 points from us. Probie scored zero goals against us in Game 2. If you know hockey, you know hustle is the #1 killer of talent. The Biters hustle. 

8. WTP.
   Rich: From a reliable source…they added one of the best players in the country. I hope they enjoyed their 2019 Schlitz (they did), bc they’ll never see that tourney again. They just became a very dangerous team to the rest of the league.
   Alex: Hogg’s done an admirable job despite a rash of injuries and retirements.  Their week 1 victory over the Vertz was one of the upsets of the year.

Hicks: Hogg in net should solidify that position for them and make them much tougher to score against but I am genuinely curious how taking your best scorer off the rink will work out for them.
Jess: unclear if the guy Rich is talking about is that dude Phil but Meg glanced over at their bench last week and said “that guy played at Colby” and if there’s one thing we know, Colby delivers grade-A players to this league. 

9. Hookers 

Alex: rich man’s Demons; roster looks sick on paper but results don’t quite match the promise. Still, no one will want to face them in the playoffs.

Rich: I think Mega is better. 

Hicks: I think the hookers are consistently underrated given the talent they have on paper, but it’s hard to argue with the results (plz don’t use this logic on the Vertz because we are hot right now and everyone knows the first 5 games for a new team don’t count).

Good season but not 2022 ready

10. Mega.
    Rich: We all know their girls but they have a couple of guys we don’t know who are really good. Yes, I don’t expect them to win but I’m glad there’s an outside chance of it. However if anyone realizes Tash can move laterally and don’t just run straight towards her (Jess, Yehuda), Mega will never win again. At least Julie is pretty.
    Jess: I’m just flattered you think I’m as fast as a 20 year old.
    Alex: best women in the league, bar none.  Sadly the guys haven’t quite caught up and although I like their roster, I don’t see them winning more than one playoff round.

Hicks: we need a jorts + raspberry week asap.

11. Poutine.
    Rich: Gotta give it up to Mikey. They lost a lot of people but they are a fun team that still plays hard. I think they are in midcard hell, meaning they’re too good for the Schlitz but not yet ready for the PBR Cup. Jerome likes Quirdle.
    Alex: after losing half their roster in the offseason (Jack, Otis, Russo, Sully, Charlotte, Nico and Dickie), things looked shaky in Poutine land.  Luckily for fans of gritty hockey, gritty reboots and 13th Step, Mikey has executed a tip-top rebuild that has Poutine, shockingly, pretty much in the same place in the power ranks where they’ve been the past few seasons.  Daly, Lyons and the Hamilton girls have been spirited additions while Jeff Green can steal any game he’s in (just keep him away from Scandinavian women).  And with McQuade back and seemingly on his way to making five games, it’s an impressive turnaround and a great underdog story.  And if you disagree, Mikey will probably call you a scumbag.

Hicks: does anyone have phone numbers for some Scandinavian women? I hear they love ball hockey.

12. Sky Fighters.
    Rich: With Wes in the league…a super nice Canadian who is good at hockey, I really don’t see the reason why we are keeping Gabe from FK. We don’t need two of these and Wes is younger. Also, Emily loves Hero so I’m a fan of this team.
    Alex: a scrappy group built for the playoffs but they need one more star scorer next to Wes (and arguably Hopper) to jump to the next tier.

Hicks: this team could give any team in the league a scare in the playoffs, it’s just hard to see them pulling off the 4 scares needed to win a title. Also please stop being mean to their goalie, Jessica.
Jess: I’m not the one who made James getting scored on the cover photo!!! And I was out of town for BOTH our games I will not stand for this slander.

13. Riots.
    Rich: The league MVP goes to Eric. There was a battle to see if he was a BTSH HOFer. I said yes, not everyone did. Credit to Suz as well for building a tough team around him.
    Alex: when they added Ramirez I said that one roster move might be enough to win the division. They’re now only one point back of the lead after an lolshootout win over the Sky Fighters. 
    Jess: as a d4 player, the Riots were never a ‘guaranteed’ win but I agree, with Eric and some new blood it’s become even more of a battle within our division.

14. Filthier.
    Alex:  a very stealthy rebuild centered around the Salt Boyz has somewhat dulled the pain of losing BTSH legends James & Ann. Still a few pieces away from contender status but way ahead of where I expected they’d be at this point.

Hicks: credit where it’s due, this team has been much better than I anticipated them being after last season. 

15. Demons
    Alex: this team has too much talent to be ranked this low, but I’ve also seen too many underwhelming performances to rank them any higher.  On the bright side Gene is back and, if his back holds up, will likely whip their asses into shape by playoff time.

Hicks: PUT SOME RESPECT ON HIS NAME

Jess: ah, Gene, good for their hockey image, terrible for their PR image.

Rich: He got into an altercation with someone from the Butchers last week. So much has changed in my life but the Demons getting written up has always been my constant.

Some good people but not players (except Dana T.) play on these teams 

16. Rainbows
    Alex: Mike and Nico have been great additions but they’ll need to poach Joel from my cold dead hands to move up any further in the rankings.

Jess: challenge accepted re: your cold dead hands. Give us 2 more seasons and then it’s #comebackszn

Rich: Now that Mega is wearing pink, you should switch to black.
Jess: Don’t get me started!!! I was thinking gray with maroon/red. #cancelmega.

17. Gremlins

Alex: some tough personnel losses have dropped 2019s semifinalist to bottom 4 position.  On the bright side, Walker’s getting all the playing time he can handle these days.

Rich: A little creepy but the Gremlins are the opposite of this. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9gWtrnb4KjU

Jess: The Gremlins have played together for a really long time but they play a slower game these days that just can’t keep up with the top half of the league. 

18. Bad Seeds
    Alex: seeing Dave GDR with a wood blade stick and a modern goalie helmet has been one of the highlights of the season.

Rich: Dave GDR is the GOAT but Jesus Christ man! If Romeo is forcing us to pay for his baby, Dave should start a GoFundMe for a 1990s Mylec he can buy on ebay. The 1970s version needs to be retired.

Jess: I have no idea what’s going on. Similar to the Gremlins, this old school team has a lot of experienced players but the new era of BTSH seems to be impossible to stop, making it hard for teams with this style of play to really make an impact in the top half of the league.

Hicks: please don’t bring up GoFundMe, you’ll trigger Probert #whereisthemoffomoney
Jess: I heard those new boards are gonna get put in any day now…

19. Butchers
    Alex:  the team that gave me a two game tryout in 2015 will always have a place in my heart but it’s tough times in pig knife land.
    Jess:  It’s crazy to me that when I first joined the league in 2018 this was a middle of the road team with some sharp shooters and the Rainbows had an ‘upset’ playoff play-in game win against them. People moved teams, had babies, decided beer league hockey wasn’t their life priority and as a result the team has suffered. 

Rich: In 2010 and 2011 they made back to back semi-finals. In 2012 they were beating FK 1-0 late in playoff game. All those players from those great moments are dead. Or just a lot older and play like they’re dead. Rachel and Art’s baby is extremely cute though. Prob 1/2 evil as well.

20. Agents
    Alex: glad that a lot of new players are getting a shot to join the league with this expansion/reexpansion franchise but if they don’t finish bottom 5 I will eat my shoe. 
    Jess: Sorry y’all. When you stop losing games by 4+ goals you can move up a spot. I also think The Agents are just victims of 0 team chemistry but once they get some consistency they should start changing things up.

Rich: I only saw like 5 min of them play. They scored against the Rainbows and I felt happy for them. I don’t know what happened to them in their first few games but they’ve improved a ton already and I hope it leads to more Ws. I think we should write about their new players so we get to know them better. 

21. Vertz

Hicks: DONT LET THE VERTZ GET HOT

Rich: Scheduling Vertz vs. Fuzz the day after Miles wedding next level move. We are now even from the Rehabs non-rainout. Tell Seb.

Jess: I don’t know why I’m allowing this to stay in but if you made it this far into this article congrats you deserve some sort of medal and maybe a therapy session

by Jess (sorry)

Cat and Rich are once again out and I’m trying to fill their shoes to no avail. I’ll try to make up for it by including everyone’s favorite, NOT STARS. 

Third Star: Phil (WTP)

“Hot Phil”, as his team referred to him, scored a hat trick which in itself is impressive but against the Hookers with some of their fresh talent (and old talent – hi Danillo) makes it even more impressive. Also at least 2 of his goals were unassisted. Sorry to blow up your spot Phil but the people need to know who to watch out for.

Second Star: The Riots

The Riots held a 1-1 game against the top team in d4 (Sky Fighters) and were able to take it to and win it in LOLshootouts.

First Star: Craig (Biters)

You don’t get an ‘extraordinary feats in goaltending’ award named after you without your own extraordinary goaltending. Craig stood on his head against Fuzz and it helped his team hand them a nice fat L. The true game of the day.

HM: The Gremlins for bringing some old school spirit back to this league and bringing tequila shots to the courts

HM: Rachel Greene for playing her first game back from having a baby 3 months ago against The Demons (I don’t even want to play them as NOT a new mother).

HM: ~Me~ because I scored 2 goals in my game and if anyone is mad at me for writing about myself please don’t confront me because I don’t handle confrontation well and might cry.

HM: All of the brand new refs for the day (Ellie, Courtney, Akhil).

NOT STARS

Third Not Star: Jerome for a goal celebration that was less-than-inspiring. I thought you were a football fan? Do more!!!

Second Not Star: On the opposite end of the spectrum, Hicks for a goal celebration that I wish I never saw and would like to never see again (it was inspired by a scene from The Proposal). Do less!!!

First Not Star: ALEX EM AND TASH FOR JACKING OUR BRAND AND DESIGNING NEON PINK SHIRTS FOR MEGA TOUCH’S ‘ALTERNATE’ JERSEYS. You’ll be hearing from The Rainbows’ lawyers!!!!

By Friends of Meg & Sully

As many of you already know, this Sunday will feature Sully (aka BSA) and Meg’s (aka The Meguum) last BTSH games.

While it’s always sad saying goodbye to two friends, teammates, and captains (in this league and beyond), Sully and Meg, it’s been an absolute ride hanging with you both in NYC. Thank you for all the memories, laughs, and good times. I can’t wait to visit you both in Denver soon. Hopefully they have decent Alfredo sauce—for everyone’s sake.

Here are some other folks who have some parting words for these two beauts: 

Mikey: “Sully the embodiment of a Poutiner. Impossible to replace on and off of the court. His passion for the game, his teammates and his friends is off the charts and unmatched. I’ve been so lucky to have him as a friend for nearly a decade since I joined Poutine and I’m going to miss him dearly. Couldn’t be happier for him and Meg they’re perfect together and wishing them the best in Denver.”

Dicky: “Not even exaggerating, the only reason I ever actually played on a Sunday.”

McQuade: “The New York City hockey world won’t be the same without Meg and Sully. Seems like just yesterday I introduced Sully to the Poutine team through a weekend in Ocean City filled with unlimited Bud Lights, zero sleep, and his first ever Hockey Beach championship. Back in the city I brought him to his childhood house in Brooklyn, upstate to go skiing, and on countless beer-filled adventures in Manhattan. I can’t thank him enough for all he has done and the memories we’ve made. 

In more serious news, Meg brought me to my first ice hockey team in Chelsea which included my worst ever loss—about 21-2—and made me question my hockey future. She is one of the best female hockey players I’ve ever seen but an even better friend and person. It sucks to see them go but I’m so happy for you both and know that our adventures won’t stop just because they’re moving across the country. Krista and I hosted them on their trip out to Denver and this is proof so we can come bother them in the near future when we want to visit (at least that part is true about mine and Sully’s relationship). 

There’s no community like the street hockey community which is something I never pictured myself saying before I moved to Manhattan, and Sully played a huge role in getting me involved at the beginning. Miss you guys already but thanks for all that you’ve done!”

Charlotte: “Start a Denver league. Poutine didn’t disband, we’re just relocating.”

Frey: “I’ll never forget the first time I laid eyes on Sully.  The year was 2016, had short hair and appeared to be blackout drunk.  Someone told me he was “on Poutine” which sounded like the nickname for some drug I hadn’t heard of.  I don’t think he liked me very much.

I’ll never forget the first time I laid eyes on Meg.  She tried to ice someone at the D5 rookie party, hid an ice in her shirt, then fell over herself, causing the ice to fall out and giving the planet maybe the first self-icing that has ever happened.  Then she asked me for an over/under on how long of a kegstand she could do and I went with like 15 seconds which felt pretty generous tbh.  She went for 20 and was very proud of herself.  Less than an hour later she was violently throwing up in Jack’s soup pot and had to be escorted home immediately.  Despite that I still gave her female rookie of the year for that season.  Somehow, that pot remains in use at the patio to this day.  And as you may have guessed, the gentleman who escorted her home and made sure she didn’t just pass out on 2nd ave (which probably would have happened tbh) was none other than Sully.  Now on Saturday nights they watch random game shows and order insomnia cookies.  How far they’ve come.

The hockey world will truly be losing two legends of sport as they move to Colorado.  Many of us will be losing two great friends.  A select lucky few will be losing two great enemies.  In any case, best of luck on this new adventure.  I will pray for your souls and the state of your kitchenware.”

Jack: “You can run but you can’t hide. Also please spend the extra money to get a couch with some decent sleepability.”

Pagsy: “Without Brian, I would have never been a part of the crazy community that is NY ball hockey. I’m grateful for the email all those years ago asking to play for a weirdly named team with a bunch of lunatics. Congrats to him and Meg on their engagement and best of luck to them in Denver where I’m sure he’s already scouring the free agent lists for his next ball hockey league.”

Filthier v Cobra Kai

Jim Apple: Has Russ let himself go since becoming a married man?? Cobra Kai has been struggling since the wedding and a devastating week 6 loss has many critics wondering if we are witnessing the downfall of the Dojo. Filthier beat the Vertz earlier this year so through the transitive property, this spells trouble for Cobra Kai. Prediction: 5-1 Filthy, Commissioner Russ complains and fires 2 referees. 

Cristothehawk: Sure, all the dudes on Cobra Kai might be old and washed up and engaged/married now (read: Russ, Yetter, Will) but don’t count out #ladiesnight with LJ, Sienna, Charlotte (unless Probie makes her go to another wedding – CHAR, BLINK IF YOU NEED HELP), and Brita. Also why not, let’s throw Liam some love since Russ hasn’t been campaigning for him to get media attention at all this season. My point is I think this will be a lot closer than my colleague Jim thinks and The Dojo will win 3-2. 

Hookers v WTP

Hornswoggle: Two squads with identical records are seemingly sitting ducks in the same division having scrounged the same amount of points through 6 games. However, the 2-3-4 spots are similar to musical chairs, and you may as well add the last spot (Vertz, depending on their result against Karma) to the mix, meaning no team is safe. This division is the “group of death” in some respects.

This is a rematch game, though—Puck crashed back to earth with a 5-2 loss to the Hookers in Week 5 after besting first division Anklebiters in a 3-1 melodrama in Week 4. All things considered, both Lee and Hoggystyle have been great at the helm for their respective teams, but Zac may feel extra motivated to spur on Henry and the rest of Puck to leave it all on Tompkins (despite the predicted high temps and dew points). My prediction is that Puck takes the two points in extra time. It is a 1pm game so remember to hydrate when necessary!

CATT: that’s a lot of hockey chatter. Here’s the non-hockey preview: WTP has a team dog (or a Cat by the Ron Swanson metric of “any dog under 50 pounds is a Cat”). I have never seen any of the hookers with a dog at the courts. That doesn’t mean they don’t have one, but it does mean they are selfishly withholding one if they have it. We hate that. WTP comes from behind to win because the little chihuahua gives a very inspiring speech at halftime. 3-2 WTP.

Fuzz v Anklebiters

Jess: I told Rich that Fuzz was like the Yankees in that they won too many championships and now it’s boring for everyone to watch. As a lifelong Mets fan, he was understandably upset and requested I compare Fuzz to the 1986 Mets instead. But if I’m being honest, the Biters are more like the 1986 Mets than Fuzz. Scrappy and talented underdogs who party a bit too hard (at Congee Village)— a real team of the people. Let’s hope this game doesn’t break the previous BTSH shootout record. 

Prediction: Biters 2-1. 

Glnzr: 

Prediction: Jess is going to be shocked when she does research of the 1986 season and realizes the Mets finished 108-54, killed the Yankees in attendance and was one of the most dominant teams of all time. Fuzz gets revenge for Opening Day and wins 4-2. 

Dingle: NYC is the Mets’ town when they’re good. Fight me in the comment section.

Jess: I KNOW THE 1986 METS WERE AMAZING BUT ALSO THEY ARE SCRAPPY PARTIERS LIKE THE BITERS STOP MAINSPLAINING BASEBALL TO ME.

Gremlins v Bad Seeds

Jess: There seems to be not a lot of parity in the 3rd division with Poutine/Mega on top, Demons in the middle, and the Gremlins/Butchers solidly on the bottom. The Gremlins won their only game against the Butchers when Erich was back in town and The Bad Seeds are faring better in league rankings with 6 points to the Gremlin’s paltry 2. This game is a toss up but I think the Seeds have the edge. Great goalkeeping can only get you so far and the Seeds seem to be clicking more on offense. Prediction: Seeds take it 2-0. 

JW: Both teams could not be more excited that this is the annual Chodown (while I generally hate puns, I have always accepted this one out of love for both players/teams) which was a longstanding tradition between Gut Rot (who had T. Cho)  and the Gremlins (who have C. Cho), and is now a continued tradition with the Bad Seeds. There will be wagers, there will be tequila flowing like water during gameplay, Marcella vs. Rob in a husband/wife battle, Diane and Zach playing together in a husband/wife non-battle, probably beer chugging contests, side bets (Kirky has challenged me to a +/- bet), and surely plenty of other hijinks. Followed by an afterparty with the two teams. If any of the new kids are curious to see what BTSH used to be like, you may want to watch this one. 

Prediction: No prediction as I am reffing this game. (The new kids also don’t get this Eli/Derek reference.)

Agents v Rainbows

Steven: Having reffed the Agents’ game last week, I’m compelled to give some love to Jacob who played goalie for Agents. Holy shit, this guy was a freak. I can try to guess the number of saves Jacob made but can’t count that high, so let’s just settle on “mad saves.” At the same time, the rest of the Agents continue to grow and get used to the tough confines of Tompkins. While I think the Agents are a long play the Rainbows are in win now mode, except without the wins. Rainbows get Jess back and a reprieve in their tough schedule on Sunday, 3-1.

Glnzr: Greenwald is the Agents regular goalie and let’s just be honest here. He wants this game bad. At his best, Greenwald can play some really good hockey. I haven’t seen one game for the Agents but with the Rainbows beating the Sky Fighters I can’t see them losing this game. 4-1. Though I’ll be rooting really hard for Greenwald. 

Lbs v Fresh Kills

Steven: doubt either team shows up, and even if they do, not close to giving a shit. End result: forfeit

Glnzr: I hope both teams show up. It’s a really tough one to call. Louis and Gabe are an incredible 1-2 punch on D and when Ariel is your 3rd D, you’re friggin good. They have a bunch of players who would be most teams best players. Meg is the best woman in the league and will open up space for the other FK players.

The Lbs. might actually have better top end talent with Sam and Avery but it’s obviously close. Lbs. don’t have the depth FK does but they make up for it with super intensity when they’re all there. Liz will cover Gabe and be effective at doing it. Like every other game in BTSH it comes down to attendance, but if both teams show, I like FK 3-2. 

Steven: actually, best of luck to Meg who is moving out of state after this game. We will miss you.

Vertz v Karma

Hicks: Guaranteed vertz win. Minimum goal differential of 4. ????

Hornswoggle: Karma decimated WTP in what we could consider the beginning of a farewell tour for the starlets in the club, AK and Derek. They were the only goal-scorers in that matchup. I’ve been trash-talking Vertz (read: Jack) and have been correct for a majority of my predictions. But a surprise victory against The Dojo was not a thought worth conceiving before last Sunday, yet here we are. You can probably thank Ramy for that.

In this divisional clash I expect nothing other than a barnburner, and you know what: what goes around, comes around, Karma. The top spot is still up for grabs and the thought of the (Per)vertz taking it gives Hicks an election… to handily win, of course. +4 differential might be a stretch but neutralizing the Karma offensive is still a tall order, albeit doable.

Hicks: make it +5. As of now (Wednesday 10am) there appears to be rain in the forecast which makes me wonder why karma repeatedly dodges games against the vertz..

Jim Apple: Pretty straight forward prediction here, everyone is thinking it. 

• AK no call no shows. Claims to be too hungover from dinner at margaritaville. In all reality, just licking his wounds from the night before after getting denied by a blonde while waiting in line for the halal cart.
• Sean and his good buddy Ramy combine for 3 points. 
• Derek, tanning on a beach, won’t be able to make it. 
• Braun, walking his dog, won’t be able to make it. 
• Jack, gets sunburnt, doesn’t backcheck.
• Hicks, ate Taco Bell, doesn’t feel good. 
• Annie, set to sub for the Vertz, quits at the last minute to sub for Karma instead and scores. 
• Vertz win 4-1, 2 empty netters. 
• Isaac, cries. 

Butchers v Demons

Jess: Can the Butchers please do something scandalous so we stop writing mildly nice things about them in the previews every week? Thanks. Also @ Rachel & Art time to come back I think your kid can crawl now you can leave him at home for a few hours on a Sunday. Amit has been written about in 3 stars twice this season so much like my strategy with Westley from Sky Fighters, I’m going to stop talking about him entirely since he’s so good. Prediction: Demons win 4-1, D-Ro with at least one assist and one complaint when Around the League doesn’t acknowledge it.

JW: After the Demons’ narrow loss at bar trivia last night to [redacted] they’ll be itching for a win this Sunday. The Butchers are still looking for that first win, but they are a far better team than their record shows. They have a lot of good players, but just need to put it all together. They have also struggled with some attendance issues. (Do Rachel and Arthur even live in Brooklyn anymore??) If they all show up, I believe they can hang with any team. 

The Demons struggled early but are finding their stride. But, can they keep it going against a determined Butchers crew?

Come for the flurry of confusing red/pinkish/maroon jerseys, stay for the potential upset. 

Prediction: If this was a trivia match between these two teams it would be just as tough for me to call as a hockey game between them. Nonetheless, the Butchers get their first win of the season, 3-2. Brady with the game winner. 

Mega Touch v Poutine

Steven: Mega is terrifying. Jeff scored five last week and Eric scored two. Julie played the entire game and Tuckman is a brick wall. On the other hand, we have a bunch of soggy French fries. In a strange parallel universe, these soggy fries are winning hockey games. Last time these teams played Mega was hit by an avalanche of gravy, but not this time. Mega crisps Poutine 3-2.

Dingle: For anyone sticking around on Sunday, this will be Sully’s last game in BTSH (barring him and Meg returning back to NYC down the road). Sully, I know you don’t read these, but you were a great captain, a great player, and a great friend. You’ll be missed and can’t wait to grab a Colorado beer with ya soon. 

Regarding the actual hockey being played, watch out Mega, because it’s hard to imagine Poutine not rallying around the goodbye tour to win this one. Prediction: The Poutine OGs deliver: Sully, Mikey, Pagsy, Jerome, and JoJo all end up on the score sheet and Poutine edges Mega, 5-4.

23andMia: Sully was supposed to be my legacy in this league. Never thought I would outlast him. Don’t know what the future holds for his “last” game, but in life, I’m predicting good things!

Steven: As someone who may or may not be considered a fierce rival (or former fierce rival) of Poutine, I want to congratulate Sully on a great career. It was really fun playing against you and the Pouts. We had a great little rivalry but always appreciated your friendship.

Riots v Sky Fighters

Steven: Game of the week, hands down. The momentum is clearly on the Riots’ side. First, Riots had a statement shutout last week. Second, it’s hard to beat a team twice. Third, the Sky Fighters showed a little weakness in a LOLShootout loss to the Rainbows. 

But those who count out Emily and Company are doomed. The Fighters beat back a surging Riots 3-2 in anticipation of the Pirates of the Caribbean party they are hosting with Karma after next weeks game. #hypetrain

Jess: The Sky Fighters are going to be hungry for a win after a narrow loss last week while the Riots are coming off their second highest-scoring game of the season racking up 5 goals against The Bad Seeds. I’m inclined to think this game will go to OT thanks to an emboldened Riots team and a slightly rattled Sky Fighters, with the Sky Fighters winning in the end.